Give me back my hug (*)

There is gotta be something magical about it....the hug !!

I dont seem to forget any of them. In my eyes it is a 'sanjeevani booti', the one stop cure for all the ailments. My mama used to hug me with his hand and a kiss on the top of my head,very much similar to how my brother hugs me now. I miss his presence constantly. My mum's hug says 'i have forgiven you' and it lifts me off from whatever miry clay i am stuck into.

I read somewhere an average person needs 7 hugs daily for his well-being,12 for growth and 4 for survival. I guess i survived badly for past all these years. But all that's gone. Second chances,we all wish for them often. I am happy to have one. When i am beaten down i remember all the wonderful hugs,by mum,mama,my bhai,my friends,and through everything dark and dungy, it gives me will to stand up on my two feet.

We never forget how someone made us feel. Remember what a snowman and a snow-woman in love did ! They hugged each other and melted in their embrace. :) If only we could give and take and share more hugs ! I close my eyes and live up the hug of the ones that aren't with me anymore. That's the only remembrance i have been left and it would live with me for as long as my heart goes on.

Miss you.

Life: an act of trapeze

Believe me or not but we do have this strange affliction of overlooking the good parts in our life. For us the grass had always been and would always be greener on the other side. Promises: that's what i had been oddly thinking about during my work out today and realised that God had been good to me and kept some of His promises very faithfully. Where i always used to feel as being the odd one out,today i can gel in and connect well with my family. Happy for that. :)

I am yet to start next phase of my life..marriage and all,but life's good at home with mum-dad too. Bridges have been built,no grudges,no complains and past seems unreal today,one that leaves behind a hint of having occurred a lifetime ago. God had been good to grant me this time in which i could laugh with my family,and honestly these will be the days that i would miss and cherish for all my life to come.

With the sudden realisation of promises fulfilled there arrives also the scent of trust that as long as His presence continues in my life things would get better. I might not get all that i want,but i would be provided with all that i need;that much i believe.

Life is a balancing act. I am not visibly depressed or broken down when i am sad. I still do feel sad,a void left behind by all the friends and people who had promised to stay with me through thick and thin of it...and did not. But i can contain all that and carry on without projecting any of it. Which i consider as a huge personal achievement. Likewise neither i am excessively overjoyed by turn of events in my favour.

I have learnt (and am still learning) that being calm and serene,holding your smile all the while trusting a higher force to align things for you is the best way to live a happy life. I read somewhere be like a duck,calm and composed on the outside but underneath the surface of water pedal like a devil.

A blessed night to every one and a soulful sleep.

The turmoil within every mind: What's happened to Aishwarya rai !

 I don't get what the debate is about ! How the hell has Aishwarya rai turned up so fat and fugly !!! Pretty darn nonsense. pffffew.

Yes she is carrying a baby weight !
But she is an actress she sells a fantasy ! She should look like one !
Oh i had baby 6weeks back and had lost major baby fat ! (heard on fb somewhere) (my take : yeeah that's all you are good for barbie doll :P )
And some place else : "Pehle every man wanted a wife like Aishwarya rai....Now Aishwarys rai looks like every man's wife.
How derogatory that is !!! We leave no stones unturned in making a mockery of ourselves.

Well for starters i never liked Aishwarya rai. Not because she was overly beautiful or i had some streak of jealous complex knowing that somehow there would always be someone more beautiful than me in the universe !!!  The reason i didnt like her was because she didnt have anything else to offer other than that !

This is what happens when we rely too much on our transient beauty. I dont want to have any pot-shot at her expense but i think it is a sure lesson to anybody and everybody out there who think that looking good is all that matters ! Well looking good is no biggie,believe me, i have lost quite a lot of weight before and has lost 9kgs recently in past 3months...so i understand better than anyone else the pain of being fugly and undesirable but more than that i know that i should be a lot more than just the beauty of my body and looks.

And then the other major point is the freedom of letting someone be the way they are/want to. Not being a fan of the light-eyed beauty here but i still realise that she has achieved more than most of us in our life. She has worked her ass off for some 15years and she has all right in the world to bear a little weight for her daighter and live the life as every houswife and/or mother does in this country...so leave her alone you morons.

Thanks to the types of Madhuri Dixit, Vidya Balan or Sonakshi Sinha we have some good looking plus-sizes finally arriving on big screens. See i am not saying that 'Chalo..lets all of us binge-eat and become fatso now' but there is a need to realize that nearly half of our population is struggling with obesity in current age. Some are putting up their best fight forward,so just get a little supportive and say that we dont mind curves. Its good to be in shape and healthy too.

Being fat doesnt mean the end of our lives and should'nt stop us from going and kicking the ass of the world. I never allowed it to be that way for me. I sure did feel like planting a rocky-style punch on my swimming trainer's dark-burnt cheek when he said that 'butterfly-stroke' is not my cup of tea as i am too heavy to perfect it. Well i would show him otherwise at the end of this month.

To sum up...swim...dance do everything that people say you will not be able to do,because i love to prove them wrong.

Whats my worth !

I am not exceedingly beautiful. A long line of suitors is not what u would actually find at my door. I am just ok looking. Nice features may be yeeah but with a little more than a fair share of lipocytes. So not exactly a head-turner.

I am not the most brainy of the lot too. I am a dentist,good at my work(as far as i know) but i suck at marketing so not exactly with a roaring practise either. But i aspire to have one day.

I can write,if i am troubled enough to. At the rest of the things i am pretty mediocre.

What i am good at is listening to people,empathising with them,may be advicing them too,occasionally. So i am a self proclaimed Agony Aunt. The problem is this agony aunt doesnt have anywhere to go when she is agonised. I have nowhere to turn to when i need some buck-up talk and so i turn to my blog. I write,i feel i have said what i needed to,and get back to my day with a sigh.

No complaints for anyone ensued in this post. I am just learning to live as life requires me to live. Heard somewhere that only the bravest people wear a smile in battlefield,so i dont cut back on my laughter no matter how heavy my heart. 

Forever : the greatest Lie

'I would be there for you forever'
'I would never break your trust,i promise'
'I would always be your best friend and be by your side'

Different words,by different people heard so often by so many of us...and then more so often proved out to be wrong. Some of them shattered in the public eye,discarded like house waste,lying in the dump-spot that every neighbourhood posses. Others so,stuffed up in the dark corners of house stores but forgotten nevertheless.

Sad. Until recently i had been a very Bridget jones'y type of person in my life. Always hoping against the rising tide of misery and solitude that things eventually fall back into place and everything is well at the end. But only up until recently.

People have failed me just as much as i have failed my God. Or may be that is the reason why people have failed me. Trust is the costliest commodity for me. Hard to place,harder to sustain. And in this rage that i am walkingcrawling 'Forever' seems to be the greatest lie in the world.

You know how it feels if you have been promised and been denied. It could be a promise of undying love or unwavering commitment or even the promise of never ending friendship. When denied they all pain equally. I once mentioned to a friend that a relationship is as gentle as a baby-sparrow. It feels so fragile on our palm but even so it is a living breathing thing.

Feels now that it's choked very much near to death.

It is important to balance life,there is a fine blend of family,friends,work and leisure in it. I need to be much more careful about the growing need to create that balance. The prerequisite to that is to accept that i need blessings in my life for that. I continue to care for everybody but not to expect anything much from others. Goes like that : You need me...ok il be there for you,but i might not be coming to you for anything now.

Sounds dispassionate. But for now it has to work this way.

Summer Diary

There is something so damn courageous about this picture !

The will to live and the resultant fight....the fight emerging as an offshoot of a sown seed,the first step taken....that is very important. Then as we grow up what happens ?

Why do we grow up to be this tight-assed living,brooding,walking masses of shit ! Being away from monotonous rhythms of life i have discovered that it is ok for traffic to be bad and it is inevitable to find some people to be selfish or i would rather say materialistic, as long as our own little sphere of existence is devoid of things that we so much despise in others.

Simple things such as driving patiently behind a man pushing his cart (which obviously is too darn loaded for his poverty laden petite frame) instead of honking horns incessantly gives my heart a warm feeling of being able to empathise with him. For every thing that i find wrong and unjust i find a thing that shows me it is the same good world of our Lord.

Swimming is keeping me sane nowadays. For an odd hour or so i enter a different world. A world of waves and not worries. A world where i in some pragmatic way realize that all that we need to live has already been provided to us. We have clothed ourselves so heavily and unnecessarily with desires that on some level we have utterly forgotten the pure bliss of being naked. That i say metaphorically ofcourse.

Even after working for many years i dont have a substantial bank balance. And what little i have,i am very soon gonna give that away too. I earn,and spend hardly 20% on me and give away the rest. I have seen this curbs my desire to have more. As for tomorrow i dont know,but i believe i will be provided with whatever i need in my life.

Love is a need too,not a luxury. It will come too,when it's destined to. Untill then i am filling up my voids by numerous stuff. Reading is an absolute essential amongst them. My daddyji(nanaji) had a fruitful life owed to his habit of reading. Hope to make mine like his too. Feel sad for folks who havent yet discovered it. Like an old uncle in my neighbourhood. With no wife and no friends of his age and his mind getting blunt with each passing day, i frequently find him loitering around all day. Watering plants,moving things from a pointA to pointB and scratching his leathery behind. Sad. Wish i could tell him to sit and read with all the good time he has.

Happy for days. They are not over the top ecstatic neither are they flogging molly types. They are just calm,brisk and freakishly hot summer days. :) Kinda good. While swimming in the morning today i felt some beautiful words by Sahir Ludhianvi floating with me too,just penning it down here

मुझको कहने दो कि मै आज भी जी सकता हू 

इश्क नाकाम सही, ज़िन्दगी नाकाम नहीं 

उन्हें अपनाने की ख्वाहिश, उन्हें पाने की तलब 

शौके-बेकार सही साईं-ए-गम-अंजाम नहीं 

शौके-बेकार - useless hobby

साईं-ए-गम-अंजाम- painful punishment

No Caption

I hold it true,watever befall
i feel it when i sorrow most
it's better to have loved and lost
than never to have loved at all.

I have never seemed to make my peace with Alfred Tennyson for saying this. Whenever i am sad,lonely and in sorrow i resent this man the most for saying this. I dont know much about his life,as never found any need to google him,but i guess the only reason he could have said something like this is that probably he never loved and lost anything or anyone in his life. Lucky Bas****.

It hurts. It does. To remember someone as 'oh was he at one time such a huge part of my life !' It does hurt a lot to imagine someone as long lost part of our 'then lives'. Like we had left behind a limb,gangrenous and decayed,cut off from our body,but which once was very much a living, breathing, circulating, defecating part of us.  Friends left behind and long forgotten either by fault or fate and when you look back and 'see' those are the parts of life that are focused by some god damned headlight atop that cruelly shows them in the most vivid colors and hue.

It hurts to realize that where once didn't exist even an inch of space had emerged a gorge and no-one on the either side of that gorge has the faintest idea of how to fill it or even make a bridge on it. No it isn't ego,it isn't and can never be a thing as small tiny and measley as this. It is the time. And something else that eludes me dastardly for it is a pain to be able to talk to a friend and remember how warm the friendship was once ! Those are the toughest kinds of break-ups.

Read it...ul know

I am not scared of my feelings. I am not scared of feeling sad. Neither i am scared of feeling angry nor aggrieved. I can even hold myself feeling regret. What i am scared of is getting up one day and feeling nothing at all.

I am scared of turning into this dispassionate person that is cold and stiff hearted. I am passionate about writing and reading i absolutely love ! But then what else i love ! Or rather whom i love ! I dont want to end up being this crazy person with total lack of ability to love or care for others....aargh obnoxious. Reason(my guess) that i end up receiving so much less than what i actually give. Sounds selfish. About right,but i cant barricade expectations from creeping up into me. I expect something in return for all the time and heart i invested into a relationship. (At the risk of sounding immature and un-idealistic,this is what i honestly feel like now and so i will write as it is)

Egos can be so dangerous. Bruised egos even more so. Why cant we just keep our egos aside and accept that we are needy people. We are needy people in a crowded world. We need someone to call our own. To confide in. Amongst platoons of doubts we introduce someone into our world,a close friend perhaps! We let them into our tiny secret world. Let them have a sneak peek into all our dark dirty little secrets,our sufferings,our insecurities,our worries,we make them a walking partner in all of it and share our silly jokes with them (for eg 'You know china's prime minister is Li Hui' ) Who in their sane minds would laugh themselves sick on a silly joke like this ! Only friends right ! :)

And then they are gone,it's all over. there goes your castle of cards. It feels horrible you know. You end up thinking 'was all that for waste' ? Wasn't there anything strong to hold that up ? If you were wrong for once you didn't have courage to keep aside your ego and come and reconcile with me ? Dont i matter anything to your life ? Am i so worthless that it isn't hard for you to lose me....a friend !

Thoughts of a commode

If anyone had cared enough to ask me how i am feeling right now, my answer would have been-akin to a flushing commode. Actually a 'clogged' flushing commode,or anything if it could be even worse than that. Because though everything is whirling inside me,nothing is going anywhere ! 

I know i havent been writing much but i believe it's just lack of inspiration. I mean what could a person who does nothing more all day than to mercilessly murder away time at home write about ! I dont have much contact with homo sapiens nowadays all i do is to lazy up my bums at home and watch re-runs of 'The Big Bang Theory' which seems to be the only thing that makes me smile. Watching a bunch of geeks fooling around gives me immense pleasure, pleasure as compared to none (sigh...sad).

Now and then i lift up my laptop and plan to write down something but the thoughts are just so diffuse and non-coherent i have no idea how to gel them together ! One moment i would be feeling melancholy and find myself listening to coke studio sufi style and the other moment i would feel so disconnected with everything that i would nastily switch off my phone and thus any possibility of a human contact. Which is the case at the moment too. At other times i feel like a beggar,a poor starved beggar,begging for love and attention at every possible doorstep(sounds pathetic o yea) and then with sudden electric ease i would transfigure to this confident kick-ass me ! 

A tree in my house is bearing these beautiful summer'y yellow flowers ! They are the only sight that my eyes love to watch offlate. I have been meaning to photograph it,but my heart just finds it so difficult to lay its hands on my mind and shake it out of its lull. Some other day maybe. For now i will present to you with some ideas from my seemingly flushing but clogged commode :

1. There is no feeling in this world more sickly than to be demanding love from our very own people. Why should there be a need for us to ask any care/attention from our own friends !!! They are our friends right ! They know it well that we need their hand,we need their heart,we need 'them' ! Do i need to be begging for it ? Is there any need for me to assure and reassure them constantly of their worth ? Similarly i have discovered that our parents need the same ! Our siblings too ! And i plan to make these things right. As much as i can manage to.

2. I am not being grateful enough ! There it is i have said it ! Yes i am not. And so i confess it now and plan diligently to be grateful in each and every thing. I am grateful to my dad that he specially went to market and bought fruits for me. I didnt say this to him half hour back but i guess i should have. Grateful to my mom she makes everything so comfortable for me here. My sister for giving me undeserved respect,my brother for keeping me in his mind always,my patients for giving me an opportunity to treat them. And then most of all to the Lord because He has already given to me all that i need.

3. What would you be rather be : Really happy or 'pretend' to be happy ! I have seen people putting up this facade that they are happy when actually they are not. I want to be 'happy' i mean i actually want to be 'joyful' i dont need to show it to people. I dont want to affirm this fact with them.

4. I wish i had a pet. Mum wouldnt allow me probably but nevertheless some day i am so gonna ask her for it. :)

5.I want everybody to be happy,even the people who dont love me or care two hoots about me. Even those who dont have time for me and even when i dont hold any place of importance in their lives i wish that all their dreams come true.

F.A.M.I.L.Y

They say mankind stands most united in the face of misery. Same goes for a family too. Parents can be angry with their children and vice-versa but never so when they need each other's shoulder to cry upon. Siblings can be jealous of success and/or happiness of each other but never in the face of a tragedy. When tragedy strikes a household, everybody sticks together irrespective of their differences. I remember watching a show about how fire-ants survive in floods. You know how ? They hold tight to each other and form an 'ant-raft' that keeps them afloat on the surface of water much like a patch of an algae. 

A Fireant-raft

So do we. My maternal uncle(mama) and my grandfather both passed within a couple of days of each other. February 2011 was a tough month for our family. Between two people who have been admitted in two different cities 500 km apart, my family was divided into two,but only physically. While me,my dad and my sis were busy taking care of grandpa,my mum and brother had left off to take care of my uncle. I dont know where i resided more ! Here or with them ! Grandpa had been admitted with a multiorgan failure,on the other hand my uncle suffered a massive MI that led to complications like Cerebral haemorrhage. Going about my days like a zombie,forcing myself into the routine,was all i could do to keep myself sane and from thinking about his family and two young daughters(all of age 14 and 12). All the family,extended family and dear friends could do was to pray,to pray fervently and hope that atleast one of them would be heard and granted.

Neharika,Gagan,Mama,Mami,Me,Mum,Dad

As it had to be God's will both of them passed off,peacefully i presume. It is hard to deal with loss of a family. The shock is massive, and cruelly dreamlike, the realization of losing someone whom you had always thought of as a permanent part of your life. You find yourself recalling what was like the last time when you talked to them ! Just like i kept on rewinding the tape in my mind to when i had seen the ones who were part of my family ! Consider seeing someone today...a friend or a family member and imagine what if it were to be the last time you are seeing them ! What would you say to them ? How will you say your good byes ? Would you hug them ? Or would you hug them and would never want to leave them ? Would you tell them how much you loved them and how much they mean to you !

Huddled together

I wanted to say all that to mama. I wanted to say all that and much more ! I feel guilty of not spending enough time with him. I feel guilty of not hugging him tight enough. I feel guilty of not seeing into his powerful and yet lively eyes and telling him that i will see him soon. And then the time comes when the family has to come together to perform the last rites. You look around,see at all the familiar faces of your family and find a face missing ! And it's a horrible sickening feeling in the gut. You are sad,grief-struck,angry and guilty all at the same time. And suddenly from somewhere a pair of arms lock you in a embrace. some hand wipes away your stream of tears,an elder lovingly and reassuringly places their hand over your head or a young member of a family burrow themselves into your embrace seeking comfort and in that moment you truly understand the reason why we all had been placed together in this world as a family !

This post has been written as a part of contest by Blogadda. The contest was to write about the most special family memory. Though sad this memory is an integral part of who i am now. If being 'special' means a memory where you begin to understand the importance of being placed as a family into this world,i couldnt think of any memory more special than this. 

This entry is a part of the contest at BlogAdda.com in association with imlee.com

Five words

Lost in the desert sun with blisters in my feet
dragging both the self and my parched soul
hoping for...just five words from you
Five words that help me stay
Five words that i want you to say

Winter's gone and with it the sunny mornings too
where i would wiggle my toes in sun and think just of you
Five words would make my day
Five words that i want you to say

Bracing the spring,i longed to talk to you
if only you had said 'love you' i would have said 'love you too'
Five words that keep us away
Five words that i want you to say

It's the rains now...i stand alone
watching everything dance and croon
Five words that's all it takes
Five words that i want you to say.

Note : Just imagine a day well spent...you have done everything right,worked well,had a good dinner,chatted with family...and friends too,and then when you lie down at the night you suddenly realize that something is terribly missing. There is a void in your heart,a void that is in shape of a 'person' and that simply refuses to fill up with anything else that you might try. And then comes a tear rolling down your cheek and you wish that you could somehow hear something from that person....anything....even if it's only just five words !

Loony Toon

Ever wished someone to be miserable and lonely ? And then to sweep into the scene and make their life less miserable and less lonely with your charming presence !

I wished. Actually i wished and dreamt ! All my life....all of it...i had been a person who filled zillions of slam books writing 'i hate hypocrite people' and here i am turned into one ! Gosh ! We all have people in our lives..people we love spending time with,we eagerly wait for their calls,and it is because of them we pick up the darn mobile when it beeps a text message evry single time. We want to be remembered,we want to be missed,we want to be talked to,we want to be laughed with,but we also want to sound all mature,and actually sane :)

Aaarrggh but damn it is frustating when we find others to be perfectly happy and contended in their lives ! We want to have a perfect life,we want to be busy doing important stuff,we want to be all happy,and feeling all 'light in step' and 'flowery-eyed' about life....but behold that is not us leading that life ! All we end up doing is checking out phone every few minutes for any texts,and sleep with it beside the pillow and imagining every few seconds that it did vibrate or beeped !

Moral of the story..this is not a life we wanted ! So we will make a life that we always wished for :)

Ingredients: Books#collect,download,buy,beg,borrow,steal the genre of books you like to read. A word of advice i think "self help books"  mess up with your mind. Stay clear of them,instead concentrate on fiction,even therein seriously avoid M&B :). Buy a sketch book and a pack of paints. Keep a camera handy. Have store of good movies.

Method : Read as much as you can....books,websites,articles..everything counts ! Everything helps you build up a pool of energy and positivity. Write. It helps. No idea how,but it does. Paint (if/when you cannot write). Take pictures...loads of them,just not for fb purpose,but taking pictures gives you a fine eye for things. Watch movies when you are lazy for all the above options. (Last i watched was Monster,uff the desperation and isolation in it )

Note : Do not disturb people who dont need you to feel happy and contended. Because that is afterall you always wanted,in the first place. For every one such person there are so many more who need your presence in their lives ! Your family...your friends...random people at your work place whom you dont even bother to glance at or make an effort to know their names !

Be tidy in thoughts,get busy,make yourself useful and dont be a moron :)

Goldfish in a pond

"And they say Goldfish have no memory/i guess their lives are much like mine/and the little plastic castle/is a surprise every time..."

Was reading an article by Yashar and could think of nothing else but these lines from ani Difrnaco's song. Would just write a few words about it. So would it be good or bad to not have any memory to cal our own ? It would be difficult because we may find ourselves committing the same mistakes over n over again ! It would be like we wudnt have learnt anything from our past mistakes ! Hurting and getting hurt in return repeatedly,falling for the same type of people and finding ourselves cornered against the wall...at the same spot ! We would have never had an opportunity to learn from our mistakes !

But on the other hand sometimes just like a gold fish i want to forget everything that has ever hurt me. I just want to erase the memories of the past and get over with the pain. Then may be every new day will be like the plastic castle  for the gold fish,that forgets every 3 sec (which is actually a long believed myth). Every time the goldfish circles the pond and enters the castle it is surprised to find it there,and finds it all new ! May be she gets excited ! Exploring a new place,embarking on an adventurous journey. I want to be amazed by the rising early morning sun,i want to be awestruck by the beauty of snow capped mountains ! I want to feel every rain drop as the first drop that had fallen on me,i want to be moved again and again and again by the beauty of the flowers,no matter how many times i had seen them. I want to drown in the beauty of my favorite song just as i did when i heard it for the very first time. I want to feel the rich bloom of love,with the same innocence that i had years back,sans all the fear and insecurities. I want to forget that a million things could go on wrong with  life and just believe that as marvellous is this morning with the tiny colourful flowers on my patio,same way would be my life too.

When you feel dis-con-nec-ted

Feeling dis-con-nec-ted

and living those oh-so-similar days

But the rains are new

the flowers are here too

......then why is there the same weather in me !

Go on ma chere dance in the rain

wash yourself a-new

o'w...a....i....t

Did you 'hear' the flower blooming !

did you 'see' the cool breeze !

......and nearby some-whe-re

did you feel a butterfly emerging !

Note: i start writing feeling all lonely and end up finding some hope on the way to the end......that invariably happens to me. So that notion about 'hearing' the flower blooming and 'seeing' the breeze were all about heightened senses which you all must have experienced when you feel you are on the brink of an amazing discovery or something. I just wanted to convey the anxiety and the idea of stepping onto something lovely...very soon,hence the single quotes,because they aren't real !

But then why did i not single quote the (feel) in metamorphosis ! You people have the guess.

A wee bit of Unusual Life

Not even 24 hours since i had written my last post,and i am already amazed at how much life can change in how little a time ! Or may be i am wrong, may be nothing did change except ofcourse my attitude. I was busy doing so many things today,they are all forming a mix pie in my hand. But to summarize i read a lot,mostly blogs, talked to a cousin who FYI must be regretting being my 'Agony Aunt' right now ! :) But when you read about other people's lives,all that stuff that they are going through,somewhere you begin to realize that you are either going through the same or have experienced it already. I am not saying that everybody has the same life,that is preposterous but more or less the plot is same !

One blog mentioned the agony of a simple girl who is finding it hard to be accepted by her friends and peers because she is fat ! Well i am not being rude,but i think if you have to, then be blunt and call fat,instead of toning it down and calling plump or chubby. What's the sin in being fat anyways ! There are just some body related issues with you,that is it. One can be fat and still be fabulous and likewise slim and dumb ! Ha,even i was laughed at by a lady at gym yesterday but then so be it,i care the least bit. Why do people not see it,laughing at someone's expense demeans your own self not the other person. I walked into gym today and casually asked about the identity of that lady,i dont care what she thinks about me. And why should i ! Seek for no one's approval atleast in the context of your looks. We are not bodies with a soul,we all are actually souls with temporary bodies !

Next i read quite a famous blogger,you know the kind with three figure followers. Honestly the blog was trash and she is busy spreading it to twitter,tumblr,flickr and everywhere she could lay her hands at. She had nothing specific to say. All her posts were bland,heartlessly wriiten and talked of various public and personal  issues but none that could strike straight through heart. Abandoned. Why do people write anyways ! To be famous ! That's plain silly,writing is an art,it is a way of life,respect it and if not we can always learn ! I am ! Next i read a blogger whom i had admired for long,but reading her makes me think that really no-one's life is as easy or perfect as it seems. I mean i would think she is settled abroad,married and all,oh-what-so-perfect-life,i would trade her for mine anyday and yet she is facing some grave problems in her life that she is struggling to deal with. I pray she finds her peace.

Reading about all these different people along with the oscillating life modes that i am going through made me think that what exactly is different then ! Here i am sitting and brooding over some wrong choices in my life,choices that might not even leave any indelible mark,but sitting and worrying about it is making me lose the precious time that i have in hand now ! It's gonna rain in a little while here,i hope there would be showers of blessings in life of each one of us. (even the lady who laughed at me in the gym) hahhaa hell ya she did motivate me to work harder atleast :)

I am so much reminded of a scene from rocky series right now,probably the fourth,where rocky sits talking to his son about how he is always a wee bit scared of at being beaten down in the ring,but after the first blow all he thinks is of going further just an inch and making it to the next round. That made me think what if we too did the same. What if i break my life into days and hours and tell myself 'Today i am gonna keep myself happy,or for the next three hours il watch a movie or read a book and treat my senses to some pleasure or educate myself' That could work out right ? We never know, inspite of all the problems at this very moment  we might be actually mighty blessed. To dwell in each moment would be the best thing to do right now.

And now i would go and get soaked crazy in the rain. :)