Semantics of a male-female relationship

If we march into the world with a yard-stick to measure relationships,probably everyone would fail,that's a safe assumption i am making here.

Even the oldest,earnest and the most glorious of love stories would fall short. That's how delicate is the balance between a male-female relationship. Anyways i find the term relationship to be quite heavy,burdened even; so i prefer to use the term 'Companionship'.

So what is it that makes it work sometimes,and at times,totally not! From all that i have seen,what i have learnt is it's not just the action-reaction process but the most leverage goes to a certain something called the 'Expectations'. Yes the expectations that we harbor from the other person,and if overladen could drive the last nail in the coffin. That's what makes it work or fail,the fine balance between what is expected and what is received.

To make it clear i am not talking about the expectations in terms of materialistic goods neither the luxury nor the lavish lifestyle;they all are too shallow in this context to even consider. What i am talking about is need of time,need of space,need of being and standing for each other,time and again. One of us expects time,the other one has a tight schedule...unfulfilled expectations..leads to disappointment...and a love that could have soared high in the skies never even takes the flight.

At the risk of sounding feminist (which i am not in this particular context) i would say that more often than not,it is the female partner in a relationship that makes all the compromises. Why it is always expected that from us,is out of my mind. Husbands can be busy with their jobs,can be bad tempered because of traffic,ever tired to look after kids or lousy enough to do household chores.,if he is not there for his spouse he has a million of 'valid' excuses,handy. But the same is not true for wives,who are expected to be present for their spouse or family,without fail. If not,they fall short of the social yard stick and hence are branded no-good. I guess that's how girls are bred in India,to be considerate regarding everyone else's needs except that of their own.

For how much longer do we have to carry the burden of our ever-pleasing attitude! Can't we just for once stomp down our feet and say that enough is enough. For once i want to be stubborn,i want to be demanding. I want to be selfish and command love,respect,time and care. I do not find anything bad in that. I hope i get a partner who understands atleast this much that how crucial it is for him to balance his own part of the act in this companionship. And if our social structure thinks less of women that think this way then,well it has to be changed for the good. If not the-devil-may-care-policy always rocks :)

Mind-games

Just happened to ask a troublesome question to a friend today: 'When we miss someone,does that person have any inkling that somewhere in this whole wide world he is being missed badly ?'

To which my friend replied: 'May be....and if yes,then that's called telepathy'

Which got the ball rolling,and got me thinking...Do we really have a way to communicate with someone beyond any tangible means of communication !

If yes,does it happen all the time,answer is most certainly not. And when it does happen,what does it signify! Does that mean that we happen to share an unseen bond with the person !

Our mind,or our sub-conscious is a way more complex and complicated system than what we can imagine ! Just finished watching 'Black Swan' and felt sorry yet again for the victims of schizophrenia,poor souls are trapped in their own minds ! That sure is one hell of a scary place to be trapped for !! It doesn't allow us to escape anywhere as it is 'our own self' that we are trying to run away from !

So who knows Telepathy could be a reality ! It couldn't be invoked,it certainly cannot be ensured,then what is it after all ! Does our mind really have the power to bind someone else's thoughts ? More so that happening with me is very untoward because i am for one, quite an "unconcentrated" person,which implies that generally my thoughts are all over the place ! They are as scattered as colours of a rainbow,they want to be everything and to be everywhere...all at once. But if and when my minuscule brain finds a prism to concentrate all it's energy at one place,it just gets too damn hard for me to handle.

We never know how to do that. Some psychics or mind-benders or whatever they call those people might know how to,but we sure do not. But this telepathy does exist. Atleast that's what i learnt today. There indeed are some deep connections,projected by our own minds. And they do exist all the time,no matter how oblivious we are or may seem to it.

So in effect all we need are those 'Prisms' !! These can come in all forms,shapes and disguises. For some these prisms are their homes,their families,spouse and kids; for others might be their careers,status,power,money; and for select few their prism might be none of these things. It might be hidden somewhere deep beneath the clutter of our own thoughts.
How we find it...is the struggle we do all our lives. 

Reinvention

I have handfuls of new's in my life.

My sister's got married and it's a little strange to see her as someone "married" !!! To think of that now she has her own home to stay,her own family to take care of,is r..e...a....lly weird,but a happy kind of weird ! And then my blogging is there for me,another new in my life. Some new people that i am meeting daily,and certain old friends that i am revisiting. Must i say that this spring had brought some new bloom to my life too!

I am happy reading,writing,doing my job(though i dont have much work to do,but hey no complains there,because that leaves me with enough time to do stuff of my own). Another 'new' is people taking out time and reading ( and i mean a..c..tually reading what i write!) So much for what i thought of....'aww who would be ever interested in reading my tell-tales ! '

On self perceptive front i am discovering a whole new universe about 'me' !!! I found out that how much i like watching paintings and pictures,this fact is proved by my fetish for all the art pages that i have liked and visit(read spend hours surfing) regularly on fb and blogger! And though i may not be able to paint well,as yet,or i may not understand everything about the intricacy of art-world but i sure have developed a knack to spot the good ones ! Which is a pretty shocking revelation for me .

Just a couple of days back i happened to land on a website of a young indian teenage girl who stays abroad now,probably US i believe,though can't recollect any book written by her or anything but she seemed to be quite a famous blogger of sorts,400+ followers and likes! One particular post with 138 comments(!) grabbed my eyeballs,turns out to be a poetry in hindi. It was unbelievably horrendous! Murderous attempt at hindi or for that matter of sake,writing. She should be banned from writing in my opinion,not applauded! But that i guess is the norm,rat-race...like what everyone else is liking. Do not try to fetch a mind of your own,and if you happen to have one,don't dare use it.

Well my maladies...my bad. Moving on to my topic of 'new' i joined a new gym today,not that there was anything bad with the old one,but yet again my knack for doing something new,is making me go insane And i am onto a new diet plan,hopefully would be able to lose a tyre or two there. While at it,i am quite confident of my body,i dont hate it inspite of being plump,but i just want to reinvent myself.  
If out there is someone who is mentally tormented or unhappy about his/her body type/image please do visit this site : http://fatandtheivy.tumblr.com/ . My advice: Do whatever it takes to make you happy,because if you march out to please others,you would never win that battle. And by others i mean family,friends,spouse/partner,Bf/Gf, e..v...e....rybody else.

I find myself in a happy place today..now...in this moment. Wish that's the case with each and one of you too. ciao. 

Wo phir nahi aate..

Mama

One year since mama has gone. Live life King-size...people just say that,he did that. Many people lead a glorious life,but he was glorious in his death too.

If you are not of my family or one of my closest friends then please do not read any further,for you won't understand the feelings behind this post,unless you have loved and lost a family member.

gagan,deepak,mama,me,mohika,niharika oct 2010

Mama was a samurai by heart,strong willed,determined,undefeated by anything life had to throw his way and yet very very God fearing spiritual person and an amazing family man. I was always surprised by his ability and promptness to help any one of family and friends in need. Full of life and vibrant with energy there was never a dull moment around him. With him we were always laughing,chirping,chatting and having fun. Life was " L.I.F.E " around him.

gagan,mama,me and angel- Chambal-boating Oct 2010

Being the youngest in family he was much loved by everybody and also favourite one of all of us children. He had pampered us all bad and spoiled us thoroughly with his never failing love and care.

bachha party with mama

None of us can forget the numerous trips to ice cream stores and vacations in mussourie. We all had been at the receiving end of his generosity. Gifts,clothes,perfumes he used to shower all of that at us much like his love and protection.Children of our family used to love his company,nothing else would do for us! House was always full of squeals and cries of 'raju mama' or 'raju chacha' . He had love of his elders too in equal amounts! He was the one person everybody would seek for in need of councel or advice,children and grown-ups alike.He was and is loved dearly by his brother,sisters and the rest of the family too.

All those who had known him knows he always had something to share with everyone. This post i dedicate to him and would just write a thing or two that either i had heard from him or i just picked from being on his side.

niharika,mohika and angel with mama

First of those things was to love and respect our parents beyond anything and anyone in this world. This one thing that he emphasized in all and every talk that we ever had, i took a 'little' extra time to learn. Actually this first lesson that he wanted me to learn sunk in deep only after he was gone. In many ways his demise became the single most important turning point in my life. And believe me by saying this i am NOT exaggerating this fact in any way.

niharika,gagan,mama,mami,me,mum,dad at gurgaon hypercity mall- Dec 2010

For me he was my mama then,my maternal uncle,a loving family man with flamboyant personality loaded with oodles of confidence and zest for life. But on this day last year he became my guiding light,my mentor,to whom NOW i could talk to anytime i want! Strange how death brings people closer than they ever were in life ! The last time i talked to him was on my birthday last year,we had a short conversation and God only knows how many times on this birthday i had mentally played and replayed that conversation,remembering and savouring every word in his voice. I always remember him and his family in my prayers and ask for his forgiveness for the time i could have spent with him and i didn't.

Mama-Bhanja jodi :)

The next thing he taught me was to never lose faith.I remember him narrating numerous incidents that how he had always received help when he needed, just because he held on for a little long and never lost upon the Almighty. Never more had i needed his kind of relentless unwavering faith and its assurance than now in my life. I know now that only when the times are difficult we can see God's hand at work in our lives. When i am weak,God is strong.

Mama n Mum

He taught me that how people remember us is all that matters. There were scores of friends and family members swarming in Medicity where he had been admitted for 5 days following a massive MI. None of them knew what to do,none of them could actually do anything else other than praying for him. And that's what everybody did. And that's how the person who lived life king-size departed from this world. Amongst the prayers of all his family,friends,acquaintances,and anybody and everybody whose life he had touched.
And then he passed off from this world to an another glorious one.

Wo Raah...

काले अँधेरे सा फैला अकेलापन
और कभी बिस्तर की सलवटो में सिमटा सा


अनजान चेहरों में कभी
अपनों को ढूँढा करता है

रात बेरात जब भी आँखे बंद करती हु
उसे देखा करता है की जिसे
पहचाना नहीं अब तलक मैने

दिल की गहरायियो में रंज भी है
कही वफ़ा भी
सोच के की क्या यही अब से ज़िन्दगी है
हैरान भी हु और परेशान भी


कभी टटोलती, कभी संभलती,कभी खुद ही को समझाती हु
की वो राह जिसपर है जन्नत का नूर-ए-सबब

वो राह बस अगले मोड़ पर ही कही है ..

The Way You Make Me Feel...

" (shrieky) O My God i am telling ya al he's just the perfect p..e..r..f..e..c...t guy....the awesom...e...s...t one ! Finding him is like finding Jimmy Choo of shoes,Bourke of bags or YSL of perfumes" or as the lesser brand concious innocuous females would compare as to finding the perfect fitting pair of jeans or may b the tastiest ice-cream flavor!

That's how it feels to meet him- 'The Perfect Guy'.....You just know it's 'him' ! Like this....(snap)...de pronto. That's how we girls had always been. We have an extra sense of organ to spot 'em. The sixth sense or instinct or call what you may. But that's the primordial way. I once found myself asking one of my classmates as to what made her say yes to this guy whom she had just met,arranged by her family,and she simply replied 'it clicked'. I went in my mind xcuse me..umm....whhhat...it did ! Then that rests my case ! Something must be awfully wrong with my clickers or whatever it is that supposed to be guiding me and stuff.(Congrats to her,she is happily married now, FYI)

What the hell..i blame it all upon(and do so comfortably) my clickers,sniffers,pickers,antennae whatever it is that's supposed to pick up the right signals. They sure have gone all haywired and a l...o....t mistuned,guiding me to all the wrong places and people...damn them. Well with age i have learnt to 'sense' my senses ! I read 'em now so much better! And the answer is i do the exact opposite of what they tell me to. Screw them,i ain't falling for your shit anymore H..A...in your face. So much for my feminine instincts! And that's how i just ignore,suppress,strangle,and pin down any feelings whatsoever for any guy now. While it's all hair-pulling madness on our planet it's a piece of cake in Mars'ville for the 'unfair' sex (pun intended).

Damn easy for the guys...they just fool themselves into believing that they are in love. Guys just pick up random things of which the list is quite short-lived,mostly it is the good body(by which we all know what i mean), some candid ones pick up lovely smile,or dovey eyes, or naive laughter, or may be long hair or whatever god damned thing they are fascinated with. My point here,they just play this game of make-believe that they are in for love for life. Not so much with girls though, the process takes time for us. It takes time to build up and similarly,it does take time to wrap it up for us.

But what seals the deal is actually how the person makes you feel. Not taking the risk of talking for anyone else but for me the whole game is of the way he makes me 'feel' ! There comes a point in life when it doesn't matter how much he earns,what brands he wears,how cool,sassy or metrosexual he is. A simple guy,without even an ounce of air could do the trick. He just has to make 'you' feel to be wanting to be with him,around him for every single day of the rest of your life. Not everyday one meets a guy like that. Not everyday does a girl feel that way about a guy. Not everyday does a girl stand in front of a guy and tells him "I am just a girl..standing in front of a boy asking him to love her".

p.s Sorry for taking the ending from Notting Hill,but that's what i suppose is the only thing a girl really ever wants.

Inward Blooming

As you grow older and hopefully more vigilant you start seeing life for what it is....sum total of all phases. And certain events makes this realization very tangible. One of those events was 3 days back..my sister's marriage. So as she was entering a new era in her life with a wonderfully cool person as her life partner,it made me realize my own little phase that i was entering too.

The phase where i had become a nonchalant version of me. If at all i could name this phase i would call it the 'Inward Blooming'. Not many people could understand the sense of calm or the reason behind it. According to so many people(and from time to time me too) i don't have any reason to be happy. But here i am...still happy. When we as 'being' become happy with ourselves we complete ourselves in a cosmic way and it is then that we actually find out our path,i believe.

If it's destiny or our own choices that decides the course of our lives,i am not sure,but what i am pretty sure about is that it is only me who decides if i am happy or not. There would always be reasons to be not happy,to be dissatisfied,to be bitter,to be longing for things that we don't own and our friends do...but there's only one person in the world who could keep you happy.

Last night while reading through some blogs i came across rumi's poetry and one particularly mesmerized me so much,it read

'Be like melted snow- wash yourself of yourself'

How beautifully it's been put together. Unless we become one, we would never be able to cleanse ourselves and without that the grime on us would never let us see and appreciate the real beauty of the world around us. That's what i try to do from time to time,spending time reading something good washes me of all the dirt and makes me look world in a whole different light.

My sister's wedding made me realize how vital our family and friends are for us and how trivial are things that we value so much. As long as we have a handful of people who are there to pick us up when we fall or trip nothing else matters. The things we own,that we toil to own are just miry clay that sinks us deeper n deeper into the swamp of greed.

Another thing that i learned is that there is no one right way to look at a thing. Though i am way less judging now than ever before,still i was explicitly reminded of this fact yet again. What is wrong,who is wrong how can we say that and moreover who gave us the power to say that! That is one single most largest impact that inward blooming has we see more of us and less of everybody else.

With time we learn to pay as little attention as possible to what people say or think about us,all that matters is if i know i am in right light. And from that knowledge blooms up a little lotus in the miry pool of heart.

Angry Streaks

O'my angry streaks

don't like you and be away from me

i know it's hard

i know it's skewed

i need some peace

to curl and lie down here

A Note of Thanks

Whatever happens..happens for the best. How far are you ready to believe in it! Sometimes you are burdened with even the need to be optimistic all the time. It's just not humanly possible to be cheery and upbeat 24/7. But just when i feel i am being burdened beyond limits,and being stretched to the breaking point,help always reaches me in some form or other.

It is particularly good to listen to so much optimism from a person who had faced his own fair share of trials.And all along he kept on saying just a thing that whatever happens...happens for good. How the hell is that 'good' for us, that we might find out later,but not necessarily that what we can't or don't see,does not exist. I hope whatever everybody talks about good things finally happening to people who never stop believing in it,turns out to be true. For my own sake i 'want' it to turn out true!

But it's hard to imagine of making it big professionally when we don't see any scope of growth or opportunities lurking around the corner. How does hoping for love in our life makes that happen for us,i am yet to understand. I don't know if any of that would turn out or that if actually piece by piece our life indeed is completing it's jigsaw puzzle on its own,but it sure does gives so much courage to hear from someone that there definitely is light at the end of the tunnel. For talking to me all that,and for just being considerate enough to talk to me,i will be ever grateful to you ashish bhaiya.

I do hope sincerely that your life turns out to be exactly as you want it to be,down to the every single bit of it(hyundai verna included) :) and i do hope that someday i too would be at that side of the conservation telling someone to not sweat out and just wait for right things to come by. God wish i would pass that baton to someone in need...one day!

The Little Dark Room

She didn't know what to do with them. She had cherished them,for God knows how many years. They had adorned her wrists for a long long while..so long that they felt part of her own lovely fair skin. And now that they had broken..it was difficult for her to just put them away. How could she ! These bangles had once meant 'love' for her,they reminded her day and night that she was a woman,that she 'belonged' to someone.

They were not meant to be seen as burdens of a relationship but a beautiful reminder of light crispy love that covers heart as early morning dew. Those days of new love had been kept alive in her mind,everytime she saw these bangles. They helped her to remember that how she had been treated like a beloved once! That her smile once had the power to win someone's heart and her tears were a powerful weapon once too!

They had helped her keep the romance alive,even long after it had vanished,gone forever...never to return back. They had been her last hope,her 'something' to hold onto,as if just holding onto them would make everything good again! But a heart in love could give senseless advice and can change the course of all life. That's what had happened to her. She held onto them for long....too long! She wore them like her skin,she was proud of them and the worst that she had 'believed' in them!

And that's what had hurt her most,it was not the pain of bruises in her wrists,at some levels it was not even the pain of 'losing' them but it was the pain that she had 'believed' in them! She had trusted them to keep her heart from breaking. And now she had to find a place to put them away. If only it was that easy! No,they can't be kept here,where she could see them,it would be agonising. So she found the best place to keep(read discard) them. There surely she wouldn't find them,she would surely forget about them. Once decided she held them in her hands for just a while longer and then wiping the tear tracks off her face she stood up.

In a moment she had transformed from a coy,shy,innocuous girl to a women of grit and determination. For a split second that had surprised her too. Decidedly she marched to the little dark room. She has often used that unsavoury room to dump things that she didn't like. Things that she had innocently borrowed and equally innocently had forgotten to return. they had lost their charm after awhile and all had found their way to that little dark room. We all have one of those rooms. We all use it to dump things we no longer use,things we no longer like,or things we no longer want to confront. It's easy most of the times,at other times we have to fight and suppress our stupid conscience,but like it or not that little dark room becomes more stuffy with time.

She despised going into that room. That room seemed to crawl under her skin and gave her the creeps. But this had to be done,and she readied herself for the unwelcomed encounter. She placed her lovely red bangles in the dark creepy old room.But even in the cold,misty space of the room they didn't seem like 'gone'. They were still shiny,still red,in stark contrast to the room,they felt like a beating heart in a corpse. May be it will take some more time for them to find their place of rest. She tries to remind herself that life has to go on. She reluctantly comes out,bathed herself,dressed and went back to the people in her house.

Some days later she was happy,feeling unburdened even! She could laugh now,she could still do so much in life. Who said all was over! She smiles and thinks may be they say right that everything happens for good,everything happens for a reason. Days turned to weeks and weeks to months she was living again,it's good to be with family,all of them sitting in the living room,sharing laughs,cracking jokes,she too is there,laughing and cheering and basking in the warmth of the people who stand with us no matter what.But then why does it feel that someone is calling her out from that little dark room!

Something to live for

Someone once told me 'I want to live in a way,so that when i die atleast a thousand people remember me'. His words stuck to me,it's almost impossible to forget the way he told me that. But then i started thinking what after those thousand people die! What after the memories that we have created in mind of others fade,what after the 'best' work we had done is forgotten by even other 'better' works by someone after us! Steve Job's 'making a dent in the universe' is not a cardinal truth of life. No doubt doing good in our workfield gives us loads of satisfaction,doing greater things keeps us alive in people's mind for a little longer(may be)...and then what!

Death is inevitable,in both the forms...carnal and conscious. No one can or will remember us eternally for anything great that we might have achieved. So my point then is why and what have we set out to achieve! I read,write and love surfing through art sites....but why? Not because i want to write a book someday and mint money,or that i want to show off my menial writing skills! I do all that to 'educate' myself,to relinquish my soul with as much pleasure as i can afford to provide to it.

We all remember sitting with our grandparents and listening to their stories. When have they ever shared with us their pride at long work hours and expensive things they had bought! Their stories are invariably always about how they had journeyed through life,their adventures and misadventures, about family, friends or neighbours. My grandparents had come from Burma with my dad and their other children in 1969 when Burma went under military rule. They always used to talk about their house there,their town in mountains,long winding roads to it,the life they once had there,they cherished every single memory of that place,they had numerous little things to tell us like how they used to eat everything in a bowl using chopsticks! (and that includes even rice) !

But never once i remember them talking about their life and work and the difficulties they had to face here,in India! All they had was the memories of a place that used to be their home once. So is slogging at work,making money and building a house enough to gives us happiness! May be not! May be we need to nourish our souls and our senses to make us happy. We never completely understand the purpose of our lives. That is something that only our creator knows. He made us and hence He alone knows for what purpose He did that. In the mean time only thing that we can do is to provide joy to 'us' and 'others'...that's our duty. That joy can come from reading,writing,travelling,painting,or even from giving.

Things don't matter,unless you are giving them away and bringing smile to someone's face. I think that's the best purpose money can serve. A friend of mine,whom i had never even met,sent a wedding gift to my sister for her wedding. How happy it made me,would be impossible for me to put into words! That's what joy of giving is! The best thing you can do for a sunflower is to show it the Sun...the best you could do for yourself is to keep sneaking your senses the potion of it's happiness and joy.

Sickly loneliness

Some things they say cannot be explained,certain feelings stand beyond the world of words...mocking them.

Try explaining a visually challenged the color green, and you would know how difficult it is to put into words the sickly feeling of loneliness. It comes in a sudden surge,great big waves of loneliness,you won't even know what hit you! You can experience these pangs almost anywhere and anytime,watching tv,having dinner,washing dishes. Just let your guard down for a moment and it would slap tight across your face.

What do i do then? I reach out for my phone..fast as a bolt of lightening. In what hopes...hahaa eludes me! As if someone remembers me! As if someone somewhere would have felt that something has happened 'to' me! N'ah that never happens. Just like innumerable times in the past i am highly tempted to message a loved one! But i just control myself,do not message,and save making a fool of myself.

And then when the 'wave' has crashed and receded i look around and see what i am left with.Almost invariably i always check my hands,as if expecting to find something 'lost' from them. I am standing empty handed (both literally and metaphorically). pffew...how do i make someone understand this! How do i start to put it into words! How do i say what being and feeling lonely means.....just try explaining the color green to me.

I Like...

Smell of earth in the first rains

Perfume of a loved one that lingers behind..

Hug from a friend when i need it the most

Warmth that fills my heart when i know i am loved.

The sweet rainy mornings

when i don't have a care in the world

just a cup of coffee and a lovely book

to hug myself sitting by some lonely corner of the room.

The cool breeze of winter nights

when christmas is just around the corner

the slow hum of a song faraway

and wiggling my toes under the blanket.

To sit in the sunny mornings

with paints in hand

splashing them mindlessly

around me colorful little flowers.

Suddenly receiving a letter from friend

that shows how much she cares

both smiling and crying to myself

and loving you and hugging you,my friend.

Those unexpected messages in my inbox

that says wish i was there with you

and then closing my eyes and sending you a hug

when the world doesn't seem mine at all.

I like when i know i am blessed

that somewhere my God has good plans for me

being blessed with a good family and caring friends

I could thus rest in His faithfulness.

Meet na mila re man ka..

Driving to work with this song on FM>could anything put the turmoil into words in a better way than this kishore kumar number ! R..e....ally doubt it!

That prodded me to think how many of us has someone in their lives with whom they can 'connect' just like that #snap# Ok! We all have family,friends,life partners even, but what about a soulmate ! Or is that word a myth !

That's what this song is all about.Beautifully woven. It's not overtly melancholic,not sung as some sad,anguished lover's plea but rather it just states that he didn't find the one that his heart wishes for or even longs for ! I wonder haven't we all been there ! All of us have felt those pangs for the want of someone who would understand us as far as the words could go...and then even a step further.

It's said that through eyes we could see the beauty of soul. But where then lies those bifocals that are custom made to see the beauty of mine ! I for one,am articulatively challenged,many a times i find myself saying one thing,all the while meaning to say something totally different. I fear that way the only person that could get to know and love me would be my shrink ! :P

By this time drumming my fingers on the steering wheel and nodding my head along with the song,murmuring 'You totally get me baby' , i was soaked completely in the beauty of this simple song,so apt for me in that moment,but behold the croons of a hopeful heart when it sings: "Roz mae apne hi pyaar ko samjhau......wo nahi ayega..maan nahi pau" and that's the point when i mentally kick all mushy bollywood flicks and extravagantly romantic songs for making my heart flutter when it just wants to stop doing that.

I wish,hope and pray for me as well as for the innumerable people i watch daily around me. I look into their eyes and i see someone trapped there inside,just waiting to be freed. I wish i could have done that in any way for them,but i can't even if i want to. For it's not me that holds the key to the entrapments of their heart.

it's a disease..this hope in our Heart

Like a disease

it consumes

It spreads inside you

to each tiny little cell

It takes up your mind

body and soul

holds it captive

refuses to let go

It wakes you up

in sunny mornings

with a glow

in your heart

You see a bright lovely face

in the bathroom mirror

Hopeful sleepy eyes

that wish for things better

Deceitful symptoms

and ghastly results

I tell you,it has

because it is a disease

deadlier than others

that spreads beneath the skin

takes hold of your being

It is a disease..this hope in our Heart

Changes

I always love articles with catchy titles,though the one i am writing now doesn't have any. For the simple reason that i don't want it to. I want it to say exactly what i am thinking at the moment,and i am just thinking about 'change'.What started this thought process was looking my face in the mirror. While at it,i noticed a couple of grey hairs that made me inspect my face for any fine lines,wrinkles and even crow's feet. Well i hope not to ! But what i saw didn't make me worry,instead it just made me think that how far i had come !

Just a couple of years back,or so it seems,i had gone to college! There i had learnt to live without the protection and instructions of my parents,had learnt to fend for myself,spent sleepless nights alone when i used to be ill,had bought my first dress,gone for the first college trip,coffees,parties,movies, and also i had been this oh-so-sensitive girl who would cry at the drop of ball and could be easily provoked to have huge outbursts of anger,that many people around me had to suffer in silence as if they owed me something ! I am so sorry for all that mess i had caused back in my college days and really have apologized a million times in my mind to anyone whom i had offended then. I still cry easily but i don't get these humoungous outbursts anymore. I get angry,oh yes,but both the quantity and frequency has decreased substantially.

Makes me wonder how much i have changed ! Things that had been huge issues and worthy of holding up my chin and making and holding those stinky-faces seem so very futile now. Topics that seemed "non-reconcilable" just a year back had just vanished into thin air! Where are those arch enemies,where is that bitterness,complex issues,hard held grudges! Where are those people whom we had refused to let go,the relations that were to break only at our death beds,promises that were meant to last a lifetime!

Nothing stays..people change,situations change,opinions change,thought processes change because it's 'time' that change! Time is a powerful tool,a mighty one. As you move away in years from a certain occurence in life you realize it wasn't as huge or relevant as it had seemed back then. Time in it's relativity shows and teaches us that we watched it differently because we were too upclose back then,much like when we hold the paper too close to our eyes and we lose the focus. At a distance..the story stands entirely different. Things that had hurt mightily back then,don't hurt that much now,matters of hate and grudge seem menial,people you had really despised..well u don't even remember why you had hated them so much in the first place! And every once in a while we think 'oh what a wuss i had been,back then'

It's true, life is what happens to us,while we are busy doing other things. Life is what happens when we are paying the least attention to it. Life is what happens when we are having a cozy dinner with our family,life is what happens..when we sit and share a joke with our loved ones,life is what happens..when we are laughing like a maniac with our best friend on some silly matter,life is what happens..when you see your kids playing in the park,life is what happens..when you are listening to a song and lose yourself in it from tip to toe.All these moments when we are totally unaware of it....life is happening.

It's never of our choosing,it would never be of our choosing,we could just give it a drift and the best we could do is to...well just go through it with 'as less fuss' as possible. I use that phrase because it's not possible practically to be smiling always or to be happy go lucky kind(well for those of you who could do that,i have just two words:Lucky bas*****) :) but we could atleast try to frown less,to stay calm and try to take everything in stride,each little step by step. And that's how the ball rolls.

Aging ! So far hasn't scared me.I don't care how i look,if only i feel better along the way. Every time i am tempted to be materialistic and insensitive,i remind myself that i don't intend to be sitting a few years from now and thinking- if only i had a chance to do that one thing a little bit differently !

X-(

Sometimes that's the state of my mind !

On some days....nothing works.

Right from the traffic..to people..to browsers...everything seems to be dim witted and painfully slow. What a horrible slogging saturday it was. Slept off all through my aerobics class and had a stupid unpleasant dream instead. I knew then and there 'the day' is marked. Everything irritates my hyper-stimulated senses on these days. What the hell even the weather's turning me angry X-( not too cold for woolens but then even not too hot to be done with them either. Cancelled appointments,unscheduled work,frustatingly slow browser everything's got on my nerves today. Even the tailor who didn't finish my work on time, got a good piece of my mind !

Wonder what everybody else does on these days ! Usually tea/coffee does the trick for me,but not today!(had well over 5 cups since morning,in vain) I enjoy taking small walks in the park such days,but it's too cold and uninviting to leave the comfort of my room and so that thought goes down the drain...inmediato! I am angry at the fucked up browser,i am angry that i don't even have a laptop,i am angry that i cant find a reasonable movie downloader to download and watch movies,i am angry because i don't want to spend my life holed up someplace when there's so much of the world out there to be seen,i am angry because i am yet to discover my passion and purpose in life and i am also angry that promises are made easily and just as easily they are forgotten too!

None at All

With stinging burning eyes

i look at my phone

any messages from you

None at All !

Promises are aplenty

like tiny little stars

do i not believe them

None at All !

Heart has its reasons

his own cares in wooly little world

but is logic amongst them

None at All !

I close my tired eyes

and i wish for you

Do i not trust you

None at All !

My Writing Blues

Offlate i have been experiencing both calm and a sense of unrest simultaneously.

I feel so much settled and sediment'ed since i have started writing! I think that's because putting your feelings into words needs lot of introspection,concentrating on within and shuffling things deep inside instead of haywiring our brains with gossips and matters concerning others that should not be consuming our thought processes at all in the first place.

Writing needs a lot of understanding about the subject one chooses to write upon,and in my case it still is 'me'. I guess someday i would write about other things too,but for now it's all about exploring me and it sure has made me much more focused,introspective and yet shown me the bigger picture always.The more i understand myself the more i can understand others and their reasons of doing or saying or behaving in a certain manner. I am much less judging in my nature now than ever before,having brought my own flaws and faults to surface and dealing with them.

That all has invariably calmed me down. I read a lot,as much as i can without getting myself "influenced" by someone else's writing skills and pattern. I write exactly what i feel. And that's what i am so happy to be doing,and being honest with my writings irrespective of who from my family and friends would be reading, just liberates me!

A very dear and very close friend of mine,after reading my blog,said that i shouldn't be so honest with my feelings in my blog,u know putting everything on the line here! I am not unaware of his concern,i know he thinks it makes me dangerously vulnerable,i used to think that too! But the truth is it's turning out to be totally opposite of that,i am gaining much more confidence and shedding my prior inhibitions down here! i guess i am having one of those proverbial one-sided affair with my blog!

Today morning sitting on my terrace porch with a cup of tea in one hand and newspaper in the other,and my feet stretched out in the sun,i found my thoughts wandering into everything in the surrounding,guess i was searching for something to write about! It's always like that nowadays, off and on i find myself searching for topics,thoughts or stuff to write about. Though i had decided to take a break from writing lest i become insanely repetitive and boring,i discovered that won't last.I just have to write! I need to write! That keeps me safely within nonflammable range.The more i write i find myself doling out my doubts,anger,frustation and feel lighter and more in the state of being free to enjoy myself. So not writing made something wiggle in me...all the time...continuously...like some tape worm writhing inside finding a tissue to bury itself in, to derive energy from it.And hence i titled this post as writing blues.

Looking around at my mother's lovely green potted ferns with sunlight shining bright on them,and from there 'onto' me, i realized it would be an utter agony for me to set a topic and then to write on it! It's like caging my thoughts! When i want to write,i want it to flow from within me,i want these words to be the truest representation of me irrespective of how incoherent or unimpressive they may sound.