The turmoil within every mind: What's happened to Aishwarya rai !

 I don't get what the debate is about ! How the hell has Aishwarya rai turned up so fat and fugly !!! Pretty darn nonsense. pffffew.

Yes she is carrying a baby weight !
But she is an actress she sells a fantasy ! She should look like one !
Oh i had baby 6weeks back and had lost major baby fat ! (heard on fb somewhere) (my take : yeeah that's all you are good for barbie doll :P )
And some place else : "Pehle every man wanted a wife like Aishwarya rai....Now Aishwarys rai looks like every man's wife.
How derogatory that is !!! We leave no stones unturned in making a mockery of ourselves.

Well for starters i never liked Aishwarya rai. Not because she was overly beautiful or i had some streak of jealous complex knowing that somehow there would always be someone more beautiful than me in the universe !!!  The reason i didnt like her was because she didnt have anything else to offer other than that !

This is what happens when we rely too much on our transient beauty. I dont want to have any pot-shot at her expense but i think it is a sure lesson to anybody and everybody out there who think that looking good is all that matters ! Well looking good is no biggie,believe me, i have lost quite a lot of weight before and has lost 9kgs recently in past 3months...so i understand better than anyone else the pain of being fugly and undesirable but more than that i know that i should be a lot more than just the beauty of my body and looks.

And then the other major point is the freedom of letting someone be the way they are/want to. Not being a fan of the light-eyed beauty here but i still realise that she has achieved more than most of us in our life. She has worked her ass off for some 15years and she has all right in the world to bear a little weight for her daighter and live the life as every houswife and/or mother does in this country...so leave her alone you morons.

Thanks to the types of Madhuri Dixit, Vidya Balan or Sonakshi Sinha we have some good looking plus-sizes finally arriving on big screens. See i am not saying that 'Chalo..lets all of us binge-eat and become fatso now' but there is a need to realize that nearly half of our population is struggling with obesity in current age. Some are putting up their best fight forward,so just get a little supportive and say that we dont mind curves. Its good to be in shape and healthy too.

Being fat doesnt mean the end of our lives and should'nt stop us from going and kicking the ass of the world. I never allowed it to be that way for me. I sure did feel like planting a rocky-style punch on my swimming trainer's dark-burnt cheek when he said that 'butterfly-stroke' is not my cup of tea as i am too heavy to perfect it. Well i would show him otherwise at the end of this month.

To sum up...swim...dance do everything that people say you will not be able to do,because i love to prove them wrong.

Summer Diary

There is something so damn courageous about this picture !

The will to live and the resultant fight....the fight emerging as an offshoot of a sown seed,the first step taken....that is very important. Then as we grow up what happens ?

Why do we grow up to be this tight-assed living,brooding,walking masses of shit ! Being away from monotonous rhythms of life i have discovered that it is ok for traffic to be bad and it is inevitable to find some people to be selfish or i would rather say materialistic, as long as our own little sphere of existence is devoid of things that we so much despise in others.

Simple things such as driving patiently behind a man pushing his cart (which obviously is too darn loaded for his poverty laden petite frame) instead of honking horns incessantly gives my heart a warm feeling of being able to empathise with him. For every thing that i find wrong and unjust i find a thing that shows me it is the same good world of our Lord.

Swimming is keeping me sane nowadays. For an odd hour or so i enter a different world. A world of waves and not worries. A world where i in some pragmatic way realize that all that we need to live has already been provided to us. We have clothed ourselves so heavily and unnecessarily with desires that on some level we have utterly forgotten the pure bliss of being naked. That i say metaphorically ofcourse.

Even after working for many years i dont have a substantial bank balance. And what little i have,i am very soon gonna give that away too. I earn,and spend hardly 20% on me and give away the rest. I have seen this curbs my desire to have more. As for tomorrow i dont know,but i believe i will be provided with whatever i need in my life.

Love is a need too,not a luxury. It will come too,when it's destined to. Untill then i am filling up my voids by numerous stuff. Reading is an absolute essential amongst them. My daddyji(nanaji) had a fruitful life owed to his habit of reading. Hope to make mine like his too. Feel sad for folks who havent yet discovered it. Like an old uncle in my neighbourhood. With no wife and no friends of his age and his mind getting blunt with each passing day, i frequently find him loitering around all day. Watering plants,moving things from a pointA to pointB and scratching his leathery behind. Sad. Wish i could tell him to sit and read with all the good time he has.

Happy for days. They are not over the top ecstatic neither are they flogging molly types. They are just calm,brisk and freakishly hot summer days. :) Kinda good. While swimming in the morning today i felt some beautiful words by Sahir Ludhianvi floating with me too,just penning it down here

मुझको कहने दो कि मै आज भी जी सकता हू 

इश्क नाकाम सही, ज़िन्दगी नाकाम नहीं 

उन्हें अपनाने की ख्वाहिश, उन्हें पाने की तलब 

शौके-बेकार सही साईं-ए-गम-अंजाम नहीं 

शौके-बेकार - useless hobby

साईं-ए-गम-अंजाम- painful punishment

A wee bit of Unusual Life

Not even 24 hours since i had written my last post,and i am already amazed at how much life can change in how little a time ! Or may be i am wrong, may be nothing did change except ofcourse my attitude. I was busy doing so many things today,they are all forming a mix pie in my hand. But to summarize i read a lot,mostly blogs, talked to a cousin who FYI must be regretting being my 'Agony Aunt' right now ! :) But when you read about other people's lives,all that stuff that they are going through,somewhere you begin to realize that you are either going through the same or have experienced it already. I am not saying that everybody has the same life,that is preposterous but more or less the plot is same !

One blog mentioned the agony of a simple girl who is finding it hard to be accepted by her friends and peers because she is fat ! Well i am not being rude,but i think if you have to, then be blunt and call fat,instead of toning it down and calling plump or chubby. What's the sin in being fat anyways ! There are just some body related issues with you,that is it. One can be fat and still be fabulous and likewise slim and dumb ! Ha,even i was laughed at by a lady at gym yesterday but then so be it,i care the least bit. Why do people not see it,laughing at someone's expense demeans your own self not the other person. I walked into gym today and casually asked about the identity of that lady,i dont care what she thinks about me. And why should i ! Seek for no one's approval atleast in the context of your looks. We are not bodies with a soul,we all are actually souls with temporary bodies !

Next i read quite a famous blogger,you know the kind with three figure followers. Honestly the blog was trash and she is busy spreading it to twitter,tumblr,flickr and everywhere she could lay her hands at. She had nothing specific to say. All her posts were bland,heartlessly wriiten and talked of various public and personal  issues but none that could strike straight through heart. Abandoned. Why do people write anyways ! To be famous ! That's plain silly,writing is an art,it is a way of life,respect it and if not we can always learn ! I am ! Next i read a blogger whom i had admired for long,but reading her makes me think that really no-one's life is as easy or perfect as it seems. I mean i would think she is settled abroad,married and all,oh-what-so-perfect-life,i would trade her for mine anyday and yet she is facing some grave problems in her life that she is struggling to deal with. I pray she finds her peace.

Reading about all these different people along with the oscillating life modes that i am going through made me think that what exactly is different then ! Here i am sitting and brooding over some wrong choices in my life,choices that might not even leave any indelible mark,but sitting and worrying about it is making me lose the precious time that i have in hand now ! It's gonna rain in a little while here,i hope there would be showers of blessings in life of each one of us. (even the lady who laughed at me in the gym) hahhaa hell ya she did motivate me to work harder atleast :)

I am so much reminded of a scene from rocky series right now,probably the fourth,where rocky sits talking to his son about how he is always a wee bit scared of at being beaten down in the ring,but after the first blow all he thinks is of going further just an inch and making it to the next round. That made me think what if we too did the same. What if i break my life into days and hours and tell myself 'Today i am gonna keep myself happy,or for the next three hours il watch a movie or read a book and treat my senses to some pleasure or educate myself' That could work out right ? We never know, inspite of all the problems at this very moment  we might be actually mighty blessed. To dwell in each moment would be the best thing to do right now.

And now i would go and get soaked crazy in the rain. :)

Ever judged someone's worth ?

It might look similar to us,but every person is different

What do you see yourself as ? Do u see yourself as the one who is just carelessly flung into the bloody and gory life,tossed and kickassed by the unfair world,or do you see yourselves as the person who is responsible for anything and everything that's happening with and around you !

I consider myself as the latter one. Though that might sound like i am the maker of my own destiny and the pilot of my own life,it is not so much comfortable when you had repeatedly screwed up your life,just like me ! Believe me, just because you were given a chance to choose your path and you ended up taking the wrong one is hardly a consolation for the grievous heart. But yes i do not have anyone to blame for where i am,atleast. I know a friend of mine,who falls into the first category. He thinks life's been unfair to him and that he was not given ample amount of opportunities. At first i used to listen to him and empathise. Not so much lately ! What could be the reason ?

Firstly the case could be that we hate people making excuses repeatedly. When they go on and on and on about how they couldn't do this or get that because of something that might have happened in their past ! My God,i have to admit that bugs me a little at times. But do you know the cardinal truth, i am no-one to judge him. I may find listening to his never ending excuses irritable but as a friend it is my responsibility to boost him up and get him going on the road to finding himself and his destiny. Afterall that's what friends and family are for ! I am reading this book 'The Great Gatsby' and the opening lines of the book were 'When you feel like criticizing  another person,never forget that not all the people had same advantages as you'

Who am i to judge someone as victor and another one as victim ! I have not been in their place,have not gone through their days. I mean i was given an opportunity,may be the other person did not have even that to prove his mettle. I pray that God save me from this act of judging any other person,because it's really His job,not mine. :)

Persevere

I normally do not write until i really want to or have to,but inspite of just having a single thought i have this urge to write it down lest i forget the way i feel now and here. Past few months have taken a huge toll on the part of me that exudes optimism. I have always since i can remember have been sorts of pollyanna myself. But tough times wear and tear you down beyond your worst nightmares.

But the thought that has stuck to my mind lately is "it just takes a single moment,for life to become wonderful". Reminds me profoundly of Jimmy Eat World number "It just takes some time" and yes even the idea is similar. I have been oscillating between breezes of positivity and pits of pessimism for so long that the state doesn't compel me to write anymore. I find my writing much easy flowing when i am distressed. But then i thought 'well yeea why not write something good..for a change'. I don't have much to write. I have just this one thought in my mind right now,much like a light at the end of a long,dark,perilous tunnel. Well more like a flicker of light,that i am not yet sure of,so it doesnt call on for a celebratory dance but makes your heart glow with a faint warmth and the feel of making out of it...finally.

I never write beyond the point where i feel i have done saying what i needed to. I do not like to read posts that keep on dragging and dragging even when there isnt anything left to said. So i would just stop here for you to contemplate it yourself. If you had taken out time to read this post i would like to personally tell it you that it really just takes only a single moment for ALL of your life to turn around. Be a fighter and choose to live even through the troughs of life with dignity and integrity. Someday you will be happy that you did.

Are we all connected !

Have you ever thought about your role here...at the exact place where you are now,at this exact point of time? Have you ever wondered about things being connected to each other as in cause and effect scenario,like what they say everything that happens,happens for good (if not ours,may be someone else's-that's what i believe). We might not be able to see the whole picture now,but someday when i see the picture,may be this all will make some sense. I will finally grasp the importance of certain someone in my life whom i really despise now or may be am just uncomfortable living with. Or a certain situation in my life would prove to be a turning point in some way or the other. Just like when a movie is being made in bits and pieces the actors have no idea what it's all about,but they are expected to give their best shot nevertheless.

Do you also believe in things being connected to each other in some deep ways,in ways beyond our contemplation ? That tiny random incident with a stranger while travelling in a train that you just can't push out of your mind,a routine chat with a friend or comments here on blog ! Offlate i have found myself looking a little too much into all these things in life,these things that we tend to oversee. Or sometimes it might be the bleak seconds by which you missed an accident or a mishap,turn of events that disappoint you now,but which you would be able to understand only later !

Recently i saw this tv show 'Touch' and it worked like gasoline in fire. It felt like an epiphany ! It might be just a tv show,but when i watched it i found myself so much......what to say...mortal ! It makes you feel how small you are in this huge P L A N. Makes you feel stupid for fretting over petty things. I do believe that every incident,every person is designed specially for me. Even a person whom i might not know well,but chat or converse here on my blog,is destined to be in my life for some special purpose. By some plan he/she has arrived in my life,might be just on the fringes,but yes nevertheless. Never take any acquaintance casually. If you like someone let them know. Be generous with your praise,you never know how badly the other person might need it. It doesn't cost you anything...a kind word,a kudos for encouragement,or a smile on a tough day might make all the difference in some one's life. No person is an island. Every person has a role to play in our life and vice-versa. How we play that role is upto us. You don't want to end up doing a lousy job at the end.

That's me...

There's this awkward feeling,when you maintain calm amidst a storm. And i love that feeling,for a moment or two  only may be but it makes me feel so confident and positive about me and everything else. I know very shortly there would be some hard core thinking to do and some very important decisions to make,but it's weird i am feeling relaxed ! See we are bothered when we are sad,and we are bothered even if we are not bothered about anything anymore ! Pffew...what the hell are we ! :)

So because this is a random post i will just write randomly. Take things one at a time. Be kind to yourselves..you owe atleast that much to you. It is your responsibility to keep yourselves happy,if you cannot,nobody can. Treat yourselves to some good music,good food (try cooking it yourselves),good ride and some good exercise. Treat your body with love and respect. You are bound to feel good.

I have been reading and watching some blogs,considerably young people and explosively talented,i must say ! I feel dwarfed in the world of blogger. There are so many awesome bloggers. Some write beautifully and they like write about everything that happens to them. Makes me feel,i too am having all those experiences with them. Was particularly offset one day and stumbled upon a blog with beautiful pictures....pictures of mountains....mountains like i have never seen before. Siddharth was his name i guess. Just the simple act of seeing his blog was a blessing to me. It took me to altogether different place. Place where i had always wanted to go.

I love the honesty in people's blog. I don't want to read any fancy blogs with hundreds of followers and no soul in writing ! When i write,i pour my heart out,not thinking of anything else. Fancy and pretty photoblogs i had seen many,those pictures seemed to be taken with the purpose of posting them on the blog. And when you do something for a selfish purpose,nature misses out on you. Every artist,whether writer or photographer has to be honest with his work,only then a part of our soul gets attached to the art.

Someone from australia had brilliant pictures on his blog,mighty honest too ! Made me want to own a DSLR of my own. Seek for the beauty around you and it will then flow into you. So a good camera is definitely on my wish list. Want to go travel and visit places. Not for the purpose that it sounds cool,just want to experience something different and this time i am going with my cam.

the movie precious

Once in a while watch some good movie. I watched "Precious" this afternoon,not as good as my last watch "The Artist" but makes me realize how important it is to have the will to keep my head above water all the time. Be happy and thankful for what you have. And better things are sure to follow. And one more thing that the movie made me think a lot about is our need to be loved by someone ! Every girl, accept it or not, has a dream to be loved by someone like a princess. Every girl has dreamt of being a movie star,a pop singer or a fairy tale cinderella at some or other time in her life. Don't deny anyone this right..the right to be loved. The physical form is such a shallow parameter of defining who is beautiful and who is not. Be kind,be loving.

kal ke andhero se nikal ke

dekha hai aanke malte malte

phool hi phool zindagi bahar hai

tae kr liyaa aa aa aaaa

Aj fir jeene ki tamanna hai

aj fir marne ka irada hai

On my way back from gym the song inadvertently brought to the surface something that could not be explained in mere words. A caged soul can still think of flying...and who knows when the wish turns to will and the will to reality !

जुर्रते-इंसान पे तो तादीब के पहरे रहे 

फितरते-इंसान को कब ज़ंजीर पहनाई गयी !

(जुर्रते-इंसान : man's will to carry out actions

तादीब : discipline,law

फितरते-इंसान : man's nature,thoughts)

Vulnerable...are you ?

Come on yarr..you know you are so vulnerable sometimes : a friend of mine told this to me today and i had been thinking about it ever since. So is that,supposed to be like a major flaw in me ? Is there something really really wrong in being vulnerable. I googled it and wikipedia defines being vulnerable as 'open to system flaws' ! Whatever does that mean ? really ? May be it means by being vulnerable you are more subjected to emotional blows by 'attacker' (quoting Wikipedia). I find all of that stupid.

What it means in effect is that being vulnerable makes you more sensitive about people. And -that- sadly is considered a negative trait of character...a flaw ! So how then am i suppose to make any new relationships if i am not vulnerable! How am i suppose to open upto someone,understand him/her,feel what they are facing and connect with them ! If you are not vulnerable you fail to do this all...and much much more. being vulnerable doesn't at all means being needy. I am vulnerable. I don't go around begging for people's attention,time or affection. But neither am i immune to affection of a friend. I receive and reciprocate.

Vulnerability can be attractive too. Consider a scenario,why are we attracted to certain faces and not so much to others ! On one hand a face might be beautiful...lovely...flawless in all respects but you fail to connect and sometimes simplest of a face can capture you in a split second and could throw you completely off-guard. If you are fond of photography you might be able to appreciate what i am talking about. An artist likewise if not vulnerable fails to perform and bring through what he/she is playing. You need to pass that through your heart's flesh to make it look believable on your face.

Vulnerability is a rare virtue. It makes you authentic,makes you attractive. It, like innocence has to be kept untouched,unblemished within ourselves. If you have it,protect it,for this is something that makes you special..different from others. Remember what George Valentin says to Peppy Miller 'You have to be different from them'. And yes different we are. Ofcourse we are handed more than our fair share of heartaches that way,but this ladies is just a small prize to pay for a full and enriched life.

The Artist

Must watch scene :)

P.s If you hadn't yet, just watch the movie for this amazing dressing room scene :) 

This Is Your Life. Do What You Love, And Do It Often.

 By far the most amazing piece of typography i had seen till date. Very inspirational.

Semantics of a male-female relationship

If we march into the world with a yard-stick to measure relationships,probably everyone would fail,that's a safe assumption i am making here.

Even the oldest,earnest and the most glorious of love stories would fall short. That's how delicate is the balance between a male-female relationship. Anyways i find the term relationship to be quite heavy,burdened even; so i prefer to use the term 'Companionship'.

So what is it that makes it work sometimes,and at times,totally not! From all that i have seen,what i have learnt is it's not just the action-reaction process but the most leverage goes to a certain something called the 'Expectations'. Yes the expectations that we harbor from the other person,and if overladen could drive the last nail in the coffin. That's what makes it work or fail,the fine balance between what is expected and what is received.

To make it clear i am not talking about the expectations in terms of materialistic goods neither the luxury nor the lavish lifestyle;they all are too shallow in this context to even consider. What i am talking about is need of time,need of space,need of being and standing for each other,time and again. One of us expects time,the other one has a tight schedule...unfulfilled expectations..leads to disappointment...and a love that could have soared high in the skies never even takes the flight.

At the risk of sounding feminist (which i am not in this particular context) i would say that more often than not,it is the female partner in a relationship that makes all the compromises. Why it is always expected that from us,is out of my mind. Husbands can be busy with their jobs,can be bad tempered because of traffic,ever tired to look after kids or lousy enough to do household chores.,if he is not there for his spouse he has a million of 'valid' excuses,handy. But the same is not true for wives,who are expected to be present for their spouse or family,without fail. If not,they fall short of the social yard stick and hence are branded no-good. I guess that's how girls are bred in India,to be considerate regarding everyone else's needs except that of their own.

For how much longer do we have to carry the burden of our ever-pleasing attitude! Can't we just for once stomp down our feet and say that enough is enough. For once i want to be stubborn,i want to be demanding. I want to be selfish and command love,respect,time and care. I do not find anything bad in that. I hope i get a partner who understands atleast this much that how crucial it is for him to balance his own part of the act in this companionship. And if our social structure thinks less of women that think this way then,well it has to be changed for the good. If not the-devil-may-care-policy always rocks :)

The Way You Make Me Feel...

" (shrieky) O My God i am telling ya al he's just the perfect p..e..r..f..e..c...t guy....the awesom...e...s...t one ! Finding him is like finding Jimmy Choo of shoes,Bourke of bags or YSL of perfumes" or as the lesser brand concious innocuous females would compare as to finding the perfect fitting pair of jeans or may b the tastiest ice-cream flavor!

That's how it feels to meet him- 'The Perfect Guy'.....You just know it's 'him' ! Like this....(snap)...de pronto. That's how we girls had always been. We have an extra sense of organ to spot 'em. The sixth sense or instinct or call what you may. But that's the primordial way. I once found myself asking one of my classmates as to what made her say yes to this guy whom she had just met,arranged by her family,and she simply replied 'it clicked'. I went in my mind xcuse me..umm....whhhat...it did ! Then that rests my case ! Something must be awfully wrong with my clickers or whatever it is that supposed to be guiding me and stuff.(Congrats to her,she is happily married now, FYI)

What the hell..i blame it all upon(and do so comfortably) my clickers,sniffers,pickers,antennae whatever it is that's supposed to pick up the right signals. They sure have gone all haywired and a l...o....t mistuned,guiding me to all the wrong places and people...damn them. Well with age i have learnt to 'sense' my senses ! I read 'em now so much better! And the answer is i do the exact opposite of what they tell me to. Screw them,i ain't falling for your shit anymore H..A...in your face. So much for my feminine instincts! And that's how i just ignore,suppress,strangle,and pin down any feelings whatsoever for any guy now. While it's all hair-pulling madness on our planet it's a piece of cake in Mars'ville for the 'unfair' sex (pun intended).

Damn easy for the guys...they just fool themselves into believing that they are in love. Guys just pick up random things of which the list is quite short-lived,mostly it is the good body(by which we all know what i mean), some candid ones pick up lovely smile,or dovey eyes, or naive laughter, or may be long hair or whatever god damned thing they are fascinated with. My point here,they just play this game of make-believe that they are in for love for life. Not so much with girls though, the process takes time for us. It takes time to build up and similarly,it does take time to wrap it up for us.

But what seals the deal is actually how the person makes you feel. Not taking the risk of talking for anyone else but for me the whole game is of the way he makes me 'feel' ! There comes a point in life when it doesn't matter how much he earns,what brands he wears,how cool,sassy or metrosexual he is. A simple guy,without even an ounce of air could do the trick. He just has to make 'you' feel to be wanting to be with him,around him for every single day of the rest of your life. Not everyday one meets a guy like that. Not everyday does a girl feel that way about a guy. Not everyday does a girl stand in front of a guy and tells him "I am just a girl..standing in front of a boy asking him to love her".

p.s Sorry for taking the ending from Notting Hill,but that's what i suppose is the only thing a girl really ever wants.

Inward Blooming

As you grow older and hopefully more vigilant you start seeing life for what it is....sum total of all phases. And certain events makes this realization very tangible. One of those events was 3 days back..my sister's marriage. So as she was entering a new era in her life with a wonderfully cool person as her life partner,it made me realize my own little phase that i was entering too.

The phase where i had become a nonchalant version of me. If at all i could name this phase i would call it the 'Inward Blooming'. Not many people could understand the sense of calm or the reason behind it. According to so many people(and from time to time me too) i don't have any reason to be happy. But here i am...still happy. When we as 'being' become happy with ourselves we complete ourselves in a cosmic way and it is then that we actually find out our path,i believe.

If it's destiny or our own choices that decides the course of our lives,i am not sure,but what i am pretty sure about is that it is only me who decides if i am happy or not. There would always be reasons to be not happy,to be dissatisfied,to be bitter,to be longing for things that we don't own and our friends do...but there's only one person in the world who could keep you happy.

Last night while reading through some blogs i came across rumi's poetry and one particularly mesmerized me so much,it read

'Be like melted snow- wash yourself of yourself'

How beautifully it's been put together. Unless we become one, we would never be able to cleanse ourselves and without that the grime on us would never let us see and appreciate the real beauty of the world around us. That's what i try to do from time to time,spending time reading something good washes me of all the dirt and makes me look world in a whole different light.

My sister's wedding made me realize how vital our family and friends are for us and how trivial are things that we value so much. As long as we have a handful of people who are there to pick us up when we fall or trip nothing else matters. The things we own,that we toil to own are just miry clay that sinks us deeper n deeper into the swamp of greed.

Another thing that i learned is that there is no one right way to look at a thing. Though i am way less judging now than ever before,still i was explicitly reminded of this fact yet again. What is wrong,who is wrong how can we say that and moreover who gave us the power to say that! That is one single most largest impact that inward blooming has we see more of us and less of everybody else.

With time we learn to pay as little attention as possible to what people say or think about us,all that matters is if i know i am in right light. And from that knowledge blooms up a little lotus in the miry pool of heart.

Meet na mila re man ka..

Driving to work with this song on FM>could anything put the turmoil into words in a better way than this kishore kumar number ! R..e....ally doubt it!

That prodded me to think how many of us has someone in their lives with whom they can 'connect' just like that #snap# Ok! We all have family,friends,life partners even, but what about a soulmate ! Or is that word a myth !

That's what this song is all about.Beautifully woven. It's not overtly melancholic,not sung as some sad,anguished lover's plea but rather it just states that he didn't find the one that his heart wishes for or even longs for ! I wonder haven't we all been there ! All of us have felt those pangs for the want of someone who would understand us as far as the words could go...and then even a step further.

It's said that through eyes we could see the beauty of soul. But where then lies those bifocals that are custom made to see the beauty of mine ! I for one,am articulatively challenged,many a times i find myself saying one thing,all the while meaning to say something totally different. I fear that way the only person that could get to know and love me would be my shrink ! :P

By this time drumming my fingers on the steering wheel and nodding my head along with the song,murmuring 'You totally get me baby' , i was soaked completely in the beauty of this simple song,so apt for me in that moment,but behold the croons of a hopeful heart when it sings: "Roz mae apne hi pyaar ko samjhau......wo nahi ayega..maan nahi pau" and that's the point when i mentally kick all mushy bollywood flicks and extravagantly romantic songs for making my heart flutter when it just wants to stop doing that.

I wish,hope and pray for me as well as for the innumerable people i watch daily around me. I look into their eyes and i see someone trapped there inside,just waiting to be freed. I wish i could have done that in any way for them,but i can't even if i want to. For it's not me that holds the key to the entrapments of their heart.

it's a disease..this hope in our Heart

Like a disease

it consumes

It spreads inside you

to each tiny little cell

It takes up your mind

body and soul

holds it captive

refuses to let go

It wakes you up

in sunny mornings

with a glow

in your heart

You see a bright lovely face

in the bathroom mirror

Hopeful sleepy eyes

that wish for things better

Deceitful symptoms

and ghastly results

I tell you,it has

because it is a disease

deadlier than others

that spreads beneath the skin

takes hold of your being

It is a disease..this hope in our Heart

Immolation

There comes a time in our lives,when everything on the out seems a little too cluttered but even then nothing seems 'enough' on the inside.

Looking inside my heart i find so many people,so many memories stuffed up in there, that filling it with other new things could cause a massive spillage.I want to have so many new experiences, paradoxically it feels as if i have just started my life! As if the air has but caressed the inside of my lungs for the very first time,like the blood has just a moment ago lovingly brushed past my veins,But those shitty laws of physics return to screw you and it seems u have to empty everything in order to make place to fill it with something new.Sometimes it becomes mandatory to leave even that one bird in the hand and stand at the end of the cliff and spread out hands and welcome whatever new that life wants to bring into our arms.

But how i wish i could empty my heart of all the things of past,present and seemingly of the thoughts of the future too,very similar to how i empty my purse to clean it up.Tel me how to take out one's heart,zip it open and flip it on the bed and shake all it's contents out! Wish i could reach deep in it's gorges, put my hand in and scoop out everything that has been lying or hiding there for ages..pain,grief,agony,gut wrenching fear of losing a loved one and times of sob-till-you-sleep...all gone.Just be done with all the stuff and make place for all things new,fresh and yet to be found.

Looking around in my room now,there are so many things that i see, that my mind even finds it difficult to register each one of them! And yet how many of these things do i actually need to live! Do i need to have that pretty lampshade by my bed side! I doubt it, because i mostly work in tubelight.Do i need those cute little cusions on my bed! Doubt it again because two pillows are all that i need.Call me drab and boring but i hate beautifying my surroundings or myself. Hell where is the time when i can write and read and paint and experience so much stuff! I by nature do not notice very many things,may be because how things look doesn't matter much to me,if they solve the purpose of them being there,it's enough.Ditto for people how they look doesn't matter a wee bit,but how they make me feel is all that counts.

At a wedding function tonight my mom talked about a certain girl who has 'bagged' a hot-shot.She pointed out to me that how she has 'managed' to catch a pick whose family owns factories in belgium and they supposedly have their own chartered plane too.While i found the couple cool,well groomed,nice-to-chat-to,typical metrosexual type, she went on about all their 'richy-rich' ways of flying from bombay to kota with three house-help's and all,while i was busy gorging some hot moong ki daal ka halwa and treating myself to the live music being played. I think i quite made a fool of myself as i was the only person sitting and listening to them play lovely hindi instrumentals.That moment was like the rain parching my soul that's deprived of any titillating live music performances in this small town of mine.(The musicians who looked every bit like the cool college going guys for whom music is a way of life but have to play for some cash in hand,looked my way smiling once in a while when i bobbed my head to their music and nodded my approval everytime the violinist soared brilliantly through a piece of music)But excuse me, who needs a chartered plane and tons of cash when u have piping hot halwa and can listen to some beautiful violen in cool january breeze!

Coming back to the topic,driving my way back i found myself thinking about that movie 'Into The Wild' and there was this sudden moment of epiphany when i realized why the protagonist being a Harvard graduate,and a potential Law student, donates his college fund of 25000$ burns his cash and leaves for alaska ! it's because the more we have,the more we would crave for,and the less we have,the less we would need.

If there could have been an easier way of doing that,i would have done it by now. Like emptying the room and then keeping only that which is needed. Sometimes i feel that it could be done,when i see a painting i feel how there have been some angry strokes that actually have been slashed away there with a hope that by doing so the heart would be ripped of it's useless filthy layer(the beautiful,vibrant canvas then becomes a trash can for the artist's heart). When i see some pictures, like the one that i am posting in this blog, is another representation of destroying the existing ever-knowing ourselves to give place to a new heart to be born..that could hold a new thought..that could nurture within itself a new idea..a new love.

Mind your language Mister

I am Fat.

And i am not ashamed of it,not any more. My friends might call me 'Cute Fat' 'Puppy Fat' or 'Pretty Plump' but its ok i know that's only to keep my heart! I have no idea though why and how could i have ever been ashamed of it in the first place !

Atlast i have decided that 2 things have to be done now:

1.Stop feeling as if i am second to anyone

2.Give some of the shitty people a piece of my mind

What's with the Indians and the flab anyway! I mean it's another thing being obese and hence at risk to health issues,there too i try and keep me fit as much as i can,but it's totally another thing to let people laugh at your expense ! C'mmon guys its outright repulsive.

I might be so much better than you in so many other things but i don't go about rubbing that in your face ! So why should you ?

And then again how does being a few kilos lighter makes you any better !!!

I consider myself pretty. I look good as and when i want to. I can dress up for the occasions too! And get handful of compliments too, in spite of having a tyre or two!

I am sick and tired of parents feeding this bullshit to their daughters right from the childhood that if they get plumpy they would turn into laughing stock for people and that it would be difficult to find a suitable match for her later. What loads of CRAP! How does my finding my soulmate relate to my Body-fat! If and when i come across such apprehensive parents i just advice them not to ridicule their kid but instead encourage them to participate in certain activities like swimming,sports,dance or anything that would help the child become physically fit and would also contribute to personality development that helps boost up confidence and self-respect.

Speaking of families i am also sick of husbands who do not respect their wives and sneer at them and are too insensitive about her feelings.Damn those two-faced bastards,you expect your wives to take care of kids,keep your house clean and serve you hot meals then why can't you be a little appreciative of all the efforts she puts in for you! In return of all her love and care at least be a little kind to her! Is that too much to ask from your oh-so-fucked up-fat-ego!

And please please it is so revolting to see physical humor and mockery on tv and in movies! Our generation is well aware of all those 'tuntun jokes'! But just grow up and beyond these guys.My proud moment was seeing 'The Dirty Picture' and a proud,blunt,curvy and sensuous vidya balan with her devil-may-care attitude flaunting her ample figure on screen :) Bud did we take home anything more than that!We just whistled and got an eyeful of vidya on big screen!

Why does our being plump,bald or dark place us at the receiving end of these butt jokes!

I stopped using fairness creams 10 years back! I don't think being fair increases my chance of being a better person! Rather it's more important to be kind and respect others for their work and attitude.Being beautiful has got nothing to do with curvy figure,fair skin or stylish hair

Being fat does not make us cripple or handicap,it just means that we are facing certain health issues that you are lucky enough to not confront! Infact i find that sneering crowd emotionally challenged! Right from the uncle-auntys who give me strange looks while jogging in the park to anybody who thinks he can laugh at my expense and get away with it!

I am not uptight,i have fun with my friends over my 'weighty' issues :P With my family i manage a laugh everytime with some silly remarks on myself,but again it's just with them! Mister if you are not my family or my friend then behave yourselves and mind your words.

Because i am ready to fight back.

Oh those 20 something "Writers" !!

Off late wherever i go on internet or social network i find a swarming crowd of young fellows in their twenties promoting their own books ! If u spend as much time surfing the net as me in search of some good reads you certainly know what i mean !

At first i was so impressed by these bunch of youngsters who were there, producing their own books,at the age when i used to be attending my boring college lectures and was sucked up in petty hostel politics.

So.. eager to find out what in the world were these young chaps writing about,i ended up ordering 3 books from some random authors through flipkart !

I was happy and curious when the package arrived(in just two days!That's a commendable job,by the way) much like when we used to get our new set of books in school days. opened the packet and voila 3 new shiny books ! But the happiness was short-lived..very short indeed.Not only was the writing amateurish,with sprinkling of some fancy words,picked up directly from a thesaurus but also the subject matter of all these books seemed to be exactly the same ! A school or college romance with showers of puppy-love and myriads routine problems that were made up to sound like apocalyptic in nature. C'mmon guys we all had the same romances ! and the tough times too but i never thought that it could be written down as a 'complete' book !

I feel cheated and robbed,shelling out that amount of money for these books ! Also i am stuck up with some useless blogs now that i had 'followed' back then and have no idea how to 'stop-following' them now ! Any case i would be waiting for a good read from any of these young fellows soon. But yes not everyone can be an Anne Frank.

Silly Me

One thing that i have no idea about is: How to fit into female talks.

I am not using the term 'girly' in here because i mean all kinds of talks that females of varying age indulge in. I don't see myself fitting in any one of those !

I have outgrown girls who are bothered about just boys or their display pics a long back,so i skip talking about them.Starting from my own age i have no interest in continuous ramblings about newer and brighter avenues of shopping in town,or hip coffee joints.

Worse kind of group of girls who are recently engaged or soon to be married,they don't have anything better to talk about than where to get best price for silk brocades or the best designs for saree blouses.These kinds bore me to death and i find them highly repulsive or as my brother likes to call "toxic"

Next come the recently married kinds, who keep on continuously posting their pics from "honeymooning in Goa" with all the snapshots of short floral dresses n even skimpier shorts,and you don't need to look harder to get a snapshot of a little more than that too! And mind you,they don't even miss a single comment on any of their pictures and would religiously reply to each and every one of them,as if not doing that is crime punishable by law.

And last but not the least our very own mummy-talks,where there is a set of complaint for every genre ranging from milkman to gardener to maids and even one set for daddy dears.

Yes it's true i find myself not gelling well in any of these places. And have no clue as to where to go.

What is Wrong

My life is easy,simple,straight and boring.

Morning at gym

aunty no1: hey hai..u lukin so cute in this pink tee !

me: (stifling a yawn) o'thanks,it's an old one

aunty no2: hey did u lose some weight or not ?

me: umm...i guess i did

aunty no2: (least bothered in my reply) hey u know i just lost 700gm in 3 days :( God i am so upset !

me:(luking at aunty no2 because it seems hard to find out where from she had managed to lose those 700gm ! she looks as in shape as JLo to me !)

aunty no1: (seething with jealousy) really chetna ! Now did you !

me: grabbing this golden opportunity and making a run for my treadmill with my headphones secure.

Later in the morning at hospital

same old routine repeating itself day in and day out

A tooth decay comes into my cabin

A tooth decay is filled in and sent out

pyorrhea comes into my cabin

pyorrhea gets cleaned and go out

Texts from friends

Hey mandy how are you,where are you buddy ? long time no see ! u know i went to bombay last week,had a blast yarr,check out my pics on facebook na,see my blue floral dress too

(hmm....i delete the texts,dont bother replyin,dont bother with cute comments on fb too)

Login on FB

some of the status's make me vomit

" having a blasting time with mishu,rishu,janvi and darling hubby in Kashmir :):) "

" Going to cook dinner for my mommy"

"at movies with friends"

"had an awesome time with friends in XYZ mall..guyzzzz i miss u so much muuuaaaahhhh loveee youuuu hugssss to all <3<3"

pffeeeww i am sick and tired of all this ! Where have all the interesting people vanished from the face of planet Earth ! A few days back a beautiful painting that i had posted on my wall was sneered at,when i write about books,my friends ask me if i am planning to quit dentistry and become "arundhati roy" . Have no will or strength to argue with them. I just smile and think :

What is wrong in wanting different and new from life every day !

Kiss my A**

I am a non-impervious being,my state of mind reflects in me..completely and totally.And i hate that.

I tend to people's teeth,even if you consider it of minimal importance,but i do work 'on' them,how am i supposed to do my job with a broken heart ! Certain days i don't even like to talk to anybody and even slightest contact with human race seems irksome,i have no idea what the hell i am grieving for ! Something that i never possessed !

I hate myself for falling prey to someone's sweet talk. They think very clever and witty of themselves,talking to girls and making us believe that they mean it all ! To hell with them all ! No mister it's not a matter of winning ! We are not trophies to be won and displayed for the world to see. We like you, are hominids too ! With our only fault being, that we believed it when you said "Trust me,i wont break your heart". So where are you now ? what ? So much for not breaking my heart ! I cant even find all the pieces for now ! People please if you may just move your feet,so that i could find pieces of my dear broken heart,careful don't trample on one of it,lest i lose it forever..