Summer Diary

There is something so damn courageous about this picture !

The will to live and the resultant fight....the fight emerging as an offshoot of a sown seed,the first step taken....that is very important. Then as we grow up what happens ?

Why do we grow up to be this tight-assed living,brooding,walking masses of shit ! Being away from monotonous rhythms of life i have discovered that it is ok for traffic to be bad and it is inevitable to find some people to be selfish or i would rather say materialistic, as long as our own little sphere of existence is devoid of things that we so much despise in others.

Simple things such as driving patiently behind a man pushing his cart (which obviously is too darn loaded for his poverty laden petite frame) instead of honking horns incessantly gives my heart a warm feeling of being able to empathise with him. For every thing that i find wrong and unjust i find a thing that shows me it is the same good world of our Lord.

Swimming is keeping me sane nowadays. For an odd hour or so i enter a different world. A world of waves and not worries. A world where i in some pragmatic way realize that all that we need to live has already been provided to us. We have clothed ourselves so heavily and unnecessarily with desires that on some level we have utterly forgotten the pure bliss of being naked. That i say metaphorically ofcourse.

Even after working for many years i dont have a substantial bank balance. And what little i have,i am very soon gonna give that away too. I earn,and spend hardly 20% on me and give away the rest. I have seen this curbs my desire to have more. As for tomorrow i dont know,but i believe i will be provided with whatever i need in my life.

Love is a need too,not a luxury. It will come too,when it's destined to. Untill then i am filling up my voids by numerous stuff. Reading is an absolute essential amongst them. My daddyji(nanaji) had a fruitful life owed to his habit of reading. Hope to make mine like his too. Feel sad for folks who havent yet discovered it. Like an old uncle in my neighbourhood. With no wife and no friends of his age and his mind getting blunt with each passing day, i frequently find him loitering around all day. Watering plants,moving things from a pointA to pointB and scratching his leathery behind. Sad. Wish i could tell him to sit and read with all the good time he has.

Happy for days. They are not over the top ecstatic neither are they flogging molly types. They are just calm,brisk and freakishly hot summer days. :) Kinda good. While swimming in the morning today i felt some beautiful words by Sahir Ludhianvi floating with me too,just penning it down here

मुझको कहने दो कि मै आज भी जी सकता हू 

इश्क नाकाम सही, ज़िन्दगी नाकाम नहीं 

उन्हें अपनाने की ख्वाहिश, उन्हें पाने की तलब 

शौके-बेकार सही साईं-ए-गम-अंजाम नहीं 

शौके-बेकार - useless hobby

साईं-ए-गम-अंजाम- painful punishment

No Caption

I hold it true,watever befall
i feel it when i sorrow most
it's better to have loved and lost
than never to have loved at all.

I have never seemed to make my peace with Alfred Tennyson for saying this. Whenever i am sad,lonely and in sorrow i resent this man the most for saying this. I dont know much about his life,as never found any need to google him,but i guess the only reason he could have said something like this is that probably he never loved and lost anything or anyone in his life. Lucky Bas****.

It hurts. It does. To remember someone as 'oh was he at one time such a huge part of my life !' It does hurt a lot to imagine someone as long lost part of our 'then lives'. Like we had left behind a limb,gangrenous and decayed,cut off from our body,but which once was very much a living, breathing, circulating, defecating part of us.  Friends left behind and long forgotten either by fault or fate and when you look back and 'see' those are the parts of life that are focused by some god damned headlight atop that cruelly shows them in the most vivid colors and hue.

It hurts to realize that where once didn't exist even an inch of space had emerged a gorge and no-one on the either side of that gorge has the faintest idea of how to fill it or even make a bridge on it. No it isn't ego,it isn't and can never be a thing as small tiny and measley as this. It is the time. And something else that eludes me dastardly for it is a pain to be able to talk to a friend and remember how warm the friendship was once ! Those are the toughest kinds of break-ups.

Read it...ul know

I am not scared of my feelings. I am not scared of feeling sad. Neither i am scared of feeling angry nor aggrieved. I can even hold myself feeling regret. What i am scared of is getting up one day and feeling nothing at all.

I am scared of turning into this dispassionate person that is cold and stiff hearted. I am passionate about writing and reading i absolutely love ! But then what else i love ! Or rather whom i love ! I dont want to end up being this crazy person with total lack of ability to love or care for others....aargh obnoxious. Reason(my guess) that i end up receiving so much less than what i actually give. Sounds selfish. About right,but i cant barricade expectations from creeping up into me. I expect something in return for all the time and heart i invested into a relationship. (At the risk of sounding immature and un-idealistic,this is what i honestly feel like now and so i will write as it is)

Egos can be so dangerous. Bruised egos even more so. Why cant we just keep our egos aside and accept that we are needy people. We are needy people in a crowded world. We need someone to call our own. To confide in. Amongst platoons of doubts we introduce someone into our world,a close friend perhaps! We let them into our tiny secret world. Let them have a sneak peek into all our dark dirty little secrets,our sufferings,our insecurities,our worries,we make them a walking partner in all of it and share our silly jokes with them (for eg 'You know china's prime minister is Li Hui' ) Who in their sane minds would laugh themselves sick on a silly joke like this ! Only friends right ! :)

And then they are gone,it's all over. there goes your castle of cards. It feels horrible you know. You end up thinking 'was all that for waste' ? Wasn't there anything strong to hold that up ? If you were wrong for once you didn't have courage to keep aside your ego and come and reconcile with me ? Dont i matter anything to your life ? Am i so worthless that it isn't hard for you to lose me....a friend !

Thoughts of a commode

If anyone had cared enough to ask me how i am feeling right now, my answer would have been-akin to a flushing commode. Actually a 'clogged' flushing commode,or anything if it could be even worse than that. Because though everything is whirling inside me,nothing is going anywhere ! 

I know i havent been writing much but i believe it's just lack of inspiration. I mean what could a person who does nothing more all day than to mercilessly murder away time at home write about ! I dont have much contact with homo sapiens nowadays all i do is to lazy up my bums at home and watch re-runs of 'The Big Bang Theory' which seems to be the only thing that makes me smile. Watching a bunch of geeks fooling around gives me immense pleasure, pleasure as compared to none (sigh...sad).

Now and then i lift up my laptop and plan to write down something but the thoughts are just so diffuse and non-coherent i have no idea how to gel them together ! One moment i would be feeling melancholy and find myself listening to coke studio sufi style and the other moment i would feel so disconnected with everything that i would nastily switch off my phone and thus any possibility of a human contact. Which is the case at the moment too. At other times i feel like a beggar,a poor starved beggar,begging for love and attention at every possible doorstep(sounds pathetic o yea) and then with sudden electric ease i would transfigure to this confident kick-ass me ! 

A tree in my house is bearing these beautiful summer'y yellow flowers ! They are the only sight that my eyes love to watch offlate. I have been meaning to photograph it,but my heart just finds it so difficult to lay its hands on my mind and shake it out of its lull. Some other day maybe. For now i will present to you with some ideas from my seemingly flushing but clogged commode :

1. There is no feeling in this world more sickly than to be demanding love from our very own people. Why should there be a need for us to ask any care/attention from our own friends !!! They are our friends right ! They know it well that we need their hand,we need their heart,we need 'them' ! Do i need to be begging for it ? Is there any need for me to assure and reassure them constantly of their worth ? Similarly i have discovered that our parents need the same ! Our siblings too ! And i plan to make these things right. As much as i can manage to.

2. I am not being grateful enough ! There it is i have said it ! Yes i am not. And so i confess it now and plan diligently to be grateful in each and every thing. I am grateful to my dad that he specially went to market and bought fruits for me. I didnt say this to him half hour back but i guess i should have. Grateful to my mom she makes everything so comfortable for me here. My sister for giving me undeserved respect,my brother for keeping me in his mind always,my patients for giving me an opportunity to treat them. And then most of all to the Lord because He has already given to me all that i need.

3. What would you be rather be : Really happy or 'pretend' to be happy ! I have seen people putting up this facade that they are happy when actually they are not. I want to be 'happy' i mean i actually want to be 'joyful' i dont need to show it to people. I dont want to affirm this fact with them.

4. I wish i had a pet. Mum wouldnt allow me probably but nevertheless some day i am so gonna ask her for it. :)

5.I want everybody to be happy,even the people who dont love me or care two hoots about me. Even those who dont have time for me and even when i dont hold any place of importance in their lives i wish that all their dreams come true.

Goldfish in a pond

"And they say Goldfish have no memory/i guess their lives are much like mine/and the little plastic castle/is a surprise every time..."

Was reading an article by Yashar and could think of nothing else but these lines from ani Difrnaco's song. Would just write a few words about it. So would it be good or bad to not have any memory to cal our own ? It would be difficult because we may find ourselves committing the same mistakes over n over again ! It would be like we wudnt have learnt anything from our past mistakes ! Hurting and getting hurt in return repeatedly,falling for the same type of people and finding ourselves cornered against the wall...at the same spot ! We would have never had an opportunity to learn from our mistakes !

But on the other hand sometimes just like a gold fish i want to forget everything that has ever hurt me. I just want to erase the memories of the past and get over with the pain. Then may be every new day will be like the plastic castle  for the gold fish,that forgets every 3 sec (which is actually a long believed myth). Every time the goldfish circles the pond and enters the castle it is surprised to find it there,and finds it all new ! May be she gets excited ! Exploring a new place,embarking on an adventurous journey. I want to be amazed by the rising early morning sun,i want to be awestruck by the beauty of snow capped mountains ! I want to feel every rain drop as the first drop that had fallen on me,i want to be moved again and again and again by the beauty of the flowers,no matter how many times i had seen them. I want to drown in the beauty of my favorite song just as i did when i heard it for the very first time. I want to feel the rich bloom of love,with the same innocence that i had years back,sans all the fear and insecurities. I want to forget that a million things could go on wrong with  life and just believe that as marvellous is this morning with the tiny colourful flowers on my patio,same way would be my life too.

When you feel dis-con-nec-ted

Feeling dis-con-nec-ted

and living those oh-so-similar days

But the rains are new

the flowers are here too

......then why is there the same weather in me !

Go on ma chere dance in the rain

wash yourself a-new

o'w...a....i....t

Did you 'hear' the flower blooming !

did you 'see' the cool breeze !

......and nearby some-whe-re

did you feel a butterfly emerging !

Note: i start writing feeling all lonely and end up finding some hope on the way to the end......that invariably happens to me. So that notion about 'hearing' the flower blooming and 'seeing' the breeze were all about heightened senses which you all must have experienced when you feel you are on the brink of an amazing discovery or something. I just wanted to convey the anxiety and the idea of stepping onto something lovely...very soon,hence the single quotes,because they aren't real !

But then why did i not single quote the (feel) in metamorphosis ! You people have the guess.

वो रात बुझा दो..मेरा वो सामान लौटा दो

Ever looked back and wondered what happened ! It's true life is a sum up of all the events,mishap and happy events. As much as are the joyous moments and the accomplishments part of our lives,so are the places where we failed,where we didn't score and where we terribly fell flat on our faces. Yes they do shape us,they have formed us as we are today. Without an ounce of doubt i believe that i wouldn't have been the same person that i am today if not for every single moment that shaped me up so.

But nevertheless that is life wasted,spent for nothing and for no-one. If that happens on accord of something that wasn't in our hands like losing a loved one it's ok we learn to deal with it,sooner or later. But if that happens when it could have been well avoided ! It gnaws at us,every now and then. We keep thinking what if i hadn't done this,what if i had chosen a different path back then. Would my life had been any better or merrier now ! And there's no end to this wonderment. We do make out of the maze,everybody does eventually. But what's left behind is the pain and a basket-full of shell of promises that once seemed so true you could bet your life over them. A big pile of memories,part of your life that once you were so sure of,just like we never doubt the coming of tomorrow morning,the very same life feels so far-off and ghostly today. It's even hard to fathom that you had once lived that life,that those moments were once alive and breathing.

We always stand back,find our step and cut out a path for us. But who is gonna give me back those years,that time,m..y...life ! Anger wanes off soon,and slowly and gradually you bid adieu to even the grief and then with lots of hard shoving you close the door behind the remorse. But then what remains are the tiny shards of questions to be dealt with. They just hang there..in the air,forever.Who will give me back my time ! I don't expect anything else,no reasons,no apologies,no remedies even...just a silent plea on my lips to return me back everything that once was mine...and that i had trusted to be taken care. And that wasn't.

Black Hole

Haven't written anything in a long while,not that i dont have time ! Have so much of time at hand,never had this much before :) but just that i dont have anything to write on ! Finally i am a guy ! I am thinking about absolutely nothing :) and though i find it guilty because i am not reading or writing or doing anything worthwhile,i kind of am enjoying this state of being nowhere and doing nothing. Life is easy,work is light,and heart is at rest...for now. I seem to write only when i am in some kind of turmoil and dont find a suitable channel to diverge it.

i am happy just watching movies,day in and day out. Well just watched Capote couple of days back. It was like watching a series of beautiful photographs. Brilliant camera work or art photography they call it i guess,but nothing amazed me more than the interplay of light and the dark ! So much so that sometimes appreciating the canvas in front of me,i almost missed on the dialogues ! Love Philip Seymour Hoffman for how his voice modulation for the film. He has such a manly voice ! A voice that i could die for,to romance :) and was surprised to find him all squeaky for Capote !

sorry,not a good one here;but the work in movie was brilliant

Well that done i am captivated by lights nowadays. I appreciate pictures that play with light,more so that tease with light ! Like this one :

Or sometimes i would like totally abstract work by some genius,which is a little not too conservative but yes is tastefully done,like this :

I dont know i like so many different kind of things nowadays. Things that i loved to do just a fortnight ago had lost my attention and i tend to skip on to newer stuff faster than a mouse on fire. Well for now it's just that eating,sleeping,light working and watching movies. Being a complete sloth and just wishfully hoping my mum wouldn't notice that i am busy doing nothing :) for now.

The same way that i live.

For quite some time now,i had been living my life mindlessly. I just get up,do my job,finish my day,have my dinner,and got to bed. No goals,no aims,no expectations,no nothing. And frankly i am tired and sickened by all this. It's a fight almost daily, a fight to keep down the negative thoughts and to keep myself afloat even in all this muck. It takes a huge amount of effort to keep me just 'alive' from one day to another.

I remember the day when a professor was taking the class on "Ventilators and artificial respiration" back in college. She said "ventilators breathe for those who cannot breathe for themselves". And i thought to myself yeah that does some hell of a job ! I smirked. How i wish i had a ventilator right now. Because i sure am in no mood to even breathe. That does sound miserable, i know. But for once i want to beat down my never-dying-optimism and want to accept that i am sad when i am sad. If that makes me sound less impressive to people ! So it be then,i am a human too. I have all the right and privilege in this world to feel sad or miserable and to cry out loud when i want to.

One of my facebook friends posted a status about ants always stopping by to talk to each other even when they are busy. It's the only thing that i read today in all day. The ants actually are talking they are communicating through chemical signals,telling each other about food or danger or some other stuff relevant in antsville i guess. They are much more lucky than i am,i bet. Atleast someone talks to them. So much for friends. While on the topic of friends,i don't talk to many people.As it is i have a very few friends. Actually just a couple,with them i really talk my heart out. One of them is pregnant,and i don't want her child to grow up listening to my woes in her womb,so stopped minding her with my never-ending-misery. Good thing that she rarely reads my blog. Another friend of mine is too busy with his business and some other stuff that i am not sure about. He finds me too repetitive and to quote him "my thoughts have completely broken down and are dilapidated".

So that's it. What would you do if you are judged by your friends? I know i am not perfect,but i sure was at your side when you needed me,so am i asking too much for you to be there for me !  Divide your worries and they lessen,but whom to divide with ? What would you do if you have nowhere else to go,and even your friends think you are too much of a burden for them to mind and to handle ! I just write,and i write mindlessly...the same way that i live.

Persistent Yearning

Take those steps
small and faltering they may seem now....without any fruits of effort. But they would reap...one day they would.
Why should anybody sit and wait for life to tune up things for them ! Lets just try to become the person we always wanted to be. Each one of us have certain people we admire,appreciate,look upto. We secretly want to be that person or we want to meet and know such a person in our life...i have a better idea...try to 'be' that person !

To 'be' somewhere u have to start the journey,take that first baby step that may sound or look very insignificant,but that is where every journey begins...at the very first step. I am not writing this keeping any one thing in mind,but actually my mind is reeling with a million such things ! If you like photography dont just sit on facebook and like and comment on other people's pictures,grab a camera and go and take a shot ! Who knows you would end up doing a better job than others. If business isnt doing well then spend some time with the people who are doing good and catch some handy tricks to use. If you wish to do well in studies chart out and use your time wisely and put your best in it.

I like reading and always wished that i could write something myself,hence this blog happened. At first i was bothered about and used to think what if someone makes fun of my gibberish writing style,but that's how i decided to learn. No doubt i read much much more than i write but it's only to learn and to improve in my own writing. I dont want to become a novelist or something like a few friends of mine have suggested me. But that's because i consider writing a huge responsibility. Atleast if i become one someday (if God wills) then i certainly don't want to be the run-of-the-mill kind.

Be the one of your kind and it's me after-all who has to do all the honing and polishing for me. The process is long and tedious. It takes time to plant a seed,for it to germinate and bear fruits. Spend some time in your company,away from the humdrum of the world around you. Do it,even at the risk of sounding like a recluse because persistent yearning takes a lot of earnest persistence. Keep taking those small baby steps towards whatever you have set out to achieve,before-long you would find your treasure on the palms of your hands.

Tell me.. what you want

Well i have always made it a point to write in my blog only what i feel,i know i can't force myself into writing..even if i wanted too ! But that's just sad,because i kind of made a new year resolution to write atleast once in two days. Coming to the point this post is not so much as a an assertive writing as an attempt to understand something...an attempt to understand the articulative abilities of our counter sex.

It has bewildered me how soon men develop and lose interest in things, say for example a relationship. Why is a man's response or reaction that is muted down considered normal ? Why when a man does not talk clearly and accurately about what he wants from a relationship doesnt even raise an eyebrow ! Why are there excuses like 'He just doesnt know how to express himself' or 'this is his way of showing that he cares/loves' or 'this is how he reacts when he's sorry for something'. Well why should we accept all these cryptic gestures and read more to his actions than what he actually means ! If he really means it he can very well say it,right?

For the starters a man is always very articulative ! Atleast that he was in the starting of a relationship ! Because no girl would ever fall for a snob who keeps his feelings under wraps and fails to express himself. Every girl fondly remembers the times when the same man/bf/husband was quite romantic and open about his feelings ! So what happened now ? Frankly,i am very tired of just 'assuming' that may be when he does this or says that it means he still cares for me or loves me or thinks about me ! Well...h..e..l..l..o if you do then you could just say it mister ! I mean what's the harm in doing that.

Take it or leave it,but it's all a girl's fault. I think we are to be blamed for just going with the most convenient option. Instead of choosing the alternative of confronting him and asking him to be more expressive about what he feels/wants,we just keep mum and try to see him as we want to ! We enter into a mind-space where we have made an opinion and image of him and he is already 'that' for us,no matter what he does or says. In effect 'we' turn him into something that we 'want' him to be as opposed to seeing him for what he actually is !

Another reason for doing this could be that girls by nature have a motherly instinct. By default,there exists a pattern in us that overlooks all the wrong things and excuses them over and over again. And sometimes...it all gets carried away too far aided by these huge pile of excuses that he isnt even making ! Work made much more easier for him,as it is us who is doing even that part for him.Frankly i find that pathetic too. But then that's how we are.

Needless to say when a relation ends we are the ones doing all the mourning and crying our guts out,feeling guilty as hell. Heart broken and nauseated,lolling in self-misery indulging in all that self cursing jargon and mentally kicking ourselves for putting upto this nonsense for so long ! But no matter all the butt kicking,that's who we are ! We would always be a tad bit more kind and forgiving and we may tend to overlook all the signs of emotional injustice inflicted upon us by our partner while we are in a relationship. At times it is just better to stand up and take a stand for ourselves and to tell us that we do deserve to be shown a lot more love and respect for all this perseverance..for so long.

P.s Female readers please leave a comment regarding how much of this you had experienced yourself and male readers please do try and explain what the hell is wrong with you guys !!! :)

Vantage Points

Not sure what to write,i decided my 50th post to be a random one !
Here i am just taking time to write about how different people receive,perceive,evaluate and respond to a situation in different ways. And sometimes i really don't know what group of people are actually right and precise and which one's are wrong. Who are we to say that there is just one way to do a thing,or more so that there's just one "right" way to do a certain thing. All we do is carry a moral baton and pound ourselves and everybody else with it and end up burdened by horrendous weight of it.

We are one hell of society,tied together in our own prejudices. Prisoners of our own minds and thoughts. All of us have ended up creating a prison for ourselves and trapped us into it happily or ignorantly. The blame lies in giving 'the run' much more importance than concentrating on how well we do it,or for what we do it. No-one gets alive of this life anyway,so is it any fun in walking a line that had been chalked out for us by the people who are as mortal as us ! Or do even take time and effort to look upto God and ask what He wants us to do !

We are so badly engrossed in "doing things the right way" that sometimes we forget we are put together for a purpose in this life. Will it matter at the end of the road that how "socially correct" or "compliant" we were ! Or what would really matter is that how much we have loved and cared for others and ourselves too. I mentioned long before in one of my posts that people have very short-term memory. Nobody remembers anybody for how and what they had done,we are remembered after our lives only for the way we made others feel ! If you had loved your parents/children/spouse/friends and family and made them happy for even a handful of moments put together in all your life..that is all what counts. Nothing more or nothing less matters than that.

No amount of money/fame/popularity/coolness/designer stuff would help us to be etched in the mind of someone forever. It is our sole responsibility to become and develop day by day into a person who would be proud to finish this life one day,not only with the contentment that we had done well,but also with a hope that we had somewhere left an indelible mark in someone's heart or life.

Breaking Free of our own prejudices

Mind-games

Just happened to ask a troublesome question to a friend today: 'When we miss someone,does that person have any inkling that somewhere in this whole wide world he is being missed badly ?'

To which my friend replied: 'May be....and if yes,then that's called telepathy'

Which got the ball rolling,and got me thinking...Do we really have a way to communicate with someone beyond any tangible means of communication !

If yes,does it happen all the time,answer is most certainly not. And when it does happen,what does it signify! Does that mean that we happen to share an unseen bond with the person !

Our mind,or our sub-conscious is a way more complex and complicated system than what we can imagine ! Just finished watching 'Black Swan' and felt sorry yet again for the victims of schizophrenia,poor souls are trapped in their own minds ! That sure is one hell of a scary place to be trapped for !! It doesn't allow us to escape anywhere as it is 'our own self' that we are trying to run away from !

So who knows Telepathy could be a reality ! It couldn't be invoked,it certainly cannot be ensured,then what is it after all ! Does our mind really have the power to bind someone else's thoughts ? More so that happening with me is very untoward because i am for one, quite an "unconcentrated" person,which implies that generally my thoughts are all over the place ! They are as scattered as colours of a rainbow,they want to be everything and to be everywhere...all at once. But if and when my minuscule brain finds a prism to concentrate all it's energy at one place,it just gets too damn hard for me to handle.

We never know how to do that. Some psychics or mind-benders or whatever they call those people might know how to,but we sure do not. But this telepathy does exist. Atleast that's what i learnt today. There indeed are some deep connections,projected by our own minds. And they do exist all the time,no matter how oblivious we are or may seem to it.

So in effect all we need are those 'Prisms' !! These can come in all forms,shapes and disguises. For some these prisms are their homes,their families,spouse and kids; for others might be their careers,status,power,money; and for select few their prism might be none of these things. It might be hidden somewhere deep beneath the clutter of our own thoughts.
How we find it...is the struggle we do all our lives. 

Reinvention

I have handfuls of new's in my life.

My sister's got married and it's a little strange to see her as someone "married" !!! To think of that now she has her own home to stay,her own family to take care of,is r..e...a....lly weird,but a happy kind of weird ! And then my blogging is there for me,another new in my life. Some new people that i am meeting daily,and certain old friends that i am revisiting. Must i say that this spring had brought some new bloom to my life too!

I am happy reading,writing,doing my job(though i dont have much work to do,but hey no complains there,because that leaves me with enough time to do stuff of my own). Another 'new' is people taking out time and reading ( and i mean a..c..tually reading what i write!) So much for what i thought of....'aww who would be ever interested in reading my tell-tales ! '

On self perceptive front i am discovering a whole new universe about 'me' !!! I found out that how much i like watching paintings and pictures,this fact is proved by my fetish for all the art pages that i have liked and visit(read spend hours surfing) regularly on fb and blogger! And though i may not be able to paint well,as yet,or i may not understand everything about the intricacy of art-world but i sure have developed a knack to spot the good ones ! Which is a pretty shocking revelation for me .

Just a couple of days back i happened to land on a website of a young indian teenage girl who stays abroad now,probably US i believe,though can't recollect any book written by her or anything but she seemed to be quite a famous blogger of sorts,400+ followers and likes! One particular post with 138 comments(!) grabbed my eyeballs,turns out to be a poetry in hindi. It was unbelievably horrendous! Murderous attempt at hindi or for that matter of sake,writing. She should be banned from writing in my opinion,not applauded! But that i guess is the norm,rat-race...like what everyone else is liking. Do not try to fetch a mind of your own,and if you happen to have one,don't dare use it.

Well my maladies...my bad. Moving on to my topic of 'new' i joined a new gym today,not that there was anything bad with the old one,but yet again my knack for doing something new,is making me go insane And i am onto a new diet plan,hopefully would be able to lose a tyre or two there. While at it,i am quite confident of my body,i dont hate it inspite of being plump,but i just want to reinvent myself.  
If out there is someone who is mentally tormented or unhappy about his/her body type/image please do visit this site : http://fatandtheivy.tumblr.com/ . My advice: Do whatever it takes to make you happy,because if you march out to please others,you would never win that battle. And by others i mean family,friends,spouse/partner,Bf/Gf, e..v...e....rybody else.

I find myself in a happy place today..now...in this moment. Wish that's the case with each and one of you too. ciao. 

Wo Raah...

काले अँधेरे सा फैला अकेलापन
और कभी बिस्तर की सलवटो में सिमटा सा


अनजान चेहरों में कभी
अपनों को ढूँढा करता है

रात बेरात जब भी आँखे बंद करती हु
उसे देखा करता है की जिसे
पहचाना नहीं अब तलक मैने

दिल की गहरायियो में रंज भी है
कही वफ़ा भी
सोच के की क्या यही अब से ज़िन्दगी है
हैरान भी हु और परेशान भी


कभी टटोलती, कभी संभलती,कभी खुद ही को समझाती हु
की वो राह जिसपर है जन्नत का नूर-ए-सबब

वो राह बस अगले मोड़ पर ही कही है ..

Angry Streaks

O'my angry streaks

don't like you and be away from me

i know it's hard

i know it's skewed

i need some peace

to curl and lie down here

The Little Dark Room

She didn't know what to do with them. She had cherished them,for God knows how many years. They had adorned her wrists for a long long while..so long that they felt part of her own lovely fair skin. And now that they had broken..it was difficult for her to just put them away. How could she ! These bangles had once meant 'love' for her,they reminded her day and night that she was a woman,that she 'belonged' to someone.

They were not meant to be seen as burdens of a relationship but a beautiful reminder of light crispy love that covers heart as early morning dew. Those days of new love had been kept alive in her mind,everytime she saw these bangles. They helped her to remember that how she had been treated like a beloved once! That her smile once had the power to win someone's heart and her tears were a powerful weapon once too!

They had helped her keep the romance alive,even long after it had vanished,gone forever...never to return back. They had been her last hope,her 'something' to hold onto,as if just holding onto them would make everything good again! But a heart in love could give senseless advice and can change the course of all life. That's what had happened to her. She held onto them for long....too long! She wore them like her skin,she was proud of them and the worst that she had 'believed' in them!

And that's what had hurt her most,it was not the pain of bruises in her wrists,at some levels it was not even the pain of 'losing' them but it was the pain that she had 'believed' in them! She had trusted them to keep her heart from breaking. And now she had to find a place to put them away. If only it was that easy! No,they can't be kept here,where she could see them,it would be agonising. So she found the best place to keep(read discard) them. There surely she wouldn't find them,she would surely forget about them. Once decided she held them in her hands for just a while longer and then wiping the tear tracks off her face she stood up.

In a moment she had transformed from a coy,shy,innocuous girl to a women of grit and determination. For a split second that had surprised her too. Decidedly she marched to the little dark room. She has often used that unsavoury room to dump things that she didn't like. Things that she had innocently borrowed and equally innocently had forgotten to return. they had lost their charm after awhile and all had found their way to that little dark room. We all have one of those rooms. We all use it to dump things we no longer use,things we no longer like,or things we no longer want to confront. It's easy most of the times,at other times we have to fight and suppress our stupid conscience,but like it or not that little dark room becomes more stuffy with time.

She despised going into that room. That room seemed to crawl under her skin and gave her the creeps. But this had to be done,and she readied herself for the unwelcomed encounter. She placed her lovely red bangles in the dark creepy old room.But even in the cold,misty space of the room they didn't seem like 'gone'. They were still shiny,still red,in stark contrast to the room,they felt like a beating heart in a corpse. May be it will take some more time for them to find their place of rest. She tries to remind herself that life has to go on. She reluctantly comes out,bathed herself,dressed and went back to the people in her house.

Some days later she was happy,feeling unburdened even! She could laugh now,she could still do so much in life. Who said all was over! She smiles and thinks may be they say right that everything happens for good,everything happens for a reason. Days turned to weeks and weeks to months she was living again,it's good to be with family,all of them sitting in the living room,sharing laughs,cracking jokes,she too is there,laughing and cheering and basking in the warmth of the people who stand with us no matter what.But then why does it feel that someone is calling her out from that little dark room!

Sickly loneliness

Some things they say cannot be explained,certain feelings stand beyond the world of words...mocking them.

Try explaining a visually challenged the color green, and you would know how difficult it is to put into words the sickly feeling of loneliness. It comes in a sudden surge,great big waves of loneliness,you won't even know what hit you! You can experience these pangs almost anywhere and anytime,watching tv,having dinner,washing dishes. Just let your guard down for a moment and it would slap tight across your face.

What do i do then? I reach out for my phone..fast as a bolt of lightening. In what hopes...hahaa eludes me! As if someone remembers me! As if someone somewhere would have felt that something has happened 'to' me! N'ah that never happens. Just like innumerable times in the past i am highly tempted to message a loved one! But i just control myself,do not message,and save making a fool of myself.

And then when the 'wave' has crashed and receded i look around and see what i am left with.Almost invariably i always check my hands,as if expecting to find something 'lost' from them. I am standing empty handed (both literally and metaphorically). pffew...how do i make someone understand this! How do i start to put it into words! How do i say what being and feeling lonely means.....just try explaining the color green to me.

Changes

I always love articles with catchy titles,though the one i am writing now doesn't have any. For the simple reason that i don't want it to. I want it to say exactly what i am thinking at the moment,and i am just thinking about 'change'.What started this thought process was looking my face in the mirror. While at it,i noticed a couple of grey hairs that made me inspect my face for any fine lines,wrinkles and even crow's feet. Well i hope not to ! But what i saw didn't make me worry,instead it just made me think that how far i had come !

Just a couple of years back,or so it seems,i had gone to college! There i had learnt to live without the protection and instructions of my parents,had learnt to fend for myself,spent sleepless nights alone when i used to be ill,had bought my first dress,gone for the first college trip,coffees,parties,movies, and also i had been this oh-so-sensitive girl who would cry at the drop of ball and could be easily provoked to have huge outbursts of anger,that many people around me had to suffer in silence as if they owed me something ! I am so sorry for all that mess i had caused back in my college days and really have apologized a million times in my mind to anyone whom i had offended then. I still cry easily but i don't get these humoungous outbursts anymore. I get angry,oh yes,but both the quantity and frequency has decreased substantially.

Makes me wonder how much i have changed ! Things that had been huge issues and worthy of holding up my chin and making and holding those stinky-faces seem so very futile now. Topics that seemed "non-reconcilable" just a year back had just vanished into thin air! Where are those arch enemies,where is that bitterness,complex issues,hard held grudges! Where are those people whom we had refused to let go,the relations that were to break only at our death beds,promises that were meant to last a lifetime!

Nothing stays..people change,situations change,opinions change,thought processes change because it's 'time' that change! Time is a powerful tool,a mighty one. As you move away in years from a certain occurence in life you realize it wasn't as huge or relevant as it had seemed back then. Time in it's relativity shows and teaches us that we watched it differently because we were too upclose back then,much like when we hold the paper too close to our eyes and we lose the focus. At a distance..the story stands entirely different. Things that had hurt mightily back then,don't hurt that much now,matters of hate and grudge seem menial,people you had really despised..well u don't even remember why you had hated them so much in the first place! And every once in a while we think 'oh what a wuss i had been,back then'

It's true, life is what happens to us,while we are busy doing other things. Life is what happens when we are paying the least attention to it. Life is what happens when we are having a cozy dinner with our family,life is what happens..when we sit and share a joke with our loved ones,life is what happens..when we are laughing like a maniac with our best friend on some silly matter,life is what happens..when you see your kids playing in the park,life is what happens..when you are listening to a song and lose yourself in it from tip to toe.All these moments when we are totally unaware of it....life is happening.

It's never of our choosing,it would never be of our choosing,we could just give it a drift and the best we could do is to...well just go through it with 'as less fuss' as possible. I use that phrase because it's not possible practically to be smiling always or to be happy go lucky kind(well for those of you who could do that,i have just two words:Lucky bas*****) :) but we could atleast try to frown less,to stay calm and try to take everything in stride,each little step by step. And that's how the ball rolls.

Aging ! So far hasn't scared me.I don't care how i look,if only i feel better along the way. Every time i am tempted to be materialistic and insensitive,i remind myself that i don't intend to be sitting a few years from now and thinking- if only i had a chance to do that one thing a little bit differently !

X-(

Sometimes that's the state of my mind !

On some days....nothing works.

Right from the traffic..to people..to browsers...everything seems to be dim witted and painfully slow. What a horrible slogging saturday it was. Slept off all through my aerobics class and had a stupid unpleasant dream instead. I knew then and there 'the day' is marked. Everything irritates my hyper-stimulated senses on these days. What the hell even the weather's turning me angry X-( not too cold for woolens but then even not too hot to be done with them either. Cancelled appointments,unscheduled work,frustatingly slow browser everything's got on my nerves today. Even the tailor who didn't finish my work on time, got a good piece of my mind !

Wonder what everybody else does on these days ! Usually tea/coffee does the trick for me,but not today!(had well over 5 cups since morning,in vain) I enjoy taking small walks in the park such days,but it's too cold and uninviting to leave the comfort of my room and so that thought goes down the drain...inmediato! I am angry at the fucked up browser,i am angry that i don't even have a laptop,i am angry that i cant find a reasonable movie downloader to download and watch movies,i am angry because i don't want to spend my life holed up someplace when there's so much of the world out there to be seen,i am angry because i am yet to discover my passion and purpose in life and i am also angry that promises are made easily and just as easily they are forgotten too!