Give me back my hug (*)

There is gotta be something magical about it....the hug !!

I dont seem to forget any of them. In my eyes it is a 'sanjeevani booti', the one stop cure for all the ailments. My mama used to hug me with his hand and a kiss on the top of my head,very much similar to how my brother hugs me now. I miss his presence constantly. My mum's hug says 'i have forgiven you' and it lifts me off from whatever miry clay i am stuck into.

I read somewhere an average person needs 7 hugs daily for his well-being,12 for growth and 4 for survival. I guess i survived badly for past all these years. But all that's gone. Second chances,we all wish for them often. I am happy to have one. When i am beaten down i remember all the wonderful hugs,by mum,mama,my bhai,my friends,and through everything dark and dungy, it gives me will to stand up on my two feet.

We never forget how someone made us feel. Remember what a snowman and a snow-woman in love did ! They hugged each other and melted in their embrace. :) If only we could give and take and share more hugs ! I close my eyes and live up the hug of the ones that aren't with me anymore. That's the only remembrance i have been left and it would live with me for as long as my heart goes on.

Miss you.

Forever : the greatest Lie

'I would be there for you forever'
'I would never break your trust,i promise'
'I would always be your best friend and be by your side'

Different words,by different people heard so often by so many of us...and then more so often proved out to be wrong. Some of them shattered in the public eye,discarded like house waste,lying in the dump-spot that every neighbourhood posses. Others so,stuffed up in the dark corners of house stores but forgotten nevertheless.

Sad. Until recently i had been a very Bridget jones'y type of person in my life. Always hoping against the rising tide of misery and solitude that things eventually fall back into place and everything is well at the end. But only up until recently.

People have failed me just as much as i have failed my God. Or may be that is the reason why people have failed me. Trust is the costliest commodity for me. Hard to place,harder to sustain. And in this rage that i am walkingcrawling 'Forever' seems to be the greatest lie in the world.

You know how it feels if you have been promised and been denied. It could be a promise of undying love or unwavering commitment or even the promise of never ending friendship. When denied they all pain equally. I once mentioned to a friend that a relationship is as gentle as a baby-sparrow. It feels so fragile on our palm but even so it is a living breathing thing.

Feels now that it's choked very much near to death.

It is important to balance life,there is a fine blend of family,friends,work and leisure in it. I need to be much more careful about the growing need to create that balance. The prerequisite to that is to accept that i need blessings in my life for that. I continue to care for everybody but not to expect anything much from others. Goes like that : You need me...ok il be there for you,but i might not be coming to you for anything now.

Sounds dispassionate. But for now it has to work this way.

No Caption

I hold it true,watever befall
i feel it when i sorrow most
it's better to have loved and lost
than never to have loved at all.

I have never seemed to make my peace with Alfred Tennyson for saying this. Whenever i am sad,lonely and in sorrow i resent this man the most for saying this. I dont know much about his life,as never found any need to google him,but i guess the only reason he could have said something like this is that probably he never loved and lost anything or anyone in his life. Lucky Bas****.

It hurts. It does. To remember someone as 'oh was he at one time such a huge part of my life !' It does hurt a lot to imagine someone as long lost part of our 'then lives'. Like we had left behind a limb,gangrenous and decayed,cut off from our body,but which once was very much a living, breathing, circulating, defecating part of us.  Friends left behind and long forgotten either by fault or fate and when you look back and 'see' those are the parts of life that are focused by some god damned headlight atop that cruelly shows them in the most vivid colors and hue.

It hurts to realize that where once didn't exist even an inch of space had emerged a gorge and no-one on the either side of that gorge has the faintest idea of how to fill it or even make a bridge on it. No it isn't ego,it isn't and can never be a thing as small tiny and measley as this. It is the time. And something else that eludes me dastardly for it is a pain to be able to talk to a friend and remember how warm the friendship was once ! Those are the toughest kinds of break-ups.

Read it...ul know

I am not scared of my feelings. I am not scared of feeling sad. Neither i am scared of feeling angry nor aggrieved. I can even hold myself feeling regret. What i am scared of is getting up one day and feeling nothing at all.

I am scared of turning into this dispassionate person that is cold and stiff hearted. I am passionate about writing and reading i absolutely love ! But then what else i love ! Or rather whom i love ! I dont want to end up being this crazy person with total lack of ability to love or care for others....aargh obnoxious. Reason(my guess) that i end up receiving so much less than what i actually give. Sounds selfish. About right,but i cant barricade expectations from creeping up into me. I expect something in return for all the time and heart i invested into a relationship. (At the risk of sounding immature and un-idealistic,this is what i honestly feel like now and so i will write as it is)

Egos can be so dangerous. Bruised egos even more so. Why cant we just keep our egos aside and accept that we are needy people. We are needy people in a crowded world. We need someone to call our own. To confide in. Amongst platoons of doubts we introduce someone into our world,a close friend perhaps! We let them into our tiny secret world. Let them have a sneak peek into all our dark dirty little secrets,our sufferings,our insecurities,our worries,we make them a walking partner in all of it and share our silly jokes with them (for eg 'You know china's prime minister is Li Hui' ) Who in their sane minds would laugh themselves sick on a silly joke like this ! Only friends right ! :)

And then they are gone,it's all over. there goes your castle of cards. It feels horrible you know. You end up thinking 'was all that for waste' ? Wasn't there anything strong to hold that up ? If you were wrong for once you didn't have courage to keep aside your ego and come and reconcile with me ? Dont i matter anything to your life ? Am i so worthless that it isn't hard for you to lose me....a friend !

The same way that i live.

For quite some time now,i had been living my life mindlessly. I just get up,do my job,finish my day,have my dinner,and got to bed. No goals,no aims,no expectations,no nothing. And frankly i am tired and sickened by all this. It's a fight almost daily, a fight to keep down the negative thoughts and to keep myself afloat even in all this muck. It takes a huge amount of effort to keep me just 'alive' from one day to another.

I remember the day when a professor was taking the class on "Ventilators and artificial respiration" back in college. She said "ventilators breathe for those who cannot breathe for themselves". And i thought to myself yeah that does some hell of a job ! I smirked. How i wish i had a ventilator right now. Because i sure am in no mood to even breathe. That does sound miserable, i know. But for once i want to beat down my never-dying-optimism and want to accept that i am sad when i am sad. If that makes me sound less impressive to people ! So it be then,i am a human too. I have all the right and privilege in this world to feel sad or miserable and to cry out loud when i want to.

One of my facebook friends posted a status about ants always stopping by to talk to each other even when they are busy. It's the only thing that i read today in all day. The ants actually are talking they are communicating through chemical signals,telling each other about food or danger or some other stuff relevant in antsville i guess. They are much more lucky than i am,i bet. Atleast someone talks to them. So much for friends. While on the topic of friends,i don't talk to many people.As it is i have a very few friends. Actually just a couple,with them i really talk my heart out. One of them is pregnant,and i don't want her child to grow up listening to my woes in her womb,so stopped minding her with my never-ending-misery. Good thing that she rarely reads my blog. Another friend of mine is too busy with his business and some other stuff that i am not sure about. He finds me too repetitive and to quote him "my thoughts have completely broken down and are dilapidated".

So that's it. What would you do if you are judged by your friends? I know i am not perfect,but i sure was at your side when you needed me,so am i asking too much for you to be there for me !  Divide your worries and they lessen,but whom to divide with ? What would you do if you have nowhere else to go,and even your friends think you are too much of a burden for them to mind and to handle ! I just write,and i write mindlessly...the same way that i live.

Just make me smile...and Love you even more..

This bit of post is for You...i know there isn't any chance of you reading it,at least not yet ! But i can't even begin to say how thankful i am,that you are a part of my life. My little piece of sunshine,my own handful of free sky.

Thanks for being my buddy,you have supported me,when no one else would.You have loved me,when no one else could.

Dirty Expectations

Girl 1: hey who is your best-friend ?

Girl 2: (with an air of supreme confidence) : MY BOOKS are my best friends

Girl 1: (laughing with her friends) : really you mean to say you dont have any real friends !!!!!

that bit of conversation happened almost 19 years back and it did leave Girl2 with loads and loads of questions and doubts as to what and why did happen !!! as she had given a perfectly well-crafted answer which was actually a statement written to her by her grandpa in one of his many letters

As high school rolled by girl2 realized that she had been naive in replying to the question,that she had given a 'Miss-India' pageant answer which was actually a 'borrowed' belief

Girl2 subsequently turned out to be a little popular in school as well as in college and had more than a fair share of attention of not only her fellow-mates but also of her teachers. Yeah she did start thinking it was too childish of her to give that answer pffurrr what was she even thinking !!! But here she is almost 19 years later pondering over whether she actually got the answer right the first time around !!

Even at the risk of sounding needy i would say that i find a life without my friends unfathomable. But there have been times lately when i had wanted to talk to someone,and had found no-one around me to share my cup with. And then what i had done is to actually turn over the beautiful pages of a book,and allowed it to keep me company for the time

With the realization that my answer was not wrong but it was just the dish that i hadnt cooked !!! I in my time of need now turn to the pages of 'The Kite Runner' and find my respite therein