Leaving off

Dreams. Coming in frequent and coming bad...mostly. I happen to dream a lot nowadays. Wonder why ! Might be because i am sleeping a lot (its solar hot here in rajasthan) but i mostly dream of my friends. Dream of seeing some,dream of missing some.

A weight sort of lifted off from me today. It is rightly said taking a decision in your head is the most difficult part. Implementing it is a piece of cake. There are two conflicting views that i wish to write here and also try to grasp it better if anyone of you care to help me out. We all have heard a phrase that when you are about to give up on something remember the reason why you held up to it for so long ! But i never truly get it. What if the semantics of the relationship has changed ! What if now it is not what it had been before.

There is absolutely no use of dragging any relationship that has run its course and is on the verge of death. Well sometimes we girls even have a habit of dragging them beyond the limit. What's the use ! Will; you ever be happy again. Probably Not. Then why should it be so difficult to leave off the things and grasp the new ones.

Untill we empty our hands of stuff we do not want how will we ever have space for stuff that we actually wish for ! It is easy and less painful to just grab and pull off the bandage. Undoubtedly. In my view thinking of my happiness first is not selfishness. I tried to be selfless and giving for years and years before,i didnt get anything in hand out of that. Every place (except my family) where i had toiled to be selfless and giving i had failed miserably.

Though it doesnt feel like some magnificent transformation but believe me it does feel lighter. No grudges,no complaints,no excuses,no returns. What's given is given. If you have lost something it's ok,may be you needed to be parted from it to become this what you are today.

Loony Toon

Ever wished someone to be miserable and lonely ? And then to sweep into the scene and make their life less miserable and less lonely with your charming presence !

I wished. Actually i wished and dreamt ! All my life....all of it...i had been a person who filled zillions of slam books writing 'i hate hypocrite people' and here i am turned into one ! Gosh ! We all have people in our lives..people we love spending time with,we eagerly wait for their calls,and it is because of them we pick up the darn mobile when it beeps a text message evry single time. We want to be remembered,we want to be missed,we want to be talked to,we want to be laughed with,but we also want to sound all mature,and actually sane :)

Aaarrggh but damn it is frustating when we find others to be perfectly happy and contended in their lives ! We want to have a perfect life,we want to be busy doing important stuff,we want to be all happy,and feeling all 'light in step' and 'flowery-eyed' about life....but behold that is not us leading that life ! All we end up doing is checking out phone every few minutes for any texts,and sleep with it beside the pillow and imagining every few seconds that it did vibrate or beeped !

Moral of the story..this is not a life we wanted ! So we will make a life that we always wished for :)

Ingredients: Books#collect,download,buy,beg,borrow,steal the genre of books you like to read. A word of advice i think "self help books"  mess up with your mind. Stay clear of them,instead concentrate on fiction,even therein seriously avoid M&B :). Buy a sketch book and a pack of paints. Keep a camera handy. Have store of good movies.

Method : Read as much as you can....books,websites,articles..everything counts ! Everything helps you build up a pool of energy and positivity. Write. It helps. No idea how,but it does. Paint (if/when you cannot write). Take pictures...loads of them,just not for fb purpose,but taking pictures gives you a fine eye for things. Watch movies when you are lazy for all the above options. (Last i watched was Monster,uff the desperation and isolation in it )

Note : Do not disturb people who dont need you to feel happy and contended. Because that is afterall you always wanted,in the first place. For every one such person there are so many more who need your presence in their lives ! Your family...your friends...random people at your work place whom you dont even bother to glance at or make an effort to know their names !

Be tidy in thoughts,get busy,make yourself useful and dont be a moron :)

A wee bit of Unusual Life

Not even 24 hours since i had written my last post,and i am already amazed at how much life can change in how little a time ! Or may be i am wrong, may be nothing did change except ofcourse my attitude. I was busy doing so many things today,they are all forming a mix pie in my hand. But to summarize i read a lot,mostly blogs, talked to a cousin who FYI must be regretting being my 'Agony Aunt' right now ! :) But when you read about other people's lives,all that stuff that they are going through,somewhere you begin to realize that you are either going through the same or have experienced it already. I am not saying that everybody has the same life,that is preposterous but more or less the plot is same !

One blog mentioned the agony of a simple girl who is finding it hard to be accepted by her friends and peers because she is fat ! Well i am not being rude,but i think if you have to, then be blunt and call fat,instead of toning it down and calling plump or chubby. What's the sin in being fat anyways ! There are just some body related issues with you,that is it. One can be fat and still be fabulous and likewise slim and dumb ! Ha,even i was laughed at by a lady at gym yesterday but then so be it,i care the least bit. Why do people not see it,laughing at someone's expense demeans your own self not the other person. I walked into gym today and casually asked about the identity of that lady,i dont care what she thinks about me. And why should i ! Seek for no one's approval atleast in the context of your looks. We are not bodies with a soul,we all are actually souls with temporary bodies !

Next i read quite a famous blogger,you know the kind with three figure followers. Honestly the blog was trash and she is busy spreading it to twitter,tumblr,flickr and everywhere she could lay her hands at. She had nothing specific to say. All her posts were bland,heartlessly wriiten and talked of various public and personal  issues but none that could strike straight through heart. Abandoned. Why do people write anyways ! To be famous ! That's plain silly,writing is an art,it is a way of life,respect it and if not we can always learn ! I am ! Next i read a blogger whom i had admired for long,but reading her makes me think that really no-one's life is as easy or perfect as it seems. I mean i would think she is settled abroad,married and all,oh-what-so-perfect-life,i would trade her for mine anyday and yet she is facing some grave problems in her life that she is struggling to deal with. I pray she finds her peace.

Reading about all these different people along with the oscillating life modes that i am going through made me think that what exactly is different then ! Here i am sitting and brooding over some wrong choices in my life,choices that might not even leave any indelible mark,but sitting and worrying about it is making me lose the precious time that i have in hand now ! It's gonna rain in a little while here,i hope there would be showers of blessings in life of each one of us. (even the lady who laughed at me in the gym) hahhaa hell ya she did motivate me to work harder atleast :)

I am so much reminded of a scene from rocky series right now,probably the fourth,where rocky sits talking to his son about how he is always a wee bit scared of at being beaten down in the ring,but after the first blow all he thinks is of going further just an inch and making it to the next round. That made me think what if we too did the same. What if i break my life into days and hours and tell myself 'Today i am gonna keep myself happy,or for the next three hours il watch a movie or read a book and treat my senses to some pleasure or educate myself' That could work out right ? We never know, inspite of all the problems at this very moment  we might be actually mighty blessed. To dwell in each moment would be the best thing to do right now.

And now i would go and get soaked crazy in the rain. :)

Ever judged someone's worth ?

It might look similar to us,but every person is different

What do you see yourself as ? Do u see yourself as the one who is just carelessly flung into the bloody and gory life,tossed and kickassed by the unfair world,or do you see yourselves as the person who is responsible for anything and everything that's happening with and around you !

I consider myself as the latter one. Though that might sound like i am the maker of my own destiny and the pilot of my own life,it is not so much comfortable when you had repeatedly screwed up your life,just like me ! Believe me, just because you were given a chance to choose your path and you ended up taking the wrong one is hardly a consolation for the grievous heart. But yes i do not have anyone to blame for where i am,atleast. I know a friend of mine,who falls into the first category. He thinks life's been unfair to him and that he was not given ample amount of opportunities. At first i used to listen to him and empathise. Not so much lately ! What could be the reason ?

Firstly the case could be that we hate people making excuses repeatedly. When they go on and on and on about how they couldn't do this or get that because of something that might have happened in their past ! My God,i have to admit that bugs me a little at times. But do you know the cardinal truth, i am no-one to judge him. I may find listening to his never ending excuses irritable but as a friend it is my responsibility to boost him up and get him going on the road to finding himself and his destiny. Afterall that's what friends and family are for ! I am reading this book 'The Great Gatsby' and the opening lines of the book were 'When you feel like criticizing  another person,never forget that not all the people had same advantages as you'

Who am i to judge someone as victor and another one as victim ! I have not been in their place,have not gone through their days. I mean i was given an opportunity,may be the other person did not have even that to prove his mettle. I pray that God save me from this act of judging any other person,because it's really His job,not mine. :)

Persevere

I normally do not write until i really want to or have to,but inspite of just having a single thought i have this urge to write it down lest i forget the way i feel now and here. Past few months have taken a huge toll on the part of me that exudes optimism. I have always since i can remember have been sorts of pollyanna myself. But tough times wear and tear you down beyond your worst nightmares.

But the thought that has stuck to my mind lately is "it just takes a single moment,for life to become wonderful". Reminds me profoundly of Jimmy Eat World number "It just takes some time" and yes even the idea is similar. I have been oscillating between breezes of positivity and pits of pessimism for so long that the state doesn't compel me to write anymore. I find my writing much easy flowing when i am distressed. But then i thought 'well yeea why not write something good..for a change'. I don't have much to write. I have just this one thought in my mind right now,much like a light at the end of a long,dark,perilous tunnel. Well more like a flicker of light,that i am not yet sure of,so it doesnt call on for a celebratory dance but makes your heart glow with a faint warmth and the feel of making out of it...finally.

I never write beyond the point where i feel i have done saying what i needed to. I do not like to read posts that keep on dragging and dragging even when there isnt anything left to said. So i would just stop here for you to contemplate it yourself. If you had taken out time to read this post i would like to personally tell it you that it really just takes only a single moment for ALL of your life to turn around. Be a fighter and choose to live even through the troughs of life with dignity and integrity. Someday you will be happy that you did.

That's me...

There's this awkward feeling,when you maintain calm amidst a storm. And i love that feeling,for a moment or two  only may be but it makes me feel so confident and positive about me and everything else. I know very shortly there would be some hard core thinking to do and some very important decisions to make,but it's weird i am feeling relaxed ! See we are bothered when we are sad,and we are bothered even if we are not bothered about anything anymore ! Pffew...what the hell are we ! :)

So because this is a random post i will just write randomly. Take things one at a time. Be kind to yourselves..you owe atleast that much to you. It is your responsibility to keep yourselves happy,if you cannot,nobody can. Treat yourselves to some good music,good food (try cooking it yourselves),good ride and some good exercise. Treat your body with love and respect. You are bound to feel good.

I have been reading and watching some blogs,considerably young people and explosively talented,i must say ! I feel dwarfed in the world of blogger. There are so many awesome bloggers. Some write beautifully and they like write about everything that happens to them. Makes me feel,i too am having all those experiences with them. Was particularly offset one day and stumbled upon a blog with beautiful pictures....pictures of mountains....mountains like i have never seen before. Siddharth was his name i guess. Just the simple act of seeing his blog was a blessing to me. It took me to altogether different place. Place where i had always wanted to go.

I love the honesty in people's blog. I don't want to read any fancy blogs with hundreds of followers and no soul in writing ! When i write,i pour my heart out,not thinking of anything else. Fancy and pretty photoblogs i had seen many,those pictures seemed to be taken with the purpose of posting them on the blog. And when you do something for a selfish purpose,nature misses out on you. Every artist,whether writer or photographer has to be honest with his work,only then a part of our soul gets attached to the art.

Someone from australia had brilliant pictures on his blog,mighty honest too ! Made me want to own a DSLR of my own. Seek for the beauty around you and it will then flow into you. So a good camera is definitely on my wish list. Want to go travel and visit places. Not for the purpose that it sounds cool,just want to experience something different and this time i am going with my cam.

the movie precious

Once in a while watch some good movie. I watched "Precious" this afternoon,not as good as my last watch "The Artist" but makes me realize how important it is to have the will to keep my head above water all the time. Be happy and thankful for what you have. And better things are sure to follow. And one more thing that the movie made me think a lot about is our need to be loved by someone ! Every girl, accept it or not, has a dream to be loved by someone like a princess. Every girl has dreamt of being a movie star,a pop singer or a fairy tale cinderella at some or other time in her life. Don't deny anyone this right..the right to be loved. The physical form is such a shallow parameter of defining who is beautiful and who is not. Be kind,be loving.

kal ke andhero se nikal ke

dekha hai aanke malte malte

phool hi phool zindagi bahar hai

tae kr liyaa aa aa aaaa

Aj fir jeene ki tamanna hai

aj fir marne ka irada hai

On my way back from gym the song inadvertently brought to the surface something that could not be explained in mere words. A caged soul can still think of flying...and who knows when the wish turns to will and the will to reality !

जुर्रते-इंसान पे तो तादीब के पहरे रहे 

फितरते-इंसान को कब ज़ंजीर पहनाई गयी !

(जुर्रते-इंसान : man's will to carry out actions

तादीब : discipline,law

फितरते-इंसान : man's nature,thoughts)

What was i even thinking !

Alyssa Monks Painting,one of my favourite,i call it resurrection

I am not going to write anything new today. I am just going to put some questions and would expect to receive some answers..hopefully. Ever heard the phrase "The first love is the true love,the next ones are just it's replicas".

I strongly disagree with it. Standing at some considerable distance from my teenage now and also a safe distance from my first ever romantic escapades i can now read into them a little more clearly. What's evoked the thought are a couple of blogs written by my friends a lot younger than me. I can relate totally to their feelings,oh yes i put myself mentally into 'that timeline' and then when i read them,they are very relevant. But just all in that timeline,that's it.

So what happens now ! Well i grew up. The paper is at a safe distance from me to focus my sight properly and read perfectly. We are invariably always in a hurry back then. No not stupid but we are passionately curious ! That's it. We had heard of love and relationships,we had been brought up on the regular dose of bollywood romantic flicks and had been humming and daydreaming over the love songs for too long. So we just want to try it on,and feel what it is like.

So we enter it naive,we have no idea what to expect out of it,and just when we were patting our backs for finding that "someone made for us",trouble enters stealthily, and there is all not well in the dreamsville. He gets bored,we are still so much into it,he sulks,we object,he feels trapped,we want to talk and solve it out (always),he is dangerously suffocated now (oh boy),we sulk,we cry,we blabber,we dig the story ferociously and a few corpses as well,then soften a bit (desperate attempt to resuscitate what's left in it),we talk and talk,more sobs,cry,rant and rave,name-calling follows,he stops talking.Period.

And then we become wise,like once bitten-twice shy ! We are enlightened now. We know now what we want,but more importantly we do know what we don't want. Akin to bying jeans! The first time around,you are too cuckoo-headed to realize what you want. And then years of practice and embarassing camel-toe and peeking grand-canyons later we are wise enough to know 'our-kind-of-jeans'. No more are we blinded by shines of the fancy and pricey labels,we aren''t drawn nuts by myriads of style and makes and fabrics and stitchings and etc etc etc. We just stroll about casually,lay one eye on it,and voila 'we know'. We just know it is right for us.

Sorry for the lame comparison (might be offensive for some) but that's just to drive my point home. So isn't it right that every other time we had just grown wiser knowing what exactly would suit us and work right for us !      
For a long time now,i had been ridiculing myself for the choices i had made earlier in my life. As a result of which i had found it better to just swallow my voice and thoughts in the vital matters concerning my life and to let my parents and/or destiny chalk it out for me. But then why shouldn't i !

Well i had always believed in 'someone-somewhere-made-for-you' no amount of denying would help me out there. I guess a little girl in me would always believe in it,no matter how much i ask her,or cajole her,or force her not to. But the perspective has changed. I longer have that fairy land sewed to it. It's just a clear realisation, if i must put it that way ! It's just this fact that stands tall,with each passing day. The foundation stone etched with the words that "Everytime it didn't turn out well with someone else,remember it's taking you one step closer to the right one"

None at All

With stinging burning eyes

i look at my phone

any messages from you

None at All !

Promises are aplenty

like tiny little stars

do i not believe them

None at All !

Heart has its reasons

his own cares in wooly little world

but is logic amongst them

None at All !

I close my tired eyes

and i wish for you

Do i not trust you

None at All !

Of Mindless Things....and More

I categorically remember the day i took my first baby step in this virtual world.

I always thought social networking sites are a complete waste of time. Orkut/fb/gtalk are for people who have nothing better to do with their lives. Or else who in their sane minds would prefer to sit behind a computer screen and talk silly,all the time! Nevertheless i joined all these sucker online sites.....well i had to post my pictures somewhere!! But cropping,retouching and uploading pics sort of loses it's charm after a couple of months. Fb came as a mighty rescuer...i was on a 'friend-making' spree! Not having any interesting friends back then to talk to,i would frantically be jumping from one profile to another,shooting out friend requests faster than autistic kids throw frisbees,the frequency of which was stalled only when fb had to deactivate my 'friend request sending' option from time to time..yeah that's how i learnt such an option even exists! Well those were the rosy days of making friends,chatting,getting to know about their college,work,family and friends (in any and which order)

Those days i was sucker for anything that would hold my attention for anywhere near 7 min. There was an avenue where i could meet new people,talk to them introduce them to my life easily,and if they turn out to be complete wuss or not so interesting,then eliminate them as easily by a simple option 'defriend' (kudos to fb for inventing this concept) Well suddenly i was this young,outgoing,flamboyant girl who wasn't scared of new stuff in her life. All our life we girls are taught to maintain a distance from unknown people and then suddenly i wasn't so much afraid of 'strangers'.Well my argument was i am a stranger too for someone! Am i not!

I had an amazing time,talking to people from different cultural backgrounds,from all age groups,all walks of life,different mindsets,different ideologies,different states,different family values....and then suddenly i got tired of everything. My scrutiny chart for accepting friend requests that used to read 'the person should not be a pervert..at the least' suddenly got lengthier and lengthier and i suddenly stopped accepting any friend requests altogether. I realized i had exhausted myself,i had burnt up all the fuel i had and could go on no more with this insanity. So i stopped chatting and replying to any casual hi and hello's. It's been a long time since i had known the joy of a conversation that begins with 'Hi,where do you stay,and what do you do'.

What followed was a long process of 'weeding' my friend list and within two days i had 200 ''friends'' lesser.With no offence to anyone of them, but it got just too congested for me to handle. I talk to and interact with a very tight group of people now,and for rest of them who wonder why there isn't any notification from me,well the truth is they are 'unsubscribed'(another brilliant concept from fb).I don't see them at all,these phantom-friends of mine,and thus save my self the pain of going through their nonsensical ramblings about outings with their friends,or their pizza dates or their yiepppe moments complete with the pictures that include family,friends,kids,dogs,neighbors..basically anyone that knows how to stand in front of the camera and smile stupidly for their pleasure and my pain. I mean why should i be tortured with pictures of your kids,however cute or non-cute they may be! Xcuse me, that doesn't interest me even a wee bit.All i use fb for nowadays is to check out my subscriptions of some art sites and to read some news portal pages and articles.

And just like that suddenly i had shut myself from the world.When we get tired from everything on the out that's when we start looking and exploring and knowing us from the inside.And that's how the cheerful and bubbly me who never used to leave an opportunity of having a nice coffee-time chat with anyone, turned into someone who would sit in her room alone for hours reading or writing,or sloshing paints mindlessly in scrap books,would roam around and take walks alone with ear-phones plugged in perennially and wish that no one would so much as even prod her with the slightest trace of a conversation.

I am cocooned now,not that i have turned into some kind of a sociopath! I like company,i like talking to people,people who could teach me,stimulate my thoughts,inspire me,stir a storm within me but i guess i would do all that in my own time.

Immolation

There comes a time in our lives,when everything on the out seems a little too cluttered but even then nothing seems 'enough' on the inside.

Looking inside my heart i find so many people,so many memories stuffed up in there, that filling it with other new things could cause a massive spillage.I want to have so many new experiences, paradoxically it feels as if i have just started my life! As if the air has but caressed the inside of my lungs for the very first time,like the blood has just a moment ago lovingly brushed past my veins,But those shitty laws of physics return to screw you and it seems u have to empty everything in order to make place to fill it with something new.Sometimes it becomes mandatory to leave even that one bird in the hand and stand at the end of the cliff and spread out hands and welcome whatever new that life wants to bring into our arms.

But how i wish i could empty my heart of all the things of past,present and seemingly of the thoughts of the future too,very similar to how i empty my purse to clean it up.Tel me how to take out one's heart,zip it open and flip it on the bed and shake all it's contents out! Wish i could reach deep in it's gorges, put my hand in and scoop out everything that has been lying or hiding there for ages..pain,grief,agony,gut wrenching fear of losing a loved one and times of sob-till-you-sleep...all gone.Just be done with all the stuff and make place for all things new,fresh and yet to be found.

Looking around in my room now,there are so many things that i see, that my mind even finds it difficult to register each one of them! And yet how many of these things do i actually need to live! Do i need to have that pretty lampshade by my bed side! I doubt it, because i mostly work in tubelight.Do i need those cute little cusions on my bed! Doubt it again because two pillows are all that i need.Call me drab and boring but i hate beautifying my surroundings or myself. Hell where is the time when i can write and read and paint and experience so much stuff! I by nature do not notice very many things,may be because how things look doesn't matter much to me,if they solve the purpose of them being there,it's enough.Ditto for people how they look doesn't matter a wee bit,but how they make me feel is all that counts.

At a wedding function tonight my mom talked about a certain girl who has 'bagged' a hot-shot.She pointed out to me that how she has 'managed' to catch a pick whose family owns factories in belgium and they supposedly have their own chartered plane too.While i found the couple cool,well groomed,nice-to-chat-to,typical metrosexual type, she went on about all their 'richy-rich' ways of flying from bombay to kota with three house-help's and all,while i was busy gorging some hot moong ki daal ka halwa and treating myself to the live music being played. I think i quite made a fool of myself as i was the only person sitting and listening to them play lovely hindi instrumentals.That moment was like the rain parching my soul that's deprived of any titillating live music performances in this small town of mine.(The musicians who looked every bit like the cool college going guys for whom music is a way of life but have to play for some cash in hand,looked my way smiling once in a while when i bobbed my head to their music and nodded my approval everytime the violinist soared brilliantly through a piece of music)But excuse me, who needs a chartered plane and tons of cash when u have piping hot halwa and can listen to some beautiful violen in cool january breeze!

Coming back to the topic,driving my way back i found myself thinking about that movie 'Into The Wild' and there was this sudden moment of epiphany when i realized why the protagonist being a Harvard graduate,and a potential Law student, donates his college fund of 25000$ burns his cash and leaves for alaska ! it's because the more we have,the more we would crave for,and the less we have,the less we would need.

If there could have been an easier way of doing that,i would have done it by now. Like emptying the room and then keeping only that which is needed. Sometimes i feel that it could be done,when i see a painting i feel how there have been some angry strokes that actually have been slashed away there with a hope that by doing so the heart would be ripped of it's useless filthy layer(the beautiful,vibrant canvas then becomes a trash can for the artist's heart). When i see some pictures, like the one that i am posting in this blog, is another representation of destroying the existing ever-knowing ourselves to give place to a new heart to be born..that could hold a new thought..that could nurture within itself a new idea..a new love.

Tale of being..Me

Two days back i celebrated my 30th bday. I was terrified and physically sickened to have myself landed in 'this' space. I was 30 and still single while my friends were posting their happy-family pictures with kids or atleast husbands. And here i am 30 and single!

I was scared of facing my 30th bday,i planned to sleep over it,but that was practically not possible,i planned to switch off my phone and lock myself up in my room,but i figured that it would take a hell lot of effort to build up excuses for those couple of friends who i knew would call me up at midnight and if not to anybody else then i am atleast answerable to you(Krati jain and Pratham raj) :) Then i thought why not bravely face what's inevitable ! So i did put up a smile,took wishes from mum and dad and talked to the two of my best friends and settled back to my reading of 'Red Dragon'.

Somewhere around 2 when i was retiring to bed,i had this strange feeling,i suddenly felt 'different',felt a little more relaxed and a lot more confident. What dawned on me was i guess the realization that all this while i have survived,with or without help but i have,and i surely would even now. I don't give a rat's ass about having an affair for the heck of it,or for getting married just because i am supposed to.I am finally happy being me! I have a job,it doesn't build up my bank balance but it sure does keep me on my feet,i am reading a lot,writing happily and even experimenting with colors,i no-more get worked up by things easily and burst up in flames,over the years i have learnt to be less judgmental and just enjoy what life brings my way,i feel stable much like in steady warfare position,feet firm flat on the ground and for the first time in many many years i am so sure and confident of myself. And i surely am not ready to throw all of that away...so this bday i 'actually' celebrated being more 'me'

The First Strokes

Finally i gave in.

For a long time i avoided it,ignored it,shoved it aside by busying myself somewhere else, even suppressed the urge fiercely,but i gave in today ! Today i painted :)

Since i wrote a blog and i mentioned that i wish i could paint,the idea stuck to me like a leech. I had been checking out a few art sites and had been watching paintings since about a month now. Though i am fully aware of my 'artistic' talents and their limitations, today i just longed for it,all day long!

I took a day leave (which i do quite often nowadays) to concentrate on my reading(i am already way behind! and haven't read so may books! OMG). So with my morning tea i devoted all my day to Jhumpa Lahiri's 'The Interpreter of Maladies' but my mind kept on going back to painting! It goes about like...'She flung open the drawers of the bureau and the door of the closet,with sarees of every texture and shade,brocaded with gold and silver threads'..hmm.....how to make gold in paint! I wish i had a brush full of gold paint in my hand right now! How good it would feel! And what about the textures of the painting! Oh the feel when u move fingers along that rough textured canvas! Oh shit...oh no yes the novel..so where was i! Something about gold i guess!!!

That was irritating really! Finally my instinct won over my will and i was off to the market to buy some paints and a sketch book.It's awkward buying that if u don't have kids of your own,i tell you! I realized it soon enough and pretended to buy it for some kid as a gift or whatever! Reached home,thought my 'real me' won't make my 'sensible me' do any more stupid things,and just dumped my shopping onto the sofa and i lied down watching 'The American'. When distracted i always prefer watching movies over reading. Reading is a sincere activity,you have to feed yourselves cautiously,take in words properly,grasp them,just don't go about them carelessly,or else you fail to build the book in your mind. On the contrary watching movies is like being spoon-fed,someone else has already done the job for you,made the dish,served it,and actually is feeding you too! Just chew it and swallow! Lot easier for the times when my 'real me' kicks up.

George Clooney saves my day for an hour there,and i turn back my attention to Madame Lahiri. Go through half of it,get ready for clinic,reach clinic and dammit i still want to paint! What does a girl has to do to keep her stupid intentions at bay! I mean i am no artist! And God knows not the least bit a painter! I mean i really respect them and actually am in awe of what they do! It's not an easy bit!(sorry for making them sound like nuns or rabbi) but C'mmon painting is noway same as writing! I know words, so i can write! How the hell am i supposed to paint! I don't even know how to make colours! How to move the brush and strokes is entirely different universe!

Half an hour later,i give in.

I leave the clinc,run to my room,and did the most stupid,impulsive thing i had done in months! I Paint! i am just thankful that i am not having any urge to share it publicly :P

So my first painting is of an outline of a woman,surrounded by black n dark walls on three sides! But one side is open and she can see huge bits of clear sky from there,vast expanse of clear blue sky with a little tinge of yellow rays. That's it. My first step. It's a baby step i know! It may not turn into anything,i was wondering if that sketch book would be soon buried somewhere in my cupboard,never again seeing the light of the day!And those paints about which i was so pointedly inquiring the shopkeeper that whether or not they would dry up soon,would actually get dried up sooner than i thought! What if some day i would come across that sketch book and smile on my foolish attempt.What if someone sees it and laughs at me! It sounds and looks so naive.

But then who knows it might turn out to be something! i might have stumbled upon something and discover that i have found a treasure under my feet,much like i found my writing.

Never Belittle Love

.......so is a chapter in "Life is what you make it" by Preeti shenoy.

I find it increasingly impossible to put to rest my anguish and longing of finding someone who would put all my questions and long waits to rest.

How many of us are actually trapped in relationships that gives us more misery than joy ! I know i was ! For what it was worth there were many good moments too,but then again a relationship doesn't survive on past,it survives on fresh breath from 'today'....from 'now' ! If its dead now,it doesn't matter how beautiful face it had yesterday !

We try all in our might to make it work. We are constantly in a Tug-of-war with destiny,and it always ends the way destiny wants it to !

But the die hard optimist that we women are, we never cease looking for 'the perfect one'.From person to person we find our refuge,we shelter our broken hearts,lick our own wounds and begin the quest yet again.

Once in a while we do come across someone who seems perfect,i did...and for the first time i didn't care how much he earns(yes it does matter every other time,i confess even at the risk of sounding bitchy) because i felt with him i won't need money to be happy.But then again karma is a bitch and he calls up and says he simply doesn't have time for a relationship ! What do u do ! You keep a smile plastered at your face and say 'its ok' and u even appreciate his honesty,you might even manage a chuckle to emphasize your Devil-may-care attitude but in all honesty whats happening is that your heart is shattering into a million little pieces,and u wonder if ever you would muster up courage to believe those three little dastardly words again..

Silly Me

One thing that i have no idea about is: How to fit into female talks.

I am not using the term 'girly' in here because i mean all kinds of talks that females of varying age indulge in. I don't see myself fitting in any one of those !

I have outgrown girls who are bothered about just boys or their display pics a long back,so i skip talking about them.Starting from my own age i have no interest in continuous ramblings about newer and brighter avenues of shopping in town,or hip coffee joints.

Worse kind of group of girls who are recently engaged or soon to be married,they don't have anything better to talk about than where to get best price for silk brocades or the best designs for saree blouses.These kinds bore me to death and i find them highly repulsive or as my brother likes to call "toxic"

Next come the recently married kinds, who keep on continuously posting their pics from "honeymooning in Goa" with all the snapshots of short floral dresses n even skimpier shorts,and you don't need to look harder to get a snapshot of a little more than that too! And mind you,they don't even miss a single comment on any of their pictures and would religiously reply to each and every one of them,as if not doing that is crime punishable by law.

And last but not the least our very own mummy-talks,where there is a set of complaint for every genre ranging from milkman to gardener to maids and even one set for daddy dears.

Yes it's true i find myself not gelling well in any of these places. And have no clue as to where to go.

What is Wrong

My life is easy,simple,straight and boring.

Morning at gym

aunty no1: hey hai..u lukin so cute in this pink tee !

me: (stifling a yawn) o'thanks,it's an old one

aunty no2: hey did u lose some weight or not ?

me: umm...i guess i did

aunty no2: (least bothered in my reply) hey u know i just lost 700gm in 3 days :( God i am so upset !

me:(luking at aunty no2 because it seems hard to find out where from she had managed to lose those 700gm ! she looks as in shape as JLo to me !)

aunty no1: (seething with jealousy) really chetna ! Now did you !

me: grabbing this golden opportunity and making a run for my treadmill with my headphones secure.

Later in the morning at hospital

same old routine repeating itself day in and day out

A tooth decay comes into my cabin

A tooth decay is filled in and sent out

pyorrhea comes into my cabin

pyorrhea gets cleaned and go out

Texts from friends

Hey mandy how are you,where are you buddy ? long time no see ! u know i went to bombay last week,had a blast yarr,check out my pics on facebook na,see my blue floral dress too

(hmm....i delete the texts,dont bother replyin,dont bother with cute comments on fb too)

Login on FB

some of the status's make me vomit

" having a blasting time with mishu,rishu,janvi and darling hubby in Kashmir :):) "

" Going to cook dinner for my mommy"

"at movies with friends"

"had an awesome time with friends in XYZ mall..guyzzzz i miss u so much muuuaaaahhhh loveee youuuu hugssss to all <3<3"

pffeeeww i am sick and tired of all this ! Where have all the interesting people vanished from the face of planet Earth ! A few days back a beautiful painting that i had posted on my wall was sneered at,when i write about books,my friends ask me if i am planning to quit dentistry and become "arundhati roy" . Have no will or strength to argue with them. I just smile and think :

What is wrong in wanting different and new from life every day !

Dirty Expectations

Girl 1: hey who is your best-friend ?

Girl 2: (with an air of supreme confidence) : MY BOOKS are my best friends

Girl 1: (laughing with her friends) : really you mean to say you dont have any real friends !!!!!

that bit of conversation happened almost 19 years back and it did leave Girl2 with loads and loads of questions and doubts as to what and why did happen !!! as she had given a perfectly well-crafted answer which was actually a statement written to her by her grandpa in one of his many letters

As high school rolled by girl2 realized that she had been naive in replying to the question,that she had given a 'Miss-India' pageant answer which was actually a 'borrowed' belief

Girl2 subsequently turned out to be a little popular in school as well as in college and had more than a fair share of attention of not only her fellow-mates but also of her teachers. Yeah she did start thinking it was too childish of her to give that answer pffurrr what was she even thinking !!! But here she is almost 19 years later pondering over whether she actually got the answer right the first time around !!

Even at the risk of sounding needy i would say that i find a life without my friends unfathomable. But there have been times lately when i had wanted to talk to someone,and had found no-one around me to share my cup with. And then what i had done is to actually turn over the beautiful pages of a book,and allowed it to keep me company for the time

With the realization that my answer was not wrong but it was just the dish that i hadnt cooked !!! I in my time of need now turn to the pages of 'The Kite Runner' and find my respite therein

Finding a New You

In Aristotelian Logic, there is a Law of Excluded Middle which says, "A Thing can either BE or NOT BE at a given point in time. There is no intermediate possibility". Does this apply to Life too?

stripped down to our bare minimum i am realizing that all of us actually belong to one side or the other,there are no onlookers. we were always send to and meant to be the players not to be sittin and perching on the fence with our asses rested up against it

for a long time of my life,which is 30 years of it FYI,i always thought the buddhist concept of the 'Middle path' is the most practical and peacefull way to live our lives, its only now i realize that actually it isnt any of those,infact the reason why it's favoured so much by people is because it's convenient !

you teach yourself that if taking sides taks some pain and effort then u always have "D Middle Path"

'eff'ing nonsense there isnt any !

either i can be a sickly coward who is too scared to identify my own needs and ending up leading my own life as per somone else's rules or i could be a rebel and end up livivg my life of my own making !

we all hav to make a choice and i pretty much hav made mine

HNY to me,you and one and all

Beginning

its valentine day guys !!!
i think it's a wondrful time to appreciate d love we'v found in our lives !!
life's great
lets not waste d min's by cribbing bout d way things shud hav been