A Colony of Ants

Sleep is a precious little thing nowadays. More than anything somedays i desire a night of peaceful bliss called sleep.

Offlate i am finding it increasingly difficult to live all by myself.Almost as if i know how dangerous it would be if ever i am left alone with this monster called "Me". The thought of meeting myself alone somewhere in a dark deserted alley sends chill down my spine,and in order to avoid that confrontation i do everything humanly possible to keep my mind occupied.

So i spend my days in a daze,mechanically going about,from one activity to another,waking up..working..driving..eating...breathing...everything that goes unaccounted for

Every single moment that i presume i could be free,i fill it up with reading or writing,piles and piles of it..mounds one over another..to hide off what i am trying so hard to hide from the world and from me ! Not finding anything else at hand,i once ended up reading a complete page of "sunday times matrimonial" and also played match-maker aunt to atleast 4 couples who seemed to be perfect for each other(atleast on paper)

My parents nowadays invariably find me perched up on my sofa-chair reading a book online or penning my diary or writing my blog.

Night i drag my tired-self to bed and earnestly wish for a sweet night sleep.But not taking any risks,so there i lie down with my bed-side lamp on and a book in my hand.When i do feel a little sleepy finally, n..e..v..e..r i get up to switch off the lamp and risk waking me up ! instead i just tug at the wire and pull of the darn switch out from the socket.

During those jolty bursts of sleep i am fully aware of the ants..crawling,bustling,shuffling from point a to point b.Some purposefully but rest not so. I shake up my head to scatter those ants eager to find as to what they are crawling on.But no matter how hard i try they tenaciously stick to something underneath.That's when i realize those ants are the thoughts crawling all over my brain in crazy frenzy,scuttling around and i just pray to good Lord if they could rest for a little while so i might have just one night of that blissful peace called sleep.

Never Belittle Love

.......so is a chapter in "Life is what you make it" by Preeti shenoy.

I find it increasingly impossible to put to rest my anguish and longing of finding someone who would put all my questions and long waits to rest.

How many of us are actually trapped in relationships that gives us more misery than joy ! I know i was ! For what it was worth there were many good moments too,but then again a relationship doesn't survive on past,it survives on fresh breath from 'today'....from 'now' ! If its dead now,it doesn't matter how beautiful face it had yesterday !

We try all in our might to make it work. We are constantly in a Tug-of-war with destiny,and it always ends the way destiny wants it to !

But the die hard optimist that we women are, we never cease looking for 'the perfect one'.From person to person we find our refuge,we shelter our broken hearts,lick our own wounds and begin the quest yet again.

Once in a while we do come across someone who seems perfect,i did...and for the first time i didn't care how much he earns(yes it does matter every other time,i confess even at the risk of sounding bitchy) because i felt with him i won't need money to be happy.But then again karma is a bitch and he calls up and says he simply doesn't have time for a relationship ! What do u do ! You keep a smile plastered at your face and say 'its ok' and u even appreciate his honesty,you might even manage a chuckle to emphasize your Devil-may-care attitude but in all honesty whats happening is that your heart is shattering into a million little pieces,and u wonder if ever you would muster up courage to believe those three little dastardly words again..

Silly Me

One thing that i have no idea about is: How to fit into female talks.

I am not using the term 'girly' in here because i mean all kinds of talks that females of varying age indulge in. I don't see myself fitting in any one of those !

I have outgrown girls who are bothered about just boys or their display pics a long back,so i skip talking about them.Starting from my own age i have no interest in continuous ramblings about newer and brighter avenues of shopping in town,or hip coffee joints.

Worse kind of group of girls who are recently engaged or soon to be married,they don't have anything better to talk about than where to get best price for silk brocades or the best designs for saree blouses.These kinds bore me to death and i find them highly repulsive or as my brother likes to call "toxic"

Next come the recently married kinds, who keep on continuously posting their pics from "honeymooning in Goa" with all the snapshots of short floral dresses n even skimpier shorts,and you don't need to look harder to get a snapshot of a little more than that too! And mind you,they don't even miss a single comment on any of their pictures and would religiously reply to each and every one of them,as if not doing that is crime punishable by law.

And last but not the least our very own mummy-talks,where there is a set of complaint for every genre ranging from milkman to gardener to maids and even one set for daddy dears.

Yes it's true i find myself not gelling well in any of these places. And have no clue as to where to go.

What is Wrong

My life is easy,simple,straight and boring.

Morning at gym

aunty no1: hey hai..u lukin so cute in this pink tee !

me: (stifling a yawn) o'thanks,it's an old one

aunty no2: hey did u lose some weight or not ?

me: umm...i guess i did

aunty no2: (least bothered in my reply) hey u know i just lost 700gm in 3 days :( God i am so upset !

me:(luking at aunty no2 because it seems hard to find out where from she had managed to lose those 700gm ! she looks as in shape as JLo to me !)

aunty no1: (seething with jealousy) really chetna ! Now did you !

me: grabbing this golden opportunity and making a run for my treadmill with my headphones secure.

Later in the morning at hospital

same old routine repeating itself day in and day out

A tooth decay comes into my cabin

A tooth decay is filled in and sent out

pyorrhea comes into my cabin

pyorrhea gets cleaned and go out

Texts from friends

Hey mandy how are you,where are you buddy ? long time no see ! u know i went to bombay last week,had a blast yarr,check out my pics on facebook na,see my blue floral dress too

(hmm....i delete the texts,dont bother replyin,dont bother with cute comments on fb too)

Login on FB

some of the status's make me vomit

" having a blasting time with mishu,rishu,janvi and darling hubby in Kashmir :):) "

" Going to cook dinner for my mommy"

"at movies with friends"

"had an awesome time with friends in XYZ mall..guyzzzz i miss u so much muuuaaaahhhh loveee youuuu hugssss to all <3<3"

pffeeeww i am sick and tired of all this ! Where have all the interesting people vanished from the face of planet Earth ! A few days back a beautiful painting that i had posted on my wall was sneered at,when i write about books,my friends ask me if i am planning to quit dentistry and become "arundhati roy" . Have no will or strength to argue with them. I just smile and think :

What is wrong in wanting different and new from life every day !

Just make me smile...and Love you even more..

This bit of post is for You...i know there isn't any chance of you reading it,at least not yet ! But i can't even begin to say how thankful i am,that you are a part of my life. My little piece of sunshine,my own handful of free sky.

Thanks for being my buddy,you have supported me,when no one else would.You have loved me,when no one else could.

Kiss my A**

I am a non-impervious being,my state of mind reflects in me..completely and totally.And i hate that.

I tend to people's teeth,even if you consider it of minimal importance,but i do work 'on' them,how am i supposed to do my job with a broken heart ! Certain days i don't even like to talk to anybody and even slightest contact with human race seems irksome,i have no idea what the hell i am grieving for ! Something that i never possessed !

I hate myself for falling prey to someone's sweet talk. They think very clever and witty of themselves,talking to girls and making us believe that they mean it all ! To hell with them all ! No mister it's not a matter of winning ! We are not trophies to be won and displayed for the world to see. We like you, are hominids too ! With our only fault being, that we believed it when you said "Trust me,i wont break your heart". So where are you now ? what ? So much for not breaking my heart ! I cant even find all the pieces for now ! People please if you may just move your feet,so that i could find pieces of my dear broken heart,careful don't trample on one of it,lest i lose it forever..

A 69 Day Affair

How do you know someone for a certain period of time and then 'unknow' them after that !

Tediously bit by bit you build up your journey,little minutes,tiny seconds,bits of texts and few phone conversations,these are the things that help you build a person in your mind,a person whom you begin to like,even love on certain levels. And then one fine day,just like that,it's over.

On that side of the 'fated' day he was a person,his family,his work,his moods everything mattered to you and on this side of the day he becomes a thing of past.You remember him like u remember watching a b/w film in childhood..old,bygone,one that would remain in your memory forever etched but also cherished (i hope!)

But no complaints there,after all, life teaches you something in every little twist and tale.And i am just beginning to sit and listen to what life has been saying to me all along.

I had always dreamt of meeting someone like you,and i am happy that i did meet you,but for a short few steps.

All that remains is:

Hiding from the rain and snow

trying to forget but i wont let go

luking at a crowded street

listening to my own heart beat

So many people

all around the world

Tell me where do i find

someone like you girl

Take me to your heart,take me to your soul

give me your hand,before im old

show me what love is,havent got a clue

show me that wonders can be true

they say nothing lasts forever

we're only here today

Love is now or never

bring me far away.

Take me to your heart

take me to your soul

Give me your hand and hold me

Show me what love is,be my guiding star

Take me to your heart..

This part of my life is called...."Nobody gets me right"

I am sure all of us have felt this way one time or the other,its an edgy phase right ?? your friends don't get u,you find it difficult to communicate with your own family,and in nut shell no one bothers about you,and just don't even get me started about supposed bf/gf,they are the first ones to escape !

and who else to remain faithful and true to you in such times of need than your own 'self'...come to think about it who knows u better than yourselves ! you know all about you,even the dirty dark secrets and still u love yourselves,you still think how you deserve better ! And here i am,when i feel no one gets me,i know one person who would know what i am talking about...and that's me ! My words have the power to keep me company..i have to tap the potential. How and to what extent i do that,depends completely on me.

This part of my life is called....."screwing up me big time"

Mohit, one of my friends had this status last night on his FB wall:

"on a positive note,you are closer to your soul-mate,each time things dont work out with someone else :)"

Is it just me or does anyone else too agree that i do not find anything "positive" in that !!! and just do not even get me started at that little smiley at the end of this sentence,as if sneering at me from behind its all fake and linear cape. well i was in no mood of arguing with him at midnight,so just left it to be,the only thing i mentioned was 'What if,there isn't any !!'

And that is all i wonder nowadays...'What if there isn't any!!!'

Damn you all Cinderalla's,Snow white's,Rapunzul's and scores of other fairy tales on whose regular diets we had grown up,spending all our sweet childhood believing that someday there definitely would be a 'Prince Charming' and he would love us unconditionally for what we are and that our life would be an escapade of a humongous romance.

Come college and we realize that "prince Charming" belongs to the species of "Santa" and "Tooth fairy" and well he certainly isn't coming...so we dream of meeting a nice guy,and i sorted out my list to have at least a decent,honest,smart,attractive guy who should definitely have a good sense of humour.

A few years and a degree later i realize that even those are hard to land,and i further shortened my list to a guy who s decently settled,earns just enough,actually can shoulder family responsibilities,and u can just hope wish and pray that he would be honest enough to at least be truthful to you.

Few years paas by and then its time again to shorten my list and which hardly remains something of a list now,because i just want "someone" with at least an "XY" chromosome !

And today i am particularly so much pissed off that i want to sue all of my grandmoms for telling me those stories of "happily-ever-after's" . What the heck i could sue off all the Cinderalla's and the Snow-white's in the world too !!!

Its should be a crime punishable by law to make innocent moisty eyed girls believe that all this junk could be true,that there could be in fact a "happily-ever-after" for them too !!

Despicable me

Absolutely dislike myself in this state,i had always hated being so edgy or needy but i guess some days are just not meant to be !!

t'was a boring sunday today right from the word 'go'. Got up and had two large cups of tea with 'the times' of past three days on terrace to keep me company. Noon came and i skipped lunch to concentrate hard on a long forgotten book of Nora Roberts that i had started but had never kept pace with....failed attempt,next i had a nasty nap,followed by cups of tea with texting,surfing,trying hard to read and realizing that i have no idea of the movie i am watching except that it starred Keira knightley !!

finally i gave in,switched off the tv,slammed the book shut,switched off my phone and sat down with my blog. (after losing my first post and rewriting it again) i have realized that one of these days we have to get up and start taking care of ourselves. The sooner the lesson is learnt...the bettr it's for us :)

Am i......!!

"There is only one sin...only one,and that is theft.Every other sin is a variation of that" : The Kite Runner

While my logic confirms it to be true,i wonder if that makes me a sinner too,and in fact makes me a sinner many many times. I cannot say for sure if i have never stolen someone else's right to truth by lying,or someone else's right to fairness by a little cheat,or someone else's right to be happy by not telling them the truth. Wish someday i would at least be able to do a single act of kindness that would make me proud in my own eyes.

The Desperate Me

One of the many ways dictionary defines 'desperate' as an adjective is : showing extreme urgency or intensity especially because of great need or desire as in a do-or-die conflict !!!

Never before in my whole life had i felt this urge to 'create' something,this constant rambling of my heart and mind has been distracting to the point that i find it difficult to think even two-bit-straight. It feels odd as i don't find this to be a recent discovery but actually a long lost realization as if from a dream..a lifetime back,a deja vu that wants me to realize something,but everytime i come to the edge of the realization and then seem to stare into 'nothingness' . I know i have got to create something and its not just as if i have to cook...or write a good blog....or like some of my friends would naughtily suggest...'babies' !!! No its the purpose of my life itself that eludes me this time. But i am going to find it....and wont rest until then

Variable Constants

Change - nobody likes it,actually we hate it...and hate it to such an extent that we scowl and scamper and resist with all our might and fight against it and it really doesn't matter how many times we might have heard that "change is the only constant thing in the world"

i hate d scenario when people change,their attitude towards us change,our importance in their lives change,or their priorities change it doesn't matter but my little devilish ego gets hurt when i sigh and finally find out that i might not be d same important person for them that i once was !!!

but why do i concentrate so much on them that i forget the real important person in the deal...that's me !! what if this change is actually bringing something good onto my way !!! what if it is actually giving me an opportunity to grow on myself....when i think of this the only image that comes into my mind is that of the caterpillar 'Absolem' in 'Alice in Wonderland',its not a pretty site when he's dying but he is wise enough to understand that its a phase. So let me rest in peace that whatever it might be that's changing in my world, it sure will bring some good things my way

Dirty Expectations

Girl 1: hey who is your best-friend ?

Girl 2: (with an air of supreme confidence) : MY BOOKS are my best friends

Girl 1: (laughing with her friends) : really you mean to say you dont have any real friends !!!!!

that bit of conversation happened almost 19 years back and it did leave Girl2 with loads and loads of questions and doubts as to what and why did happen !!! as she had given a perfectly well-crafted answer which was actually a statement written to her by her grandpa in one of his many letters

As high school rolled by girl2 realized that she had been naive in replying to the question,that she had given a 'Miss-India' pageant answer which was actually a 'borrowed' belief

Girl2 subsequently turned out to be a little popular in school as well as in college and had more than a fair share of attention of not only her fellow-mates but also of her teachers. Yeah she did start thinking it was too childish of her to give that answer pffurrr what was she even thinking !!! But here she is almost 19 years later pondering over whether she actually got the answer right the first time around !!

Even at the risk of sounding needy i would say that i find a life without my friends unfathomable. But there have been times lately when i had wanted to talk to someone,and had found no-one around me to share my cup with. And then what i had done is to actually turn over the beautiful pages of a book,and allowed it to keep me company for the time

With the realization that my answer was not wrong but it was just the dish that i hadnt cooked !!! I in my time of need now turn to the pages of 'The Kite Runner' and find my respite therein

Finding a New You

In Aristotelian Logic, there is a Law of Excluded Middle which says, "A Thing can either BE or NOT BE at a given point in time. There is no intermediate possibility". Does this apply to Life too?

stripped down to our bare minimum i am realizing that all of us actually belong to one side or the other,there are no onlookers. we were always send to and meant to be the players not to be sittin and perching on the fence with our asses rested up against it

for a long time of my life,which is 30 years of it FYI,i always thought the buddhist concept of the 'Middle path' is the most practical and peacefull way to live our lives, its only now i realize that actually it isnt any of those,infact the reason why it's favoured so much by people is because it's convenient !

you teach yourself that if taking sides taks some pain and effort then u always have "D Middle Path"

'eff'ing nonsense there isnt any !

either i can be a sickly coward who is too scared to identify my own needs and ending up leading my own life as per somone else's rules or i could be a rebel and end up livivg my life of my own making !

we all hav to make a choice and i pretty much hav made mine

HNY to me,you and one and all