Did a strange thing today..while walking from room to kitchen,passing through lobby i stopped to see me in the mirror..ok i looked fine in this pink salwar-kameez(nomatter what anyone says how i look) and along with a pink bindi(i actually looked pretty#selfindulgentme) so i ended up giving me a dazzzling smile. Much like they show in that 'Amway advertisement'.

Its nothing new,but it felt so good believe me that i was surprised that why hadnt i done that before. Not that i was particularly happy or anything,on the contrary i was a little perplexed. Not even downright gloomy,but just not glad. But when we keep the one person who we are supposed to keep happy (ourselves) the results are startling !

Suddenly what someone/anyone thinks of you doesnt matter anymore. Whether you are alone or have a partner to share your life doesnt matter anymore. More often than not when i had found myself left alone and desolate i had imagined myself doing so many things that i had always wanted to do. Il share it here today..i always wish to resume back my Kathak classes; the other thing that i am dying to do is to lay my hands on a violin. Always imagined...always dreamt of doing that ! Once in a while when i hear Daisy in December my madness gets a dose of renewal :D

So just one me and so many things that i wish to do ! But i would. One of these days il do all that...and read and jog the streets and take random snaps and do all of that. One of these days...very soon.

Your heart is where your treasure is

Dressed in beautiful red attire of a bride,hands of henna adorned with traditional bangles,looking as demure as the rain poring in from the sky, she stared into nothingness.

Married for but just 40 days now, she waited for her husband to call her. She hadnt seen him in a month and today he had failed to call for some reason that she didnt know of. Cry..that she cudnt do, so that was what the skies were doing for her. 'Keep heart..he would call for sure' was all she kept on telling herself but the truth being that she hadnt longed for anything much more than that in all her life. 

She would work all day. The music of her anklets resounding in the home,where she was left behind. Left behind to think..left behind to wait. Often her kohl lined eyes would see beyond the walls of this house to the place where 'he' was. 'He' who had married her and vowed to be with her for the rest of their life,but cudnt be found anywhere now. 

With eyes as red as the crimson on her forehead today she prayed for her wait to come to an end. Sleep when came,came with the dreams of a beautiful exotic place. Tall skyscrapers that make people gape at them with wonder . Seas so vast and exquisite that people would be mystified by their beauty. Lovely streets lined with cafes that make mornings fresh with scent of coffee heavy in the air. She would take a deep breath to take in the aroma of the city,she would drink in the beauty of this city with her eyes.

But most of all this would be a city where she would be happiest in the world. The city where 'he' is. For the heart is where your treasure is. And just when she was turning around to gaze into the most beautiful pair of eyes that she had ever seen...she heard someone shouting in distance..."Wake up sister..its your time to visit Melbourne NOW" 

And before she knew, off she was on the plane to be with the love of her life. To the most exotic city of Melbourne. The city which she would adore for all the years to come..

www.visitmelbourne.com/in  This post is written as an official entry to Indivine Blogger Contest titled under "Its your time to visit Melbourne now"

There i find my own-self

hidden in dilapidated dark

so retreated from world around

at the exact moment when i am dreaming but am also awake

Beautifully red,prettily pink

coloured bangles and painted nails

but then why the spirit shattered within ?

Curled and groaning with painful loneliness

no not a shelter,it needs freedom

no not a status,it needs love

With a boltning smile of painted lips

dressed in shattered dreams

with hope behind a veil of tears

every heart beats and bleeds for warmth

And you wait, keep waiting for that one thing
which would infinitely enrich your life:
the powerful, uniquely uncommon,
the awakening of dormant stones,
depths that would reveal you to yourself.

Many many many hours of my day i spend looking for something that inspires me. Something that stirs my soul,something that ignites it,flames it up. And then once in a while when i read something like Rilke i find myself in that little happy place in my heart,curled up into a ball and swaying and swinging happily into oblivion. For the past hour after my morning walk,i had read 'Letters to a Young Poet' and am filled with immense praise for this german poet ! Will read whatever i can find of him.

It is such a rarity to find something precious to read,something that i would lock up in the little treasure-box of my heart and cherish for years to come ! Most of the times,even while working in the kitchen or driving, my thoughts would wander to places and desperately search for something that quenches my soul. And when such happens, more often than not il turn to poets like Rumi,Mary lou or Saahir ludhianvi and take a big refreshing swig for my parched up self from their immensely beautiful writings.

Rilke made my day and am off to start this morning with a tiny bit of sunshine that lights me up from the inside and keeps me glowing for many many more moments to come.

Just when we think that life has become an ass cracking rigmarole and threads of deceit and treachery wind too tight for us to untangle life/God/fate call what u may,gives us a chance to set it straight and fair. I lost my handbag at delhi station while coming home this time. I lost just the appropriate amount of valuables to make me sit and think what made that happen. I have been travelling alone since 11 years and had never made a single mistake but why then this time. Had something crept up into me that made me do wrong and hence in this way life had wiped off my slate clean and gave me an opportunity to start afresh and untainted !

By no means i am justifying the actions of one who had done this. "Stealing" is the only kind of sin,this i read somewhere. So did i too steal from someone ! This i wondered. Anything taken that doesnt belong to us is stealing. Also denying someone of their justful right is stealing. Lying to someone is stealth. Because in that way we are stealing away the other person's right to know the truth. Treating people rudely is a kind of stealth,we then steal their right to be treated with respect.

All the journey from delhi to my home i had plenty of time to think about whether i too had stolen from someone and made someone feel like i felt then,cheated and violated ! I had a few important things in the bag but that somehow that didnt bother me much. I have forgotten those 'important' things now. All my phones,my purse with the hand written note "Lord is my shepherd...i shall never be in need"....all that seems to be a thing of the past now. I wish something good comes out from it for someone somewhere in need.

Marriage has made me more grounded. I am taking in the few very rare qualities of my MIL. One month with her has made me quiet,sober,very patient and much stronger in life sustaining faith. I am happy and very lucky to have someone like her in my life,its just the way she goes on about her day that makes me imbibe the goodness ever present around us. To never get upset with people and to be ever kind and pleasant is a great challenge in today's fast and furious life. But there couldnt be a greater accomplishment than that too i am sure. Staying with her also did give me a lot of insight into why's and how's of my hubby's nature :) a healthy perk i must say ! So if you really wanna get to know your hubby better, look closely into your mum-in-laws: my piece of advice :)

Life's treating me good, for the most part of it. No complaints no regrets now. That taught me, just because i started my race late doesnt mean i cant run it and finish it well. Happy and contended to be wherever i am today and thats a big treat for my little heart.

Giving very little time for my writing but a new life consumes so much of the life with such a voracious gluttony that its hard to imagine that "all" of this is actually happenning with me !! But so far so good :)

Sorry for making any of you read thid crappy post but i had to remind myself to write,which is a little troublesome without my laptop and a phone just manages to scrap at the edge of comfortable blogging. But in any case still reading inbetween breakfast of parathas and lunch of idlis :) Savouring the taste of Rushdie's Midnight's Children which is both spicy and savoury :) yumm

So a very delightful ciao to my blog until my next login..

....i dream

Rising waves and crashing tides

blue waters in the skies

drizzling..dribbling....or in huge bulks

life hauls forward no matter what

Eyes fixed on heaven and feet on ground

with waves around and their sound

not within sight nor within reach

just my tender poor heart besieged

to fly like a bird not to float like a feather

that is all the tiny dream i have..

Beginnings

I have been yearning for a lot of things lately. A lot of normal simple things. Yearning to have a peaceful sleep without being anxious or apprehensive. Yearning to sit on my porch and finish that half-read salman rushdie. Yearning to have a sumptuous meal or a mug of late night coffee without having to worry about fitting into the expensive dresses on my D-day. Damn i am scared shitless about that :)

New feelings. The first ones for me. Have been living my life in a pair of jeans,running between workouts,market shopping sprees and my clinic. Sadly i am not concentrating well in any of these places because my mind always seem to seep and pour out to many different compartments these days.

Its not just dressing up and looking pretty that day its the day of new beginnings,its the first day of the rest of my life. And its a life that is not of my choosing. Hence the anxious me. Strangely some people might not understand how i feel now,exactly seven days before my marriage. What i feel is not sad neither happy. Not extremely overjoyed nor troubled. I just feel.....and find myself praying that i be helped and eased into the new "roles" that i am being dressed up into.

I am happy. Happy for the new life that i have been granted and i pray for to stay blessed the same way.

What Darwin explained..i experienced.

The day i was to leave my home for college....i still remember it as explicitly as it was just yesterday ! I was scared shitless and had to fight with all my might to stop me from soiling my pants,i feel the same today.

The only few differences being that i was slightly dorky bespectacled idealistic girl then and today i am non-spectacled,non-dorky and about 7kg heavier version of the teenager-me. What keeps me going is the fact that if i could make it then i would be able to make through this too. Have been telling myself this over and over again for past few days only that i couldnt make my rectal sphincter understand it !

It is that i keep comparing myself mentally to someone plummeting down into a dark plunge. All dark,groundless,disorienting and mortal. It feels as if someone has just pulled off all the ground beneath my feet. Going all topsy-turvy with heart drumming against my chest and my bile in my mouth i wait for the end of it. How hard i would hit....no idea. 

I wish its a safe landing but the fact is i have always been a little awkward with changes in my life.I am much like a hen in that sense,when i sit comfortably somewhere i dont like anybody coming and ruffing up with me. Change though uncalled for and uncomfortable is the only way to make us into the wholesome beings that we evolve into. The only positive note to this change being is that this stands to be the only conscious decision in my life that i had taken with a single thought in my mind: 'God i trust you,take me where You want me to be,and i will follow Your footsteps all my life' 

I may not understand the situations now,the people now,the events happening around me now but i am sure my God does and He would somehow arrange all these things well to suit me the best. Whatever He brought me through,He brought me closer to Him. Undoubtedly where He is, there shall prevail no fear so the only sure thing that i can do in this day is to place my trust in Him and His everlasting faithfulness.

Divine Providence

Have you ever experienced it ? 

None of us like anyone meddling in our life. Even i didnt. Untill i learnt that divine providence isnt meddling, it is the only way i could be taught some sense. And i learnt it the hard way. Today for the very first time in my life when i prayed today i had nothing to ask for !!! A beggar like me !!!! When i fall short of stuff to ask,it really does mean something,but today i had only thanks to give.

We know the kind of people who pray only in a rush of corticosteroids.....(kind of chemical released by our body when in stress) Many of us do belong to the category ourselves.Fear,fight and flight are the only three times we ever join our hands and become beggars now and then,and that too ungrateful ones. The truth is there is a bigger picture.

Years back i prayed for somethings to happen,and i prayed ardently. I prayed with all that i have. Denied i turned bitter and disappointed. At times believing myself to be utterly stupid to believe in Special Providence. It took a lot of time for me to hope again. To hope for something good to happen in my misery sodden life. All my previous posts bear the testimonies to the Hope that i had in Him and trust in His faithfulness.

And this post stand as a proof to it. The only reason i write of His providence is to remind me later some time in my life that He is perfectly able to clean any shit that i had knowingly/unknowingly caused in my life. And if any of you get some of that hope seeped into your senses then that too would be His grace.

When i look at the larger picture today i see why he denied me certain things and why i needed time for correction. And i am also grateful for the pains taken..the lessons emblazoned into me...and the virtue of obedience hence taught. He had discarded everything that i thought would be of utmost importance to me and handed me something far more precious and divine.

Things of this world does not matter. He did provide me all that too though but above all He taught me to trust Him,come what may and to bow down to His command without even an iota of doubt. He promised me a future filled with hope and He stands by His word till this day.

The light at the end of the tunnel that i always used to talk about in my posts...is in sight now :).....by His grace. God's guidance is like a torchlight in a dark tunnel,it might not show you everything but it does show you just enough to take the next step.

The Promise

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Storm in a pond

Just when you think all is ok...all is well and you can sit back and relax, someone throws a stone into your quiet little pond of life and create ripples in it. Disrupt the calm of your life and then we start the process of churning it all the more by thinking of all the past and before you know..it's a raging storm.

And that poor pond of my life is nothing but engulfed in this storm. In the scheme of a larger picture my life is just a handful of ticking seconds bestowed upon me and it is my only chance to make something out of my life. But these stones hurled towards me ! They take away from me all that i put in so much efforts and time to build.

I dont want to remember anything that i should have forgotten long ago. Neither do i need any help,two-bit advice or sympathy in doing that. I am perfectly equipped to take care of my messy life affairs. I am raged. Raged at people thinking that their meddling could make it better.

Sociopath,call me that if you want,but i really dont feel like talking to people who are there in my life for their privilege,talk when they want,call at their fancy and care when they feel like. Where does that leave me in the equation !!! Oh it is said rightly when you push people away carelessly you never know whether they are gonna miss you or learn to live without you.

My little pond got ruffled. Got ruffled bad. But writing calms me and brings me to my senses. Now i get it why people are so attached to their blogs,some of us find this is the only place where we get to talk. To really say what we feel. No niceties,no sugar-coats. I dont care who reads it. All i care about is how it makes me feel. Just saying something without knowing if somebody would lend an ear to me. *Pity* but atleast i know what to expect of it. Atleast i know now that there isnt anyone to hold me when i fall. I fall,i get bruised,cry a bit,dust myself up,try to get up again. Process is simple,durable and unfailing.

The more you depend on people the more you are disappointed and the maths is screwed up, there it goes exponentially. No more shoulders to cry on,just shed the fucking tears in the pile of rubbish where you have managed to land up and move on(note: whoever said that your tears are precious,was screwing up with you real bad) It is tough job but learn it sooner than later.

Be possessive about your little pond. Guard it with your life. Keep your own fish and frogs happy. The moment you share it with an outsider you are gonna lose all the serenity and wound up drowning in your own pond...breathless dead and alone.

Far and about

Many a times those who happen to read my blog tell me that i write of pain,misery,loneliness blah blah blah and they sort of complain that i rarely write about the good stuff. So today when i am feeling sunshin'y i thought il try and pen up something.

Like everybody else my words flow potentially powerfully and with a writer's rage only when i am troubled. It's very much like churning of a storm or a twister that really does bring the clutter together. All the awesome bloggers that i see here are somehow or the other so messed up inside,in a way many times i have found myself poetically musing about turning into one of them :)

But only the wearer knows where the shoe pinches so what seems so good and perfect to us must be so difficult for someone. What is a fashion or a culture to us,is actually a means for someone to connect to something(even if it is a virtual world) and hence survive. Personally today i wish all of them peace.

So coming onto the title 'Far and about'. I have no idea why i chose to write it,but it was spontaneous. My life's same,problems are same,afflictions are same so what changes ! Attitude. The one stop answer for everything. Detaching myself from my problems,and standing and seeing them from afar they dont really seem that monumental,they dont seem deathly scary either. They look more like bumps,minor pitfalls,manageable. For now.

It's easy to deal with anything,if we just keep our eyes fixated on the light at the end of the tunnel. Not a perfect way to go about but that atleast conditions our minds to the fact that there is an end to whatever it is that is tormenting us.

Swimming,driving back home with nice romantic numbers on FM,coming home,hugging my mom,and having hot scrambled eggs for breakfast did make my morning. I dont care who wants to make me feel as what. I refuse to feel small/dwarfed/poorly destined by anyone else. My destiny lies in the hands of a great God and my eyes firmly adhered to the light at the end of this tunnel.

Leaving off

Dreams. Coming in frequent and coming bad...mostly. I happen to dream a lot nowadays. Wonder why ! Might be because i am sleeping a lot (its solar hot here in rajasthan) but i mostly dream of my friends. Dream of seeing some,dream of missing some.

A weight sort of lifted off from me today. It is rightly said taking a decision in your head is the most difficult part. Implementing it is a piece of cake. There are two conflicting views that i wish to write here and also try to grasp it better if anyone of you care to help me out. We all have heard a phrase that when you are about to give up on something remember the reason why you held up to it for so long ! But i never truly get it. What if the semantics of the relationship has changed ! What if now it is not what it had been before.

There is absolutely no use of dragging any relationship that has run its course and is on the verge of death. Well sometimes we girls even have a habit of dragging them beyond the limit. What's the use ! Will; you ever be happy again. Probably Not. Then why should it be so difficult to leave off the things and grasp the new ones.

Untill we empty our hands of stuff we do not want how will we ever have space for stuff that we actually wish for ! It is easy and less painful to just grab and pull off the bandage. Undoubtedly. In my view thinking of my happiness first is not selfishness. I tried to be selfless and giving for years and years before,i didnt get anything in hand out of that. Every place (except my family) where i had toiled to be selfless and giving i had failed miserably.

Though it doesnt feel like some magnificent transformation but believe me it does feel lighter. No grudges,no complaints,no excuses,no returns. What's given is given. If you have lost something it's ok,may be you needed to be parted from it to become this what you are today.

War

Its a raging war,all of it. All of it that we are going through. Like the war issue on Nat Geo that i am watching now. Life is just the same,there is a war within,war for survival,war for love,war for care,and we lose a lot in this war. We lose money,our hard earned money,and we also lose peace. We lose our control on our lives.

There our bombardments within that is shredding into pieces our emotional attire. I feel lost both in direction and purpose. How the hell do we get so reckless and make the mistake of trusting. There is no place in this world for people who can and do trust on people,who make and keep their friendships against all odds,who put comfort of others before their own. There is no place for selfless idiots in this world.

You ought to be selfish. You ought to be able to be manipulative. You ought to be able to make people happy with fuzzy warm shells of empty words. Whats the need of actually doing something for someone when all you need to do is to make up nice words. I can make up words. I can learn to be shallow too and act to sympathize. That's all that is needed and that would be enough.

There isnt any place in my heart or in my life for others. I am selfish and its gonna be just me from now.