What makes a person so irresistible to you that you would be drawn to him/her constantly. Like a distant chime of a bell-tower you know you need to go there. You need to drink from that pool ! You need to wash yourselves of all the mindless useless things you had been doing for a couple of days/weeks/any period of time ! Call it love ! n'aaah that's too strong a word. Or too light,may be...who knows ! We dont love a person,we love certain traits. I say traits because they might or might not be qualities,per se. I happen to love integrity. Integrity. Sounds a very heavy-duty stuff. Right ? I didnt know or understand the real meaning of the word up until a few days back,let alone have known that i could love someone for that. Nothing draws me more to a man than his integrity. There it is. Having said it,i also admit that i havent met many men of integrity. Till late i used to believe that it was honesty. I guess it isnt. Integrity is honesty combined with the virtue of being whole,undivided,pure. It isnt easy to be around such people. And so i guess there arent many such people left around. As parents,teachers,siblings and peers we society have always strived to crush it like a dangerous monster.One to be feared,not nurtured.We have done a pretty darn good job at strangulating them,suffocating them and finally eliminating them.

Pity. Have you ever felt it? That cripple on the railway platform that hasent washed himself in ages. That lady dressed in tatters with a cachexic child sellling (or trying to sell) something that nobody virtually needs. That boy cleaning the floor of the railway coach with a piece of cloth that doubles as his shirt. Do you feel pity for them? I dont. And i feel anger for anyone who looks at them with this sight that smears pity on their faces. Why? Why and how dare we feel pity for an another human being !! Give what you have. But not because you feel pity for them,but because act of giving itself is a great pleasure. Give not for them,but for your own sake. 

No idea why i had to write all this up. I dont even care if anyone finds time to read it,understands it or even tries to understand it. Just like the act of giving,i had to write this not for anyone,but for me.

Passion. Meaning. Belonging. Pain...a gut wrenching one !...a pain borne out of love.

Ever experienced any of it ? It takes lots of misery to be able to understand these words. To grasp their knowledge,in individuality as well as in entirety. A love so strong and deep that not only it pulls you to it,but also it repels everything and everone away from it.

Passion,that makes you want to cut out your innards if that's what it would take to satisfy it. I am surprised if anyone feels that way sometimes. And i wonder how do they live with themselves if they dont !

To live with the world: easy. Hard task master is the one who knows to live with himself.

Nice,right !

I loved the way it is so easily contemplated ! Not that i havent read something like this before,but its just that the way it ends... is so amusing ! All our life depends on our 'perception' !

Why do we think that our problems,our situations will not change for good? How can our problems be permanent when even our life isn't ! It matters a lot where do we seek solace when our minds are troubled. I dont find it any wise to depend on people,sooner or later everyone gets busy with their lives and the feeling of being left behind is certainly not elating. Developing a hobby that can take our minds off the situation is best. I tried painting,i cant paint anymore now. But that's ok,it helped me while it lasted. Reading is less of a hobby but is rather like a necessity with me,and i fully intend to keep it that way.

The people we relate to,talk to,play an equally important role. Since i have found myself around people who have a positive and lively approach towards life (eg my hubby) it has also had some calming effect on me. This hen does not gets it feathers ruffled for anything in haste now :)

Life's to be savoured,not devoured. Rushing into things is one matter,but resolutely performing things is totally another game. I am changing myself from former to latter. On the reading front i am reading a rather boring and 'badly constructed' Robert Cook,but once i start off with a thriller,there's no stopping me. I have to know the end.. absolutely....yeah that's right ! uff i despise the day i started it. Waiting to switch onto some inspirational read !

I hope we all could see and realize with what a pleasure had our lives started and it is upon us to keep that pleasure alive. To feel the spark in every moment is our obligation.
Peace and joy for everyone around. Good night.

I have so much to say and so little to write ! Its baffling :)

Normally one good/bad/sad/unexpected/miraculous thing would happen to me and i would jump on to my blog at the first opportunity and rest my feelings here. But offlate i had been to so many places have such vivid experiences that it sort of has created a traffic-jam of thought train inside my mind.

But so ardent is my will to pen down atleast something today that i had switched off the Harry potter and the Deathly Hallows PartI at HBO which FYI had never ever happened and is unlikely to happen anytime soon. I love JKR. Period. I dont care if people call her a children's writer or whatever. I just love her,lovvvvve her and lovveeeeee her. :) I guess the child in me would never stop loving her ! Read Blogadda's premium bloggers today and i am getting utterly and progressively disappointed with Blogadda. One of the premium bloggers (wont name her here plz) was all gaga about Preeti Shenoy !!! What a let-down. I barely managed to scrap through a single book of hers and vowed never to read another. But as i mentioned previously in my blog here i find the cattle-breed of authors today very ordinary and un-inspiring.

Well everybody has a right to express their opinions and i respect it, but commenting like a pro on the subject that one knows nothing of,is not very attractive to me. Anyways i think i am very biased with 'Book-blogs'. I love the good ones and get extremely angry (with red ears) at the miserable ones. My favourite blogs are the ones that had probably never been listed or been premium blogs at blogadda. My blog-mother is a married malayali woman staying in London. She probably doesnt know it but i read her blogs for some inspiration now and then. I dont comment much or distribute free ka gyaan at her blog-post out of sheer respect. Sounds weird,but i know she as such has a difficult life and i dont want to complicate things for her. Nevertheless i always stay at a distance,read her,say some silent prayer once in a while and hope that she finds happiness soon.

Yup the most difficult thing in life is to be a spectacle and to stand in front and be judged by people. By some sheer tryst with luck or rather by some fierce miracle :) my life has taken a U-turn. I have never been this happier and relaxed. I am traveling,eating, reading,thinking happy thoughts and thanking God for never once diminishing the ray of hope in my heart. Not even for a second i had let myself believe that things would not change for me. Hope in our heart is a very powerful weapon. Like a magnet it attracts and bring to us all things good and kind.

I am reading at break neck speed hahaaa At present i am reading three books concurrently. Some long back started Nora Roberts, a gripping Ken Follet and a more sombre Fountainhead ! That is one very important reason why i dont write book reviews ! Because at any single time i am residing in the world of so may books,its hard for me to sit and dwell and write about a single one :)

And then again my train journey this time was marvellous. Along with the lovely weather,the mountains rushing by and the ever- lukewarm "hot" tea of pantry of Indian Railways i had company of a music band ! On their way from Amritsar to Mumbai was Money-music group to perform in India's Got Talent and man did they have talent !!! Not only did i thank my stars for not cancelling my reservations for that day and felt lucky but their singing did bring a few tears to me. :)

And yeah the ever sucky power cuts in rajasthan had just killed off my mood to write and its me saying ciao and be happy....read happy :)

Did a strange thing today..while walking from room to kitchen,passing through lobby i stopped to see me in the mirror..ok i looked fine in this pink salwar-kameez(nomatter what anyone says how i look) and along with a pink bindi(i actually looked pretty#selfindulgentme) so i ended up giving me a dazzzling smile. Much like they show in that 'Amway advertisement'.

Its nothing new,but it felt so good believe me that i was surprised that why hadnt i done that before. Not that i was particularly happy or anything,on the contrary i was a little perplexed. Not even downright gloomy,but just not glad. But when we keep the one person who we are supposed to keep happy (ourselves) the results are startling !

Suddenly what someone/anyone thinks of you doesnt matter anymore. Whether you are alone or have a partner to share your life doesnt matter anymore. More often than not when i had found myself left alone and desolate i had imagined myself doing so many things that i had always wanted to do. Il share it here today..i always wish to resume back my Kathak classes; the other thing that i am dying to do is to lay my hands on a violin. Always imagined...always dreamt of doing that ! Once in a while when i hear Daisy in December my madness gets a dose of renewal :D

So just one me and so many things that i wish to do ! But i would. One of these days il do all that...and read and jog the streets and take random snaps and do all of that. One of these days...very soon.

Your heart is where your treasure is

Dressed in beautiful red attire of a bride,hands of henna adorned with traditional bangles,looking as demure as the rain poring in from the sky, she stared into nothingness.

Married for but just 40 days now, she waited for her husband to call her. She hadnt seen him in a month and today he had failed to call for some reason that she didnt know of. Cry..that she cudnt do, so that was what the skies were doing for her. 'Keep heart..he would call for sure' was all she kept on telling herself but the truth being that she hadnt longed for anything much more than that in all her life. 

She would work all day. The music of her anklets resounding in the home,where she was left behind. Left behind to think..left behind to wait. Often her kohl lined eyes would see beyond the walls of this house to the place where 'he' was. 'He' who had married her and vowed to be with her for the rest of their life,but cudnt be found anywhere now. 

With eyes as red as the crimson on her forehead today she prayed for her wait to come to an end. Sleep when came,came with the dreams of a beautiful exotic place. Tall skyscrapers that make people gape at them with wonder . Seas so vast and exquisite that people would be mystified by their beauty. Lovely streets lined with cafes that make mornings fresh with scent of coffee heavy in the air. She would take a deep breath to take in the aroma of the city,she would drink in the beauty of this city with her eyes.

But most of all this would be a city where she would be happiest in the world. The city where 'he' is. For the heart is where your treasure is. And just when she was turning around to gaze into the most beautiful pair of eyes that she had ever seen...she heard someone shouting in distance..."Wake up sister..its your time to visit Melbourne NOW" 

And before she knew, off she was on the plane to be with the love of her life. To the most exotic city of Melbourne. The city which she would adore for all the years to come..

www.visitmelbourne.com/in  This post is written as an official entry to Indivine Blogger Contest titled under "Its your time to visit Melbourne now"

There i find my own-self

hidden in dilapidated dark

so retreated from world around

at the exact moment when i am dreaming but am also awake

Beautifully red,prettily pink

coloured bangles and painted nails

but then why the spirit shattered within ?

Curled and groaning with painful loneliness

no not a shelter,it needs freedom

no not a status,it needs love

With a boltning smile of painted lips

dressed in shattered dreams

with hope behind a veil of tears

every heart beats and bleeds for warmth

And you wait, keep waiting for that one thing
which would infinitely enrich your life:
the powerful, uniquely uncommon,
the awakening of dormant stones,
depths that would reveal you to yourself.

Many many many hours of my day i spend looking for something that inspires me. Something that stirs my soul,something that ignites it,flames it up. And then once in a while when i read something like Rilke i find myself in that little happy place in my heart,curled up into a ball and swaying and swinging happily into oblivion. For the past hour after my morning walk,i had read 'Letters to a Young Poet' and am filled with immense praise for this german poet ! Will read whatever i can find of him.

It is such a rarity to find something precious to read,something that i would lock up in the little treasure-box of my heart and cherish for years to come ! Most of the times,even while working in the kitchen or driving, my thoughts would wander to places and desperately search for something that quenches my soul. And when such happens, more often than not il turn to poets like Rumi,Mary lou or Saahir ludhianvi and take a big refreshing swig for my parched up self from their immensely beautiful writings.

Rilke made my day and am off to start this morning with a tiny bit of sunshine that lights me up from the inside and keeps me glowing for many many more moments to come.

Just when we think that life has become an ass cracking rigmarole and threads of deceit and treachery wind too tight for us to untangle life/God/fate call what u may,gives us a chance to set it straight and fair. I lost my handbag at delhi station while coming home this time. I lost just the appropriate amount of valuables to make me sit and think what made that happen. I have been travelling alone since 11 years and had never made a single mistake but why then this time. Had something crept up into me that made me do wrong and hence in this way life had wiped off my slate clean and gave me an opportunity to start afresh and untainted !

By no means i am justifying the actions of one who had done this. "Stealing" is the only kind of sin,this i read somewhere. So did i too steal from someone ! This i wondered. Anything taken that doesnt belong to us is stealing. Also denying someone of their justful right is stealing. Lying to someone is stealth. Because in that way we are stealing away the other person's right to know the truth. Treating people rudely is a kind of stealth,we then steal their right to be treated with respect.

All the journey from delhi to my home i had plenty of time to think about whether i too had stolen from someone and made someone feel like i felt then,cheated and violated ! I had a few important things in the bag but that somehow that didnt bother me much. I have forgotten those 'important' things now. All my phones,my purse with the hand written note "Lord is my shepherd...i shall never be in need"....all that seems to be a thing of the past now. I wish something good comes out from it for someone somewhere in need.

Marriage has made me more grounded. I am taking in the few very rare qualities of my MIL. One month with her has made me quiet,sober,very patient and much stronger in life sustaining faith. I am happy and very lucky to have someone like her in my life,its just the way she goes on about her day that makes me imbibe the goodness ever present around us. To never get upset with people and to be ever kind and pleasant is a great challenge in today's fast and furious life. But there couldnt be a greater accomplishment than that too i am sure. Staying with her also did give me a lot of insight into why's and how's of my hubby's nature :) a healthy perk i must say ! So if you really wanna get to know your hubby better, look closely into your mum-in-laws: my piece of advice :)

Life's treating me good, for the most part of it. No complaints no regrets now. That taught me, just because i started my race late doesnt mean i cant run it and finish it well. Happy and contended to be wherever i am today and thats a big treat for my little heart.

Giving very little time for my writing but a new life consumes so much of the life with such a voracious gluttony that its hard to imagine that "all" of this is actually happenning with me !! But so far so good :)

Sorry for making any of you read thid crappy post but i had to remind myself to write,which is a little troublesome without my laptop and a phone just manages to scrap at the edge of comfortable blogging. But in any case still reading inbetween breakfast of parathas and lunch of idlis :) Savouring the taste of Rushdie's Midnight's Children which is both spicy and savoury :) yumm

So a very delightful ciao to my blog until my next login..

....i dream

Rising waves and crashing tides

blue waters in the skies

drizzling..dribbling....or in huge bulks

life hauls forward no matter what

Eyes fixed on heaven and feet on ground

with waves around and their sound

not within sight nor within reach

just my tender poor heart besieged

to fly like a bird not to float like a feather

that is all the tiny dream i have..

Beginnings

I have been yearning for a lot of things lately. A lot of normal simple things. Yearning to have a peaceful sleep without being anxious or apprehensive. Yearning to sit on my porch and finish that half-read salman rushdie. Yearning to have a sumptuous meal or a mug of late night coffee without having to worry about fitting into the expensive dresses on my D-day. Damn i am scared shitless about that :)

New feelings. The first ones for me. Have been living my life in a pair of jeans,running between workouts,market shopping sprees and my clinic. Sadly i am not concentrating well in any of these places because my mind always seem to seep and pour out to many different compartments these days.

Its not just dressing up and looking pretty that day its the day of new beginnings,its the first day of the rest of my life. And its a life that is not of my choosing. Hence the anxious me. Strangely some people might not understand how i feel now,exactly seven days before my marriage. What i feel is not sad neither happy. Not extremely overjoyed nor troubled. I just feel.....and find myself praying that i be helped and eased into the new "roles" that i am being dressed up into.

I am happy. Happy for the new life that i have been granted and i pray for to stay blessed the same way.

What Darwin explained..i experienced.

The day i was to leave my home for college....i still remember it as explicitly as it was just yesterday ! I was scared shitless and had to fight with all my might to stop me from soiling my pants,i feel the same today.

The only few differences being that i was slightly dorky bespectacled idealistic girl then and today i am non-spectacled,non-dorky and about 7kg heavier version of the teenager-me. What keeps me going is the fact that if i could make it then i would be able to make through this too. Have been telling myself this over and over again for past few days only that i couldnt make my rectal sphincter understand it !

It is that i keep comparing myself mentally to someone plummeting down into a dark plunge. All dark,groundless,disorienting and mortal. It feels as if someone has just pulled off all the ground beneath my feet. Going all topsy-turvy with heart drumming against my chest and my bile in my mouth i wait for the end of it. How hard i would hit....no idea. 

I wish its a safe landing but the fact is i have always been a little awkward with changes in my life.I am much like a hen in that sense,when i sit comfortably somewhere i dont like anybody coming and ruffing up with me. Change though uncalled for and uncomfortable is the only way to make us into the wholesome beings that we evolve into. The only positive note to this change being is that this stands to be the only conscious decision in my life that i had taken with a single thought in my mind: 'God i trust you,take me where You want me to be,and i will follow Your footsteps all my life' 

I may not understand the situations now,the people now,the events happening around me now but i am sure my God does and He would somehow arrange all these things well to suit me the best. Whatever He brought me through,He brought me closer to Him. Undoubtedly where He is, there shall prevail no fear so the only sure thing that i can do in this day is to place my trust in Him and His everlasting faithfulness.

Divine Providence

Have you ever experienced it ? 

None of us like anyone meddling in our life. Even i didnt. Untill i learnt that divine providence isnt meddling, it is the only way i could be taught some sense. And i learnt it the hard way. Today for the very first time in my life when i prayed today i had nothing to ask for !!! A beggar like me !!!! When i fall short of stuff to ask,it really does mean something,but today i had only thanks to give.

We know the kind of people who pray only in a rush of corticosteroids.....(kind of chemical released by our body when in stress) Many of us do belong to the category ourselves.Fear,fight and flight are the only three times we ever join our hands and become beggars now and then,and that too ungrateful ones. The truth is there is a bigger picture.

Years back i prayed for somethings to happen,and i prayed ardently. I prayed with all that i have. Denied i turned bitter and disappointed. At times believing myself to be utterly stupid to believe in Special Providence. It took a lot of time for me to hope again. To hope for something good to happen in my misery sodden life. All my previous posts bear the testimonies to the Hope that i had in Him and trust in His faithfulness.

And this post stand as a proof to it. The only reason i write of His providence is to remind me later some time in my life that He is perfectly able to clean any shit that i had knowingly/unknowingly caused in my life. And if any of you get some of that hope seeped into your senses then that too would be His grace.

When i look at the larger picture today i see why he denied me certain things and why i needed time for correction. And i am also grateful for the pains taken..the lessons emblazoned into me...and the virtue of obedience hence taught. He had discarded everything that i thought would be of utmost importance to me and handed me something far more precious and divine.

Things of this world does not matter. He did provide me all that too though but above all He taught me to trust Him,come what may and to bow down to His command without even an iota of doubt. He promised me a future filled with hope and He stands by His word till this day.

The light at the end of the tunnel that i always used to talk about in my posts...is in sight now :).....by His grace. God's guidance is like a torchlight in a dark tunnel,it might not show you everything but it does show you just enough to take the next step.

The Promise

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."