"Go into yourself. Find out the reason that commands you to write; see whether it has spread its root into the very depths of your heart; confess to yourself whether you would have to die if you were forbidden to write." Rainier Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

We all have a rebellion streak in us. We rebel against our parents,our normal life,our destiny and also against God and His will,foolishly so. When we rebel we often say 'i will live happily with the choices i make today,no matter what the consequences'. But do we? Do we really live happily with the repercussions of our disastrous choices! I have fucked up my life in more than the ways i can say. I fought against everything that had ever forced me to go on a certain path. All the while believing i was doing the right thing. Today i wonder whether it was. I know whatever i had gone through is the reason for everything that i am today,and that consoles me most of the time. But that is it,'most' not all the time. I feel sad for myself sometimes. Cant complain. And to whom can i,even if i want to! But God has still sorted out my humoungously screwed up life every time. He has been my rock,through thick and thin of it. He,in His grace has done so much for me,that now i am ashamed of ever turning my back on Him. But more than anything He has increased my faith. Teaching me that help will come,if i just ask for it. He is capable of still greater things. All i need to do is be still,and know that He is the Lord.


Friday, May 24, 2013

So it turns out,the exams that i am preparing for here in australia (ADC) are getting even tougher. For every one person that i come across who has cleared,there are two who havent gone through and have abandoned any hopes altogether. Taking up some other profession and doing something else is just unimaginable for me.
I dont think i can and would be able to do anything else than being a dentist. I have never been anything else all my life! I know in my heart,God has not brought me this far just to abandon me. I know in my heart that if i keep trusting Him good things would happen to me. But the fear that accompanies the uncertainty of what future holds in store is just too gripping. When days are good i work well,i study,i cook,eat,take care of my husband and pray for my baby and my family but when days arent good i feel paralysed. Just a recluse,a dumbwit and no-good. These days i am totally shrouded in self-doubt and feelings of doom.
Just waiting for some light to shine.

Friday, May 3, 2013

This is my little prayer for the day.
Lord you had guided me here. I struggled and struggled and then gave into your wishes having faith that you would guide me to a better place.
You brought me here. And if not you then who do you expect me to turn to! You have to guide me through this too. Utterly lonely and anguished,i have no idea whom to turn to. Then at times i dont even want to turn to anyone else. Let my help come from above,let my help come from my Lord. If my tears cant melt you then they cannot melt anyone else. 

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Life is so utterly fragile.
So vulnerable, so indefinite and its strange i feel so while i have a life building inside me.
All that we do,say,think or plan where does it leaves us when the master decides to call us back home.
I often think about someone i lost from my family,and i guess anyone who had lost a dear one find themselves thinking about this too.
I just want to make something of me,the time that i had been given i want to make it count.
No doubt i want to be successful and comfortably settled but also i wish to grow spiritually with each passing day. I made a small prayer today. Hope it gets granted.

Friday, April 26, 2013

For a long time,i disconnected myself from discovering myself here. The result was i got lost. When in anguish i found myself thinking about writing in the past and being in a happy place then. And then wondering why did i stop it. I shouldnt have.
I have loved some writers here. I frequently stalk some people here,because i love how they feel connected to everything. But for a long time i havent even read them. I guess i just wanted to dwell in my place. After a long long time happy things had found me. And i was sort of trying to keep my past away from the present and the future beckoning at my door. But no cant do it. Not anymore.
The time i had been away was the time i needed to heal. I did heal. And also i tried fitting me into grooves and places that were new for me. Many times i had wanted to login and come and write about the happy times,but my laziness got the best of me :). It's only when i feel sad and alone that i find myself craving for this space.
Screwing up is my thing,it is what i do. I have always messed up the good things in my life,good things that God had been planning for me,and i did pretty good with trying to screw it all up. He though was very gracious,He never left me even for a sec,and as always He did a good job.
That's what scares me,i dont wanna screw up again. Deep inside i feel very confident of things,but well i had felt confident of many things before too. They didnt turn up how i expected them to be! That leaves me on crossroads,blindly groping around in the dark,hoping that i would somehow make it someday.
Amen

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