"Go into yourself. Find out the reason that commands you to write; see whether it has spread its root into the very depths of your heart; confess to yourself whether you would have to die if you were forbidden to write." Rainier Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Beginnings

I have been yearning for a lot of things lately. A lot of normal simple things. Yearning to have a peaceful sleep without being anxious or apprehensive. Yearning to sit on my porch and finish that half-read salman rushdie. Yearning to have a sumptuous meal or a mug of late night coffee without having to worry about fitting into the expensive dresses on my D-day. Damn i am scared shitless about that :)

New feelings. The first ones for me. Have been living my life in a pair of jeans,running between workouts,market shopping sprees and my clinic. Sadly i am not concentrating well in any of these places because my mind always seem to seep and pour out to many different compartments these days.

Its not just dressing up and looking pretty that day its the day of new beginnings,its the first day of the rest of my life. And its a life that is not of my choosing. Hence the anxious me. Strangely some people might not understand how i feel now,exactly seven days before my marriage. What i feel is not sad neither happy. Not extremely overjoyed nor troubled. I just feel.....and find myself praying that i be helped and eased into the new "roles" that i am being dressed up into.


I am happy. Happy for the new life that i have been granted and i pray for to stay blessed the same way.

Friday, June 15, 2012

What Darwin explained..i experienced.

The day i was to leave my home for college....i still remember it as explicitly as it was just yesterday ! I was scared shitless and had to fight with all my might to stop me from soiling my pants,i feel the same today.

The only few differences being that i was slightly dorky bespectacled idealistic girl then and today i am non-spectacled,non-dorky and about 7kg heavier version of the teenager-me. What keeps me going is the fact that if i could make it then i would be able to make through this too. Have been telling myself this over and over again for past few days only that i couldnt make my rectal sphincter understand it !

It is that i keep comparing myself mentally to someone plummeting down into a dark plunge. All dark,groundless,disorienting and mortal. It feels as if someone has just pulled off all the ground beneath my feet. Going all topsy-turvy with heart drumming against my chest and my bile in my mouth i wait for the end of it. How hard i would hit....no idea. 

I wish its a safe landing but the fact is i have always been a little awkward with changes in my life.I am much like a hen in that sense,when i sit comfortably somewhere i dont like anybody coming and ruffing up with me. Change though uncalled for and uncomfortable is the only way to make us into the wholesome beings that we evolve into. The only positive note to this change being is that this stands to be the only conscious decision in my life that i had taken with a single thought in my mind: 'God i trust you,take me where You want me to be,and i will follow Your footsteps all my life' 

I may not understand the situations now,the people now,the events happening around me now but i am sure my God does and He would somehow arrange all these things well to suit me the best. Whatever He brought me through,He brought me closer to Him. Undoubtedly where He is, there shall prevail no fear so the only sure thing that i can do in this day is to place my trust in Him and His everlasting faithfulness.


Sunday, June 10, 2012

Divine Providence

Have you ever experienced it ? 

None of us like anyone meddling in our life. Even i didnt. Untill i learnt that divine providence isnt meddling, it is the only way i could be taught some sense. And i learnt it the hard way. Today for the very first time in my life when i prayed today i had nothing to ask for !!! A beggar like me !!!! When i fall short of stuff to ask,it really does mean something,but today i had only thanks to give.


We know the kind of people who pray only in a rush of corticosteroids.....(kind of chemical released by our body when in stress) Many of us do belong to the category ourselves.Fear,fight and flight are the only three times we ever join our hands and become beggars now and then,and that too ungrateful ones. The truth is there is a bigger picture.

Years back i prayed for somethings to happen,and i prayed ardently. I prayed with all that i have. Denied i turned bitter and disappointed. At times believing myself to be utterly stupid to believe in Special Providence. It took a lot of time for me to hope again. To hope for something good to happen in my misery sodden life. All my previous posts bear the testimonies to the Hope that i had in Him and trust in His faithfulness.

And this post stand as a proof to it. The only reason i write of His providence is to remind me later some time in my life that He is perfectly able to clean any shit that i had knowingly/unknowingly caused in my life. And if any of you get some of that hope seeped into your senses then that too would be His grace.

When i look at the larger picture today i see why he denied me certain things and why i needed time for correction. And i am also grateful for the pains taken..the lessons emblazoned into me...and the virtue of obedience hence taught. He had discarded everything that i thought would be of utmost importance to me and handed me something far more precious and divine.

Things of this world does not matter. He did provide me all that too though but above all He taught me to trust Him,come what may and to bow down to His command without even an iota of doubt. He promised me a future filled with hope and He stands by His word till this day.

The light at the end of the tunnel that i always used to talk about in my posts...is in sight now :).....by His grace. God's guidance is like a torchlight in a dark tunnel,it might not show you everything but it does show you just enough to take the next step.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

The Promise


"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Storm in a pond

Just when you think all is ok...all is well and you can sit back and relax, someone throws a stone into your quiet little pond of life and create ripples in it. Disrupt the calm of your life and then we start the process of churning it all the more by thinking of all the past and before you know..it's a raging storm.

And that poor pond of my life is nothing but engulfed in this storm. In the scheme of a larger picture my life is just a handful of ticking seconds bestowed upon me and it is my only chance to make something out of my life. But these stones hurled towards me ! They take away from me all that i put in so much efforts and time to build.

I dont want to remember anything that i should have forgotten long ago. Neither do i need any help,two-bit advice or sympathy in doing that. I am perfectly equipped to take care of my messy life affairs. I am raged. Raged at people thinking that their meddling could make it better.

Sociopath,call me that if you want,but i really dont feel like talking to people who are there in my life for their privilege,talk when they want,call at their fancy and care when they feel like. Where does that leave me in the equation !!! Oh it is said rightly when you push people away carelessly you never know whether they are gonna miss you or learn to live without you.

My little pond got ruffled. Got ruffled bad. But writing calms me and brings me to my senses. Now i get it why people are so attached to their blogs,some of us find this is the only place where we get to talk. To really say what we feel. No niceties,no sugar-coats. I dont care who reads it. All i care about is how it makes me feel. Just saying something without knowing if somebody would lend an ear to me. *Pity* but atleast i know what to expect of it. Atleast i know now that there isnt anyone to hold me when i fall. I fall,i get bruised,cry a bit,dust myself up,try to get up again. Process is simple,durable and unfailing.

The more you depend on people the more you are disappointed and the maths is screwed up, there it goes exponentially. No more shoulders to cry on,just shed the fucking tears in the pile of rubbish where you have managed to land up and move on(note: whoever said that your tears are precious,was screwing up with you real bad) It is tough job but learn it sooner than later.

Be possessive about your little pond. Guard it with your life. Keep your own fish and frogs happy. The moment you share it with an outsider you are gonna lose all the serenity and wound up drowning in your own pond...breathless dead and alone.


Sunday, June 3, 2012

Far and about

Many a times those who happen to read my blog tell me that i write of pain,misery,loneliness blah blah blah and they sort of complain that i rarely write about the good stuff. So today when i am feeling sunshin'y i thought il try and pen up something.

Like everybody else my words flow potentially powerfully and with a writer's rage only when i am troubled. It's very much like churning of a storm or a twister that really does bring the clutter together. All the awesome bloggers that i see here are somehow or the other so messed up inside,in a way many times i have found myself poetically musing about turning into one of them :)

But only the wearer knows where the shoe pinches so what seems so good and perfect to us must be so difficult for someone. What is a fashion or a culture to us,is actually a means for someone to connect to something(even if it is a virtual world) and hence survive. Personally today i wish all of them peace.

So coming onto the title 'Far and about'. I have no idea why i chose to write it,but it was spontaneous. My life's same,problems are same,afflictions are same so what changes ! Attitude. The one stop answer for everything. Detaching myself from my problems,and standing and seeing them from afar they dont really seem that monumental,they dont seem deathly scary either. They look more like bumps,minor pitfalls,manageable. For now.

It's easy to deal with anything,if we just keep our eyes fixated on the light at the end of the tunnel. Not a perfect way to go about but that atleast conditions our minds to the fact that there is an end to whatever it is that is tormenting us.

Swimming,driving back home with nice romantic numbers on FM,coming home,hugging my mom,and having hot scrambled eggs for breakfast did make my morning. I dont care who wants to make me feel as what. I refuse to feel small/dwarfed/poorly destined by anyone else. My destiny lies in the hands of a great God and my eyes firmly adhered to the light at the end of this tunnel.


Saturday, June 2, 2012

Leaving off

Dreams. Coming in frequent and coming bad...mostly. I happen to dream a lot nowadays. Wonder why ! Might be because i am sleeping a lot (its solar hot here in rajasthan) but i mostly dream of my friends. Dream of seeing some,dream of missing some.

A weight sort of lifted off from me today. It is rightly said taking a decision in your head is the most difficult part. Implementing it is a piece of cake. There are two conflicting views that i wish to write here and also try to grasp it better if anyone of you care to help me out. We all have heard a phrase that when you are about to give up on something remember the reason why you held up to it for so long ! But i never truly get it. What if the semantics of the relationship has changed ! What if now it is not what it had been before.

There is absolutely no use of dragging any relationship that has run its course and is on the verge of death. Well sometimes we girls even have a habit of dragging them beyond the limit. What's the use ! Will; you ever be happy again. Probably Not. Then why should it be so difficult to leave off the things and grasp the new ones.

Untill we empty our hands of stuff we do not want how will we ever have space for stuff that we actually wish for ! It is easy and less painful to just grab and pull off the bandage. Undoubtedly. In my view thinking of my happiness first is not selfishness. I tried to be selfless and giving for years and years before,i didnt get anything in hand out of that. Every place (except my family) where i had toiled to be selfless and giving i had failed miserably.

Though it doesnt feel like some magnificent transformation but believe me it does feel lighter. No grudges,no complaints,no excuses,no returns. What's given is given. If you have lost something it's ok,may be you needed to be parted from it to become this what you are today.


War

Its a raging war,all of it. All of it that we are going through. Like the war issue on Nat Geo that i am watching now. Life is just the same,there is a war within,war for survival,war for love,war for care,and we lose a lot in this war. We lose money,our hard earned money,and we also lose peace. We lose our control on our lives.

There our bombardments within that is shredding into pieces our emotional attire. I feel lost both in direction and purpose. How the hell do we get so reckless and make the mistake of trusting. There is no place in this world for people who can and do trust on people,who make and keep their friendships against all odds,who put comfort of others before their own. There is no place for selfless idiots in this world.

You ought to be selfish. You ought to be able to be manipulative. You ought to be able to make people happy with fuzzy warm shells of empty words. Whats the need of actually doing something for someone when all you need to do is to make up nice words. I can make up words. I can learn to be shallow too and act to sympathize. That's all that is needed and that would be enough.

There isnt any place in my heart or in my life for others. I am selfish and its gonna be just me from now.


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