"Go into yourself. Find out the reason that commands you to write; see whether it has spread its root into the very depths of your heart; confess to yourself whether you would have to die if you were forbidden to write." Rainier Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

Thursday, May 31, 2012

Give me back my hug (*)


There is gotta be something magical about it....the hug !!

I dont seem to forget any of them. In my eyes it is a 'sanjeevani booti', the one stop cure for all the ailments. My mama used to hug me with his hand and a kiss on the top of my head,very much similar to how my brother hugs me now. I miss his presence constantly. My mum's hug says 'i have forgiven you' and it lifts me off from whatever miry clay i am stuck into.

I read somewhere an average person needs 7 hugs daily for his well-being,12 for growth and 4 for survival. I guess i survived badly for past all these years. But all that's gone. Second chances,we all wish for them often. I am happy to have one. When i am beaten down i remember all the wonderful hugs,by mum,mama,my bhai,my friends,and through everything dark and dungy, it gives me will to stand up on my two feet.

We never forget how someone made us feel. Remember what a snowman and a snow-woman in love did ! They hugged each other and melted in their embrace. :) If only we could give and take and share more hugs ! I close my eyes and live up the hug of the ones that aren't with me anymore. That's the only remembrance i have been left and it would live with me for as long as my heart goes on.

Miss you.

Life: an act of trapeze



Believe me or not but we do have this strange affliction of overlooking the good parts in our life. For us the grass had always been and would always be greener on the other side. Promises: that's what i had been oddly thinking about during my work out today and realised that God had been good to me and kept some of His promises very faithfully. Where i always used to feel as being the odd one out,today i can gel in and connect well with my family. Happy for that. :)

I am yet to start next phase of my life..marriage and all,but life's good at home with mum-dad too. Bridges have been built,no grudges,no complains and past seems unreal today,one that leaves behind a hint of having occurred a lifetime ago. God had been good to grant me this time in which i could laugh with my family,and honestly these will be the days that i would miss and cherish for all my life to come.

With the sudden realisation of promises fulfilled there arrives also the scent of trust that as long as His presence continues in my life things would get better. I might not get all that i want,but i would be provided with all that i need;that much i believe.

Life is a balancing act. I am not visibly depressed or broken down when i am sad. I still do feel sad,a void left behind by all the friends and people who had promised to stay with me through thick and thin of it...and did not. But i can contain all that and carry on without projecting any of it. Which i consider as a huge personal achievement. Likewise neither i am excessively overjoyed by turn of events in my favour.

I have learnt (and am still learning) that being calm and serene,holding your smile all the while trusting a higher force to align things for you is the best way to live a happy life. I read somewhere be like a duck,calm and composed on the outside but underneath the surface of water pedal like a devil.

A blessed night to every one and a soulful sleep.


Wednesday, May 30, 2012

The turmoil within every mind: What's happened to Aishwarya rai !


 I don't get what the debate is about ! How the hell has Aishwarya rai turned up so fat and fugly !!! Pretty darn nonsense. pffffew.

Yes she is carrying a baby weight !
But she is an actress she sells a fantasy ! She should look like one !
Oh i had baby 6weeks back and had lost major baby fat ! (heard on fb somewhere) (my take : yeeah that's all you are good for barbie doll :P )
And some place else : "Pehle every man wanted a wife like Aishwarya rai....Now Aishwarys rai looks like every man's wife.
How derogatory that is !!! We leave no stones unturned in making a mockery of ourselves.

Well for starters i never liked Aishwarya rai. Not because she was overly beautiful or i had some streak of jealous complex knowing that somehow there would always be someone more beautiful than me in the universe !!!  The reason i didnt like her was because she didnt have anything else to offer other than that !

This is what happens when we rely too much on our transient beauty. I dont want to have any pot-shot at her expense but i think it is a sure lesson to anybody and everybody out there who think that looking good is all that matters ! Well looking good is no biggie,believe me, i have lost quite a lot of weight before and has lost 9kgs recently in past 3months...so i understand better than anyone else the pain of being fugly and undesirable but more than that i know that i should be a lot more than just the beauty of my body and looks.

And then the other major point is the freedom of letting someone be the way they are/want to. Not being a fan of the light-eyed beauty here but i still realise that she has achieved more than most of us in our life. She has worked her ass off for some 15years and she has all right in the world to bear a little weight for her daighter and live the life as every houswife and/or mother does in this country...so leave her alone you morons.

Thanks to the types of Madhuri Dixit, Vidya Balan or Sonakshi Sinha we have some good looking plus-sizes finally arriving on big screens. See i am not saying that 'Chalo..lets all of us binge-eat and become fatso now' but there is a need to realize that nearly half of our population is struggling with obesity in current age. Some are putting up their best fight forward,so just get a little supportive and say that we dont mind curves. Its good to be in shape and healthy too.

Being fat doesnt mean the end of our lives and should'nt stop us from going and kicking the ass of the world. I never allowed it to be that way for me. I sure did feel like planting a rocky-style punch on my swimming trainer's dark-burnt cheek when he said that 'butterfly-stroke' is not my cup of tea as i am too heavy to perfect it. Well i would show him otherwise at the end of this month.

To sum up...swim...dance do everything that people say you will not be able to do,because i love to prove them wrong.

Monday, May 28, 2012

Whats my worth !


I am not exceedingly beautiful. A long line of suitors is not what u would actually find at my door. I am just ok looking. Nice features may be yeeah but with a little more than a fair share of lipocytes. So not exactly a head-turner.

I am not the most brainy of the lot too. I am a dentist,good at my work(as far as i know) but i suck at marketing so not exactly with a roaring practise either. But i aspire to have one day.

I can write,if i am troubled enough to. At the rest of the things i am pretty mediocre.

What i am good at is listening to people,empathising with them,may be advicing them too,occasionally. So i am a self proclaimed Agony Aunt. The problem is this agony aunt doesnt have anywhere to go when she is agonised. I have nowhere to turn to when i need some buck-up talk and so i turn to my blog. I write,i feel i have said what i needed to,and get back to my day with a sigh.

No complaints for anyone ensued in this post. I am just learning to live as life requires me to live. Heard somewhere that only the bravest people wear a smile in battlefield,so i dont cut back on my laughter no matter how heavy my heart. 

Forever : the greatest Lie


'I would be there for you forever'
'I would never break your trust,i promise'
'I would always be your best friend and be by your side'

Different words,by different people heard so often by so many of us...and then more so often proved out to be wrong. Some of them shattered in the public eye,discarded like house waste,lying in the dump-spot that every neighbourhood posses. Others so,stuffed up in the dark corners of house stores but forgotten nevertheless.

Sad. Until recently i had been a very Bridget jones'y type of person in my life. Always hoping against the rising tide of misery and solitude that things eventually fall back into place and everything is well at the end. But only up until recently.

People have failed me just as much as i have failed my God. Or may be that is the reason why people have failed me. Trust is the costliest commodity for me. Hard to place,harder to sustain. And in this rage that i am walkingcrawling 'Forever' seems to be the greatest lie in the world.

You know how it feels if you have been promised and been denied. It could be a promise of undying love or unwavering commitment or even the promise of never ending friendship. When denied they all pain equally. I once mentioned to a friend that a relationship is as gentle as a baby-sparrow. It feels so fragile on our palm but even so it is a living breathing thing.

Feels now that it's choked very much near to death.

It is important to balance life,there is a fine blend of family,friends,work and leisure in it. I need to be much more careful about the growing need to create that balance. The prerequisite to that is to accept that i need blessings in my life for that. I continue to care for everybody but not to expect anything much from others. Goes like that : You need me...ok il be there for you,but i might not be coming to you for anything now.

Sounds dispassionate. But for now it has to work this way.


Saturday, May 26, 2012

Summer Diary


There is something so damn courageous about this picture !

The will to live and the resultant fight....the fight emerging as an offshoot of a sown seed,the first step taken....that is very important. Then as we grow up what happens ?

Why do we grow up to be this tight-assed living,brooding,walking masses of shit ! Being away from monotonous rhythms of life i have discovered that it is ok for traffic to be bad and it is inevitable to find some people to be selfish or i would rather say materialistic, as long as our own little sphere of existence is devoid of things that we so much despise in others.

Simple things such as driving patiently behind a man pushing his cart (which obviously is too darn loaded for his poverty laden petite frame) instead of honking horns incessantly gives my heart a warm feeling of being able to empathise with him. For every thing that i find wrong and unjust i find a thing that shows me it is the same good world of our Lord.

Swimming is keeping me sane nowadays. For an odd hour or so i enter a different world. A world of waves and not worries. A world where i in some pragmatic way realize that all that we need to live has already been provided to us. We have clothed ourselves so heavily and unnecessarily with desires that on some level we have utterly forgotten the pure bliss of being naked. That i say metaphorically ofcourse.

Even after working for many years i dont have a substantial bank balance. And what little i have,i am very soon gonna give that away too. I earn,and spend hardly 20% on me and give away the rest. I have seen this curbs my desire to have more. As for tomorrow i dont know,but i believe i will be provided with whatever i need in my life.

Love is a need too,not a luxury. It will come too,when it's destined to. Untill then i am filling up my voids by numerous stuff. Reading is an absolute essential amongst them. My daddyji(nanaji) had a fruitful life owed to his habit of reading. Hope to make mine like his too. Feel sad for folks who havent yet discovered it. Like an old uncle in my neighbourhood. With no wife and no friends of his age and his mind getting blunt with each passing day, i frequently find him loitering around all day. Watering plants,moving things from a pointA to pointB and scratching his leathery behind. Sad. Wish i could tell him to sit and read with all the good time he has.

Happy for days. They are not over the top ecstatic neither are they flogging molly types. They are just calm,brisk and freakishly hot summer days. :) Kinda good. While swimming in the morning today i felt some beautiful words by Sahir Ludhianvi floating with me too,just penning it down here

मुझको कहने दो कि मै आज भी जी सकता हू 
इश्क नाकाम सही, ज़िन्दगी नाकाम नहीं 
उन्हें अपनाने की ख्वाहिश, उन्हें पाने की तलब 
शौके-बेकार सही साईं-ए-गम-अंजाम नहीं 


शौके-बेकार - useless hobby
साईं-ए-गम-अंजाम- painful punishment

Thursday, May 10, 2012

No Caption

I hold it true,watever befall
i feel it when i sorrow most
it's better to have loved and lost
than never to have loved at all.

I have never seemed to make my peace with Alfred Tennyson for saying this. Whenever i am sad,lonely and in sorrow i resent this man the most for saying this. I dont know much about his life,as never found any need to google him,but i guess the only reason he could have said something like this is that probably he never loved and lost anything or anyone in his life. Lucky Bas****.

It hurts. It does. To remember someone as 'oh was he at one time such a huge part of my life !' It does hurt a lot to imagine someone as long lost part of our 'then lives'. Like we had left behind a limb,gangrenous and decayed,cut off from our body,but which once was very much a living, breathing, circulating, defecating part of us.  Friends left behind and long forgotten either by fault or fate and when you look back and 'see' those are the parts of life that are focused by some god damned headlight atop that cruelly shows them in the most vivid colors and hue.

It hurts to realize that where once didn't exist even an inch of space had emerged a gorge and no-one on the either side of that gorge has the faintest idea of how to fill it or even make a bridge on it. No it isn't ego,it isn't and can never be a thing as small tiny and measley as this. It is the time. And something else that eludes me dastardly for it is a pain to be able to talk to a friend and remember how warm the friendship was once ! Those are the toughest kinds of break-ups.

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