I am not scared of my feelings. I am not scared of feeling sad. Neither i am scared of feeling angry nor aggrieved. I can even hold myself feeling regret. What i am scared of is getting up one day and feeling nothing at all.
I am scared of turning into this dispassionate person that is cold and stiff hearted. I am passionate about writing and reading i absolutely love ! But then what else i love ! Or rather whom i love ! I dont want to end up being this crazy person with total lack of ability to love or care for others....aargh obnoxious. Reason(my guess) that i end up receiving so much less than what i actually give. Sounds selfish. About right,but i cant barricade expectations from creeping up into me. I expect something in return for all the time and heart i invested into a relationship. (At the risk of sounding immature and un-idealistic,this is what i honestly feel like now and so i will write as it is)
Egos can be so dangerous. Bruised egos even more so. Why cant we just keep our egos aside and accept that we are needy people. We are needy people in a crowded world. We need someone to call our own. To confide in. Amongst platoons of doubts we introduce someone into our world,a close friend perhaps! We let them into our tiny secret world. Let them have a sneak peek into all our dark dirty little secrets,our sufferings,our insecurities,our worries,we make them a walking partner in all of it and share our silly jokes with them (for eg 'You know china's prime minister is Li Hui' ) Who in their sane minds would laugh themselves sick on a silly joke like this ! Only friends right ! :)
And then they are gone,it's all over. there goes your castle of cards. It feels horrible you know. You end up thinking 'was all that for waste' ? Wasn't there anything strong to hold that up ? If you were wrong for once you didn't have courage to keep aside your ego and come and reconcile with me ? Dont i matter anything to your life ? Am i so worthless that it isn't hard for you to lose me....a friend !