"Go into yourself. Find out the reason that commands you to write; see whether it has spread its root into the very depths of your heart; confess to yourself whether you would have to die if you were forbidden to write." Rainier Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

Monday, April 30, 2012

Read it...ul know

I am not scared of my feelings. I am not scared of feeling sad. Neither i am scared of feeling angry nor aggrieved. I can even hold myself feeling regret. What i am scared of is getting up one day and feeling nothing at all.

I am scared of turning into this dispassionate person that is cold and stiff hearted. I am passionate about writing and reading i absolutely love ! But then what else i love ! Or rather whom i love ! I dont want to end up being this crazy person with total lack of ability to love or care for others....aargh obnoxious. Reason(my guess) that i end up receiving so much less than what i actually give. Sounds selfish. About right,but i cant barricade expectations from creeping up into me. I expect something in return for all the time and heart i invested into a relationship. (At the risk of sounding immature and un-idealistic,this is what i honestly feel like now and so i will write as it is)

Egos can be so dangerous. Bruised egos even more so. Why cant we just keep our egos aside and accept that we are needy people. We are needy people in a crowded world. We need someone to call our own. To confide in. Amongst platoons of doubts we introduce someone into our world,a close friend perhaps! We let them into our tiny secret world. Let them have a sneak peek into all our dark dirty little secrets,our sufferings,our insecurities,our worries,we make them a walking partner in all of it and share our silly jokes with them (for eg 'You know china's prime minister is Li Hui' ) Who in their sane minds would laugh themselves sick on a silly joke like this ! Only friends right ! :)

And then they are gone,it's all over. there goes your castle of cards. It feels horrible you know. You end up thinking 'was all that for waste' ? Wasn't there anything strong to hold that up ? If you were wrong for once you didn't have courage to keep aside your ego and come and reconcile with me ? Dont i matter anything to your life ? Am i so worthless that it isn't hard for you to lose me....a friend !


Jack said...


First visit. Read all current posts. I am so sorry to hear sad news of your grandfather and Mamaji passing away within days of each other. No matter how old our elders are, we still need their blessings and love. We feel secure when they are there but we have to bow to wishes of God. Keep fond memories and follow their good teachings. Five Words is a lovely poem. At times we do have little block in mind to pen down what goes on in our mind. Happiness is in own hands. One should have self respect but never EGO. In life we meet so many people who become close for an amount of time and then drift away due to various reasons. We need to adjust to this change in life. One should never have expectations, it is easier said than done but this leads to contentment. I too have written a number of posts on inter-personnel relationships. It has been a pleasure reading your thoughts.

Take care

palak said...

i loved it ...n i miss ur frequent presence on blogger as it used to be earlier!

Dr Mandeep Khanuja said...

Thanks jack,u seemed to have read a couple of my posts and i think u r right in sayin that sometimes we have to leave behind a few people and carry on without them. Who knows it might be the right thing for us ! or it might be the destined thing for us ! do keep reading
Palak...yes doing more of reading and so less than usual presence on blogger :)

ganeshputtu said...

being needy is nothing wrong..it is absolutely normal...nobody can give and give all the time (even GOD requires prayer?), we need to get back something in return too- or things will die a natural death. as for giving up on ego- it cuts both ways...rather than wait for the other person, why not make the first move? i agree it is not as easy doing as sayin, but hey, why not prove that we are stronger/braver than the other person who lacks courage to make the first move?

Dr Mandeep Khanuja said...

for the first section of the comment thanks boss fr supporting me. As for the second,i think true friends forgive each other the very moment they fall apart. What remains is just the part of 'saying' it. and i am never late in going and even begging for forgiveness,if need be.


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