"Go into yourself. Find out the reason that commands you to write; see whether it has spread its root into the very depths of your heart; confess to yourself whether you would have to die if you were forbidden to write." Rainier Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

Monday, April 30, 2012

Read it...ul know

I am not scared of my feelings. I am not scared of feeling sad. Neither i am scared of feeling angry nor aggrieved. I can even hold myself feeling regret. What i am scared of is getting up one day and feeling nothing at all.

I am scared of turning into this dispassionate person that is cold and stiff hearted. I am passionate about writing and reading i absolutely love ! But then what else i love ! Or rather whom i love ! I dont want to end up being this crazy person with total lack of ability to love or care for others....aargh obnoxious. Reason(my guess) that i end up receiving so much less than what i actually give. Sounds selfish. About right,but i cant barricade expectations from creeping up into me. I expect something in return for all the time and heart i invested into a relationship. (At the risk of sounding immature and un-idealistic,this is what i honestly feel like now and so i will write as it is)

Egos can be so dangerous. Bruised egos even more so. Why cant we just keep our egos aside and accept that we are needy people. We are needy people in a crowded world. We need someone to call our own. To confide in. Amongst platoons of doubts we introduce someone into our world,a close friend perhaps! We let them into our tiny secret world. Let them have a sneak peek into all our dark dirty little secrets,our sufferings,our insecurities,our worries,we make them a walking partner in all of it and share our silly jokes with them (for eg 'You know china's prime minister is Li Hui' ) Who in their sane minds would laugh themselves sick on a silly joke like this ! Only friends right ! :)

And then they are gone,it's all over. there goes your castle of cards. It feels horrible you know. You end up thinking 'was all that for waste' ? Wasn't there anything strong to hold that up ? If you were wrong for once you didn't have courage to keep aside your ego and come and reconcile with me ? Dont i matter anything to your life ? Am i so worthless that it isn't hard for you to lose me....a friend !

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Thoughts of a commode

If anyone had cared enough to ask me how i am feeling right now, my answer would have been-akin to a flushing commode. Actually a 'clogged' flushing commode,or anything if it could be even worse than that. Because though everything is whirling inside me,nothing is going anywhere ! 

I know i havent been writing much but i believe it's just lack of inspiration. I mean what could a person who does nothing more all day than to mercilessly murder away time at home write about ! I dont have much contact with homo sapiens nowadays all i do is to lazy up my bums at home and watch re-runs of 'The Big Bang Theory' which seems to be the only thing that makes me smile. Watching a bunch of geeks fooling around gives me immense pleasure, pleasure as compared to none (sigh...sad).

Now and then i lift up my laptop and plan to write down something but the thoughts are just so diffuse and non-coherent i have no idea how to gel them together ! One moment i would be feeling melancholy and find myself listening to coke studio sufi style and the other moment i would feel so disconnected with everything that i would nastily switch off my phone and thus any possibility of a human contact. Which is the case at the moment too. At other times i feel like a beggar,a poor starved beggar,begging for love and attention at every possible doorstep(sounds pathetic o yea) and then with sudden electric ease i would transfigure to this confident kick-ass me ! 

A tree in my house is bearing these beautiful summer'y yellow flowers ! They are the only sight that my eyes love to watch offlate. I have been meaning to photograph it,but my heart just finds it so difficult to lay its hands on my mind and shake it out of its lull. Some other day maybe. For now i will present to you with some ideas from my seemingly flushing but clogged commode :

1. There is no feeling in this world more sickly than to be demanding love from our very own people. Why should there be a need for us to ask any care/attention from our own friends !!! They are our friends right ! They know it well that we need their hand,we need their heart,we need 'them' ! Do i need to be begging for it ? Is there any need for me to assure and reassure them constantly of their worth ? Similarly i have discovered that our parents need the same ! Our siblings too ! And i plan to make these things right. As much as i can manage to.

2. I am not being grateful enough ! There it is i have said it ! Yes i am not. And so i confess it now and plan diligently to be grateful in each and every thing. I am grateful to my dad that he specially went to market and bought fruits for me. I didnt say this to him half hour back but i guess i should have. Grateful to my mom she makes everything so comfortable for me here. My sister for giving me undeserved respect,my brother for keeping me in his mind always,my patients for giving me an opportunity to treat them. And then most of all to the Lord because He has already given to me all that i need.

3. What would you be rather be : Really happy or 'pretend' to be happy ! I have seen people putting up this facade that they are happy when actually they are not. I want to be 'happy' i mean i actually want to be 'joyful' i dont need to show it to people. I dont want to affirm this fact with them.

4. I wish i had a pet. Mum wouldnt allow me probably but nevertheless some day i am so gonna ask her for it. :)

5.I want everybody to be happy,even the people who dont love me or care two hoots about me. Even those who dont have time for me and even when i dont hold any place of importance in their lives i wish that all their dreams come true.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012


They say mankind stands most united in the face of misery. Same goes for a family too. Parents can be angry with their children and vice-versa but never so when they need each other's shoulder to cry upon. Siblings can be jealous of success and/or happiness of each other but never in the face of a tragedy. When tragedy strikes a household, everybody sticks together irrespective of their differences. I remember watching a show about how fire-ants survive in floods. You know how ? They hold tight to each other and form an 'ant-raft' that keeps them afloat on the surface of water much like a patch of an algae. 

A Fireant-raft
So do we. My maternal uncle(mama) and my grandfather both passed within a couple of days of each other. February 2011 was a tough month for our family. Between two people who have been admitted in two different cities 500 km apart, my family was divided into two,but only physically. While me,my dad and my sis were busy taking care of grandpa,my mum and brother had left off to take care of my uncle. I dont know where i resided more ! Here or with them ! Grandpa had been admitted with a multiorgan failure,on the other hand my uncle suffered a massive MI that led to complications like Cerebral haemorrhage. Going about my days like a zombie,forcing myself into the routine,was all i could do to keep myself sane and from thinking about his family and two young daughters(all of age 14 and 12). All the family,extended family and dear friends could do was to pray,to pray fervently and hope that atleast one of them would be heard and granted.

As it had to be God's will both of them passed off,peacefully i presume. It is hard to deal with loss of a family. The shock is massive, and cruelly dreamlike, the realization of losing someone whom you had always thought of as a permanent part of your life. You find yourself recalling what was like the last time when you talked to them ! Just like i kept on rewinding the tape in my mind to when i had seen the ones who were part of my family ! Consider seeing someone today...a friend or a family member and imagine what if it were to be the last time you are seeing them ! What would you say to them ? How will you say your good byes ? Would you hug them ? Or would you hug them and would never want to leave them ? Would you tell them how much you loved them and how much they mean to you !

Huddled together
I wanted to say all that to mama. I wanted to say all that and much more ! I feel guilty of not spending enough time with him. I feel guilty of not hugging him tight enough. I feel guilty of not seeing into his powerful and yet lively eyes and telling him that i will see him soon. And then the time comes when the family has to come together to perform the last rites. You look around,see at all the familiar faces of your family and find a face missing ! And it's a horrible sickening feeling in the gut. You are sad,grief-struck,angry and guilty all at the same time. And suddenly from somewhere a pair of arms lock you in a embrace. some hand wipes away your stream of tears,an elder lovingly and reassuringly places their hand over your head or a young member of a family burrow themselves into your embrace seeking comfort and in that moment you truly understand the reason why we all had been placed together in this world as a family !

This post has been written as a part of contest by Blogadda. The contest was to write about the most special family memory. Though sad this memory is an integral part of who i am now. If being 'special' means a memory where you begin to understand the importance of being placed as a family into this world,i couldnt think of any memory more special than this. 
This entry is a part of the contest at BlogAdda.com in association with imlee.com

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Five words

Lost in the desert sun with blisters in my feet
dragging both the self and my parched soul
hoping for...just five words from you
Five words that help me stay
Five words that i want you to say

Winter's gone and with it the sunny mornings too
where i would wiggle my toes in sun and think just of you
Five words would make my day
Five words that i want you to say

Bracing the spring,i longed to talk to you
if only you had said 'love you' i would have said 'love you too'
Five words that keep us away
Five words that i want you to say

It's the rains now...i stand alone
watching everything dance and croon
Five words that's all it takes
Five words that i want you to say.

Note : Just imagine a day well spent...you have done everything right,worked well,had a good dinner,chatted with family...and friends too,and then when you lie down at the night you suddenly realize that something is terribly missing. There is a void in your heart,a void that is in shape of a 'person' and that simply refuses to fill up with anything else that you might try. And then comes a tear rolling down your cheek and you wish that you could somehow hear something from that person....anything....even if it's only just five words !

Friday, April 20, 2012

Loony Toon

Ever wished someone to be miserable and lonely ? And then to sweep into the scene and make their life less miserable and less lonely with your charming presence !

I wished. Actually i wished and dreamt ! All my life....all of it...i had been a person who filled zillions of slam books writing 'i hate hypocrite people' and here i am turned into one ! Gosh ! We all have people in our lives..people we love spending time with,we eagerly wait for their calls,and it is because of them we pick up the darn mobile when it beeps a text message evry single time. We want to be remembered,we want to be missed,we want to be talked to,we want to be laughed with,but we also want to sound all mature,and actually sane :)

Aaarrggh but damn it is frustating when we find others to be perfectly happy and contended in their lives ! We want to have a perfect life,we want to be busy doing important stuff,we want to be all happy,and feeling all 'light in step' and 'flowery-eyed' about life....but behold that is not us leading that life ! All we end up doing is checking out phone every few minutes for any texts,and sleep with it beside the pillow and imagining every few seconds that it did vibrate or beeped !

Moral of the story..this is not a life we wanted ! So we will make a life that we always wished for :)

Ingredients: Books#collect,download,buy,beg,borrow,steal the genre of books you like to read. A word of advice i think "self help books"  mess up with your mind. Stay clear of them,instead concentrate on fiction,even therein seriously avoid M&B :). Buy a sketch book and a pack of paints. Keep a camera handy. Have store of good movies.

Method : Read as much as you can....books,websites,articles..everything counts ! Everything helps you build up a pool of energy and positivity. Write. It helps. No idea how,but it does. Paint (if/when you cannot write). Take pictures...loads of them,just not for fb purpose,but taking pictures gives you a fine eye for things. Watch movies when you are lazy for all the above options. (Last i watched was Monster,uff the desperation and isolation in it )

Note : Do not disturb people who dont need you to feel happy and contended. Because that is afterall you always wanted,in the first place. For every one such person there are so many more who need your presence in their lives ! Your family...your friends...random people at your work place whom you dont even bother to glance at or make an effort to know their names !

Be tidy in thoughts,get busy,make yourself useful and dont be a moron :)

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Goldfish in a pond

"And they say Goldfish have no memory/i guess their lives are much like mine/and the little plastic castle/is a surprise every time..."

Was reading an article by Yashar and could think of nothing else but these lines from ani Difrnaco's song. Would just write a few words about it. So would it be good or bad to not have any memory to cal our own ? It would be difficult because we may find ourselves committing the same mistakes over n over again ! It would be like we wudnt have learnt anything from our past mistakes ! Hurting and getting hurt in return repeatedly,falling for the same type of people and finding ourselves cornered against the wall...at the same spot ! We would have never had an opportunity to learn from our mistakes !

But on the other hand sometimes just like a gold fish i want to forget everything that has ever hurt me. I just want to erase the memories of the past and get over with the pain. Then may be every new day will be like the plastic castle  for the gold fish,that forgets every 3 sec (which is actually a long believed myth). Every time the goldfish circles the pond and enters the castle it is surprised to find it there,and finds it all new ! May be she gets excited ! Exploring a new place,embarking on an adventurous journey. I want to be amazed by the rising early morning sun,i want to be awestruck by the beauty of snow capped mountains ! I want to feel every rain drop as the first drop that had fallen on me,i want to be moved again and again and again by the beauty of the flowers,no matter how many times i had seen them. I want to drown in the beauty of my favorite song just as i did when i heard it for the very first time. I want to feel the rich bloom of love,with the same innocence that i had years back,sans all the fear and insecurities. I want to forget that a million things could go on wrong with  life and just believe that as marvellous is this morning with the tiny colourful flowers on my patio,same way would be my life too.

Monday, April 16, 2012

When you feel dis-con-nec-ted

Feeling dis-con-nec-ted
and living those oh-so-similar days

But the rains are new
the flowers are here too

......then why is there the same weather in me !

Go on ma chere dance in the rain
wash yourself a-new


Did you 'hear' the flower blooming !
did you 'see' the cool breeze !
......and nearby some-whe-re
did you feel a butterfly emerging !

Note: i start writing feeling all lonely and end up finding some hope on the way to the end......that invariably happens to me. So that notion about 'hearing' the flower blooming and 'seeing' the breeze were all about heightened senses which you all must have experienced when you feel you are on the brink of an amazing discovery or something. I just wanted to convey the anxiety and the idea of stepping onto something lovely...very soon,hence the single quotes,because they aren't real !
But then why did i not single quote the (feel) in metamorphosis ! You people have the guess.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

A wee bit of Unusual Life

Not even 24 hours since i had written my last post,and i am already amazed at how much life can change in how little a time ! Or may be i am wrong, may be nothing did change except ofcourse my attitude. I was busy doing so many things today,they are all forming a mix pie in my hand. But to summarize i read a lot,mostly blogs, talked to a cousin who FYI must be regretting being my 'Agony Aunt' right now ! :) But when you read about other people's lives,all that stuff that they are going through,somewhere you begin to realize that you are either going through the same or have experienced it already. I am not saying that everybody has the same life,that is preposterous but more or less the plot is same !

One blog mentioned the agony of a simple girl who is finding it hard to be accepted by her friends and peers because she is fat ! Well i am not being rude,but i think if you have to, then be blunt and call fat,instead of toning it down and calling plump or chubby. What's the sin in being fat anyways ! There are just some body related issues with you,that is it. One can be fat and still be fabulous and likewise slim and dumb ! Ha,even i was laughed at by a lady at gym yesterday but then so be it,i care the least bit. Why do people not see it,laughing at someone's expense demeans your own self not the other person. I walked into gym today and casually asked about the identity of that lady,i dont care what she thinks about me. And why should i ! Seek for no one's approval atleast in the context of your looks. We are not bodies with a soul,we all are actually souls with temporary bodies !

Next i read quite a famous blogger,you know the kind with three figure followers. Honestly the blog was trash and she is busy spreading it to twitter,tumblr,flickr and everywhere she could lay her hands at. She had nothing specific to say. All her posts were bland,heartlessly wriiten and talked of various public and personal  issues but none that could strike straight through heart. Abandoned. Why do people write anyways ! To be famous ! That's plain silly,writing is an art,it is a way of life,respect it and if not we can always learn ! I am ! Next i read a blogger whom i had admired for long,but reading her makes me think that really no-one's life is as easy or perfect as it seems. I mean i would think she is settled abroad,married and all,oh-what-so-perfect-life,i would trade her for mine anyday and yet she is facing some grave problems in her life that she is struggling to deal with. I pray she finds her peace.

Reading about all these different people along with the oscillating life modes that i am going through made me think that what exactly is different then ! Here i am sitting and brooding over some wrong choices in my life,choices that might not even leave any indelible mark,but sitting and worrying about it is making me lose the precious time that i have in hand now ! It's gonna rain in a little while here,i hope there would be showers of blessings in life of each one of us. (even the lady who laughed at me in the gym) hahhaa hell ya she did motivate me to work harder atleast :)

I am so much reminded of a scene from rocky series right now,probably the fourth,where rocky sits talking to his son about how he is always a wee bit scared of at being beaten down in the ring,but after the first blow all he thinks is of going further just an inch and making it to the next round. That made me think what if we too did the same. What if i break my life into days and hours and tell myself 'Today i am gonna keep myself happy,or for the next three hours il watch a movie or read a book and treat my senses to some pleasure or educate myself' That could work out right ? We never know, inspite of all the problems at this very moment  we might be actually mighty blessed. To dwell in each moment would be the best thing to do right now.

And now i would go and get soaked crazy in the rain. :)

Friday, April 13, 2012

Blind Faith

Once when a demon is driven away from her residing place,she roams the whole Earth and when she doesn't find any place suitable,she returns back with seven other demons to reclaim her old place.

You all must have heard of this,but i am living it now ! Trust me,next time when you know that God wants you to do a certain specific thing,do not question His judgement nor His timing,just do it. Blind Faith.

Many a times we think we are better equipped to run our life. That we are makers of our own destiny. That nobody but us,know what's best for us. Guess what,we do not ! I had everything in the world once,i even had a conscience ! Best of it,i had the hand of God himself guiding my path. Alas,i screwed up it all. I never doubted His wisdom,i just made the mistake of doubting His timing.

Consider a scenario,your mum asks you to switch of the stove,on which dinner is cooking. One way to disobey is not to listen to her at all ! That would burn the dinner. Second way to disobedience is that you do not doubt her judgement,but you just say to yourself that you would definitely switch off the stove,just not now,may be later,at your own convenience ! That would'nt be useful too anyways,right ? It would burn the dinner, all the same.

The grave mistake we all do is to wait for a better time to fulfill our calling,but the bad news my friend is that if you have lost the timing,you have lost it all. If you know something in your heart, that you want to do,just go for it. Like i have heard people say they want to support a child (i am just using a mild example) then just dont sit and think about it,go for it. Not just donations or charity is what i am talking about. Sometimes you know in you heart that the path you are following is not for you,like you might feel in your heart to leave certain habits/person,but you just stick to it,may be because of convenience or due to your ego or else to prove that you could do with your life whatever you want to ! But if you hear the tiniest of voice in you to turn back and run,do not commit the blunder of ignoring it. You must have heard better late than never,but my advice better early than late.

Some time before i just wrote a short post,it was not so much as a post as a cry for mercy and a confession. I was so happy to see comments on it,and talking to people respond to it,really did lift up my spirit. It didnt heal the wound,but it eased the pain. Even today i want to do the same. I have been a bad person,right from the time,i started disobeying Him. It started with small things and moved onto the bigger stuff. I have done some things that my God despises. I can tell all of you now that there are no short cuts to success. No matter what one accomplishes,how much bank balance one creates,or how "successful" one becomes,if we lose favour in His eyes,we have lost everything. There is no peace,no serenity,no calm. World looks like a crowded place where you end up being dead-lonely. All you do then is to run from pillar to post finding peace that eludes you every step of the way. That my friend,is the result of being forsaken by your only one true guide,your almighty. 

Penance is tough,and tests your patience to the very limit. Pray often to keep yourself away from temptation,it may come disguised as cheating,dishonesty,lying,ways to make easy money. Even the things that world considers right,are wrong. I have heard myself telling me so many times 'it's ok,everybody does it,it's no big deal',turns out...it is a big deal. You fall once and then you keep falling.The only reason i write this post is to remind myself that sometimes i might not be the best person to solve my problems. And when you know in your heart,that you are being called upon to do something,do not doubt....or delay the calling.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Loneliness is vast and scary

इसी दोराहे पर 

अब ना इन ऊँचे मकानों में कदम रखूँगा 
मैने इक बार ये पहले भी कसम खायी थी 
अपनी नादार मोहब्बतों की शिकस्तो की तुफैल 
ज़िन्दगी पहले भी शरमाई थी, झुन्झुलाई थी

और ये अहद किया था बा-इन-हाले-तबाह
अब कभी प्यार भरे गीत नहीं गाऊंगा

फिर तेरे कांपते होठो की फुसंकर हस्सी
जाल बुनने लगी,बुनती ही रही 

तेरी चुप चाप निगाहों को सुलगता पाकर
मेरी बेज़ार तबियत को भी प्यार आ ही गया

अपनी बदली हुई नजरो के तकाज़े न छुपा
मैं इस अंदाज़ का मफहूम समझ सकता हु
तेरे ज़र्कार दरीचों की बुलंदी की कसम 
अपने अकदाम का मकसूम समझ सकता हु 

अब न इन ऊँचे मकानों में कदम रखूंगा
मैने इक बार ये पहले भी कसम खायी थी
इसी सरमाया-ओ-इफ़्लास के दुराहे पर
ज़िन्दगी पहले भी शरमाई थी,झुन्झुलाई थी

~ साहिर लुधिआनवी साहेब 


तुफैल : by means of
अहद : promise
बा-इन-हाले-तबाह : तबाह होने पर भी
फूसंकर : magical
बेज़ार : angry
तकाज़े : demand,claim
मफहूम : meaning
ज़र्कार : golden
दरीचों : window
बुलंदी : height
अकदाम : foot steps
मकसूम : future
सरमाया-ओ-इफ़्लास : wealth and poverty

Ever seen an Angel !

Ah it was heaven ! She has not had this much time to herself in quite a while and maanvi was so happy to be finally travelling alone and having all the time in the world for herself. She had so much on her hands,it was impossible to grasp the possibilities of all the adventure. Maanvi was sitting in the AC compartment of a Delhi bound train  from Chennai and couldn't imagine her luck at having absolute bliss of 40 hours at hand. All she had done so far,was gaze at the beautiful scenery out from the train window,read a novel and sip over gallons of hot coffee.

A temple in Chennai
It is absolutely wonderful and thrilling to be able to experience the beauty and ease with which the landscape had changed from coconut trees and colourful temples of Tamil nadu and Hyderabad to rough terrain of Maharashtra to the hustle and bustle of busy Madhya pradesh and Uttar Pradesh and finally she will be reaching New Delhi the next morning. No...she didn't want this journey to end. She thought sadly as she absent mindedly gazed over often read and re-read volume of Harry Potter-the Deathly Hallows.

All she wanted to do was to read this novel and sip hot coffee from the train pantry and gaze outside at the beautiful world speeding past her.

Chennai Central

Saravana Bhavan at Chennai Central
She loved the vast Chennai central and having idli-sambhar at the Saravana Bhavan,as much as she loved to have a cup of piping hot coffee in the middle of night at Warangal. She loved to stand at the edge of the train door at Vijaywada when the train roared past the mighty Krishna river.The thrill of the roaring waters of Krishna below and the lights at the bank of the cities ! 

Krishna River at Vijaywada
You have got to experince it, to feel it. Truck-loads of words are not befitting for it...not even close ! Then somwhere in the plains of Maharashtra comes a beautiful place called Gandhigram,a small town and believe me when i say, it looks as non-violent as it sounds ! She would get down at the Nagpur station to be pushed and shoved in the crowd,all for a glass of fresh juice of Nagpur oranges :) She would admire the city of Bhopal and would wake up early to check it out. Did you know bhopal has a slum running alongside the railway tracks and it might as well be the cleanest slum in India ! Well most of the times she would sit and stare as the train passed those slums and wonder if her room was as much clean as those slums ! Probably not :)

Somwhere down south :)
Well yeah she would miss all of that immensely. Even the excitement of finally finishing up college and returning back home could not cheer her up from the fact that this might have been her last journey,and suddenly there was yelling somewhere. All the people got up and craned their necks to find the epicenter of all the commotion and there she saw a passenger shouting at the AC car attendant. Pffew what a ruckus...and then there were talks of all the laziness of the attenders and how they would never get in clean sheets until you pound them up(verbally ofcourse). Many had stories about how public has to revert to strict measures to get the work done and pretty much quickly the war-zone had extended to all the government employees. For a while maanvi just politely nodded to all the chit-chat and petty talks that co-passengers make, just to avoid the boredom,more so at nights when there is nothing else to do,not even a scenery outside to absent mindedly gaze at ! Tonight though,nothing would stop her from having her 'me' time,she promised that to herself.

Lady travelling between the coaches

After gorging on the pantry food that she found unusually palatable and cherished on her last night of journey,she never knew when she slipped into the sweet oblivion. Only to be woken up by the shouts of 'Chai-chai' and the hustle-bustle of passengers waking up,and packing up their stuff excitedly as well as unnecessarily fast even though New Delhi was the terminal station. Guess,some habits die hard for Indians ! Maanvi woke up with a heavy heart,had and savoured her cup of tea and started packing,to just keep herself occupied. It took her unusually long time for unchaining all her baggage from the hooks at the base of the berths,at which point she realized she had carried too much,but couldnt help. She had packed off fom college,she had truck loads of stuff ! The train slithered into the New Delhi railway station as she bid adieu to the lovely journey. But where was her uncle ? Oh there he was....but heyy he just went past her compartment. Oh great, now what ! Everybody left off and she was stranded in the middle of a compartment with six heavy baggages...all alone !

All of a sudden, a coolie(porter) came and asked if she would like to hire him. She said 'no' and shifted her attention to the platform,where she could see her uncle running to the next coach,oh bugger...why couldnt he come this way ! She couldnt shout at him through sealed glass windows,but there was a graver problem inside those sealed glass windows,she turned and saw about 15 coolies all sitting around her,laughing and jiving at God knows what and for the first time in this journey was maanvi terrified,she had almost peed in her pants. All she could see was 15 satans in red,laughing at her through dirty tobacco stained teeth. Quick maanvi,if at all there is a time to say your prayers....it is now ! And just as she thought it,there appeared a lean and lanky frame of an angel and a kind voice asked her 'Do you need any help?'. Maanvi sprang from her seat and said 'yes,could you please just help me keep my luggage at the platform'. The angel helped her with bags,placed them beside a magazine stall on platform and asked her if she would be fine. Only after being satisfied he turned and climbed back into the coach,but not before giving her a reassuring smile. And then the AC car attender vanished from her sight.

Note: I was compelled to write this story over just a single thought "Have you seen or received an act of kindness from anyone!" Esp from a person who knew that you could never pay him back. If you have,then it is your duty to pass that good back into the universe. If you haven't...well all i could tell you my friend is that you haven't being paying attention. Pay more attention next time.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Ever judged someone's worth ?

It might look similar to us,but every person is different

What do you see yourself as ? Do u see yourself as the one who is just carelessly flung into the bloody and gory life,tossed and kickassed by the unfair world,or do you see yourselves as the person who is responsible for anything and everything that's happening with and around you !

I consider myself as the latter one. Though that might sound like i am the maker of my own destiny and the pilot of my own life,it is not so much comfortable when you had repeatedly screwed up your life,just like me ! Believe me, just because you were given a chance to choose your path and you ended up taking the wrong one is hardly a consolation for the grievous heart. But yes i do not have anyone to blame for where i am,atleast. I know a friend of mine,who falls into the first category. He thinks life's been unfair to him and that he was not given ample amount of opportunities. At first i used to listen to him and empathise. Not so much lately ! What could be the reason ?

Firstly the case could be that we hate people making excuses repeatedly. When they go on and on and on about how they couldn't do this or get that because of something that might have happened in their past ! My God,i have to admit that bugs me a little at times. But do you know the cardinal truth, i am no-one to judge him. I may find listening to his never ending excuses irritable but as a friend it is my responsibility to boost him up and get him going on the road to finding himself and his destiny. Afterall that's what friends and family are for ! I am reading this book 'The Great Gatsby' and the opening lines of the book were 'When you feel like criticizing  another person,never forget that not all the people had same advantages as you'

Who am i to judge someone as victor and another one as victim ! I have not been in their place,have not gone through their days. I mean i was given an opportunity,may be the other person did not have even that to prove his mettle. I pray that God save me from this act of judging any other person,because it's really His job,not mine. :)

Sunday, April 8, 2012


I normally do not write until i really want to or have to,but inspite of just having a single thought i have this urge to write it down lest i forget the way i feel now and here. Past few months have taken a huge toll on the part of me that exudes optimism. I have always since i can remember have been sorts of pollyanna myself. But tough times wear and tear you down beyond your worst nightmares.

But the thought that has stuck to my mind lately is "it just takes a single moment,for life to become wonderful". Reminds me profoundly of Jimmy Eat World number "It just takes some time" and yes even the idea is similar. I have been oscillating between breezes of positivity and pits of pessimism for so long that the state doesn't compel me to write anymore. I find my writing much easy flowing when i am distressed. But then i thought 'well yeea why not write something good..for a change'. I don't have much to write. I have just this one thought in my mind right now,much like a light at the end of a long,dark,perilous tunnel. Well more like a flicker of light,that i am not yet sure of,so it doesnt call on for a celebratory dance but makes your heart glow with a faint warmth and the feel of making out of it...finally.

I never write beyond the point where i feel i have done saying what i needed to. I do not like to read posts that keep on dragging and dragging even when there isnt anything left to said. So i would just stop here for you to contemplate it yourself. If you had taken out time to read this post i would like to personally tell it you that it really just takes only a single moment for ALL of your life to turn around. Be a fighter and choose to live even through the troughs of life with dignity and integrity. Someday you will be happy that you did.

Friday, April 6, 2012


I am a bad person,i have so many times failed to keep my promises that i can no longer keep count of it. Promises to the people i dont mind,but i have failed considerably to keep my promises even with my God. Have failed Him in all and every context of the word. Have been dishonest,have lied and have brought Him nothing but utter shame and disgrace. All i rely upon is the fact that God is a faithful God, that He is a merciful God and like He receives the prodigal son He would be kind enough to receive me too.

Monday, April 2, 2012

to aziztarin doostami... (you my dearest friend)

I am a very difficult person to live with. I am lazy,laid-back,short tempered and stubborn almost to the point of being obnoxious. I have no idea as to how and why people even put up with me !  My friends are so numbered it seems as if  i am poor to the extent of affording any. Well i have just four good friends,and they are the four nicest people on this planet earth,also i think they are four of the most patient people on this planet as well. I never call,message or try to have any human contact with them whatsoever. I am busy with my own little world and a bunch of some silly stuff,and i never even bother to consider taking out time for them.

God bless their souls,they everytime claw their way back into my life. And as selfish as i am,they are still there with me in my every need...at my beck n call. They are the angels who light up my dark days and also the devils who beat me with their clubs when i need that bashing. But they keep me grounded and sane,there isn't any doubt in it. As to why am i so "anti-social" i have no idea at all ! I like to believe that i am just plain lazy :) That's probably the nicest and the least sickly of all the probable explanations.

I haven't been a good friend to any of them. For some i haven't been at the time of her need,for other i have been inconsiderate sometimes,and still other times i had been blatantly careless. To my family i owe a lot,they have stuck by me without questioning when i needed them. I can never forget how supportive my parents had been when i didn't make it through my PG entrance exams. They still are very kind to me,that actually i do not deserve :) Like the prodigal son they accepted me back without demanding any explanations or apology. But friends have been someone who had helped me come so far,and made me "acceptable" to the human race :)

Oh i talk to them for hours together and bore them with my endless jibber-jabber. Which they patiently listen to and provide me with some precious advice too. They act almost like my shrink ! Only that they aren't getting paid ! Infact they have to call me up and listen to my painlessly boring botherings at my whim and fancy :) Thank you guys for without you life wouldn't have been same for me. At times alone and mostly with you all i have safely come so far,and i believe that with you beside me i could make it as far as i am supposed to....and may be even beyond :)

Thanks and love ya :*

Are we all connected !

Have you ever thought about your role here...at the exact place where you are now,at this exact point of time? Have you ever wondered about things being connected to each other as in cause and effect scenario,like what they say everything that happens,happens for good (if not ours,may be someone else's-that's what i believe). We might not be able to see the whole picture now,but someday when i see the picture,may be this all will make some sense. I will finally grasp the importance of certain someone in my life whom i really despise now or may be am just uncomfortable living with. Or a certain situation in my life would prove to be a turning point in some way or the other. Just like when a movie is being made in bits and pieces the actors have no idea what it's all about,but they are expected to give their best shot nevertheless.

Do you also believe in things being connected to each other in some deep ways,in ways beyond our contemplation ? That tiny random incident with a stranger while travelling in a train that you just can't push out of your mind,a routine chat with a friend or comments here on blog ! Offlate i have found myself looking a little too much into all these things in life,these things that we tend to oversee. Or sometimes it might be the bleak seconds by which you missed an accident or a mishap,turn of events that disappoint you now,but which you would be able to understand only later !

Recently i saw this tv show 'Touch' and it worked like gasoline in fire. It felt like an epiphany ! It might be just a tv show,but when i watched it i found myself so much......what to say...mortal ! It makes you feel how small you are in this huge P L A N. Makes you feel stupid for fretting over petty things. I do believe that every incident,every person is designed specially for me. Even a person whom i might not know well,but chat or converse here on my blog,is destined to be in my life for some special purpose. By some plan he/she has arrived in my life,might be just on the fringes,but yes nevertheless. Never take any acquaintance casually. If you like someone let them know. Be generous with your praise,you never know how badly the other person might need it. It doesn't cost you anything...a kind word,a kudos for encouragement,or a smile on a tough day might make all the difference in some one's life. No person is an island. Every person has a role to play in our life and vice-versa. How we play that role is upto us. You don't want to end up doing a lousy job at the end.


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