"Go into yourself. Find out the reason that commands you to write; see whether it has spread its root into the very depths of your heart; confess to yourself whether you would have to die if you were forbidden to write." Rainier Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

What was i even thinking !

Alyssa Monks Painting,one of my favourite,i call it resurrection

I am not going to write anything new today. I am just going to put some questions and would expect to receive some answers..hopefully. Ever heard the phrase "The first love is the true love,the next ones are just it's replicas".

I strongly disagree with it. Standing at some considerable distance from my teenage now and also a safe distance from my first ever romantic escapades i can now read into them a little more clearly. What's evoked the thought are a couple of blogs written by my friends a lot younger than me. I can relate totally to their feelings,oh yes i put myself mentally into 'that timeline' and then when i read them,they are very relevant. But just all in that timeline,that's it.

So what happens now ! Well i grew up. The paper is at a safe distance from me to focus my sight properly and read perfectly. We are invariably always in a hurry back then. No not stupid but we are passionately curious ! That's it. We had heard of love and relationships,we had been brought up on the regular dose of bollywood romantic flicks and had been humming and daydreaming over the love songs for too long. So we just want to try it on,and feel what it is like.

So we enter it naive,we have no idea what to expect out of it,and just when we were patting our backs for finding that "someone made for us",trouble enters stealthily, and there is all not well in the dreamsville. He gets bored,we are still so much into it,he sulks,we object,he feels trapped,we want to talk and solve it out (always),he is dangerously suffocated now (oh boy),we sulk,we cry,we blabber,we dig the story ferociously and a few corpses as well,then soften a bit (desperate attempt to resuscitate what's left in it),we talk and talk,more sobs,cry,rant and rave,name-calling follows,he stops talking.Period.

And then we become wise,like once bitten-twice shy ! We are enlightened now. We know now what we want,but more importantly we do know what we don't want. Akin to bying jeans! The first time around,you are too cuckoo-headed to realize what you want. And then years of practice and embarassing camel-toe and peeking grand-canyons later we are wise enough to know 'our-kind-of-jeans'. No more are we blinded by shines of the fancy and pricey labels,we aren''t drawn nuts by myriads of style and makes and fabrics and stitchings and etc etc etc. We just stroll about casually,lay one eye on it,and voila 'we know'. We just know it is right for us.

Sorry for the lame comparison (might be offensive for some) but that's just to drive my point home. So isn't it right that every other time we had just grown wiser knowing what exactly would suit us and work right for us !      
For a long time now,i had been ridiculing myself for the choices i had made earlier in my life. As a result of which i had found it better to just swallow my voice and thoughts in the vital matters concerning my life and to let my parents and/or destiny chalk it out for me. But then why shouldn't i !

Well i had always believed in 'someone-somewhere-made-for-you' no amount of denying would help me out there. I guess a little girl in me would always believe in it,no matter how much i ask her,or cajole her,or force her not to. But the perspective has changed. I longer have that fairy land sewed to it. It's just a clear realisation, if i must put it that way ! It's just this fact that stands tall,with each passing day. The foundation stone etched with the words that "Everytime it didn't turn out well with someone else,remember it's taking you one step closer to the right one"


palak said...

da way u have expressed da feeling dat each girl goes through in her life is so purely n truely expressed..really one day or the other ol dreamz..da fairy tales shatter n u ve 2 be practical;...da day..itself is so hurtful..bt killing da fairy tale child in urself is jst 2 hard :( dats da hard fact!

Dr Mandeep Khanuja said...

Actually palak that little child need not die,has to just grow up. (which is again kind of sad ) but u know there IS love,and it is for us to believe and if we do that it would come to us..for sure.

Miss Iffa said...

I recently stumbled across your blog and I LOVE it! I love the layout to the content and everything in between! I am your newest, most avid follower.


Dr Mandeep Khanuja said...

Thanks Iffa for the praises. I am humbled. By the way you have a beautiful arabic name !


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