"Go into yourself. Find out the reason that commands you to write; see whether it has spread its root into the very depths of your heart; confess to yourself whether you would have to die if you were forbidden to write." Rainier Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

Saturday, March 17, 2012

The same way that i live.

For quite some time now,i had been living my life mindlessly. I just get up,do my job,finish my day,have my dinner,and got to bed. No goals,no aims,no expectations,no nothing. And frankly i am tired and sickened by all this. It's a fight almost daily, a fight to keep down the negative thoughts and to keep myself afloat even in all this muck. It takes a huge amount of effort to keep me just 'alive' from one day to another.

I remember the day when a professor was taking the class on "Ventilators and artificial respiration" back in college. She said "ventilators breathe for those who cannot breathe for themselves". And i thought to myself yeah that does some hell of a job ! I smirked. How i wish i had a ventilator right now. Because i sure am in no mood to even breathe. That does sound miserable, i know. But for once i want to beat down my never-dying-optimism and want to accept that i am sad when i am sad. If that makes me sound less impressive to people ! So it be then,i am a human too. I have all the right and privilege in this world to feel sad or miserable and to cry out loud when i want to.

One of my facebook friends posted a status about ants always stopping by to talk to each other even when they are busy. It's the only thing that i read today in all day. The ants actually are talking they are communicating through chemical signals,telling each other about food or danger or some other stuff relevant in antsville i guess. They are much more lucky than i am,i bet. Atleast someone talks to them. So much for friends. While on the topic of friends,i don't talk to many people.As it is i have a very few friends. Actually just a couple,with them i really talk my heart out. One of them is pregnant,and i don't want her child to grow up listening to my woes in her womb,so stopped minding her with my never-ending-misery. Good thing that she rarely reads my blog. Another friend of mine is too busy with his business and some other stuff that i am not sure about. He finds me too repetitive and to quote him "my thoughts have completely broken down and are dilapidated".

So that's it. What would you do if you are judged by your friends? I know i am not perfect,but i sure was at your side when you needed me,so am i asking too much for you to be there for me !  Divide your worries and they lessen,but whom to divide with ? What would you do if you have nowhere else to go,and even your friends think you are too much of a burden for them to mind and to handle ! I just write,and i write mindlessly...the same way that i live.

7 comments:

palak said...

:( :( :( m sad reading dis really!n i feel we both hav sme kinda nature n life..well at da end we jst ve 2 live by r own..:( no 1 will stand by us! in 2days tym vei less true frnz r dre whu r ready 2 leave ol dre wrk da moment dey see dat we r upset..its rare 2 find sch kinda ppl! n expecting frm ny1 is jst increasinjng da pain more yar! so jst buck up..yr n stay smiling!

Dr Mandeep Khanuja said...

thanks palak yupp feeling a lot better now,having put all my anguish into words,it's so much better,feels like i have talked to a friend indeed ! :)

palak said...

:) keep smiling bad tyms wil have to leave one day or da other :)

the.orchestra.of.life said...

dukh naahi, sab sukh hi hai re
haar naahi, sab jete

Dr Mandeep Khanuja said...

Thanks
you write beautifully :)

sridhar said...

It really a tough time when you find no one with whom you can share things, your worries, sorrows... The best thing that i can suggest is do the same that you are doing-"write it"... replicate each and every thought of your's into words, spit out all your worries, all your sorrows... you will feel much better...

Dr Mandeep Khanuja said...

Thanks sridhar that's exactly what i intend to. I very well know i am not the only one facing some adverse times in life. Who isn't ! Everybody is,i may still be in very comfortable state than many of them. So just writing lends me a channel to make my thoughts flow...it's about the only thing that's keeping me sane :)

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