Offlate i have been experiencing both calm and a sense of unrest simultaneously.
I feel so much settled and sediment'ed since i have started writing! I think that's because putting your feelings into words needs lot of introspection,concentrating on within and shuffling things deep inside instead of haywiring our brains with gossips and matters concerning others that should not be consuming our thought processes at all in the first place.
Writing needs a lot of understanding about the subject one chooses to write upon,and in my case it still is 'me'. I guess someday i would write about other things too,but for now it's all about exploring me and it sure has made me much more focused,introspective and yet shown me the bigger picture always.The more i understand myself the more i can understand others and their reasons of doing or saying or behaving in a certain manner. I am much less judging in my nature now than ever before,having brought my own flaws and faults to surface and dealing with them.
That all has invariably calmed me down. I read a lot,as much as i can without getting myself "influenced" by someone else's writing skills and pattern. I write exactly what i feel. And that's what i am so happy to be doing,and being honest with my writings irrespective of who from my family and friends would be reading, just liberates me!
A very dear and very close friend of mine,after reading my blog,said that i shouldn't be so honest with my feelings in my blog,u know putting everything on the line here! I am not unaware of his concern,i know he thinks it makes me dangerously vulnerable,i used to think that too! But the truth is it's turning out to be totally opposite of that,i am gaining much more confidence and shedding my prior inhibitions down here! i guess i am having one of those proverbial one-sided affair with my blog!
Today morning sitting on my terrace porch with a cup of tea in one hand and newspaper in the other,and my feet stretched out in the sun,i found my thoughts wandering into everything in the surrounding,guess i was searching for something to write about! It's always like that nowadays, off and on i find myself searching for topics,thoughts or stuff to write about. Though i had decided to take a break from writing lest i become insanely repetitive and boring,i discovered that won't last.I just have to write! I need to write! That keeps me safely within nonflammable range.The more i write i find myself doling out my doubts,anger,frustation and feel lighter and more in the state of being free to enjoy myself. So not writing made something wiggle in me...all the time...continuously...like some tape worm writhing inside finding a tissue to bury itself in, to derive energy from it.And hence i titled this post as writing blues.
Looking around at my mother's lovely green potted ferns with sunlight shining bright on them,and from there 'onto' me, i realized it would be an utter agony for me to set a topic and then to write on it! It's like caging my thoughts! When i want to write,i want it to flow from within me,i want these words to be the truest representation of me irrespective of how incoherent or unimpressive they may sound.