"Go into yourself. Find out the reason that commands you to write; see whether it has spread its root into the very depths of your heart; confess to yourself whether you would have to die if you were forbidden to write." Rainier Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

Monday, February 6, 2012

Changes

I always love articles with catchy titles,though the one i am writing now doesn't have any. For the simple reason that i don't want it to. I want it to say exactly what i am thinking at the moment,and i am just thinking about 'change'.What started this thought process was looking my face in the mirror. While at it,i noticed a couple of grey hairs that made me inspect my face for any fine lines,wrinkles and even crow's feet. Well i hope not to ! But what i saw didn't make me worry,instead it just made me think that how far i had come !

Just a couple of years back,or so it seems,i had gone to college! There i had learnt to live without the protection and instructions of my parents,had learnt to fend for myself,spent sleepless nights alone when i used to be ill,had bought my first dress,gone for the first college trip,coffees,parties,movies, and also i had been this oh-so-sensitive girl who would cry at the drop of ball and could be easily provoked to have huge outbursts of anger,that many people around me had to suffer in silence as if they owed me something ! I am so sorry for all that mess i had caused back in my college days and really have apologized a million times in my mind to anyone whom i had offended then. I still cry easily but i don't get these humoungous outbursts anymore. I get angry,oh yes,but both the quantity and frequency has decreased substantially.

Makes me wonder how much i have changed ! Things that had been huge issues and worthy of holding up my chin and making and holding those stinky-faces seem so very futile now. Topics that seemed "non-reconcilable" just a year back had just vanished into thin air! Where are those arch enemies,where is that bitterness,complex issues,hard held grudges! Where are those people whom we had refused to let go,the relations that were to break only at our death beds,promises that were meant to last a lifetime!

Nothing stays..people change,situations change,opinions change,thought processes change because it's 'time' that change! Time is a powerful tool,a mighty one. As you move away in years from a certain occurence in life you realize it wasn't as huge or relevant as it had seemed back then. Time in it's relativity shows and teaches us that we watched it differently because we were too upclose back then,much like when we hold the paper too close to our eyes and we lose the focus. At a distance..the story stands entirely different. Things that had hurt mightily back then,don't hurt that much now,matters of hate and grudge seem menial,people you had really despised..well u don't even remember why you had hated them so much in the first place! And every once in a while we think 'oh what a wuss i had been,back then'

It's true, life is what happens to us,while we are busy doing other things. Life is what happens when we are paying the least attention to it. Life is what happens when we are having a cozy dinner with our family,life is what happens..when we sit and share a joke with our loved ones,life is what happens..when we are laughing like a maniac with our best friend on some silly matter,life is what happens..when you see your kids playing in the park,life is what happens..when you are listening to a song and lose yourself in it from tip to toe.All these moments when we are totally unaware of it....life is happening.

It's never of our choosing,it would never be of our choosing,we could just give it a drift and the best we could do is to...well just go through it with 'as less fuss' as possible. I use that phrase because it's not possible practically to be smiling always or to be happy go lucky kind(well for those of you who could do that,i have just two words:Lucky bas*****) :) but we could atleast try to frown less,to stay calm and try to take everything in stride,each little step by step. And that's how the ball rolls.

Aging ! So far hasn't scared me.I don't care how i look,if only i feel better along the way. Every time i am tempted to be materialistic and insensitive,i remind myself that i don't intend to be sitting a few years from now and thinking- if only i had a chance to do that one thing a little bit differently !

2 comments:

renu_milestogo said...

Its mind-blowing yaar...I'm loving this conclusion.."I use that phrase because it's not possible practically to be smiling always or to be happy go lucky kind(well for those of you who could do that,i have just two words:Lucky bas*****) :)".
Keep ur thought up..n keep writing..:))

Dr Mandeep Khanuja said...

tons of thanks renu di.Coming from someone like you this compliment means much to me !

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