"Go into yourself. Find out the reason that commands you to write; see whether it has spread its root into the very depths of your heart; confess to yourself whether you would have to die if you were forbidden to write." Rainier Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Tale of being..Me


Two days back i celebrated my 30th bday. I was terrified and physically sickened to have myself landed in 'this' space. I was 30 and still single while my friends were posting their happy-family pictures with kids or atleast husbands. And here i am 30 and single!

I was scared of facing my 30th bday,i planned to sleep over it,but that was practically not possible,i planned to switch off my phone and lock myself up in my room,but i figured that it would take a hell lot of effort to build up excuses for those couple of friends who i knew would call me up at midnight and if not to anybody else then i am atleast answerable to you(Krati jain and Pratham raj) :) Then i thought why not bravely face what's inevitable ! So i did put up a smile,took wishes from mum and dad and talked to the two of my best friends and settled back to my reading of 'Red Dragon'.

Somewhere around 2 when i was retiring to bed,i had this strange feeling,i suddenly felt 'different',felt a little more relaxed and a lot more confident. What dawned on me was i guess the realization that all this while i have survived,with or without help but i have,and i surely would even now. I don't give a rat's ass about having an affair for the heck of it,or for getting married just because i am supposed to.I am finally happy being me! I have a job,it doesn't build up my bank balance but it sure does keep me on my feet,i am reading a lot,writing happily and even experimenting with colors,i no-more get worked up by things easily and burst up in flames,over the years i have learnt to be less judgmental and just enjoy what life brings my way,i feel stable much like in steady warfare position,feet firm flat on the ground and for the first time in many many years i am so sure and confident of myself. And i surely am not ready to throw all of that away...so this bday i 'actually' celebrated being more 'me'


5 comments:

Grace said...

:)

Vicky Dada (Vikas) said...

Even when we are in the middle of all the people, all the noise and all the activity - the only truth that we can truly believe in - is our own self. Loneliness is the only reality in this world. I am not saying this in a sad way, but in a philosophical sense. Can you truly understand another person as much as you understand yourself? In fact, you can't even understand a flower as well as you know yourself.. so the only absolute reality for you is YOU alone! and is that YOU which you celebrated recently.

I wish you keep celebrating your self and always be on this journey of trying to realize more of yourself - through your insights, thinking and writings.

Marriage, friendship, affairs.. these are things people do for worldly pleasures. For satisfying their lust or for getting a sense of security. All relationships are 'business partnerships' in some way or the other. The only true relationship is the one you have with your own self.

Live a life such that you never cheat the one true person that you love the most in this world - YOURSELF.

Dr Mandeep Khanuja said...

In a way vikas it is a little frightening! Is it suppose to be like this? Am i not turning into a loner !!!?

Vicky Dada (Vikas) said...

You know, Mandeep! I don't quite know if a person can become a loner consciously. In most cases, I think its an inclination that would be built-in right from childhood. We are all born with certain innate natures you see. If you have a bent in you to be lonely, then you can't run away from it. You will be faking if you try to be friendly all the time. Something inside you will start getting suffocated until you spend some lonely moments in a day atleast.

My advice - just go with the flow. If you feel like being alone, just do it. No need to lock yourself and meditate, just do things which make you appreciate yourself more. Don't fear being a loner.. it won't go to such an extreme phase that you are getting scared of.

As long as you are living in a society with your near and dear ones around you, things will surely return back on track. Until that happens, may your soul enjoy its honeymoom with itself.

Dr Mandeep Khanuja said...

Thanks vikas,you have put it brilliantly.I am certainly learning to celebrate myself only now! i have decided to be happy with me now,instead of being happy with or for someone else.At the risk of sounding selfish i confess that no more just giving away and going out of my way to make someone else comfortable at my cost.Whatever has to come, will come in it's own sweet time and till then as you said..it's honeymooning with myself !

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