"Go into yourself. Find out the reason that commands you to write; see whether it has spread its root into the very depths of your heart; confess to yourself whether you would have to die if you were forbidden to write." Rainier Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Immolation


There comes a time in our lives,when everything on the out seems a little too cluttered but even then nothing seems 'enough' on the inside.

Looking inside my heart i find so many people,so many memories stuffed up in there, that filling it with other new things could cause a massive spillage.I want to have so many new experiences, paradoxically it feels as if i have just started my life! As if the air has but caressed the inside of my lungs for the very first time,like the blood has just a moment ago lovingly brushed past my veins,But those shitty laws of physics return to screw you and it seems u have to empty everything in order to make place to fill it with something new.Sometimes it becomes mandatory to leave even that one bird in the hand and stand at the end of the cliff and spread out hands and welcome whatever new that life wants to bring into our arms.

But how i wish i could empty my heart of all the things of past,present and seemingly of the thoughts of the future too,very similar to how i empty my purse to clean it up.Tel me how to take out one's heart,zip it open and flip it on the bed and shake all it's contents out! Wish i could reach deep in it's gorges, put my hand in and scoop out everything that has been lying or hiding there for ages..pain,grief,agony,gut wrenching fear of losing a loved one and times of sob-till-you-sleep...all gone.Just be done with all the stuff and make place for all things new,fresh and yet to be found.

Looking around in my room now,there are so many things that i see, that my mind even finds it difficult to register each one of them! And yet how many of these things do i actually need to live! Do i need to have that pretty lampshade by my bed side! I doubt it, because i mostly work in tubelight.Do i need those cute little cusions on my bed! Doubt it again because two pillows are all that i need.Call me drab and boring but i hate beautifying my surroundings or myself. Hell where is the time when i can write and read and paint and experience so much stuff! I by nature do not notice very many things,may be because how things look doesn't matter much to me,if they solve the purpose of them being there,it's enough.Ditto for people how they look doesn't matter a wee bit,but how they make me feel is all that counts.

At a wedding function tonight my mom talked about a certain girl who has 'bagged' a hot-shot.She pointed out to me that how she has 'managed' to catch a pick whose family owns factories in belgium and they supposedly have their own chartered plane too.While i found the couple cool,well groomed,nice-to-chat-to,typical metrosexual type, she went on about all their 'richy-rich' ways of flying from bombay to kota with three house-help's and all,while i was busy gorging some hot moong ki daal ka halwa and treating myself to the live music being played. I think i quite made a fool of myself as i was the only person sitting and listening to them play lovely hindi instrumentals.That moment was like the rain parching my soul that's deprived of any titillating live music performances in this small town of mine.(The musicians who looked every bit like the cool college going guys for whom music is a way of life but have to play for some cash in hand,looked my way smiling once in a while when i bobbed my head to their music and nodded my approval everytime the violinist soared brilliantly through a piece of music)But excuse me, who needs a chartered plane and tons of cash when u have piping hot halwa and can listen to some beautiful violen in cool january breeze!

Coming back to the topic,driving my way back i found myself thinking about that movie 'Into The Wild' and there was this sudden moment of epiphany when i realized why the protagonist being a Harvard graduate,and a potential Law student, donates his college fund of 25000$ burns his cash and leaves for alaska ! it's because the more we have,the more we would crave for,and the less we have,the less we would need.

If there could have been an easier way of doing that,i would have done it by now. Like emptying the room and then keeping only that which is needed. Sometimes i feel that it could be done,when i see a painting i feel how there have been some angry strokes that actually have been slashed away there with a hope that by doing so the heart would be ripped of it's useless filthy layer(the beautiful,vibrant canvas then becomes a trash can for the artist's heart). When i see some pictures, like the one that i am posting in this blog, is another representation of destroying the existing ever-knowing ourselves to give place to a new heart to be born..that could hold a new thought..that could nurture within itself a new idea..a new love.


2 comments:

Vicky Dada (Vikas) said...

who needs a chartered plane and tons of cash when u have piping hot halwa and can listen to some beautiful violen in cool january breeze... thats the definition of life, right there!

Dr Mandeep Khanuja said...

I know!!!! people might consider this thought silly but it's true, money seems to take sheen out these small things that give real "joy" !!
Thank God i don't have excess money! I have and want and pray for 'just enough' no more and no less than that :)

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