"Go into yourself. Find out the reason that commands you to write; see whether it has spread its root into the very depths of your heart; confess to yourself whether you would have to die if you were forbidden to write." Rainier Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

Thursday, January 19, 2012

The First Strokes

Finally i gave in.

For a long time i avoided it,ignored it,shoved it aside by busying myself somewhere else, even suppressed the urge fiercely,but i gave in today ! Today i painted :)
Since i wrote a blog and i mentioned that i wish i could paint,the idea stuck to me like a leech. I had been checking out a few art sites and had been watching paintings since about a month now. Though i am fully aware of my 'artistic' talents and their limitations, today i just longed for it,all day long!
I took a day leave (which i do quite often nowadays) to concentrate on my reading(i am already way behind! and haven't read so may books! OMG). So with my morning tea i devoted all my day to Jhumpa Lahiri's 'The Interpreter of Maladies' but my mind kept on going back to painting! It goes about like...'She flung open the drawers of the bureau and the door of the closet,with sarees of every texture and shade,brocaded with gold and silver threads'..hmm.....how to make gold in paint! I wish i had a brush full of gold paint in my hand right now! How good it would feel! And what about the textures of the painting! Oh the feel when u move fingers along that rough textured canvas! Oh shit...oh no yes the novel..so where was i! Something about gold i guess!!!

That was irritating really! Finally my instinct won over my will and i was off to the market to buy some paints and a sketch book.It's awkward buying that if u don't have kids of your own,i tell you! I realized it soon enough and pretended to buy it for some kid as a gift or whatever! Reached home,thought my 'real me' won't make my 'sensible me' do any more stupid things,and just dumped my shopping onto the sofa and i lied down watching 'The American'. When distracted i always prefer watching movies over reading. Reading is a sincere activity,you have to feed yourselves cautiously,take in words properly,grasp them,just don't go about them carelessly,or else you fail to build the book in your mind. On the contrary watching movies is like being spoon-fed,someone else has already done the job for you,made the dish,served it,and actually is feeding you too! Just chew it and swallow! Lot easier for the times when my 'real me' kicks up.

George Clooney saves my day for an hour there,and i turn back my attention to Madame Lahiri. Go through half of it,get ready for clinic,reach clinic and dammit i still want to paint! What does a girl has to do to keep her stupid intentions at bay! I mean i am no artist! And God knows not the least bit a painter! I mean i really respect them and actually am in awe of what they do! It's not an easy bit!(sorry for making them sound like nuns or rabbi) but C'mmon painting is noway same as writing! I know words, so i can write! How the hell am i supposed to paint! I don't even know how to make colours! How to move the brush and strokes is entirely different universe!

Half an hour later,i give in.

I leave the clinc,run to my room,and did the most stupid,impulsive thing i had done in months! I Paint! i am just thankful that i am not having any urge to share it publicly :P
So my first painting is of an outline of a woman,surrounded by black n dark walls on three sides! But one side is open and she can see huge bits of clear sky from there,vast expanse of clear blue sky with a little tinge of yellow rays. That's it. My first step. It's a baby step i know! It may not turn into anything,i was wondering if that sketch book would be soon buried somewhere in my cupboard,never again seeing the light of the day!And those paints about which i was so pointedly inquiring the shopkeeper that whether or not they would dry up soon,would actually get dried up sooner than i thought! What if some day i would come across that sketch book and smile on my foolish attempt.What if someone sees it and laughs at me! It sounds and looks so naive.
But then who knows it might turn out to be something! i might have stumbled upon something and discover that i have found a treasure under my feet,much like i found my writing.


Vicky Dada (Vikas) said...

Naturally people expect to see a glimpse of the painting in this post. :)

Dr Mandeep Khanuja said...

hehee but it's hardly a painting! I think i actually wasted a sheet of nice and crisp scrap book. But thanks and as soon as i have even one that's just decent enough i will share with you :)


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