"Go into yourself. Find out the reason that commands you to write; see whether it has spread its root into the very depths of your heart; confess to yourself whether you would have to die if you were forbidden to write." Rainier Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Of Mindless Things....and More

I categorically remember the day i took my first baby step in this virtual world.

I always thought social networking sites are a complete waste of time. Orkut/fb/gtalk are for people who have nothing better to do with their lives. Or else who in their sane minds would prefer to sit behind a computer screen and talk silly,all the time! Nevertheless i joined all these sucker online sites.....well i had to post my pictures somewhere!! But cropping,retouching and uploading pics sort of loses it's charm after a couple of months. Fb came as a mighty rescuer...i was on a 'friend-making' spree! Not having any interesting friends back then to talk to,i would frantically be jumping from one profile to another,shooting out friend requests faster than autistic kids throw frisbees,the frequency of which was stalled only when fb had to deactivate my 'friend request sending' option from time to time..yeah that's how i learnt such an option even exists! Well those were the rosy days of making friends,chatting,getting to know about their college,work,family and friends (in any and which order)

Those days i was sucker for anything that would hold my attention for anywhere near 7 min. There was an avenue where i could meet new people,talk to them introduce them to my life easily,and if they turn out to be complete wuss or not so interesting,then eliminate them as easily by a simple option 'defriend' (kudos to fb for inventing this concept) Well suddenly i was this young,outgoing,flamboyant girl who wasn't scared of new stuff in her life. All our life we girls are taught to maintain a distance from unknown people and then suddenly i wasn't so much afraid of 'strangers'.Well my argument was i am a stranger too for someone! Am i not!

I had an amazing time,talking to people from different cultural backgrounds,from all age groups,all walks of life,different mindsets,different ideologies,different states,different family values....and then suddenly i got tired of everything. My scrutiny chart for accepting friend requests that used to read 'the person should not be a pervert..at the least' suddenly got lengthier and lengthier and i suddenly stopped accepting any friend requests altogether. I realized i had exhausted myself,i had burnt up all the fuel i had and could go on no more with this insanity. So i stopped chatting and replying to any casual hi and hello's. It's been a long time since i had known the joy of a conversation that begins with 'Hi,where do you stay,and what do you do'.

What followed was a long process of 'weeding' my friend list and within two days i had 200 ''friends'' lesser.With no offence to anyone of them, but it got just too congested for me to handle. I talk to and interact with a very tight group of people now,and for rest of them who wonder why there isn't any notification from me,well the truth is they are 'unsubscribed'(another brilliant concept from fb).I don't see them at all,these phantom-friends of mine,and thus save my self the pain of going through their nonsensical ramblings about outings with their friends,or their pizza dates or their yiepppe moments complete with the pictures that include family,friends,kids,dogs,neighbors..basically anyone that knows how to stand in front of the camera and smile stupidly for their pleasure and my pain. I mean why should i be tortured with pictures of your kids,however cute or non-cute they may be! Xcuse me, that doesn't interest me even a wee bit.All i use fb for nowadays is to check out my subscriptions of some art sites and to read some news portal pages and articles.

And just like that suddenly i had shut myself from the world.When we get tired from everything on the out that's when we start looking and exploring and knowing us from the inside.And that's how the cheerful and bubbly me who never used to leave an opportunity of having a nice coffee-time chat with anyone, turned into someone who would sit in her room alone for hours reading or writing,or sloshing paints mindlessly in scrap books,would roam around and take walks alone with ear-phones plugged in perennially and wish that no one would so much as even prod her with the slightest trace of a conversation.

I am cocooned now,not that i have turned into some kind of a sociopath! I like company,i like talking to people,people who could teach me,stimulate my thoughts,inspire me,stir a storm within me but i guess i would do all that in my own time.


There comes a time in our lives,when everything on the out seems a little too cluttered but even then nothing seems 'enough' on the inside.

Looking inside my heart i find so many people,so many memories stuffed up in there, that filling it with other new things could cause a massive spillage.I want to have so many new experiences, paradoxically it feels as if i have just started my life! As if the air has but caressed the inside of my lungs for the very first time,like the blood has just a moment ago lovingly brushed past my veins,But those shitty laws of physics return to screw you and it seems u have to empty everything in order to make place to fill it with something new.Sometimes it becomes mandatory to leave even that one bird in the hand and stand at the end of the cliff and spread out hands and welcome whatever new that life wants to bring into our arms.

But how i wish i could empty my heart of all the things of past,present and seemingly of the thoughts of the future too,very similar to how i empty my purse to clean it up.Tel me how to take out one's heart,zip it open and flip it on the bed and shake all it's contents out! Wish i could reach deep in it's gorges, put my hand in and scoop out everything that has been lying or hiding there for ages..pain,grief,agony,gut wrenching fear of losing a loved one and times of sob-till-you-sleep...all gone.Just be done with all the stuff and make place for all things new,fresh and yet to be found.

Looking around in my room now,there are so many things that i see, that my mind even finds it difficult to register each one of them! And yet how many of these things do i actually need to live! Do i need to have that pretty lampshade by my bed side! I doubt it, because i mostly work in tubelight.Do i need those cute little cusions on my bed! Doubt it again because two pillows are all that i need.Call me drab and boring but i hate beautifying my surroundings or myself. Hell where is the time when i can write and read and paint and experience so much stuff! I by nature do not notice very many things,may be because how things look doesn't matter much to me,if they solve the purpose of them being there,it's enough.Ditto for people how they look doesn't matter a wee bit,but how they make me feel is all that counts.

At a wedding function tonight my mom talked about a certain girl who has 'bagged' a hot-shot.She pointed out to me that how she has 'managed' to catch a pick whose family owns factories in belgium and they supposedly have their own chartered plane too.While i found the couple cool,well groomed,nice-to-chat-to,typical metrosexual type, she went on about all their 'richy-rich' ways of flying from bombay to kota with three house-help's and all,while i was busy gorging some hot moong ki daal ka halwa and treating myself to the live music being played. I think i quite made a fool of myself as i was the only person sitting and listening to them play lovely hindi instrumentals.That moment was like the rain parching my soul that's deprived of any titillating live music performances in this small town of mine.(The musicians who looked every bit like the cool college going guys for whom music is a way of life but have to play for some cash in hand,looked my way smiling once in a while when i bobbed my head to their music and nodded my approval everytime the violinist soared brilliantly through a piece of music)But excuse me, who needs a chartered plane and tons of cash when u have piping hot halwa and can listen to some beautiful violen in cool january breeze!

Coming back to the topic,driving my way back i found myself thinking about that movie 'Into The Wild' and there was this sudden moment of epiphany when i realized why the protagonist being a Harvard graduate,and a potential Law student, donates his college fund of 25000$ burns his cash and leaves for alaska ! it's because the more we have,the more we would crave for,and the less we have,the less we would need.

If there could have been an easier way of doing that,i would have done it by now. Like emptying the room and then keeping only that which is needed. Sometimes i feel that it could be done,when i see a painting i feel how there have been some angry strokes that actually have been slashed away there with a hope that by doing so the heart would be ripped of it's useless filthy layer(the beautiful,vibrant canvas then becomes a trash can for the artist's heart). When i see some pictures, like the one that i am posting in this blog, is another representation of destroying the existing ever-knowing ourselves to give place to a new heart to be born..that could hold a new thought..that could nurture within itself a new idea..a new love.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Tale of being..Me

Two days back i celebrated my 30th bday. I was terrified and physically sickened to have myself landed in 'this' space. I was 30 and still single while my friends were posting their happy-family pictures with kids or atleast husbands. And here i am 30 and single!

I was scared of facing my 30th bday,i planned to sleep over it,but that was practically not possible,i planned to switch off my phone and lock myself up in my room,but i figured that it would take a hell lot of effort to build up excuses for those couple of friends who i knew would call me up at midnight and if not to anybody else then i am atleast answerable to you(Krati jain and Pratham raj) :) Then i thought why not bravely face what's inevitable ! So i did put up a smile,took wishes from mum and dad and talked to the two of my best friends and settled back to my reading of 'Red Dragon'.

Somewhere around 2 when i was retiring to bed,i had this strange feeling,i suddenly felt 'different',felt a little more relaxed and a lot more confident. What dawned on me was i guess the realization that all this while i have survived,with or without help but i have,and i surely would even now. I don't give a rat's ass about having an affair for the heck of it,or for getting married just because i am supposed to.I am finally happy being me! I have a job,it doesn't build up my bank balance but it sure does keep me on my feet,i am reading a lot,writing happily and even experimenting with colors,i no-more get worked up by things easily and burst up in flames,over the years i have learnt to be less judgmental and just enjoy what life brings my way,i feel stable much like in steady warfare position,feet firm flat on the ground and for the first time in many many years i am so sure and confident of myself. And i surely am not ready to throw all of that away...so this bday i 'actually' celebrated being more 'me'

Saturday, January 21, 2012

The Stalker

Hidden behind the trees,it peers at me
like a long lost friend...it stares.
Round misty eyes of compassion
with the look that says 'i know what you are walking through there'

I hasten on my path and try well to ignore it
whatever it is that stares
I quicken my steps with darting looks behind me
and pretend it isn't there
I curse it now under my breath
but look guiltily towards it too
For it was not it's fault
t'was me who had been wrong and foolish ever, through n through.

There had been many laughs
and smiles too....back then.
Shy glances of twinkling eyes
with a pink heart within.
All that times the voice in you says
'Stop' and turn back
But then o' so beautiful bliss of young love!
Dove'y eyes with long lashes
gaze at someone with racing heart

But it's not long before ,that the twinkle is gone
and you are nothing but a wilted self

All this i hear it whispering behind me
And i wonder why i look back and see!
For they say what is left behind is not to be sifted
Life's ahead
and there sure is hope
My feet but strayed but with eyes of love.

I just gaze ahead,and walk
one mindless step in front of the other
but am aware of it walking behind me too!
Don't want to hate it,no more
nor want to feel sorry.
All i wish is to someday see it eye in eye
and just feel that it's part of me too.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

The First Strokes

Finally i gave in.

For a long time i avoided it,ignored it,shoved it aside by busying myself somewhere else, even suppressed the urge fiercely,but i gave in today ! Today i painted :)
Since i wrote a blog and i mentioned that i wish i could paint,the idea stuck to me like a leech. I had been checking out a few art sites and had been watching paintings since about a month now. Though i am fully aware of my 'artistic' talents and their limitations, today i just longed for it,all day long!
I took a day leave (which i do quite often nowadays) to concentrate on my reading(i am already way behind! and haven't read so may books! OMG). So with my morning tea i devoted all my day to Jhumpa Lahiri's 'The Interpreter of Maladies' but my mind kept on going back to painting! It goes about like...'She flung open the drawers of the bureau and the door of the closet,with sarees of every texture and shade,brocaded with gold and silver threads'..hmm.....how to make gold in paint! I wish i had a brush full of gold paint in my hand right now! How good it would feel! And what about the textures of the painting! Oh the feel when u move fingers along that rough textured canvas! Oh shit...oh no yes the novel..so where was i! Something about gold i guess!!!

That was irritating really! Finally my instinct won over my will and i was off to the market to buy some paints and a sketch book.It's awkward buying that if u don't have kids of your own,i tell you! I realized it soon enough and pretended to buy it for some kid as a gift or whatever! Reached home,thought my 'real me' won't make my 'sensible me' do any more stupid things,and just dumped my shopping onto the sofa and i lied down watching 'The American'. When distracted i always prefer watching movies over reading. Reading is a sincere activity,you have to feed yourselves cautiously,take in words properly,grasp them,just don't go about them carelessly,or else you fail to build the book in your mind. On the contrary watching movies is like being spoon-fed,someone else has already done the job for you,made the dish,served it,and actually is feeding you too! Just chew it and swallow! Lot easier for the times when my 'real me' kicks up.

George Clooney saves my day for an hour there,and i turn back my attention to Madame Lahiri. Go through half of it,get ready for clinic,reach clinic and dammit i still want to paint! What does a girl has to do to keep her stupid intentions at bay! I mean i am no artist! And God knows not the least bit a painter! I mean i really respect them and actually am in awe of what they do! It's not an easy bit!(sorry for making them sound like nuns or rabbi) but C'mmon painting is noway same as writing! I know words, so i can write! How the hell am i supposed to paint! I don't even know how to make colours! How to move the brush and strokes is entirely different universe!

Half an hour later,i give in.

I leave the clinc,run to my room,and did the most stupid,impulsive thing i had done in months! I Paint! i am just thankful that i am not having any urge to share it publicly :P
So my first painting is of an outline of a woman,surrounded by black n dark walls on three sides! But one side is open and she can see huge bits of clear sky from there,vast expanse of clear blue sky with a little tinge of yellow rays. That's it. My first step. It's a baby step i know! It may not turn into anything,i was wondering if that sketch book would be soon buried somewhere in my cupboard,never again seeing the light of the day!And those paints about which i was so pointedly inquiring the shopkeeper that whether or not they would dry up soon,would actually get dried up sooner than i thought! What if some day i would come across that sketch book and smile on my foolish attempt.What if someone sees it and laughs at me! It sounds and looks so naive.
But then who knows it might turn out to be something! i might have stumbled upon something and discover that i have found a treasure under my feet,much like i found my writing.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Hard to Deal

Some days suck.
They just squeeze the life force out of you,and leave you as a bare shell.A bare minimum of what you had been.You are no more happy and people who tell you 'Life is beautiful' you feel like punching them in their faces.

Actually i would be really happy if i did feel like an empty shell,i pray for the day when i wouldn't feel anything. Why can't my heart just go numb,why can't it stop feeling things..everything! Can i just give it a shot of Lignocaine!

All i want to do sometimes is to sit and be by myself,as if i am in mourning,grieving for something that has died! That has died in me....and left a huge void for me to deal with. And beside that void is a pile of rubble,if you see closely you can find pieces of a broken heart,a few shiny promise of love..whose lovely whispers have died down slow death,and also those shy smiles and glances with hints of love,faded and old and perhaps grown ugly,repulsive even.

And you blame yourselves,the people whose memories lie in that rubble and also everything in the universe.Those nights when u had slept with your last words of the day as "Good night,Love you too" had been replaced by nights when u stare into nothingness and think about how far you had come,and how lonely you have become. You promise yourselves 'Never again' and still a voice speaks from the deep gorges 'Please God have mercy..there must be someone!Ain't there'

And wait for sleep.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

It must be Scary being a Ghost

There was a time when i was a solitude lover. I had loved my 'me' time.
As long as i remember i had always enjoyed being by myself. I used to skip parties or family functions in my school days and sit by myself and daydream. Everybody thought i might be shy,no i wasn't. I could socialize when i wanted to,or when i felt like. But talking continuously to people who couldn't inspire me bores me. Well school days were the days of no-internet,but that dint stop me from sitting somewhere alone and and doing whatever i wanted to! My thoughts were all over the place,studies,future,friends,career,or i would be watching a movie,or listening to songs on tape-recorder,but i never complained being alone until about a few years earlier.

When happy we need family and friends to share,or the happy moments kinda lose their flavor! When upset we want to talk to our best buddy and suddenly the world doesn't remain all that gloomy. We expect a counted few to be with us,to share our lives with us,to comfort us when things don't go our way,and to laugh with us until our eyes tear up.

It's a scary feeling..being lonely.Sitting up at your workplace all day long.Swarms of people around you going about their jobs,unaware of your turbulent heart,and you think can't even one of them see me! Doesn't it make a difference to anybody that i am here...now,at this moment! How long we ourselves end up being like that! Seeing people in and out of jobs,and never knowing them! The office staff.gatekeepers,cleaning ladies how many times do we infact make an attempt at knowing what's on in their lives! Or do we even bother to see their faces,notice their smiles,or that glint of sadness in their eyes! Then how different are we from ghosts! Ever present..but never seen.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Your Every wish...will be done,They tell me!

When i was 6 i wanted to be 'Snow White'
Susan miss would make us enact 'Snow white and the seven dwarfs' every saturday in first grade and every time either abhilasha or megha would bag the role of snow-white.With no offence to the pretty ladies but for once i always wanted to be snowy white!

That's how we are,that's how we have always been.We wish for things that might never happen.We hope they come true even if that's a slim chance.

I never got to be snow white.I wish i could have mustered enough courage back then and asked to be.

A few years down the lane i wanted to be an architect,i wanted to build up something,to create something!That always fascinated me!

In college i wanted to be a lawyer.They look all scholarly and brilliant and also i was curious to learn how to lie without even batting an eyelid :P

After college i wanted to swim,so i learnt swimming,all the 4 strokes in a fortnight.My coach goaded me to practice more at it instead i joined guitar classes.

I learnt playing guitar(or attempted to do that)for about 4 months,during which i discovered that i actually want to learn drums.But with none of the music classes teaching drums in my city i left guitar classes and joined kathak.

Kathak fascinates me! I find it soothing and divine.

Then one day i just happened to mention to someone that i want to write,and he just said 'Then why don't you!'

So now i write

I am a Dentist,who loves reading,enjoys Kathak and writes...

P.s i wish i could paint!

P.p.s I am very Random :)

Mind your language Mister

I am Fat.

And i am not ashamed of it,not any more. My friends might call me 'Cute Fat' 'Puppy Fat' or 'Pretty Plump' but its ok i know that's only to keep my heart! I have no idea though why and how could i have ever been ashamed of it in the first place !

Atlast i have decided that 2 things have to be done now:
1.Stop feeling as if i am second to anyone
2.Give some of the shitty people a piece of my mind

What's with the Indians and the flab anyway! I mean it's another thing being obese and hence at risk to health issues,there too i try and keep me fit as much as i can,but it's totally another thing to let people laugh at your expense ! C'mmon guys its outright repulsive.

I might be so much better than you in so many other things but i don't go about rubbing that in your face ! So why should you ?
And then again how does being a few kilos lighter makes you any better !!!

I consider myself pretty. I look good as and when i want to. I can dress up for the occasions too! And get handful of compliments too, in spite of having a tyre or two!

I am sick and tired of parents feeding this bullshit to their daughters right from the childhood that if they get plumpy they would turn into laughing stock for people and that it would be difficult to find a suitable match for her later. What loads of CRAP! How does my finding my soulmate relate to my Body-fat! If and when i come across such apprehensive parents i just advice them not to ridicule their kid but instead encourage them to participate in certain activities like swimming,sports,dance or anything that would help the child become physically fit and would also contribute to personality development that helps boost up confidence and self-respect.
Speaking of families i am also sick of husbands who do not respect their wives and sneer at them and are too insensitive about her feelings.Damn those two-faced bastards,you expect your wives to take care of kids,keep your house clean and serve you hot meals then why can't you be a little appreciative of all the efforts she puts in for you! In return of all her love and care at least be a little kind to her! Is that too much to ask from your oh-so-fucked up-fat-ego!

And please please it is so revolting to see physical humor and mockery on tv and in movies! Our generation is well aware of all those 'tuntun jokes'! But just grow up and beyond these guys.My proud moment was seeing 'The Dirty Picture' and a proud,blunt,curvy and sensuous vidya balan with her devil-may-care attitude flaunting her ample figure on screen :) Bud did we take home anything more than that!We just whistled and got an eyeful of vidya on big screen!

Why does our being plump,bald or dark place us at the receiving end of these butt jokes!
I stopped using fairness creams 10 years back! I don't think being fair increases my chance of being a better person! Rather it's more important to be kind and respect others for their work and attitude.Being beautiful has got nothing to do with curvy figure,fair skin or stylish hair

Being fat does not make us cripple or handicap,it just means that we are facing certain health issues that you are lucky enough to not confront! Infact i find that sneering crowd emotionally challenged! Right from the uncle-auntys who give me strange looks while jogging in the park to anybody who thinks he can laugh at my expense and get away with it!

I am not uptight,i have fun with my friends over my 'weighty' issues :P With my family i manage a laugh everytime with some silly remarks on myself,but again it's just with them! Mister if you are not my family or my friend then behave yourselves and mind your words.

Because i am ready to fight back.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

We Walk By Faith,Not sight

A few days back there was a comment on my blog,roughly it said

"The answers that could put to rest all our inner turmoils lies in the realms of spirituality".

I had known that all along but wasn't somehow aware of it ! It was like something hidden in plain sight ! That was followed by a couple of days of self-analysis and introspection (Good for me,by the way) but what surprised me the most is that it comes from someone of my own age ! (Thanks vikas)

I am not the one who could go to church or temple or gurudwara daily,that's not my cup of tea,then again i cannot just murmur tiny bits of prayers after bath or before breakfast without paying attention to them and more so without actually feeling them. That is something that i just cannot do,i cannot say something if i don't mean it..! That's hard task for me. I did try a million times though to say the "Lord's prayer" daily and in that pursuit i even wrote it down and taped it to my desk drawer. But i confess i haven't been good at fulfilling that commitment...yet. I did put up a wallpaper of the prayer on my cell phone that usually reminds me now of His showers of blessings and the Lord's faithfulness.

It is not my intention to project 'Holier than thou' attitude but i think each of us should at least make an effort to find some time for Him as a Father and a Friend,and not just when we are in distress. In the times when i have managed to do that i did find my days brighter and my burden lighter.

Oh those 20 something "Writers" !!

Off late wherever i go on internet or social network i find a swarming crowd of young fellows in their twenties promoting their own books ! If u spend as much time surfing the net as me in search of some good reads you certainly know what i mean !

At first i was so impressed by these bunch of youngsters who were there, producing their own books,at the age when i used to be attending my boring college lectures and was sucked up in petty hostel politics.
So.. eager to find out what in the world were these young chaps writing about,i ended up ordering 3 books from some random authors through flipkart !
I was happy and curious when the package arrived(in just two days!That's a commendable job,by the way) much like when we used to get our new set of books in school days. opened the packet and voila 3 new shiny books ! But the happiness was short-lived..very short indeed.Not only was the writing amateurish,with sprinkling of some fancy words,picked up directly from a thesaurus but also the subject matter of all these books seemed to be exactly the same ! A school or college romance with showers of puppy-love and myriads routine problems that were made up to sound like apocalyptic in nature. C'mmon guys we all had the same romances ! and the tough times too but i never thought that it could be written down as a 'complete' book !

I feel cheated and robbed,shelling out that amount of money for these books ! Also i am stuck up with some useless blogs now that i had 'followed' back then and have no idea how to 'stop-following' them now ! Any case i would be waiting for a good read from any of these young fellows soon. But yes not everyone can be an Anne Frank.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

A Colony of Ants

Sleep is a precious little thing nowadays. More than anything somedays i desire a night of peaceful bliss called sleep.
Offlate i am finding it increasingly difficult to live all by myself.Almost as if i know how dangerous it would be if ever i am left alone with this monster called "Me". The thought of meeting myself alone somewhere in a dark deserted alley sends chill down my spine,and in order to avoid that confrontation i do everything humanly possible to keep my mind occupied.
So i spend my days in a daze,mechanically going about,from one activity to another,waking up..working..driving..eating...breathing...everything that goes unaccounted for
Every single moment that i presume i could be free,i fill it up with reading or writing,piles and piles of it..mounds one over another..to hide off what i am trying so hard to hide from the world and from me ! Not finding anything else at hand,i once ended up reading a complete page of "sunday times matrimonial" and also played match-maker aunt to atleast 4 couples who seemed to be perfect for each other(atleast on paper)
My parents nowadays invariably find me perched up on my sofa-chair reading a book online or penning my diary or writing my blog.
Night i drag my tired-self to bed and earnestly wish for a sweet night sleep.But not taking any risks,so there i lie down with my bed-side lamp on and a book in my hand.When i do feel a little sleepy finally, n..e..v..e..r i get up to switch off the lamp and risk waking me up ! instead i just tug at the wire and pull of the darn switch out from the socket.
During those jolty bursts of sleep i am fully aware of the ants..crawling,bustling,shuffling from point a to point b.Some purposefully but rest not so. I shake up my head to scatter those ants eager to find as to what they are crawling on.But no matter how hard i try they tenaciously stick to something underneath.That's when i realize those ants are the thoughts crawling all over my brain in crazy frenzy,scuttling around and i just pray to good Lord if they could rest for a little while so i might have just one night of that blissful peace called sleep.

Never Belittle Love

.......so is a chapter in "Life is what you make it" by Preeti shenoy.
I find it increasingly impossible to put to rest my anguish and longing of finding someone who would put all my questions and long waits to rest.
How many of us are actually trapped in relationships that gives us more misery than joy ! I know i was ! For what it was worth there were many good moments too,but then again a relationship doesn't survive on past,it survives on fresh breath from 'today'....from 'now' ! If its dead now,it doesn't matter how beautiful face it had yesterday !
We try all in our might to make it work. We are constantly in a Tug-of-war with destiny,and it always ends the way destiny wants it to !
But the die hard optimist that we women are, we never cease looking for 'the perfect one'.From person to person we find our refuge,we shelter our broken hearts,lick our own wounds and begin the quest yet again.
Once in a while we do come across someone who seems perfect,i did...and for the first time i didn't care how much he earns(yes it does matter every other time,i confess even at the risk of sounding bitchy) because i felt with him i won't need money to be happy.But then again karma is a bitch and he calls up and says he simply doesn't have time for a relationship ! What do u do ! You keep a smile plastered at your face and say 'its ok' and u even appreciate his honesty,you might even manage a chuckle to emphasize your Devil-may-care attitude but in all honesty whats happening is that your heart is shattering into a million little pieces,and u wonder if ever you would muster up courage to believe those three little dastardly words again..

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Silly Me

One thing that i have no idea about is: How to fit into female talks.

I am not using the term 'girly' in here because i mean all kinds of talks that females of varying age indulge in. I don't see myself fitting in any one of those !
I have outgrown girls who are bothered about just boys or their display pics a long back,so i skip talking about them.Starting from my own age i have no interest in continuous ramblings about newer and brighter avenues of shopping in town,or hip coffee joints.
Worse kind of group of girls who are recently engaged or soon to be married,they don't have anything better to talk about than where to get best price for silk brocades or the best designs for saree blouses.These kinds bore me to death and i find them highly repulsive or as my brother likes to call "toxic"
Next come the recently married kinds, who keep on continuously posting their pics from "honeymooning in Goa" with all the snapshots of short floral dresses n even skimpier shorts,and you don't need to look harder to get a snapshot of a little more than that too! And mind you,they don't even miss a single comment on any of their pictures and would religiously reply to each and every one of them,as if not doing that is crime punishable by law.
And last but not the least our very own mummy-talks,where there is a set of complaint for every genre ranging from milkman to gardener to maids and even one set for daddy dears.
Yes it's true i find myself not gelling well in any of these places. And have no clue as to where to go.

What is Wrong

My life is easy,simple,straight and boring.

Morning at gym
aunty no1: hey hai..u lukin so cute in this pink tee !

me: (stifling a yawn) o'thanks,it's an old one

aunty no2: hey did u lose some weight or not ?

me: umm...i guess i did

aunty no2: (least bothered in my reply) hey u know i just lost 700gm in 3 days :( God i am so upset !

me:(luking at aunty no2 because it seems hard to find out where from she had managed to lose those 700gm ! she looks as in shape as JLo to me !)

aunty no1: (seething with jealousy) really chetna ! Now did you !

me: grabbing this golden opportunity and making a run for my treadmill with my headphones secure.

Later in the morning at hospital

same old routine repeating itself day in and day out

A tooth decay comes into my cabin
A tooth decay is filled in and sent out
pyorrhea comes into my cabin
pyorrhea gets cleaned and go out

Texts from friends

Hey mandy how are you,where are you buddy ? long time no see ! u know i went to bombay last week,had a blast yarr,check out my pics on facebook na,see my blue floral dress too
(hmm....i delete the texts,dont bother replyin,dont bother with cute comments on fb too)

Login on FB

some of the status's make me vomit

" having a blasting time with mishu,rishu,janvi and darling hubby in Kashmir :):) "

" Going to cook dinner for my mommy"

"at movies with friends"

"had an awesome time with friends in XYZ mall..guyzzzz i miss u so much muuuaaaahhhh loveee youuuu hugssss to all <3<3"

pffeeeww i am sick and tired of all this ! Where have all the interesting people vanished from the face of planet Earth ! A few days back a beautiful painting that i had posted on my wall was sneered at,when i write about books,my friends ask me if i am planning to quit dentistry and become "arundhati roy" . Have no will or strength to argue with them. I just smile and think :

What is wrong in wanting different and new from life every day !

Just make me smile...and Love you even more..

This bit of post is for You...i know there isn't any chance of you reading it,at least not yet ! But i can't even begin to say how thankful i am,that you are a part of my life. My little piece of sunshine,my own handful of free sky.
Thanks for being my buddy,you have supported me,when no one else would.You have loved me,when no one else could.

Kiss my A**

I am a non-impervious being,my state of mind reflects in me..completely and totally.And i hate that.
I tend to people's teeth,even if you consider it of minimal importance,but i do work 'on' them,how am i supposed to do my job with a broken heart ! Certain days i don't even like to talk to anybody and even slightest contact with human race seems irksome,i have no idea what the hell i am grieving for ! Something that i never possessed !
I hate myself for falling prey to someone's sweet talk. They think very clever and witty of themselves,talking to girls and making us believe that they mean it all ! To hell with them all ! No mister it's not a matter of winning ! We are not trophies to be won and displayed for the world to see. We like you, are hominids too ! With our only fault being, that we believed it when you said "Trust me,i wont break your heart". So where are you now ? what ? So much for not breaking my heart ! I cant even find all the pieces for now ! People please if you may just move your feet,so that i could find pieces of my dear broken heart,careful don't trample on one of it,lest i lose it forever..

A 69 Day Affair

How do you know someone for a certain period of time and then 'unknow' them after that !
Tediously bit by bit you build up your journey,little minutes,tiny seconds,bits of texts and few phone conversations,these are the things that help you build a person in your mind,a person whom you begin to like,even love on certain levels. And then one fine day,just like that,it's over.

On that side of the 'fated' day he was a person,his family,his work,his moods everything mattered to you and on this side of the day he becomes a thing of past.You remember him like u remember watching a b/w film in childhood..old,bygone,one that would remain in your memory forever etched but also cherished (i hope!)
But no complaints there,after all, life teaches you something in every little twist and tale.And i am just beginning to sit and listen to what life has been saying to me all along.
I had always dreamt of meeting someone like you,and i am happy that i did meet you,but for a short few steps.
All that remains is:
Hiding from the rain and snow
trying to forget but i wont let go
luking at a crowded street
listening to my own heart beat
So many people
all around the world
Tell me where do i find
someone like you girl
Take me to your heart,take me to your soul
give me your hand,before im old
show me what love is,havent got a clue
show me that wonders can be true
they say nothing lasts forever
we're only here today
Love is now or never
bring me far away.

Take me to your heart
take me to your soul
Give me your hand and hold me
Show me what love is,be my guiding star

Take me to your heart..

Monday, January 9, 2012

This part of my life is called...."Nobody gets me right"

I am sure all of us have felt this way one time or the other,its an edgy phase right ?? your friends don't get u,you find it difficult to communicate with your own family,and in nut shell no one bothers about you,and just don't even get me started about supposed bf/gf,they are the first ones to escape !
and who else to remain faithful and true to you in such times of need than your own 'self'...come to think about it who knows u better than yourselves ! you know all about you,even the dirty dark secrets and still u love yourselves,you still think how you deserve better ! And here i am,when i feel no one gets me,i know one person who would know what i am talking about...and that's me ! My words have the power to keep me company..i have to tap the potential. How and to what extent i do that,depends completely on me.

This part of my life is called....."screwing up me big time"

Mohit, one of my friends had this status last night on his FB wall:

"on a positive note,you are closer to your soul-mate,each time things dont work out with someone else :)"

Is it just me or does anyone else too agree that i do not find anything "positive" in that !!! and just do not even get me started at that little smiley at the end of this sentence,as if sneering at me from behind its all fake and linear cape. well i was in no mood of arguing with him at midnight,so just left it to be,the only thing i mentioned was 'What if,there isn't any !!'
And that is all i wonder nowadays...'What if there isn't any!!!'
Damn you all Cinderalla's,Snow white's,Rapunzul's and scores of other fairy tales on whose regular diets we had grown up,spending all our sweet childhood believing that someday there definitely would be a 'Prince Charming' and he would love us unconditionally for what we are and that our life would be an escapade of a humongous romance.
Come college and we realize that "prince Charming" belongs to the species of "Santa" and "Tooth fairy" and well he certainly isn't coming...so we dream of meeting a nice guy,and i sorted out my list to have at least a decent,honest,smart,attractive guy who should definitely have a good sense of humour.
A few years and a degree later i realize that even those are hard to land,and i further shortened my list to a guy who s decently settled,earns just enough,actually can shoulder family responsibilities,and u can just hope wish and pray that he would be honest enough to at least be truthful to you.
Few years paas by and then its time again to shorten my list and which hardly remains something of a list now,because i just want "someone" with at least an "XY" chromosome !
And today i am particularly so much pissed off that i want to sue all of my grandmoms for telling me those stories of "happily-ever-after's" . What the heck i could sue off all the Cinderalla's and the Snow-white's in the world too !!!
Its should be a crime punishable by law to make innocent moisty eyed girls believe that all this junk could be true,that there could be in fact a "happily-ever-after" for them too !!

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Despicable me

Absolutely dislike myself in this state,i had always hated being so edgy or needy but i guess some days are just not meant to be !!
t'was a boring sunday today right from the word 'go'. Got up and had two large cups of tea with 'the times' of past three days on terrace to keep me company. Noon came and i skipped lunch to concentrate hard on a long forgotten book of Nora Roberts that i had started but had never kept pace with....failed attempt,next i had a nasty nap,followed by cups of tea with texting,surfing,trying hard to read and realizing that i have no idea of the movie i am watching except that it starred Keira knightley !!
finally i gave in,switched off the tv,slammed the book shut,switched off my phone and sat down with my blog. (after losing my first post and rewriting it again) i have realized that one of these days we have to get up and start taking care of ourselves. The sooner the lesson is learnt...the bettr it's for us :)

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Am i......!!

"There is only one sin...only one,and that is theft.Every other sin is a variation of that" : The Kite Runner

While my logic confirms it to be true,i wonder if that makes me a sinner too,and in fact makes me a sinner many many times. I cannot say for sure if i have never stolen someone else's right to truth by lying,or someone else's right to fairness by a little cheat,or someone else's right to be happy by not telling them the truth. Wish someday i would at least be able to do a single act of kindness that would make me proud in my own eyes.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

The Desperate Me

One of the many ways dictionary defines 'desperate' as an adjective is : showing extreme urgency or intensity especially because of great need or desire as in a do-or-die conflict !!!

Never before in my whole life had i felt this urge to 'create' something,this constant rambling of my heart and mind has been distracting to the point that i find it difficult to think even two-bit-straight. It feels odd as i don't find this to be a recent discovery but actually a long lost realization as if from a dream..a lifetime back,a deja vu that wants me to realize something,but everytime i come to the edge of the realization and then seem to stare into 'nothingness' . I know i have got to create something and its not just as if i have to cook...or write a good blog....or like some of my friends would naughtily suggest...'babies' !!! No its the purpose of my life itself that eludes me this time. But i am going to find it....and wont rest until then

Monday, January 2, 2012

Variable Constants

Change - nobody likes it,actually we hate it...and hate it to such an extent that we scowl and scamper and resist with all our might and fight against it and it really doesn't matter how many times we might have heard that "change is the only constant thing in the world"
i hate d scenario when people change,their attitude towards us change,our importance in their lives change,or their priorities change it doesn't matter but my little devilish ego gets hurt when i sigh and finally find out that i might not be d same important person for them that i once was !!!
but why do i concentrate so much on them that i forget the real important person in the deal...that's me !! what if this change is actually bringing something good onto my way !!! what if it is actually giving me an opportunity to grow on myself....when i think of this the only image that comes into my mind is that of the caterpillar 'Absolem' in 'Alice in Wonderland',its not a pretty site when he's dying but he is wise enough to understand that its a phase. So let me rest in peace that whatever it might be that's changing in my world, it sure will bring some good things my way

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Dirty Expectations

Girl 1: hey who is your best-friend ?
Girl 2: (with an air of supreme confidence) : MY BOOKS are my best friends

Girl 1: (laughing with her friends) : really you mean to say you dont have any real friends !!!!!

that bit of conversation happened almost 19 years back and it did leave Girl2 with loads and loads of questions and doubts as to what and why did happen !!! as she had given a perfectly well-crafted answer which was actually a statement written to her by her grandpa in one of his many letters
As high school rolled by girl2 realized that she had been naive in replying to the question,that she had given a 'Miss-India' pageant answer which was actually a 'borrowed' belief
Girl2 subsequently turned out to be a little popular in school as well as in college and had more than a fair share of attention of not only her fellow-mates but also of her teachers. Yeah she did start thinking it was too childish of her to give that answer pffurrr what was she even thinking !!! But here she is almost 19 years later pondering over whether she actually got the answer right the first time around !!

Even at the risk of sounding needy i would say that i find a life without my friends unfathomable. But there have been times lately when i had wanted to talk to someone,and had found no-one around me to share my cup with. And then what i had done is to actually turn over the beautiful pages of a book,and allowed it to keep me company for the time

With the realization that my answer was not wrong but it was just the dish that i hadnt cooked !!! I in my time of need now turn to the pages of 'The Kite Runner' and find my respite therein

Finding a New You

In Aristotelian Logic, there is a Law of Excluded Middle which says, "A Thing can either BE or NOT BE at a given point in time. There is no intermediate possibility". Does this apply to Life too?

stripped down to our bare minimum i am realizing that all of us actually belong to one side or the other,there are no onlookers. we were always send to and meant to be the players not to be sittin and perching on the fence with our asses rested up against it
for a long time of my life,which is 30 years of it FYI,i always thought the buddhist concept of the 'Middle path' is the most practical and peacefull way to live our lives, its only now i realize that actually it isnt any of those,infact the reason why it's favoured so much by people is because it's convenient !
you teach yourself that if taking sides taks some pain and effort then u always have "D Middle Path"
'eff'ing nonsense there isnt any !
either i can be a sickly coward who is too scared to identify my own needs and ending up leading my own life as per somone else's rules or i could be a rebel and end up livivg my life of my own making !
we all hav to make a choice and i pretty much hav made mine
HNY to me,you and one and all


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