"Go into yourself. Find out the reason that commands you to write; see whether it has spread its root into the very depths of your heart; confess to yourself whether you would have to die if you were forbidden to write." Rainier Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

Saturday, December 8, 2012

*facepalm moment


There isnt anybody who doesnt know her: the iconic Nicole Kidman ! And this incidently is one of her most iconic looks on the red carpet. Now anybody who doesnt ogle at this picture of hers...i believe has no hair-issues.
Now to remind those of you who havent already heard of my plight of being thrown onto a different planet,i have managed to land myself on this pecularly bent over continent called Australia,where much to my horror,every single girl looks likes this(or almost). Case rested.




Now to enumerate the situation: i look something like this- (hair-wise)

My hair would simply refuse to accept order of any kind and would remain disarrayed and engage in very frequent riots among themselves.
Also i do not belong to the club of the ones "favoured by god's themselves" like our very own Soha ali khan who can manage to sail away any crappy day on the sole plank of her very gifted hair.

Being a punjabi,i have long hair and not being able to cut/trim them i am required to wear them straight. I dont deny that chic-straight hair are the all-time classy look of the lot. But to be able to achieve it and furthermore to maintain it,is a herculean task my folks. So thus i embark upon a journey where i gear myself up with the armamentarium in my quest to achieve sheer-straight-blondie look. 

I use various methods from iron-pressing my hair while keeping them under folds of newspaper to applying hair gels to very modern means of variety of hair straighteners to the recent rebonding. I also explicitly remember this one time when i tried using aloe-vera gel on my hair and drying it to achieve the kidman-look aforementioned. Many a times i would wash my hair and wont lie or sit with my hair against any surface to achieve the desired result. My hair would be the Untouchables,up until the very moment when the curtains dropped following an applause..not a second before that !

But whatever i do,i never managed to achieve the quality and style of our very own 'chinkis' here. I would like to mention that our chinese (or mongolian origin) friends here are the pioneers in hair caring and styling in this part of the world,where even their kids look like they have spent half of their day in hair saloon. So thats where i started concentrating my energies on,to find a suitable candidate of mongolian origin with hair as pristine as the Goddess Venus herself. There,on her doorstep would i find the fix to my maladies. And the Goddess Venus,i did find.

She chose to materialize in a departmental store. Dressed in the loveliest shade of ivory,with long burgundy tresses falling over her shoulders i could see her gliding towards me. I had a million questions to ask her,a million answers that i seek. No sooner i had begin explaining my plight,much like a long lost traveller asking for directions,that i realized she couldnt understand anything that i was saying. Damn you language barrier. After an year or so it seemed when i finally managed to explain to her, half in actions and half in single words spoken aloud,she smiled and said: 'ohh,u neeed sit'rate air..no probl'en use son'seelk'. She might have been speaking alien-language for all i cared but seeing my lost gaze still fixed upon her,she made me follow her to the counter and to my wonderment showed me : 

our very own sunsilk ! Aaargh was it that easy !




*post written as entry to Sunsilk contest for Indiblogger.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Merry in Melbourne

A new blog post after a long sabbatical.

Inspite of my promises and vows to self of always always being able to find time for blogging no matter what, hustle of a new city did squeeze out time,energy and effort to turn to my dear digital dairy.
Confessions made. Remedy starts.

And just when i was in dire need of something to motivate me to write,i catch up this Indivine contest. Shifting base to a new country is a bit of a culture shock,and i found all my expensive indian wardrobe to be utterly useless here. So when i was frantically hoping to find something nice and light i tumble on to ShoppersStop (http://www.shoppersstop.com).

I was besides myself in delight to find a wide range of festive wear ! Not just ethnic but also a collection of dresses,just as easily for me to grab ! Keeping in mind the new country and life here i go for this elegant piece of single dress by Lifestyle in blue.

Dress from Lifestyle

What attracts me is not just the exquisite cowl neck-line but also the tie-belt that accentuates the waist and furthermore i instantly fell in love with the pockets that dab just a pinch of 'casual' to a rather suave ensemble.

earrings by 'Infinity'
Cherry on the cake was a set of divine ear-rings by Infinity in sapphire blue. My dream comes true !
Furthermore to splurge on christmas i go on and buy a matching pair of 'infinity-bracelet' that were (hold-your-breath) 20% off ! My christmas came on early Santa ! hallelujiaah !!!



Peep toes from Haute curry


To complete the look i teem it up with Haute curry Peep toe in chic brown and a bejewelled Elliza Donatein clutch and voila i am all set for sunny christmas in Australia. And i didnt lose the jingle in my pocket too :)


Elliza Donatein Clutch



ShoppersStop.com - Wills Lifestyle Womens Cowl Neck Dress: Wills Lifestyle Womens Cowl Neck Dress
ShoppersStop.com - Infinity Earring - 92423RM: Infinity Earring - 92423RM
ShoppersStop.com - Infinity Bangle -044547RM: Infinity Bangle -044547RM
ShoppersStop.com - HAUTE CURRY - Womens Evening Peep Toe:HAUTE CURRY - Womens Evening Peep Toe
ShoppersStop.com - Elliza Donatein Clutch - IREXCL: Elliza Donatein Clutch - IREXCL

This post is written as an entry to 'Shoppers stop perfect look contest' by Indiblogger (http://www.indiblogger.in)

Sunday, October 28, 2012


Those who respect the Lord,will live
and be satisfied,not bothered by the troubles.
 Proverbs 19:23


Thursday, October 25, 2012



I might be a little too late in reading 'A Thousand splendid suns' but thank God i am never too late. What a wonderment,this book is ! I did like Khaled Hosseini's previous one,the Kite Runner and did see the glimpses of it in this novel too(like background of afghan war,orphanage,the illegitimate child and the returning of people that had escaped their war-stricken land) but i must say that all of it has been surpassed in this one.

I was moved to the bones. One reason might be because it's a tale of two women,and i could connect well with it(as many of the lot would be able to) and left me amazed at the thought that somewhere around the globe,on this very earth,women my age or even younger are made to endure all this. All through the book i had this uneasy feeling,queasy sensation smeared with guilt that i am doing nothing for them except the single act of reading about them and sympathising with them. Felt cowardly and non-deserving. 

Every now and then i had to close the book and keep it aside,catch some air,ponder over what i had read,and start again. Reading made me feel as im prying on the lives of mariam and laila,the two protagonists of the story. But i am grateful to the author for having interlacing the two tales so intricately and marvelously. Wish to read many more like these..

Sunday, October 7, 2012

I too have a story to tell

This post has been published by me as a part of the Blog-a-Ton 32; the thirty-second edition of the online marathon of Bloggers; where we decide and we write. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton. The theme for the month is 'An Untold Story'


When i travel i fall back into this abyss that takes me to this weird place between dream and reality,a place i find myself dangling in, endlessly. Wondering what would be a greater relief,to hold onto or to give up. But then i write. Whether i write to fill up my heart and the vacuum within or whether i write to empty my heart of the clutter inside,that i know not of. I know that I just write.

I write what i see. And many times of what we never see. I write of tales never been heard that i see all around me,and no sir i do not see the faces then. I see 'An Untold Story'.

Masterpieces. They had all always been tragic. Much like Othello,Macbeth,Wuthering Heights or our very own Devdas. Such a tale was written on one nondescript face. Dressed in the fadest colour of blue,sitting by the train tracks. Eyes very much innocent. Skin very much pale. Frown very much justified. Condition very much pregnant.

She had her untold story written all over her face. Probably married when she was too young to think of herself. Probably to a man who at that very moment is drunk and in one of the numerous gutters of the city. Probably too tired to even pacify the child who is hungry,crying and tugging at her pallu. Probably feeling guilty of bringing an another one into this world.

Can i even imagine what her untold story is ! I dare not. Neither i dare to touch numerous ones that has died down without even their voices been heard. The pathos,the dilemma,the guilt is as virgin and untouched as her story. I find myself reading every single line in her deep frowns. Listening intently to every word in her drops of sweat. And then she stands up,and something scares me. That look on her face,it was resolute. But for the first time in my life i couldnt make out whether it was desperation or whether it was courage. One emerging from other,i guess.

She walks towards the rail-tracks. I panic. I could hear the train sounding its whistle,and it was growing louder each second. She takes hold of her child's hand and he allows himself to be dragged..crying and hungry. Meanwhile i was suffering from an attack of paralysis on my car seat as i saw her walking towards the tracks,refusing to even think of what was going in her mind. Every single molecule of my body was shouting "No,dont do it" except for my tongue that had tied itself into a gordian's knot.

Second crawled by painstakingly and i had seen the women walking away form me...towards her end...for ages. Or so it seemed. My hands tightened their grip on the steering wheel and my knuckles paled like raw peaches. Everything in me prepared me for the scene that i was about to register and i braced myself for the mutilation being inflicted on my coward soul. I held my breath when she took her first step on the train-track. My eyes widened,and my throat parched and stuck to my innards for additional support. One step followed another and then one little bit more,and before i knew she had crossed the tracks. I could see her receding figure through the gaps in the coaches of the train passing. Shaken for a moment and beyond,i saw she was going, leaving behind not just a thundering train but an equally strong train of thoughts in my mind.

A second later the railway crossing bridge opens and i drove past with an untold story in me.

photo courtesy  Google


The fellow Blog-a-Tonics who took part in this Blog-a-Ton and links to their respective posts can be checked here. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton. Introduced By: BLOGGER NAME, Participation Count: XX
Dr Mandeep Khanuja - I too have a story to tell
We grow with time,our opinions diverge,split and go haywire. Our perspective change widely,as if some kind  of blinders are suddenly removed from our eyes. And hence occasionally we start paying attention to some issues that we might have so easily missed before. Finding myself getting bored at midnight yesterday i started to see 'A Beautiful Mind' again. When i saw it before i always saw the wonderful portrayal of Dr John Nash by Russell Crowe. This time i was hit big time in the stomach by the semantics of husband-wife relationship. I accept i wouldnt have noticed every single thing so finely,if i hadnt been married myself. But now that i have,i am glad i did.

The point in the story where 'Alicia' just rescues her baby boy from getting killed,owing to her husbands schizophrenia attacks but still does not desert him,and infact gives her husband one more chance,when he pleads so was the highlight of the movie for me personally. To give without receiving anything in return and moreover to grant when you know no returns would be even possible is a tremendous task. It did teach me a lot. And contrary to my habit i will keep this one movie with me always,and i do plan to revisit it if and when i find myself in a pickle :)


Saturday, October 6, 2012

And there i thought my year.....sss of reading novels brain would totally kick IELTS exam's a$$. But for now,its happening the other way round. What is it !!! Why cant i get it right !!! so many people give it every year,i mean how hard it could be !! Quite a bit....apparently:(. The more i practice the more my confidence ebbs. Isnt it suppose to happen the other way around !

I am suppose to get 7 band each in all the four modules or else i might have to repeat the complete test again. Bored of getting stuck at a band short now and then, i took a break yesterday,read some blogs,freshened myself up. All that in vain. Havent wrapped my brains around it any better than the lost day. I just wish,hope and pray that my grey matter acquires some supernatural powers next saturday to fly me through the test. And then i wonder when did i turn this dumb ! I had always been this girl who had enjoying studying ! I would be sad if any test/exams were postponed (ya very la Miss Granger) but yup that was who i was. Not anymore. Wish my redundant brain does make peace with me and an year of studies in my future kitty.

Any way to regain my lost edge ?

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Things never work the way they ought to,esp when you are in a hurry !
Hope i hadnt let my brother down.
Wish only the best for him.

God rest my lazy nervous soul.
With IELTS around the corner i hardly can think of anything else other than blogging ! I dont feel like studying when i should be. Infact i dont feel like doing anything when its the right time for me to ! Lots of unseen movies had been stocking up in my laptop,pleading for their time to come. Sadly havent been reading much,very unlike how i planned this year to be. 'To kill a mocking bird' is awaiting on some 60 odd page for me. Not good. But these days are days of bonding,of thinking about the life i am gonna build....of the life i might be building this very moment. Kinda feels like that all the pieces are just about to fall together ! Kinda like the feeling when two or more boxes are filled in 'sudoku' and you know it in your heart that success is just around the corner. No doubt there is still a lot of stuff to be done,but you just know that the hard part is over :) 'Two Broke Girls' makes me miss my friend. She is gonna have a baby soon. Havent talked to her in over a month. Hope singapore is being good to her. Praying for her and the little new arrival.

Hmm so time for me to be back to my sample papers study and hope i can sail through with 7 band each in all four modules. God bless me and the one waiting for me :)

Friday, September 21, 2012

What makes a person so irresistible to you that you would be drawn to him/her constantly. Like a distant chime of a bell-tower you know you need to go there. You need to drink from that pool ! You need to wash yourselves of all the mindless useless things you had been doing for a couple of days/weeks/any period of time ! Call it love ! n'aaah that's too strong a word. Or too light,may be...who knows ! We dont love a person,we love certain traits. I say traits because they might or might not be qualities,per se. I happen to love integrity. Integrity. Sounds a very heavy-duty stuff. Right ? I didnt know or understand the real meaning of the word up until a few days back,let alone have known that i could love someone for that. Nothing draws me more to a man than his integrity. There it is. Having said it,i also admit that i havent met many men of integrity. Till late i used to believe that it was honesty. I guess it isnt. Integrity is honesty combined with the virtue of being whole,undivided,pure. It isnt easy to be around such people. And so i guess there arent many such people left around. As parents,teachers,siblings and peers we society have always strived to crush it like a dangerous monster.One to be feared,not nurtured.We have done a pretty darn good job at strangulating them,suffocating them and finally eliminating them.

Pity. Have you ever felt it? That cripple on the railway platform that hasent washed himself in ages. That lady dressed in tatters with a cachexic child sellling (or trying to sell) something that nobody virtually needs. That boy cleaning the floor of the railway coach with a piece of cloth that doubles as his shirt. Do you feel pity for them? I dont. And i feel anger for anyone who looks at them with this sight that smears pity on their faces. Why? Why and how dare we feel pity for an another human being !! Give what you have. But not because you feel pity for them,but because act of giving itself is a great pleasure. Give not for them,but for your own sake. 

No idea why i had to write all this up. I dont even care if anyone finds time to read it,understands it or even tries to understand it. Just like the act of giving,i had to write this not for anyone,but for me.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Passion. Meaning. Belonging. Pain...a gut wrenching one !...a pain borne out of love.

Ever experienced any of it ? It takes lots of misery to be able to understand these words. To grasp their knowledge,in individuality as well as in entirety. A love so strong and deep that not only it pulls you to it,but also it repels everything and everone away from it.

Passion,that makes you want to cut out your innards if that's what it would take to satisfy it. I am surprised if anyone feels that way sometimes. And i wonder how do they live with themselves if they dont !

To live with the world: easy. Hard task master is the one who knows to live with himself.

Thursday, September 6, 2012


Nice,right !

I loved the way it is so easily contemplated ! Not that i havent read something like this before,but its just that the way it ends... is so amusing ! All our life depends on our 'perception' !

Why do we think that our problems,our situations will not change for good? How can our problems be permanent when even our life isn't ! It matters a lot where do we seek solace when our minds are troubled. I dont find it any wise to depend on people,sooner or later everyone gets busy with their lives and the feeling of being left behind is certainly not elating. Developing a hobby that can take our minds off the situation is best. I tried painting,i cant paint anymore now. But that's ok,it helped me while it lasted. Reading is less of a hobby but is rather like a necessity with me,and i fully intend to keep it that way.

The people we relate to,talk to,play an equally important role. Since i have found myself around people who have a positive and lively approach towards life (eg my hubby) it has also had some calming effect on me. This hen does not gets it feathers ruffled for anything in haste now :)

Life's to be savoured,not devoured. Rushing into things is one matter,but resolutely performing things is totally another game. I am changing myself from former to latter. On the reading front i am reading a rather boring and 'badly constructed' Robert Cook,but once i start off with a thriller,there's no stopping me. I have to know the end.. absolutely....yeah that's right ! uff i despise the day i started it. Waiting to switch onto some inspirational read !

I hope we all could see and realize with what a pleasure had our lives started and it is upon us to keep that pleasure alive. To feel the spark in every moment is our obligation.
Peace and joy for everyone around. Good night.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

I have so much to say and so little to write ! Its baffling :)

Normally one good/bad/sad/unexpected/miraculous thing would happen to me and i would jump on to my blog at the first opportunity and rest my feelings here. But offlate i had been to so many places have such vivid experiences that it sort of has created a traffic-jam of thought train inside my mind.

But so ardent is my will to pen down atleast something today that i had switched off the Harry potter and the Deathly Hallows PartI at HBO which FYI had never ever happened and is unlikely to happen anytime soon. I love JKR. Period. I dont care if people call her a children's writer or whatever. I just love her,lovvvvve her and lovveeeeee her. :) I guess the child in me would never stop loving her ! Read Blogadda's premium bloggers today and i am getting utterly and progressively disappointed with Blogadda. One of the premium bloggers (wont name her here plz) was all gaga about Preeti Shenoy !!! What a let-down. I barely managed to scrap through a single book of hers and vowed never to read another. But as i mentioned previously in my blog here i find the cattle-breed of authors today very ordinary and un-inspiring.

Well everybody has a right to express their opinions and i respect it, but commenting like a pro on the subject that one knows nothing of,is not very attractive to me. Anyways i think i am very biased with 'Book-blogs'. I love the good ones and get extremely angry (with red ears) at the miserable ones. My favourite blogs are the ones that had probably never been listed or been premium blogs at blogadda. My blog-mother is a married malayali woman staying in London. She probably doesnt know it but i read her blogs for some inspiration now and then. I dont comment much or distribute free ka gyaan at her blog-post out of sheer respect. Sounds weird,but i know she as such has a difficult life and i dont want to complicate things for her. Nevertheless i always stay at a distance,read her,say some silent prayer once in a while and hope that she finds happiness soon.

Yup the most difficult thing in life is to be a spectacle and to stand in front and be judged by people. By some sheer tryst with luck or rather by some fierce miracle :) my life has taken a U-turn. I have never been this happier and relaxed. I am traveling,eating, reading,thinking happy thoughts and thanking God for never once diminishing the ray of hope in my heart. Not even for a second i had let myself believe that things would not change for me. Hope in our heart is a very powerful weapon. Like a magnet it attracts and bring to us all things good and kind.

I am reading at break neck speed hahaaa At present i am reading three books concurrently. Some long back started Nora Roberts, a gripping Ken Follet and a more sombre Fountainhead ! That is one very important reason why i dont write book reviews ! Because at any single time i am residing in the world of so may books,its hard for me to sit and dwell and write about a single one :)

And then again my train journey this time was marvellous. Along with the lovely weather,the mountains rushing by and the ever- lukewarm "hot" tea of pantry of Indian Railways i had company of a music band ! On their way from Amritsar to Mumbai was Money-music group to perform in India's Got Talent and man did they have talent !!! Not only did i thank my stars for not cancelling my reservations for that day and felt lucky but their singing did bring a few tears to me. :)

And yeah the ever sucky power cuts in rajasthan had just killed off my mood to write and its me saying ciao and be happy....read happy :)


Sunday, August 19, 2012

Did a strange thing today..while walking from room to kitchen,passing through lobby i stopped to see me in the mirror..ok i looked fine in this pink salwar-kameez(nomatter what anyone says how i look) and along with a pink bindi(i actually looked pretty#selfindulgentme) so i ended up giving me a dazzzling smile. Much like they show in that 'Amway advertisement'.

Its nothing new,but it felt so good believe me that i was surprised that why hadnt i done that before. Not that i was particularly happy or anything,on the contrary i was a little perplexed. Not even downright gloomy,but just not glad. But when we keep the one person who we are supposed to keep happy (ourselves) the results are startling !


Suddenly what someone/anyone thinks of you doesnt matter anymore. Whether you are alone or have a partner to share your life doesnt matter anymore. More often than not when i had found myself left alone and desolate i had imagined myself doing so many things that i had always wanted to do. Il share it here today..i always wish to resume back my Kathak classes; the other thing that i am dying to do is to lay my hands on a violin. Always imagined...always dreamt of doing that ! Once in a while when i hear Daisy in December my madness gets a dose of renewal :D

So just one me and so many things that i wish to do ! But i would. One of these days il do all that...and read and jog the streets and take random snaps and do all of that. One of these days...very soon.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Your heart is where your treasure is

Dressed in beautiful red attire of a bride,hands of henna adorned with traditional bangles,looking as demure as the rain poring in from the sky, she stared into nothingness.

Married for but just 40 days now, she waited for her husband to call her. She hadnt seen him in a month and today he had failed to call for some reason that she didnt know of. Cry..that she cudnt do, so that was what the skies were doing for her. 'Keep heart..he would call for sure' was all she kept on telling herself but the truth being that she hadnt longed for anything much more than that in all her life. 

She would work all day. The music of her anklets resounding in the home,where she was left behind. Left behind to think..left behind to wait. Often her kohl lined eyes would see beyond the walls of this house to the place where 'he' was. 'He' who had married her and vowed to be with her for the rest of their life,but cudnt be found anywhere now. 

With eyes as red as the crimson on her forehead today she prayed for her wait to come to an end. Sleep when came,came with the dreams of a beautiful exotic place. Tall skyscrapers that make people gape at them with wonder . Seas so vast and exquisite that people would be mystified by their beauty. Lovely streets lined with cafes that make mornings fresh with scent of coffee heavy in the air. She would take a deep breath to take in the aroma of the city,she would drink in the beauty of this city with her eyes.

But most of all this would be a city where she would be happiest in the world. The city where 'he' is. For the heart is where your treasure is. And just when she was turning around to gaze into the most beautiful pair of eyes that she had ever seen...she heard someone shouting in distance..."Wake up sister..its your time to visit Melbourne NOW" 

And before she knew, off she was on the plane to be with the love of her life. To the most exotic city of Melbourne. The city which she would adore for all the years to come..


www.visitmelbourne.com/in  This post is written as an official entry to Indivine Blogger Contest titled under "Its your time to visit Melbourne now"

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

There i find my own-self
hidden in dilapidated dark
so retreated from world around
at the exact moment when i am dreaming but am also awake

Beautifully red,prettily pink
coloured bangles and painted nails
but then why the spirit shattered within ?

Curled and groaning with painful loneliness
no not a shelter,it needs freedom
no not a status,it needs love

With a boltning smile of painted lips
dressed in shattered dreams
with hope behind a veil of tears
every heart beats and bleeds for warmth

And you wait, keep waiting for that one thing
which would infinitely enrich your life:
the powerful, uniquely uncommon,
the awakening of dormant stones,
depths that would reveal you to yourself.


Many many many hours of my day i spend looking for something that inspires me. Something that stirs my soul,something that ignites it,flames it up. And then once in a while when i read something like Rilke i find myself in that little happy place in my heart,curled up into a ball and swaying and swinging happily into oblivion. For the past hour after my morning walk,i had read 'Letters to a Young Poet' and am filled with immense praise for this german poet ! Will read whatever i can find of him.

It is such a rarity to find something precious to read,something that i would lock up in the little treasure-box of my heart and cherish for years to come ! Most of the times,even while working in the kitchen or driving, my thoughts would wander to places and desperately search for something that quenches my soul. And when such happens, more often than not il turn to poets like Rumi,Mary lou or Saahir ludhianvi and take a big refreshing swig for my parched up self from their immensely beautiful writings.

Rilke made my day and am off to start this morning with a tiny bit of sunshine that lights me up from the inside and keeps me glowing for many many more moments to come.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Just when we think that life has become an ass cracking rigmarole and threads of deceit and treachery wind too tight for us to untangle life/God/fate call what u may,gives us a chance to set it straight and fair. I lost my handbag at delhi station while coming home this time. I lost just the appropriate amount of valuables to make me sit and think what made that happen. I have been travelling alone since 11 years and had never made a single mistake but why then this time. Had something crept up into me that made me do wrong and hence in this way life had wiped off my slate clean and gave me an opportunity to start afresh and untainted !

By no means i am justifying the actions of one who had done this. "Stealing" is the only kind of sin,this i read somewhere. So did i too steal from someone ! This i wondered. Anything taken that doesnt belong to us is stealing. Also denying someone of their justful right is stealing. Lying to someone is stealth. Because in that way we are stealing away the other person's right to know the truth. Treating people rudely is a kind of stealth,we then steal their right to be treated with respect.

All the journey from delhi to my home i had plenty of time to think about whether i too had stolen from someone and made someone feel like i felt then,cheated and violated ! I had a few important things in the bag but that somehow that didnt bother me much. I have forgotten those 'important' things now. All my phones,my purse with the hand written note "Lord is my shepherd...i shall never be in need"....all that seems to be a thing of the past now. I wish something good comes out from it for someone somewhere in need.

Marriage has made me more grounded. I am taking in the few very rare qualities of my MIL. One month with her has made me quiet,sober,very patient and much stronger in life sustaining faith. I am happy and very lucky to have someone like her in my life,its just the way she goes on about her day that makes me imbibe the goodness ever present around us. To never get upset with people and to be ever kind and pleasant is a great challenge in today's fast and furious life. But there couldnt be a greater accomplishment than that too i am sure. Staying with her also did give me a lot of insight into why's and how's of my hubby's nature :) a healthy perk i must say ! So if you really wanna get to know your hubby better, look closely into your mum-in-laws: my piece of advice :)

Life's treating me good, for the most part of it. No complaints no regrets now. That taught me, just because i started my race late doesnt mean i cant run it and finish it well. Happy and contended to be wherever i am today and thats a big treat for my little heart.


Sunday, July 29, 2012

Giving very little time for my writing but a new life consumes so much of the life with such a voracious gluttony that its hard to imagine that "all" of this is actually happenning with me !! But so far so good :)
Sorry for making any of you read thid crappy post but i had to remind myself to write,which is a little troublesome without my laptop and a phone just manages to scrap at the edge of comfortable blogging. But in any case still reading inbetween breakfast of parathas and lunch of idlis :) Savouring the taste of Rushdie's Midnight's Children which is both spicy and savoury :) yumm
So a very delightful ciao to my blog until my next login..

Thursday, July 26, 2012

....i dream

Rising waves and crashing tides
blue waters in the skies

drizzling..dribbling....or in huge bulks
life hauls forward no matter what

Eyes fixed on heaven and feet on ground
with waves around and their sound

not within sight nor within reach
just my tender poor heart besieged

to fly like a bird not to float like a feather
that is all the tiny dream i have..


Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Beginnings

I have been yearning for a lot of things lately. A lot of normal simple things. Yearning to have a peaceful sleep without being anxious or apprehensive. Yearning to sit on my porch and finish that half-read salman rushdie. Yearning to have a sumptuous meal or a mug of late night coffee without having to worry about fitting into the expensive dresses on my D-day. Damn i am scared shitless about that :)

New feelings. The first ones for me. Have been living my life in a pair of jeans,running between workouts,market shopping sprees and my clinic. Sadly i am not concentrating well in any of these places because my mind always seem to seep and pour out to many different compartments these days.

Its not just dressing up and looking pretty that day its the day of new beginnings,its the first day of the rest of my life. And its a life that is not of my choosing. Hence the anxious me. Strangely some people might not understand how i feel now,exactly seven days before my marriage. What i feel is not sad neither happy. Not extremely overjoyed nor troubled. I just feel.....and find myself praying that i be helped and eased into the new "roles" that i am being dressed up into.


I am happy. Happy for the new life that i have been granted and i pray for to stay blessed the same way.

Friday, June 15, 2012

What Darwin explained..i experienced.

The day i was to leave my home for college....i still remember it as explicitly as it was just yesterday ! I was scared shitless and had to fight with all my might to stop me from soiling my pants,i feel the same today.

The only few differences being that i was slightly dorky bespectacled idealistic girl then and today i am non-spectacled,non-dorky and about 7kg heavier version of the teenager-me. What keeps me going is the fact that if i could make it then i would be able to make through this too. Have been telling myself this over and over again for past few days only that i couldnt make my rectal sphincter understand it !

It is that i keep comparing myself mentally to someone plummeting down into a dark plunge. All dark,groundless,disorienting and mortal. It feels as if someone has just pulled off all the ground beneath my feet. Going all topsy-turvy with heart drumming against my chest and my bile in my mouth i wait for the end of it. How hard i would hit....no idea. 

I wish its a safe landing but the fact is i have always been a little awkward with changes in my life.I am much like a hen in that sense,when i sit comfortably somewhere i dont like anybody coming and ruffing up with me. Change though uncalled for and uncomfortable is the only way to make us into the wholesome beings that we evolve into. The only positive note to this change being is that this stands to be the only conscious decision in my life that i had taken with a single thought in my mind: 'God i trust you,take me where You want me to be,and i will follow Your footsteps all my life' 

I may not understand the situations now,the people now,the events happening around me now but i am sure my God does and He would somehow arrange all these things well to suit me the best. Whatever He brought me through,He brought me closer to Him. Undoubtedly where He is, there shall prevail no fear so the only sure thing that i can do in this day is to place my trust in Him and His everlasting faithfulness.


Sunday, June 10, 2012

Divine Providence

Have you ever experienced it ? 

None of us like anyone meddling in our life. Even i didnt. Untill i learnt that divine providence isnt meddling, it is the only way i could be taught some sense. And i learnt it the hard way. Today for the very first time in my life when i prayed today i had nothing to ask for !!! A beggar like me !!!! When i fall short of stuff to ask,it really does mean something,but today i had only thanks to give.


We know the kind of people who pray only in a rush of corticosteroids.....(kind of chemical released by our body when in stress) Many of us do belong to the category ourselves.Fear,fight and flight are the only three times we ever join our hands and become beggars now and then,and that too ungrateful ones. The truth is there is a bigger picture.

Years back i prayed for somethings to happen,and i prayed ardently. I prayed with all that i have. Denied i turned bitter and disappointed. At times believing myself to be utterly stupid to believe in Special Providence. It took a lot of time for me to hope again. To hope for something good to happen in my misery sodden life. All my previous posts bear the testimonies to the Hope that i had in Him and trust in His faithfulness.

And this post stand as a proof to it. The only reason i write of His providence is to remind me later some time in my life that He is perfectly able to clean any shit that i had knowingly/unknowingly caused in my life. And if any of you get some of that hope seeped into your senses then that too would be His grace.

When i look at the larger picture today i see why he denied me certain things and why i needed time for correction. And i am also grateful for the pains taken..the lessons emblazoned into me...and the virtue of obedience hence taught. He had discarded everything that i thought would be of utmost importance to me and handed me something far more precious and divine.

Things of this world does not matter. He did provide me all that too though but above all He taught me to trust Him,come what may and to bow down to His command without even an iota of doubt. He promised me a future filled with hope and He stands by His word till this day.

The light at the end of the tunnel that i always used to talk about in my posts...is in sight now :).....by His grace. God's guidance is like a torchlight in a dark tunnel,it might not show you everything but it does show you just enough to take the next step.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

The Promise


"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Storm in a pond

Just when you think all is ok...all is well and you can sit back and relax, someone throws a stone into your quiet little pond of life and create ripples in it. Disrupt the calm of your life and then we start the process of churning it all the more by thinking of all the past and before you know..it's a raging storm.

And that poor pond of my life is nothing but engulfed in this storm. In the scheme of a larger picture my life is just a handful of ticking seconds bestowed upon me and it is my only chance to make something out of my life. But these stones hurled towards me ! They take away from me all that i put in so much efforts and time to build.

I dont want to remember anything that i should have forgotten long ago. Neither do i need any help,two-bit advice or sympathy in doing that. I am perfectly equipped to take care of my messy life affairs. I am raged. Raged at people thinking that their meddling could make it better.

Sociopath,call me that if you want,but i really dont feel like talking to people who are there in my life for their privilege,talk when they want,call at their fancy and care when they feel like. Where does that leave me in the equation !!! Oh it is said rightly when you push people away carelessly you never know whether they are gonna miss you or learn to live without you.

My little pond got ruffled. Got ruffled bad. But writing calms me and brings me to my senses. Now i get it why people are so attached to their blogs,some of us find this is the only place where we get to talk. To really say what we feel. No niceties,no sugar-coats. I dont care who reads it. All i care about is how it makes me feel. Just saying something without knowing if somebody would lend an ear to me. *Pity* but atleast i know what to expect of it. Atleast i know now that there isnt anyone to hold me when i fall. I fall,i get bruised,cry a bit,dust myself up,try to get up again. Process is simple,durable and unfailing.

The more you depend on people the more you are disappointed and the maths is screwed up, there it goes exponentially. No more shoulders to cry on,just shed the fucking tears in the pile of rubbish where you have managed to land up and move on(note: whoever said that your tears are precious,was screwing up with you real bad) It is tough job but learn it sooner than later.

Be possessive about your little pond. Guard it with your life. Keep your own fish and frogs happy. The moment you share it with an outsider you are gonna lose all the serenity and wound up drowning in your own pond...breathless dead and alone.


Sunday, June 3, 2012

Far and about

Many a times those who happen to read my blog tell me that i write of pain,misery,loneliness blah blah blah and they sort of complain that i rarely write about the good stuff. So today when i am feeling sunshin'y i thought il try and pen up something.

Like everybody else my words flow potentially powerfully and with a writer's rage only when i am troubled. It's very much like churning of a storm or a twister that really does bring the clutter together. All the awesome bloggers that i see here are somehow or the other so messed up inside,in a way many times i have found myself poetically musing about turning into one of them :)

But only the wearer knows where the shoe pinches so what seems so good and perfect to us must be so difficult for someone. What is a fashion or a culture to us,is actually a means for someone to connect to something(even if it is a virtual world) and hence survive. Personally today i wish all of them peace.

So coming onto the title 'Far and about'. I have no idea why i chose to write it,but it was spontaneous. My life's same,problems are same,afflictions are same so what changes ! Attitude. The one stop answer for everything. Detaching myself from my problems,and standing and seeing them from afar they dont really seem that monumental,they dont seem deathly scary either. They look more like bumps,minor pitfalls,manageable. For now.

It's easy to deal with anything,if we just keep our eyes fixated on the light at the end of the tunnel. Not a perfect way to go about but that atleast conditions our minds to the fact that there is an end to whatever it is that is tormenting us.

Swimming,driving back home with nice romantic numbers on FM,coming home,hugging my mom,and having hot scrambled eggs for breakfast did make my morning. I dont care who wants to make me feel as what. I refuse to feel small/dwarfed/poorly destined by anyone else. My destiny lies in the hands of a great God and my eyes firmly adhered to the light at the end of this tunnel.


Saturday, June 2, 2012

Leaving off

Dreams. Coming in frequent and coming bad...mostly. I happen to dream a lot nowadays. Wonder why ! Might be because i am sleeping a lot (its solar hot here in rajasthan) but i mostly dream of my friends. Dream of seeing some,dream of missing some.

A weight sort of lifted off from me today. It is rightly said taking a decision in your head is the most difficult part. Implementing it is a piece of cake. There are two conflicting views that i wish to write here and also try to grasp it better if anyone of you care to help me out. We all have heard a phrase that when you are about to give up on something remember the reason why you held up to it for so long ! But i never truly get it. What if the semantics of the relationship has changed ! What if now it is not what it had been before.

There is absolutely no use of dragging any relationship that has run its course and is on the verge of death. Well sometimes we girls even have a habit of dragging them beyond the limit. What's the use ! Will; you ever be happy again. Probably Not. Then why should it be so difficult to leave off the things and grasp the new ones.

Untill we empty our hands of stuff we do not want how will we ever have space for stuff that we actually wish for ! It is easy and less painful to just grab and pull off the bandage. Undoubtedly. In my view thinking of my happiness first is not selfishness. I tried to be selfless and giving for years and years before,i didnt get anything in hand out of that. Every place (except my family) where i had toiled to be selfless and giving i had failed miserably.

Though it doesnt feel like some magnificent transformation but believe me it does feel lighter. No grudges,no complaints,no excuses,no returns. What's given is given. If you have lost something it's ok,may be you needed to be parted from it to become this what you are today.


War

Its a raging war,all of it. All of it that we are going through. Like the war issue on Nat Geo that i am watching now. Life is just the same,there is a war within,war for survival,war for love,war for care,and we lose a lot in this war. We lose money,our hard earned money,and we also lose peace. We lose our control on our lives.

There our bombardments within that is shredding into pieces our emotional attire. I feel lost both in direction and purpose. How the hell do we get so reckless and make the mistake of trusting. There is no place in this world for people who can and do trust on people,who make and keep their friendships against all odds,who put comfort of others before their own. There is no place for selfless idiots in this world.

You ought to be selfish. You ought to be able to be manipulative. You ought to be able to make people happy with fuzzy warm shells of empty words. Whats the need of actually doing something for someone when all you need to do is to make up nice words. I can make up words. I can learn to be shallow too and act to sympathize. That's all that is needed and that would be enough.

There isnt any place in my heart or in my life for others. I am selfish and its gonna be just me from now.


Thursday, May 31, 2012

Give me back my hug (*)


There is gotta be something magical about it....the hug !!

I dont seem to forget any of them. In my eyes it is a 'sanjeevani booti', the one stop cure for all the ailments. My mama used to hug me with his hand and a kiss on the top of my head,very much similar to how my brother hugs me now. I miss his presence constantly. My mum's hug says 'i have forgiven you' and it lifts me off from whatever miry clay i am stuck into.

I read somewhere an average person needs 7 hugs daily for his well-being,12 for growth and 4 for survival. I guess i survived badly for past all these years. But all that's gone. Second chances,we all wish for them often. I am happy to have one. When i am beaten down i remember all the wonderful hugs,by mum,mama,my bhai,my friends,and through everything dark and dungy, it gives me will to stand up on my two feet.

We never forget how someone made us feel. Remember what a snowman and a snow-woman in love did ! They hugged each other and melted in their embrace. :) If only we could give and take and share more hugs ! I close my eyes and live up the hug of the ones that aren't with me anymore. That's the only remembrance i have been left and it would live with me for as long as my heart goes on.

Miss you.

Life: an act of trapeze



Believe me or not but we do have this strange affliction of overlooking the good parts in our life. For us the grass had always been and would always be greener on the other side. Promises: that's what i had been oddly thinking about during my work out today and realised that God had been good to me and kept some of His promises very faithfully. Where i always used to feel as being the odd one out,today i can gel in and connect well with my family. Happy for that. :)

I am yet to start next phase of my life..marriage and all,but life's good at home with mum-dad too. Bridges have been built,no grudges,no complains and past seems unreal today,one that leaves behind a hint of having occurred a lifetime ago. God had been good to grant me this time in which i could laugh with my family,and honestly these will be the days that i would miss and cherish for all my life to come.

With the sudden realisation of promises fulfilled there arrives also the scent of trust that as long as His presence continues in my life things would get better. I might not get all that i want,but i would be provided with all that i need;that much i believe.

Life is a balancing act. I am not visibly depressed or broken down when i am sad. I still do feel sad,a void left behind by all the friends and people who had promised to stay with me through thick and thin of it...and did not. But i can contain all that and carry on without projecting any of it. Which i consider as a huge personal achievement. Likewise neither i am excessively overjoyed by turn of events in my favour.

I have learnt (and am still learning) that being calm and serene,holding your smile all the while trusting a higher force to align things for you is the best way to live a happy life. I read somewhere be like a duck,calm and composed on the outside but underneath the surface of water pedal like a devil.

A blessed night to every one and a soulful sleep.


Wednesday, May 30, 2012

The turmoil within every mind: What's happened to Aishwarya rai !


 I don't get what the debate is about ! How the hell has Aishwarya rai turned up so fat and fugly !!! Pretty darn nonsense. pffffew.

Yes she is carrying a baby weight !
But she is an actress she sells a fantasy ! She should look like one !
Oh i had baby 6weeks back and had lost major baby fat ! (heard on fb somewhere) (my take : yeeah that's all you are good for barbie doll :P )
And some place else : "Pehle every man wanted a wife like Aishwarya rai....Now Aishwarys rai looks like every man's wife.
How derogatory that is !!! We leave no stones unturned in making a mockery of ourselves.

Well for starters i never liked Aishwarya rai. Not because she was overly beautiful or i had some streak of jealous complex knowing that somehow there would always be someone more beautiful than me in the universe !!!  The reason i didnt like her was because she didnt have anything else to offer other than that !

This is what happens when we rely too much on our transient beauty. I dont want to have any pot-shot at her expense but i think it is a sure lesson to anybody and everybody out there who think that looking good is all that matters ! Well looking good is no biggie,believe me, i have lost quite a lot of weight before and has lost 9kgs recently in past 3months...so i understand better than anyone else the pain of being fugly and undesirable but more than that i know that i should be a lot more than just the beauty of my body and looks.

And then the other major point is the freedom of letting someone be the way they are/want to. Not being a fan of the light-eyed beauty here but i still realise that she has achieved more than most of us in our life. She has worked her ass off for some 15years and she has all right in the world to bear a little weight for her daighter and live the life as every houswife and/or mother does in this country...so leave her alone you morons.

Thanks to the types of Madhuri Dixit, Vidya Balan or Sonakshi Sinha we have some good looking plus-sizes finally arriving on big screens. See i am not saying that 'Chalo..lets all of us binge-eat and become fatso now' but there is a need to realize that nearly half of our population is struggling with obesity in current age. Some are putting up their best fight forward,so just get a little supportive and say that we dont mind curves. Its good to be in shape and healthy too.

Being fat doesnt mean the end of our lives and should'nt stop us from going and kicking the ass of the world. I never allowed it to be that way for me. I sure did feel like planting a rocky-style punch on my swimming trainer's dark-burnt cheek when he said that 'butterfly-stroke' is not my cup of tea as i am too heavy to perfect it. Well i would show him otherwise at the end of this month.

To sum up...swim...dance do everything that people say you will not be able to do,because i love to prove them wrong.

Monday, May 28, 2012

Whats my worth !


I am not exceedingly beautiful. A long line of suitors is not what u would actually find at my door. I am just ok looking. Nice features may be yeeah but with a little more than a fair share of lipocytes. So not exactly a head-turner.

I am not the most brainy of the lot too. I am a dentist,good at my work(as far as i know) but i suck at marketing so not exactly with a roaring practise either. But i aspire to have one day.

I can write,if i am troubled enough to. At the rest of the things i am pretty mediocre.

What i am good at is listening to people,empathising with them,may be advicing them too,occasionally. So i am a self proclaimed Agony Aunt. The problem is this agony aunt doesnt have anywhere to go when she is agonised. I have nowhere to turn to when i need some buck-up talk and so i turn to my blog. I write,i feel i have said what i needed to,and get back to my day with a sigh.

No complaints for anyone ensued in this post. I am just learning to live as life requires me to live. Heard somewhere that only the bravest people wear a smile in battlefield,so i dont cut back on my laughter no matter how heavy my heart. 

Forever : the greatest Lie


'I would be there for you forever'
'I would never break your trust,i promise'
'I would always be your best friend and be by your side'

Different words,by different people heard so often by so many of us...and then more so often proved out to be wrong. Some of them shattered in the public eye,discarded like house waste,lying in the dump-spot that every neighbourhood posses. Others so,stuffed up in the dark corners of house stores but forgotten nevertheless.

Sad. Until recently i had been a very Bridget jones'y type of person in my life. Always hoping against the rising tide of misery and solitude that things eventually fall back into place and everything is well at the end. But only up until recently.

People have failed me just as much as i have failed my God. Or may be that is the reason why people have failed me. Trust is the costliest commodity for me. Hard to place,harder to sustain. And in this rage that i am walkingcrawling 'Forever' seems to be the greatest lie in the world.

You know how it feels if you have been promised and been denied. It could be a promise of undying love or unwavering commitment or even the promise of never ending friendship. When denied they all pain equally. I once mentioned to a friend that a relationship is as gentle as a baby-sparrow. It feels so fragile on our palm but even so it is a living breathing thing.

Feels now that it's choked very much near to death.

It is important to balance life,there is a fine blend of family,friends,work and leisure in it. I need to be much more careful about the growing need to create that balance. The prerequisite to that is to accept that i need blessings in my life for that. I continue to care for everybody but not to expect anything much from others. Goes like that : You need me...ok il be there for you,but i might not be coming to you for anything now.

Sounds dispassionate. But for now it has to work this way.


Saturday, May 26, 2012

Summer Diary


There is something so damn courageous about this picture !

The will to live and the resultant fight....the fight emerging as an offshoot of a sown seed,the first step taken....that is very important. Then as we grow up what happens ?

Why do we grow up to be this tight-assed living,brooding,walking masses of shit ! Being away from monotonous rhythms of life i have discovered that it is ok for traffic to be bad and it is inevitable to find some people to be selfish or i would rather say materialistic, as long as our own little sphere of existence is devoid of things that we so much despise in others.

Simple things such as driving patiently behind a man pushing his cart (which obviously is too darn loaded for his poverty laden petite frame) instead of honking horns incessantly gives my heart a warm feeling of being able to empathise with him. For every thing that i find wrong and unjust i find a thing that shows me it is the same good world of our Lord.

Swimming is keeping me sane nowadays. For an odd hour or so i enter a different world. A world of waves and not worries. A world where i in some pragmatic way realize that all that we need to live has already been provided to us. We have clothed ourselves so heavily and unnecessarily with desires that on some level we have utterly forgotten the pure bliss of being naked. That i say metaphorically ofcourse.

Even after working for many years i dont have a substantial bank balance. And what little i have,i am very soon gonna give that away too. I earn,and spend hardly 20% on me and give away the rest. I have seen this curbs my desire to have more. As for tomorrow i dont know,but i believe i will be provided with whatever i need in my life.

Love is a need too,not a luxury. It will come too,when it's destined to. Untill then i am filling up my voids by numerous stuff. Reading is an absolute essential amongst them. My daddyji(nanaji) had a fruitful life owed to his habit of reading. Hope to make mine like his too. Feel sad for folks who havent yet discovered it. Like an old uncle in my neighbourhood. With no wife and no friends of his age and his mind getting blunt with each passing day, i frequently find him loitering around all day. Watering plants,moving things from a pointA to pointB and scratching his leathery behind. Sad. Wish i could tell him to sit and read with all the good time he has.

Happy for days. They are not over the top ecstatic neither are they flogging molly types. They are just calm,brisk and freakishly hot summer days. :) Kinda good. While swimming in the morning today i felt some beautiful words by Sahir Ludhianvi floating with me too,just penning it down here

मुझको कहने दो कि मै आज भी जी सकता हू 
इश्क नाकाम सही, ज़िन्दगी नाकाम नहीं 
उन्हें अपनाने की ख्वाहिश, उन्हें पाने की तलब 
शौके-बेकार सही साईं-ए-गम-अंजाम नहीं 


शौके-बेकार - useless hobby
साईं-ए-गम-अंजाम- painful punishment

Thursday, May 10, 2012

No Caption

I hold it true,watever befall
i feel it when i sorrow most
it's better to have loved and lost
than never to have loved at all.

I have never seemed to make my peace with Alfred Tennyson for saying this. Whenever i am sad,lonely and in sorrow i resent this man the most for saying this. I dont know much about his life,as never found any need to google him,but i guess the only reason he could have said something like this is that probably he never loved and lost anything or anyone in his life. Lucky Bas****.

It hurts. It does. To remember someone as 'oh was he at one time such a huge part of my life !' It does hurt a lot to imagine someone as long lost part of our 'then lives'. Like we had left behind a limb,gangrenous and decayed,cut off from our body,but which once was very much a living, breathing, circulating, defecating part of us.  Friends left behind and long forgotten either by fault or fate and when you look back and 'see' those are the parts of life that are focused by some god damned headlight atop that cruelly shows them in the most vivid colors and hue.

It hurts to realize that where once didn't exist even an inch of space had emerged a gorge and no-one on the either side of that gorge has the faintest idea of how to fill it or even make a bridge on it. No it isn't ego,it isn't and can never be a thing as small tiny and measley as this. It is the time. And something else that eludes me dastardly for it is a pain to be able to talk to a friend and remember how warm the friendship was once ! Those are the toughest kinds of break-ups.

Monday, April 30, 2012

Read it...ul know

I am not scared of my feelings. I am not scared of feeling sad. Neither i am scared of feeling angry nor aggrieved. I can even hold myself feeling regret. What i am scared of is getting up one day and feeling nothing at all.

I am scared of turning into this dispassionate person that is cold and stiff hearted. I am passionate about writing and reading i absolutely love ! But then what else i love ! Or rather whom i love ! I dont want to end up being this crazy person with total lack of ability to love or care for others....aargh obnoxious. Reason(my guess) that i end up receiving so much less than what i actually give. Sounds selfish. About right,but i cant barricade expectations from creeping up into me. I expect something in return for all the time and heart i invested into a relationship. (At the risk of sounding immature and un-idealistic,this is what i honestly feel like now and so i will write as it is)

Egos can be so dangerous. Bruised egos even more so. Why cant we just keep our egos aside and accept that we are needy people. We are needy people in a crowded world. We need someone to call our own. To confide in. Amongst platoons of doubts we introduce someone into our world,a close friend perhaps! We let them into our tiny secret world. Let them have a sneak peek into all our dark dirty little secrets,our sufferings,our insecurities,our worries,we make them a walking partner in all of it and share our silly jokes with them (for eg 'You know china's prime minister is Li Hui' ) Who in their sane minds would laugh themselves sick on a silly joke like this ! Only friends right ! :)

And then they are gone,it's all over. there goes your castle of cards. It feels horrible you know. You end up thinking 'was all that for waste' ? Wasn't there anything strong to hold that up ? If you were wrong for once you didn't have courage to keep aside your ego and come and reconcile with me ? Dont i matter anything to your life ? Am i so worthless that it isn't hard for you to lose me....a friend !


Saturday, April 28, 2012

Thoughts of a commode


If anyone had cared enough to ask me how i am feeling right now, my answer would have been-akin to a flushing commode. Actually a 'clogged' flushing commode,or anything if it could be even worse than that. Because though everything is whirling inside me,nothing is going anywhere ! 

I know i havent been writing much but i believe it's just lack of inspiration. I mean what could a person who does nothing more all day than to mercilessly murder away time at home write about ! I dont have much contact with homo sapiens nowadays all i do is to lazy up my bums at home and watch re-runs of 'The Big Bang Theory' which seems to be the only thing that makes me smile. Watching a bunch of geeks fooling around gives me immense pleasure, pleasure as compared to none (sigh...sad).

Now and then i lift up my laptop and plan to write down something but the thoughts are just so diffuse and non-coherent i have no idea how to gel them together ! One moment i would be feeling melancholy and find myself listening to coke studio sufi style and the other moment i would feel so disconnected with everything that i would nastily switch off my phone and thus any possibility of a human contact. Which is the case at the moment too. At other times i feel like a beggar,a poor starved beggar,begging for love and attention at every possible doorstep(sounds pathetic o yea) and then with sudden electric ease i would transfigure to this confident kick-ass me ! 

A tree in my house is bearing these beautiful summer'y yellow flowers ! They are the only sight that my eyes love to watch offlate. I have been meaning to photograph it,but my heart just finds it so difficult to lay its hands on my mind and shake it out of its lull. Some other day maybe. For now i will present to you with some ideas from my seemingly flushing but clogged commode :

1. There is no feeling in this world more sickly than to be demanding love from our very own people. Why should there be a need for us to ask any care/attention from our own friends !!! They are our friends right ! They know it well that we need their hand,we need their heart,we need 'them' ! Do i need to be begging for it ? Is there any need for me to assure and reassure them constantly of their worth ? Similarly i have discovered that our parents need the same ! Our siblings too ! And i plan to make these things right. As much as i can manage to.

2. I am not being grateful enough ! There it is i have said it ! Yes i am not. And so i confess it now and plan diligently to be grateful in each and every thing. I am grateful to my dad that he specially went to market and bought fruits for me. I didnt say this to him half hour back but i guess i should have. Grateful to my mom she makes everything so comfortable for me here. My sister for giving me undeserved respect,my brother for keeping me in his mind always,my patients for giving me an opportunity to treat them. And then most of all to the Lord because He has already given to me all that i need.

3. What would you be rather be : Really happy or 'pretend' to be happy ! I have seen people putting up this facade that they are happy when actually they are not. I want to be 'happy' i mean i actually want to be 'joyful' i dont need to show it to people. I dont want to affirm this fact with them.

4. I wish i had a pet. Mum wouldnt allow me probably but nevertheless some day i am so gonna ask her for it. :)

5.I want everybody to be happy,even the people who dont love me or care two hoots about me. Even those who dont have time for me and even when i dont hold any place of importance in their lives i wish that all their dreams come true.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

F.A.M.I.L.Y



They say mankind stands most united in the face of misery. Same goes for a family too. Parents can be angry with their children and vice-versa but never so when they need each other's shoulder to cry upon. Siblings can be jealous of success and/or happiness of each other but never in the face of a tragedy. When tragedy strikes a household, everybody sticks together irrespective of their differences. I remember watching a show about how fire-ants survive in floods. You know how ? They hold tight to each other and form an 'ant-raft' that keeps them afloat on the surface of water much like a patch of an algae. 

A Fireant-raft
So do we. My maternal uncle(mama) and my grandfather both passed within a couple of days of each other. February 2011 was a tough month for our family. Between two people who have been admitted in two different cities 500 km apart, my family was divided into two,but only physically. While me,my dad and my sis were busy taking care of grandpa,my mum and brother had left off to take care of my uncle. I dont know where i resided more ! Here or with them ! Grandpa had been admitted with a multiorgan failure,on the other hand my uncle suffered a massive MI that led to complications like Cerebral haemorrhage. Going about my days like a zombie,forcing myself into the routine,was all i could do to keep myself sane and from thinking about his family and two young daughters(all of age 14 and 12). All the family,extended family and dear friends could do was to pray,to pray fervently and hope that atleast one of them would be heard and granted.


Neharika,Gagan,Mama,Mami,Me,Mum,Dad
As it had to be God's will both of them passed off,peacefully i presume. It is hard to deal with loss of a family. The shock is massive, and cruelly dreamlike, the realization of losing someone whom you had always thought of as a permanent part of your life. You find yourself recalling what was like the last time when you talked to them ! Just like i kept on rewinding the tape in my mind to when i had seen the ones who were part of my family ! Consider seeing someone today...a friend or a family member and imagine what if it were to be the last time you are seeing them ! What would you say to them ? How will you say your good byes ? Would you hug them ? Or would you hug them and would never want to leave them ? Would you tell them how much you loved them and how much they mean to you !


Huddled together
I wanted to say all that to mama. I wanted to say all that and much more ! I feel guilty of not spending enough time with him. I feel guilty of not hugging him tight enough. I feel guilty of not seeing into his powerful and yet lively eyes and telling him that i will see him soon. And then the time comes when the family has to come together to perform the last rites. You look around,see at all the familiar faces of your family and find a face missing ! And it's a horrible sickening feeling in the gut. You are sad,grief-struck,angry and guilty all at the same time. And suddenly from somewhere a pair of arms lock you in a embrace. some hand wipes away your stream of tears,an elder lovingly and reassuringly places their hand over your head or a young member of a family burrow themselves into your embrace seeking comfort and in that moment you truly understand the reason why we all had been placed together in this world as a family !




This post has been written as a part of contest by Blogadda. The contest was to write about the most special family memory. Though sad this memory is an integral part of who i am now. If being 'special' means a memory where you begin to understand the importance of being placed as a family into this world,i couldnt think of any memory more special than this. 
This entry is a part of the contest at BlogAdda.com in association with imlee.com

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