"Go into yourself. Find out the reason that commands you to write; see whether it has spread its root into the very depths of your heart; confess to yourself whether you would have to die if you were forbidden to write." Rainier Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

We all have a rebellion streak in us. We rebel against our parents,our normal life,our destiny and also against God and His will,foolishly so. When we rebel we often say 'i will live happily with the choices i make today,no matter what the consequences'. But do we? Do we really live happily with the repercussions of our disastrous choices! I have fucked up my life in more than the ways i can say. I fought against everything that had ever forced me to go on a certain path. All the while believing i was doing the right thing. Today i wonder whether it was. I know whatever i had gone through is the reason for everything that i am today,and that consoles me most of the time. But that is it,'most' not all the time. I feel sad for myself sometimes. Cant complain. And to whom can i,even if i want to! But God has still sorted out my humoungously screwed up life every time. He has been my rock,through thick and thin of it. He,in His grace has done so much for me,that now i am ashamed of ever turning my back on Him. But more than anything He has increased my faith. Teaching me that help will come,if i just ask for it. He is capable of still greater things. All i need to do is be still,and know that He is the Lord.

Friday, May 24, 2013

So it turns out,the exams that i am preparing for here in australia (ADC) are getting even tougher. For every one person that i come across who has cleared,there are two who havent gone through and have abandoned any hopes altogether. Taking up some other profession and doing something else is just unimaginable for me.
I dont think i can and would be able to do anything else than being a dentist. I have never been anything else all my life! I know in my heart,God has not brought me this far just to abandon me. I know in my heart that if i keep trusting Him good things would happen to me. But the fear that accompanies the uncertainty of what future holds in store is just too gripping. When days are good i work well,i study,i cook,eat,take care of my husband and pray for my baby and my family but when days arent good i feel paralysed. Just a recluse,a dumbwit and no-good. These days i am totally shrouded in self-doubt and feelings of doom.
Just waiting for some light to shine.

Friday, May 3, 2013

This is my little prayer for the day.
Lord you had guided me here. I struggled and struggled and then gave into your wishes having faith that you would guide me to a better place.
You brought me here. And if not you then who do you expect me to turn to! You have to guide me through this too. Utterly lonely and anguished,i have no idea whom to turn to. Then at times i dont even want to turn to anyone else. Let my help come from above,let my help come from my Lord. If my tears cant melt you then they cannot melt anyone else. 

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Life is so utterly fragile.
So vulnerable, so indefinite and its strange i feel so while i have a life building inside me.
All that we do,say,think or plan where does it leaves us when the master decides to call us back home.
I often think about someone i lost from my family,and i guess anyone who had lost a dear one find themselves thinking about this too.
I just want to make something of me,the time that i had been given i want to make it count.
No doubt i want to be successful and comfortably settled but also i wish to grow spiritually with each passing day. I made a small prayer today. Hope it gets granted.

Friday, April 26, 2013

For a long time,i disconnected myself from discovering myself here. The result was i got lost. When in anguish i found myself thinking about writing in the past and being in a happy place then. And then wondering why did i stop it. I shouldnt have.
I have loved some writers here. I frequently stalk some people here,because i love how they feel connected to everything. But for a long time i havent even read them. I guess i just wanted to dwell in my place. After a long long time happy things had found me. And i was sort of trying to keep my past away from the present and the future beckoning at my door. But no cant do it. Not anymore.
The time i had been away was the time i needed to heal. I did heal. And also i tried fitting me into grooves and places that were new for me. Many times i had wanted to login and come and write about the happy times,but my laziness got the best of me :). It's only when i feel sad and alone that i find myself craving for this space.
Screwing up is my thing,it is what i do. I have always messed up the good things in my life,good things that God had been planning for me,and i did pretty good with trying to screw it all up. He though was very gracious,He never left me even for a sec,and as always He did a good job.
That's what scares me,i dont wanna screw up again. Deep inside i feel very confident of things,but well i had felt confident of many things before too. They didnt turn up how i expected them to be! That leaves me on crossroads,blindly groping around in the dark,hoping that i would somehow make it someday.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

*facepalm moment

There isnt anybody who doesnt know her: the iconic Nicole Kidman ! And this incidently is one of her most iconic looks on the red carpet. Now anybody who doesnt ogle at this picture of hers...i believe has no hair-issues.
Now to remind those of you who havent already heard of my plight of being thrown onto a different planet,i have managed to land myself on this pecularly bent over continent called Australia,where much to my horror,every single girl looks likes this(or almost). Case rested.

Now to enumerate the situation: i look something like this- (hair-wise)

My hair would simply refuse to accept order of any kind and would remain disarrayed and engage in very frequent riots among themselves.
Also i do not belong to the club of the ones "favoured by god's themselves" like our very own Soha ali khan who can manage to sail away any crappy day on the sole plank of her very gifted hair.

Being a punjabi,i have long hair and not being able to cut/trim them i am required to wear them straight. I dont deny that chic-straight hair are the all-time classy look of the lot. But to be able to achieve it and furthermore to maintain it,is a herculean task my folks. So thus i embark upon a journey where i gear myself up with the armamentarium in my quest to achieve sheer-straight-blondie look. 

I use various methods from iron-pressing my hair while keeping them under folds of newspaper to applying hair gels to very modern means of variety of hair straighteners to the recent rebonding. I also explicitly remember this one time when i tried using aloe-vera gel on my hair and drying it to achieve the kidman-look aforementioned. Many a times i would wash my hair and wont lie or sit with my hair against any surface to achieve the desired result. My hair would be the Untouchables,up until the very moment when the curtains dropped following an applause..not a second before that !

But whatever i do,i never managed to achieve the quality and style of our very own 'chinkis' here. I would like to mention that our chinese (or mongolian origin) friends here are the pioneers in hair caring and styling in this part of the world,where even their kids look like they have spent half of their day in hair saloon. So thats where i started concentrating my energies on,to find a suitable candidate of mongolian origin with hair as pristine as the Goddess Venus herself. There,on her doorstep would i find the fix to my maladies. And the Goddess Venus,i did find.

She chose to materialize in a departmental store. Dressed in the loveliest shade of ivory,with long burgundy tresses falling over her shoulders i could see her gliding towards me. I had a million questions to ask her,a million answers that i seek. No sooner i had begin explaining my plight,much like a long lost traveller asking for directions,that i realized she couldnt understand anything that i was saying. Damn you language barrier. After an year or so it seemed when i finally managed to explain to her, half in actions and half in single words spoken aloud,she smiled and said: 'ohh,u neeed sit'rate air..no probl'en use son'seelk'. She might have been speaking alien-language for all i cared but seeing my lost gaze still fixed upon her,she made me follow her to the counter and to my wonderment showed me : 

our very own sunsilk ! Aaargh was it that easy !

*post written as entry to Sunsilk contest for Indiblogger.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Merry in Melbourne

A new blog post after a long sabbatical.

Inspite of my promises and vows to self of always always being able to find time for blogging no matter what, hustle of a new city did squeeze out time,energy and effort to turn to my dear digital dairy.
Confessions made. Remedy starts.

And just when i was in dire need of something to motivate me to write,i catch up this Indivine contest. Shifting base to a new country is a bit of a culture shock,and i found all my expensive indian wardrobe to be utterly useless here. So when i was frantically hoping to find something nice and light i tumble on to ShoppersStop (http://www.shoppersstop.com).

I was besides myself in delight to find a wide range of festive wear ! Not just ethnic but also a collection of dresses,just as easily for me to grab ! Keeping in mind the new country and life here i go for this elegant piece of single dress by Lifestyle in blue.

Dress from Lifestyle

What attracts me is not just the exquisite cowl neck-line but also the tie-belt that accentuates the waist and furthermore i instantly fell in love with the pockets that dab just a pinch of 'casual' to a rather suave ensemble.

earrings by 'Infinity'
Cherry on the cake was a set of divine ear-rings by Infinity in sapphire blue. My dream comes true !
Furthermore to splurge on christmas i go on and buy a matching pair of 'infinity-bracelet' that were (hold-your-breath) 20% off ! My christmas came on early Santa ! hallelujiaah !!!

Peep toes from Haute curry

To complete the look i teem it up with Haute curry Peep toe in chic brown and a bejewelled Elliza Donatein clutch and voila i am all set for sunny christmas in Australia. And i didnt lose the jingle in my pocket too :)

Elliza Donatein Clutch

ShoppersStop.com - Wills Lifestyle Womens Cowl Neck Dress: Wills Lifestyle Womens Cowl Neck Dress
ShoppersStop.com - Infinity Earring - 92423RM: Infinity Earring - 92423RM
ShoppersStop.com - Infinity Bangle -044547RM: Infinity Bangle -044547RM
ShoppersStop.com - HAUTE CURRY - Womens Evening Peep Toe:HAUTE CURRY - Womens Evening Peep Toe
ShoppersStop.com - Elliza Donatein Clutch - IREXCL: Elliza Donatein Clutch - IREXCL

This post is written as an entry to 'Shoppers stop perfect look contest' by Indiblogger (http://www.indiblogger.in)

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Those who respect the Lord,will live
and be satisfied,not bothered by the troubles.
 Proverbs 19:23

Thursday, October 25, 2012

I might be a little too late in reading 'A Thousand splendid suns' but thank God i am never too late. What a wonderment,this book is ! I did like Khaled Hosseini's previous one,the Kite Runner and did see the glimpses of it in this novel too(like background of afghan war,orphanage,the illegitimate child and the returning of people that had escaped their war-stricken land) but i must say that all of it has been surpassed in this one.

I was moved to the bones. One reason might be because it's a tale of two women,and i could connect well with it(as many of the lot would be able to) and left me amazed at the thought that somewhere around the globe,on this very earth,women my age or even younger are made to endure all this. All through the book i had this uneasy feeling,queasy sensation smeared with guilt that i am doing nothing for them except the single act of reading about them and sympathising with them. Felt cowardly and non-deserving. 

Every now and then i had to close the book and keep it aside,catch some air,ponder over what i had read,and start again. Reading made me feel as im prying on the lives of mariam and laila,the two protagonists of the story. But i am grateful to the author for having interlacing the two tales so intricately and marvelously. Wish to read many more like these..

Sunday, October 7, 2012

I too have a story to tell

This post has been published by me as a part of the Blog-a-Ton 32; the thirty-second edition of the online marathon of Bloggers; where we decide and we write. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton. The theme for the month is 'An Untold Story'

When i travel i fall back into this abyss that takes me to this weird place between dream and reality,a place i find myself dangling in, endlessly. Wondering what would be a greater relief,to hold onto or to give up. But then i write. Whether i write to fill up my heart and the vacuum within or whether i write to empty my heart of the clutter inside,that i know not of. I know that I just write.

I write what i see. And many times of what we never see. I write of tales never been heard that i see all around me,and no sir i do not see the faces then. I see 'An Untold Story'.

Masterpieces. They had all always been tragic. Much like Othello,Macbeth,Wuthering Heights or our very own Devdas. Such a tale was written on one nondescript face. Dressed in the fadest colour of blue,sitting by the train tracks. Eyes very much innocent. Skin very much pale. Frown very much justified. Condition very much pregnant.

She had her untold story written all over her face. Probably married when she was too young to think of herself. Probably to a man who at that very moment is drunk and in one of the numerous gutters of the city. Probably too tired to even pacify the child who is hungry,crying and tugging at her pallu. Probably feeling guilty of bringing an another one into this world.

Can i even imagine what her untold story is ! I dare not. Neither i dare to touch numerous ones that has died down without even their voices been heard. The pathos,the dilemma,the guilt is as virgin and untouched as her story. I find myself reading every single line in her deep frowns. Listening intently to every word in her drops of sweat. And then she stands up,and something scares me. That look on her face,it was resolute. But for the first time in my life i couldnt make out whether it was desperation or whether it was courage. One emerging from other,i guess.

She walks towards the rail-tracks. I panic. I could hear the train sounding its whistle,and it was growing louder each second. She takes hold of her child's hand and he allows himself to be dragged..crying and hungry. Meanwhile i was suffering from an attack of paralysis on my car seat as i saw her walking towards the tracks,refusing to even think of what was going in her mind. Every single molecule of my body was shouting "No,dont do it" except for my tongue that had tied itself into a gordian's knot.

Second crawled by painstakingly and i had seen the women walking away form me...towards her end...for ages. Or so it seemed. My hands tightened their grip on the steering wheel and my knuckles paled like raw peaches. Everything in me prepared me for the scene that i was about to register and i braced myself for the mutilation being inflicted on my coward soul. I held my breath when she took her first step on the train-track. My eyes widened,and my throat parched and stuck to my innards for additional support. One step followed another and then one little bit more,and before i knew she had crossed the tracks. I could see her receding figure through the gaps in the coaches of the train passing. Shaken for a moment and beyond,i saw she was going, leaving behind not just a thundering train but an equally strong train of thoughts in my mind.

A second later the railway crossing bridge opens and i drove past with an untold story in me.

photo courtesy  Google

The fellow Blog-a-Tonics who took part in this Blog-a-Ton and links to their respective posts can be checked here. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton. Introduced By: BLOGGER NAME, Participation Count: XX
Dr Mandeep Khanuja - I too have a story to tell
We grow with time,our opinions diverge,split and go haywire. Our perspective change widely,as if some kind  of blinders are suddenly removed from our eyes. And hence occasionally we start paying attention to some issues that we might have so easily missed before. Finding myself getting bored at midnight yesterday i started to see 'A Beautiful Mind' again. When i saw it before i always saw the wonderful portrayal of Dr John Nash by Russell Crowe. This time i was hit big time in the stomach by the semantics of husband-wife relationship. I accept i wouldnt have noticed every single thing so finely,if i hadnt been married myself. But now that i have,i am glad i did.

The point in the story where 'Alicia' just rescues her baby boy from getting killed,owing to her husbands schizophrenia attacks but still does not desert him,and infact gives her husband one more chance,when he pleads so was the highlight of the movie for me personally. To give without receiving anything in return and moreover to grant when you know no returns would be even possible is a tremendous task. It did teach me a lot. And contrary to my habit i will keep this one movie with me always,and i do plan to revisit it if and when i find myself in a pickle :)

Saturday, October 6, 2012

And there i thought my year.....sss of reading novels brain would totally kick IELTS exam's a$$. But for now,its happening the other way round. What is it !!! Why cant i get it right !!! so many people give it every year,i mean how hard it could be !! Quite a bit....apparently:(. The more i practice the more my confidence ebbs. Isnt it suppose to happen the other way around !

I am suppose to get 7 band each in all the four modules or else i might have to repeat the complete test again. Bored of getting stuck at a band short now and then, i took a break yesterday,read some blogs,freshened myself up. All that in vain. Havent wrapped my brains around it any better than the lost day. I just wish,hope and pray that my grey matter acquires some supernatural powers next saturday to fly me through the test. And then i wonder when did i turn this dumb ! I had always been this girl who had enjoying studying ! I would be sad if any test/exams were postponed (ya very la Miss Granger) but yup that was who i was. Not anymore. Wish my redundant brain does make peace with me and an year of studies in my future kitty.

Any way to regain my lost edge ?

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Things never work the way they ought to,esp when you are in a hurry !
Hope i hadnt let my brother down.
Wish only the best for him.

God rest my lazy nervous soul.
With IELTS around the corner i hardly can think of anything else other than blogging ! I dont feel like studying when i should be. Infact i dont feel like doing anything when its the right time for me to ! Lots of unseen movies had been stocking up in my laptop,pleading for their time to come. Sadly havent been reading much,very unlike how i planned this year to be. 'To kill a mocking bird' is awaiting on some 60 odd page for me. Not good. But these days are days of bonding,of thinking about the life i am gonna build....of the life i might be building this very moment. Kinda feels like that all the pieces are just about to fall together ! Kinda like the feeling when two or more boxes are filled in 'sudoku' and you know it in your heart that success is just around the corner. No doubt there is still a lot of stuff to be done,but you just know that the hard part is over :) 'Two Broke Girls' makes me miss my friend. She is gonna have a baby soon. Havent talked to her in over a month. Hope singapore is being good to her. Praying for her and the little new arrival.

Hmm so time for me to be back to my sample papers study and hope i can sail through with 7 band each in all four modules. God bless me and the one waiting for me :)

Friday, September 21, 2012

What makes a person so irresistible to you that you would be drawn to him/her constantly. Like a distant chime of a bell-tower you know you need to go there. You need to drink from that pool ! You need to wash yourselves of all the mindless useless things you had been doing for a couple of days/weeks/any period of time ! Call it love ! n'aaah that's too strong a word. Or too light,may be...who knows ! We dont love a person,we love certain traits. I say traits because they might or might not be qualities,per se. I happen to love integrity. Integrity. Sounds a very heavy-duty stuff. Right ? I didnt know or understand the real meaning of the word up until a few days back,let alone have known that i could love someone for that. Nothing draws me more to a man than his integrity. There it is. Having said it,i also admit that i havent met many men of integrity. Till late i used to believe that it was honesty. I guess it isnt. Integrity is honesty combined with the virtue of being whole,undivided,pure. It isnt easy to be around such people. And so i guess there arent many such people left around. As parents,teachers,siblings and peers we society have always strived to crush it like a dangerous monster.One to be feared,not nurtured.We have done a pretty darn good job at strangulating them,suffocating them and finally eliminating them.

Pity. Have you ever felt it? That cripple on the railway platform that hasent washed himself in ages. That lady dressed in tatters with a cachexic child sellling (or trying to sell) something that nobody virtually needs. That boy cleaning the floor of the railway coach with a piece of cloth that doubles as his shirt. Do you feel pity for them? I dont. And i feel anger for anyone who looks at them with this sight that smears pity on their faces. Why? Why and how dare we feel pity for an another human being !! Give what you have. But not because you feel pity for them,but because act of giving itself is a great pleasure. Give not for them,but for your own sake. 

No idea why i had to write all this up. I dont even care if anyone finds time to read it,understands it or even tries to understand it. Just like the act of giving,i had to write this not for anyone,but for me.


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